


Shattered at Sunrise, Mended at Midnight

by phantom_rain



Category: World Wrestling Entertainment
Genre: Angst, F/F, Family Dynamics, probably heavy angst to some idk, yeah idk...
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-05
Updated: 2020-10-26
Packaged: 2021-03-03 20:27:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 23
Words: 100,464
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24551563
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/phantom_rain/pseuds/phantom_rain
Summary: "When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves."
Relationships: Sasha Banks/Becky Lynch | Rebecca Knox
Comments: 81
Kudos: 106





	1. Chapter 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Possible TW: for sensitive topics briefly mentioned

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is definitely me just...in my own head and trying to sort some things out by writing through them. If you're along for the ride, then...I thank you all for that. I know this is kinda different from my usual so...yeah. Thank you guys if you've made it this far.

This is approximately Sasha’s fourth cup of coffee and according to the time, she’s only been back in her office for a little over an hour. Her desk is a mess. An even split of stacks of unopened files and files thrown open with its contents strewn down the center. Every word on every page has started to look like the last and they all swirl together to firm illegible splotches of blackness. A soft groan escapes her as she tosses a file to the side and leans back in her chair.

Three hours. Three fucking hours. That’s the total amount of sleep she estimates she managed to get the night prior. With the splitting headache that’s pounding behind her eyes, she would like to think three hours is the amount she’s managed to get for the entire week. She glances dejectedly at her empty mug and curses it silently for not having the ability to manifest itself into something that can move across her office to the coffeemaker and refill itself on its own.

“Shit…” she mumbles, pushing her hands underneath her glasses to tiredly rub at her eyes. She’s sure at least ten minutes have passed, but time seems to be moving backwards for the day when another glance at the clock shows her it’s only been two minutes since she last checked. Groaning irritably, she’s just about to will her legs into functioning enough to move across the room to pour another cup of coffee when she’s startled by a quick series of knocks on her door. As if that weren’t enough, the door is swinging open shortly after. 

Sitting up quickly, Sasha opens her mouth ready to tell whoever it is to fuck off and learn how to knock proper when she sees exactly who it is. Her eyes roll shut as she once again leans back in her chair. “You know, there’s a saying somewhere. Goes something like ‘knock and the door will be opened unto you’. Not ‘knock and just opening it any fucking way’.”

There’s a snort. “At least I remembered to knock this time.”

Even though they’re still closed, Sasha’s eyes roll anyway. “What do you want, Flair? Other than to make my headache worse.”

Charlotte snorts quietly before slipping into the office completely. Her heels click loudly against the hardwood flooring as she approaches Sasha’s desk before she’s perching herself on a corner. A smug smirk tugs at the very corner of her lips as she continues to watch her friend curiously. “You look like shit, Banks.”

Sasha clicks her tongue. “Well I feel like it,” she sighs heavily as she finally sits up to look at Charlotte properly. “Had closing arguments today where I sat through the saddest excuse for a defense claim. Been a while since it’s been that bad.”

“Shit…Evans?”

“Yep…”

Charlotte’s eyes roll before she glances down at the manila folder in her arms and suddenly remembers the whole reason for her visit in the first place. “Boss said to bring this to you. I was up there in a meeting with her anyway, so she had me run it down.”

Frowning, Sasha reaches across her desk and takes the folder. She opens it and her eyes quickly flit over the words before she’s slamming it shut and tossing it back across her desk. “I didn’t even know this was still on her radar…I never even wanted to take this to trial.”

“What is it? Old ghosts or something?”

“Something like that,” Sasha sighs heavily as she finally stands up from her chair and snatches her coffee cup off her desk. She glides past Charlotte and heads over to her small counterspace where her coffee maker is. Her face screws up when she realizes she’s just about reached the bottom of the pot. “It was a mom. She…drowned her daughter in the bathtub before trying to kill herself. I wanted…I _want_ to get mom to take a plea. McMahon is hellbent on taking it to trial.”

At this, Charlotte scoffs audibly and rolls her eyes. “It’s election season and she’s trying to boost her stats. That’s all that is.”

“Exactly. Also can’t help but feel like she’s hellbent on keeping me out of my own bed,” for a moment, Sasha’s gaze becomes lost and forlorn as she taps her nails against the side of her mug. Eventually, she’s shaking her head sadly. “I spoke to the mom, Char. She…I really just want to plead this one out.”

“I know, Sash. I…I’m sorry…” she mumbles as her gaze drops to her hands. She fiddles with her fingers for a moment before she looks back up at the woman across the room. “How’re things? For you?”

“Things are…I’m fine. I’m just tired, I guess. Actually, no. Tired doesn’t even begin to cover it.”

“And how’s Skye?”

For what she’s sure is the first time in the day, Sasha feels herself genuinely smiling. Her eyes briefly trail over to the framed photo she has on the counterspace right in her line of sight near the coffee pot. It’s a picture of herself kissing the cheek of a beaming little girl with hazel eyes, a thousand watt smile, and a faint dusting of freckles just across her nose and cheeks. Her dark hair is pulled back into a ponytail that falls in unruly curls over her shoulder. Sasha continues to grin as her fingers trace the outline of the frame.

“She’s good. Great, actually…” she chuckles quietly and turns around to face Charlotte while leaning against the counter. “Apparently seven comes with an extra layer of attitude. You should see how she’s starting to sass me.”

Charlotte barks out a loud laugh. “Wow, I wonder where she gets that from,” she drawls, her words laced with sarcasm. “It’s been a while since I’ve been over. I’m sure she’s missing her favorite auntie heavily. You give her the birthday gift I sent over?”

Sasha’s lips tug downward as she frowns and levels Charlotte with a stare. “You mean the one I’m constantly stepping on? A Thousand piece Lego set? Really? Doesn’t the box say 10+ or something?”

“Eh, she’s a smart kid. It’s close enough.”

“Yeah well. Her latest tirade is how badly she thinks she wants to play soccer. Kid doesn’t even like being out in the sun for more than an hour before she’s whining about going back inside. So, we’ll see how long that lasts.”

Charlotte smiles fondly as she watches her friend’s demeanor completely shift from what it was prior. It warms her heart to see how Sasha’s at times hardened front immediately melts away when she’s talking about her daughter. Even if she’s going on about how she’s growing way too fast for her liking or how Charlotte can swing by and take her away at any time. These are always her favorite conversations, because she knows these are the rare occasions when she can actually see Sasha smile for real. 

Which…speaking of Sasha smiling, she hopes her next question doesn’t put a damper on the mood. “I don’t mean to pry, but…it’s Friday. How is…that situation?”

Sasha’s grin falters a good fraction before she’s slowly turning back towards the counter. Her eyes linger on the picture of her with her daughter for a long moment of silence before she’s sighing audibly. “She’s…the same.”

“The same? Is she trying at all? Christ, it’s been what…a year and a half?”

“Two years…” Sasha corrects before taking another deep sigh. “It was two years last month.” 

Charlotte winces. “Sash, I’m sorry. We don’t have to talk about it if—”

“It’s fine. I’m fine. I’m trying and she…I don’t know what she’s doing. I don’t think _she_ knows what she’s doing.”

“No surprise there.”

This time, Sasha’s smile turns a bit forced as she slowly nods her head, all the while thankful that she has her back to Charlotte. “None, but…Skye looks forward to the weekends. Her being okay is really all I can care about right now.”

Charlotte remains silent while she’s carefully mulling over her words. She’s left chewing her lip nervously before she’s settling on something she can only hope is tactful. “Sasha, you matter too. You know that, right? I know you think you have to be superwoman all the time, but you don’t. It’s okay to take a step back every now and again to take a breath.”

Sasha shakes her head. “Yeah well. Right now, I don’t exactly have that luxury when—” she’s interrupted by the ringing of her desk phone. A small frown creases her forehead as she certainly hasn’t been expecting any calls, and she really shouldn’t be getting any as nothing is on her schedule for the rest of her day. She marches over to her desk and quietly excuses herself before picking up the phone.

“This is Banks…” immediately, Sasha is left frowning as she listens intently to the other end of the line. “She…what?” her posture immediately goes rigid, even though she brings her wrist up to quickly glance at her watch. “I’m so sorry…yes, of course…I’m on my way now…thank you.”

Nearly breaking the cradle as she slams the phone down, Sasha is moving around with a sudden sense of urgency. “Char, I’m sorry. That was Skye’s school and I’ve gotta…” she pauses for a brief moment and huffs irritably through her nose. “I’ve gotta go.”

Charlotte’s eyebrows quickly shoot up in alarm. “The school? Is everything alright? She okay?”

“She’s fine, I just…fuck!” Sasha swears loudly as the simultaneous action of slipping into her suit jacket and grabbing her keys causes her to drop them. “I’ve really gotta go. Would you mind covering for me for the rest of the day?”

“Yeah, yeah of course. Anything. Just let me know if you need anything else, okay?”

“Thanks,” Sasha huffs quietly as she grabs her purse and coat before she’s all but sprinting out of her office. The entire trek to the elevator is longer than it should be as she’s practically moving with all the force of a raging storm. When she finally steps into the elevator and the doors close, she can’t help but tap her foot irritably as she decent just isn’t fast enough.

* * *

She’s sure that traffic has some sort of secret vendetta against her because it takes her much longer than she would have liked to get across town. At least, to her it seems that way. When she’s finally pulling into the school parking lot, she has to remind herself to actually put the car in park and take the keys out before she’s throwing the door open. A quick glance around shows her that she’s one of the only cars actually in the lot, and she’s left shaking her head as she heads into the school.

The echo of her heels against the tile is all too similar to the constant echo of her own thoughts as she takes a familiar route through the empty hallways. Eventually, she’s rounding one last corner before she’s stopping at the first open door on the left. Inside the room are only two occupants; one of which is a blonde woman sitting at the large desk at the very front of the class alternating between typing on a computer and jotting something down on a notepad and the other is a little girl sitting at the first desk in the front row with her cheek propped against her left hand while her right appears to be shading something in on a sheet of paper. Sasha’s mouth falls open just a fraction before she lightly knocks on the frame of the door so as not to startle anyone.

“Hi…” she breathes tiredly, fully feeling the weight of her mad dash from her office to this very room. She drops her purse into the seat of an empty desk before she’s couching down next to the desk where her daughter sits. “Baby, I am so sorry…”

“School ended a while ago…” Skye mumbles as she doesn’t even look up from her absent doodling.

Sasha’s insides clinch and she struggles with her words. “I know, Baby, I know…” she reaches up and gently brushes back a few stray strands of hair that have escaped the girl’s ponytail. “I’m here now, okay? You ready to go home?”

Skye only nods.

There’s a soft clearing of a throat and Sasha glances over her shoulder to find the woman now standing from her chair. Sasha’s mouth opens as she sputters for a response and embarrassingly enough, she can’t find a suitable one. Given her job, she’s supposed to be a master at words and now she suddenly finds herself at a loss. She can only nod and follow when the woman suddenly nods her head towards the door before they’re both moving into the hallway.

“I am so sorry,” Sasha is quick to start apologizing. “I…I didn’t, I had no idea that…Christ, I’m so sorry.”

“No, I am sorry,” the woman holds up a hand to stop Sasha from rambling. Her smile is kind, and her voice is gentle while laced around an accent Sasha still can’t quite place after all this time. Maybe it’s French, she doesn’t exactly know. “I did not mean to bother you at your office. It is just…Skye mentioned to me that her mother was supposed to pick her up and well…I tried calling the number I have for her first, but I was not able to get through. I can only hope that nothing is wrong?”

Sasha doesn’t even bother to fend off her eyeroll as she’s left slowly shaking her head. “No, nothing’s wrong she just…” she sighs heavily. “She knows this is her day to pick up Skye, but she probably just forgot…again.”

The smile that had previously been gentle turns a little sad. “I am sorry. Hopefully, the forgetfulness is nothing of habit?”

Sasha scoffs. “You’d be surprised…” she mumbles, before peeking her head into the door. Her eyebrows furrow together when Skye now has her arms folded and head down on the desk. She sighs heavily before turning back around and leaning against the wall. “I’m so sorry, again. You shouldn’t have had to wait this long because it’s been…” she pauses and glances at her watch, wincing when she realizes what time it is. “Christ, it’s been two hours.”

“It is no problem at all. Skye is good company and one of my best students. Besides, I was able to get a bit of grading accomplished. I also have two of my own. I am definitely aware of how schedules can be,” there is a small pause. “Miss Banks—”

“Sasha. Just Sasha, is fine.”

The woman nods slowly. “Sasha, I hope I am not overstepping by saying, but…if there is anything you need, anything at all, I’ll be more than happy to help. I cannot exactly say that I know specific details over every little thing, but I know enough and…I can help if need be. For Skye’s sake and for yours.”

Sasha’s eyebrows knit together and for reasons unknown to her she finds her gaze shifting downward. A mixture of emotions swirls through her and the only thing she’s left able to identify is one of shame. Still though, she’s managing a convincing smile as she meets the powerful yet genuine gaze of Skye’s teacher. “Thank you. That means…just thank you. Is she alright?”

“She is…a little sad, but such a thing is expected given the circumstances. Overall, she is doing well. Highest marks in the class, turns everything in on time. I wish I could clone her honestly.”

“Yeah, well. That’s probably because I stay on her so much,” Sasha sighs tiredly. “I’m sorry again for all this. I should…really be getting her home.”

“Of course. Like I said, Sasha. If there’s anything at all…”

Sasha nods and sends the woman a warm smile before she’s ducking back into the room. She retrieves her purse from the empty chair before she’s pausing by Skye’s desk. “Hey, how about we go home? I think you’ve had about enough of school for today.”

Once again, Skye only nods in response. She gathers her pencils and notebooks before she’s all but shoving them into her backpack. She doesn’t much acknowledge the kiss her mother drops to her head, but she does send her teacher a tiny wave as they’re leaving the room. She’s slightly dragging her feet while they move through the empty halls.

“Did Mama forget again?”

Sasha winces at the question and she sends up a silent prayer as she tries to formulate a response. Not even two years of law school and a BAR card will ever be enough for her to figure out how to respond to such a question. “Your…Your Ma just…her job makes her very busy.”

“Too busy for me, seems like…” Skye mumbles. “She forgot again…”

Swallowing the thick lump that has formed in her throat, Sasha forces herself to smile. “Hey, I…how about we stop for food on the way home? I’ll let you pick whatever you want.”

Skye seems to mull this over before she’s quickly nodding her head. “Can we stop for pancakes?”

“Pancakes? For dinner?” When Skye nods and shows the tiniest hints of a grin, Sasha feels like the weight on her shoulder is lifted just a fraction. “Say no more.” 

* * *

Becky winces as the action of rubbing at the back of her head causes an uncomfortable pull in her already sore muscles. The wince manifests itself into an audible sigh where she’s left with her arms hanging against her sides. Somehow, even the action of not moving at all is causing her discomfort and she wishes that just for five minutes she couldn’t feel not one damn thing.

When looking at it, it could be argued that it’s her own fault that she’s been left feeling like this. What should have been a routine traffic stop turned into some jackass thinking he was hot shit and he tried to take off on her. This led to her chasing said jackass through a neighborhood and several backyards in addition, for what she can only guess is about four miles. The mileage wasn’t an issue, but it was more so she had to hop fence after fence and get creative in her efforts to catch up to the idiot.

Ultimately, she caught up to him and not long after, he attempted to put up a fight. Becky had been left to wonder where the hell her backup was while she had to throw everything she had into taking down some hyped up kid who was at least twice her weight and size. Never mind the fact she had pretty much just run a full Olympic triathlon to catch up with him. To say she’s been left a bit banged up and pissed would be an understatement, but again, she has no one to blame but herself for not being a hundred percent on her guard.

“Hey Sarge!”

And damn if she wasn’t gonna hear about it until the end of time.

Despite the slight pain in her neck, Becky manages to tilt her head back and groan she hears footsteps and voices begin to filter into the locker room. She’s been standing in front of her open locker for a while now, but so far, the only thing she’s successfully accomplished is removing her belt. She definitely knows that she’s in for it as footfalls get closer until she practically feels a presence leaning against the locker next to hers. She doesn’t even have to open her eyes to know who it is.

“Don’t…”

“What? I haven’t even said anything. Did I say anything?

“You don’t have to…” Becky grumbles at the sound of her best friend’s voice. She tilts her head up just a little and peeks an eye open, groaning again and slamming it shut when she’s met with the smug grin she had been imagining in her mind. “Bay, don’t.”

Bayley’s grin somehow manages to get impossibly smugger as she folds her arms while continue to lean casually against the lockers. “I mean, I didn’t come to say anything. I came to check up on you, honest. That and to see if you’re as banged up as they said you are. Good news for you is, you’re not.”

Becky huffs and slightly glares at Bayley out of the corner of her eye. “Yeah well, I wouldn’t be banged up _at all_ if I didn’t have to take down a jacked up D1 son of a bitch, by my damn self. You know, it would be totally fair of me to have all your asses for hanging me out to dry like that.”

“Hey, don’t be like that! In fairness, I was stuck on a call. It was that domestic in progress and Owens requested another unit.”

“Wow, well, glad to see helping KO is more of a priority than helpin’ your own best friend…who just so happens to be your supervisor.”

“C’mon Becks, you know I didn’t mean it like that…”

For the first time that afternoon, Becky laughs. It’s short and fleeting, but it’s there just the same before she shrugs her shoulders. “I know, I’m just messin’ around. I ended up catching him anyway, after I chased him all around the world and back. Then everybody decided they wanted to show up and try to be super cop _after_ I had already tackled his big ass to the ground. I don’t know why he ran anyway…well no, I know exactly why he ran. When I went back and searched his truck from the stop, there was a little bit of weed residue. Either way, that would’ve just been a ticket at the most.”

Bayley clicks her tongue and slowly shakes her head. “Now he’s got what on top of your initial stop; evading and resisting arrest?”

“And assaulting an officer. He clocked me pretty good in the back of the head when he was trying to get up and run again.”

“Ah youngblood. They’ll learn one of these days…or maybe not. Guess it makes our job more excited when they don’t, but hey…” Bayley pauses and gives Becky a rather rough pat on the shoulder. “It’s Friday and neither of us work weekends. Lemme buy a round to kinda help with the day you’ve had.”

Sighing heavily, Becky rolls her shoulders. “Yeah, I could probably…” she trails off and immediately goes rigid as she replays her friend’s words in her mind. “Wait, it’s Friday?”

Bayley frowns and slowly nods her head. “Yeah…? You know, day after Thursday and before Saturday? Friday?”

Becky’s eyes go impossible wide and when she turns to look at Bayley, she looks as if she’s just seen a ghost. “Oh shit! Fuck me!” she immediately begins emptying her locker into her duffle bag. She’s haphazardly stuffing the items inside while not even bothering to check and see if it’s something she even needs for the weekend.

“Becks, what’s going on?”

“It’s Friday! It’s fucking Friday!”

“Yeah??? I know, I just said that.”

“Never mind, I just…oh fuck,” Becky zips her bag and slams her locker closed before she’s nearly tripping over herself as she sprints from the room. “I gotta go! I’ll check in later!”

Becky has no idea how many people she’s ran into in her sprint to the parking lot. She’s haphazardly flinging her bag into the back once she’s climbed into the driver’s side of her Jeep. She’s mumbling to herself repeatedly while her hands are shaking too much for her to even put the key in the ignition.

“Shit…shit…” she continues to mumble while scrambling with her phone. When she looks down, she finds the device completely dead. “Fuck!”

Throwing her phone to the floor, Becky huffs before she’s slamming her foot on the gas and speeding out of the parking lot. She’s fully aware that she’s probably going to break several traffic laws on her way, and she can only hope that she doesn’t run into anything on that front that would be a problem. She’s got bigger problems as is and she knows it.

* * *

Her heart is still pounding when she finally slams her foot on the brake, causing the tires to screech loudly against the pavement. Her grip is still tight around the steering wheel while she forces herself to take several calming deep breaths to slow her heart. Shaking her head, she glances at herself in the rearview mirror and quickly runs her fingers through her hair in an attempt to try and look presentable. The only thing the action successful does, is cause her to grimace.

“I’m so fucked,” Becky groans before she’s finally stepping out of her car. She pauses and glances up at the modest two story home that thankfully she can see light coming from. Taking a deep breath, she tucks her uniform shirt in before smoothing it out and straightening her badge. She sends up a silent prayer before she’s ringing the doorbell.

She’s left to wait for several moments and her eyebrows furrow slightly when she doesn’t hear any movement on the other side of the door. Once again, she rings the doorbell, but this time she gently knocks afterwards. Again, she’s left to wait for a bit, but soon her heart does a small jump when she eventually hears the locks being turned. She straightens up and when the door swings open, she’s met with the dirtiest look she’s sure she’s ever seen in her life. Immediately, her shoulders drop.

“Sasha I…I am _so_ sorry…”

If it were even possible, Sasha’s glare hardens past where it already is. “Save it,” she hisses before she’s quickly spinning around and leaving the door open as she storms back into the house.

Becky ducks her head as she follows. She closes the door behind her and treks into the living room where the television is softly playing in the background. The house is warm, and the lingering smell of food causes her stomach to gurgle. She goes to open her mouth, but Sasha holds up a finger silencing her. Her mouth snaps shut as she watches Sasha head back towards the kitchen and after a second, she can hear her talking.

“Baby? Your Mama’s here to pick you up. Go up and pack some extra stuff for the weekend, k?”

“Yeah…”

Becky chews her lip nervously while she watches Skye eventually sulk out of the kitchen. “Hey Kiddo, you ready for our weekend together?” she tries to sound excited when their gazes meet, but the way Skye’s frowning, it causes her smile to falter. Sighing once again, she watches as the girl heads up the stairs and she waits for the sound of a door closing before she’s turning back to the angry woman in front of her. “Sasha, listen I—”

“Don’t, because nothing you can say right now can even come close to rationalizing what you did.” Sasha’s voice is curt as she interrupts her again. Her jaw is tight as she holds Becky’s gaze for a long time before she’s sighing in disgust. “Two hours, Becky. _Two fucking hours_ , and you know what time she gets out of school! You _know_!”

“I know! I know and…god, I’m sorry,” Becky rubs at her forehead as she feels a headache starting to come on. “There was a call and I ended up chasing this asshole who ran from me and after that all the paperwork was a bitch to fill out and I let my phone die and I…”

“God, can you for once be full of something other than excuses!?”

“It’s not an excuse! I’m just telling you what happened!”

Sasha’s fists clench tightly as she feels herself beginning to shake from submerged anger. This is the norm for them. Every other time if things aren’t already tense from the start, they’ll definitely get there. The divorce wasn’t messy, but it couldn’t be exactly defined as clean either. Emotions were definitely high, and words were said that couldn’t be taken back. Above all else, it had put Skye right in the middle of it, something that neither one of them had wanted, even though it was ultimately inevitable.

“You left her there, for two hours. Her teacher tried to call you. _I_ tried to call you! I had to leave my office and cross town to pick her up. What if I had been in court, huh? What then? What, was she just supposed to sit there well into the evening waiting for you? What if I hadn’t been there?”

“I would’ve…I shouldn’t have…” Becky can only sigh when she realizes she can’t come up with a follow up. She rakes a hand through her hair and shakes her head sadly. “I’m sorry. I’m trying, Sasha.”

Sasha raises her eyebrows and laughs, but it’s not humors. Instead, it’s laced around a thick layer of ice that nearly drops the temperature in the room. “You’re trying. Right. Well you’re doing a whole lot to show for it.”

“Sasha, that’s not fair.”

“No, what’s not fair is you coming in here every single time telling me you’re ‘trying’ when nothing about you has changed.”

If the words are meant to cut deep, they certainly do. For a moment, she finds herself unable to meet Sasha’s gaze. Her jaw tenses and she quietly searches for her own words. She lands on something that’s been weighing on her mind for a while, and after a few more moments of thought, she finds the will to bring it up.

“I uh, I wanted to ask you about something…” she mumbles before she’s turning back to Sasha. “I wanted to talk to you about maybe getting some more time with her?”

Sasha’s eyes widen and her mouth falls ajar just a fraction before the mirthless laugh returns. “Are…are you serious? The day you leave her stranded at school you suddenly want more time with her?”

Becky groans and shakes her head. “Sasha, that’s not fair. I’m her mother too and—”

“You sure don’t act like it—”

“Can you stop doing that!? Please!? Every time I try to say anything you just fucking…” Becky interrupts herself to sigh and drag a hand over her face. “Look, I know I’ve fucked up a few times, but I really am trying okay? I just…I want to see her more, Sasha. I-I can figure something out with work; work longer hours so I have more days off, I don’t know, but I just want more time with her. Please…”

The pleading vulnerability in Becky’s eyes is nearly enough to shatter Sasha’s icy resolve. _Nearly_. She looks away while pressing her tongue to the inside of her cheek and she’s left shaking her head. “I think what you have is actually more than enough. Until you figure that out, you don’t really get to ask me for anything.”

“I’m ready.”

Becky has just opened mouth to argue back when they’re interrupted by a voice by the stairs. Her gaze lands on her daughter who is waiting with a backpack that’s been stuffed full while she’s clutching a pillow to her front. For a moment, she meets Becky’s eyes before her gaze is fallen back to the floor.

This is something that doesn’t go unnoticed by Sasha who sends Becky a colder look before she’s heading over to Skye. She kneels while taken Skye’s hands onto her own. “Hey, you’re gonna have a good weekend, okay? I know it was a rough day, but you and Mama always have fun together. Try to think about all of that going forward.”

Skye nods and worries her bottom lip. For a moment she looks as if she wants to ask a question, but the discrete and subtle look she takes between her parents kills her courage. She takes a quiet deep breath before she’s throwing her arms around Sasha’s neck and hugging her tightly.

Watching the scene leaves Becky’s swallowing thickly as an uneasy feeling settles at the very pit of her stomach. She stuffs her hands into her pockets and begins to shift uncomfortably before eventually opting to glance down at her shoes. When she hears smaller footsteps approaching her, she looks up to find Skye watching her curiously, yet carefully.

Becky does her best to put on her best smile and fight to speak beyond the tightness in her throat. “You ready to head out? You sure you got everything?”

Skye glances over her shoulder at her backpack before she’s nodding. “Yeah, I’m sure.”

“Good! Great, ‘cause we’ve got some pretty awesome plans for the weekend. Probably gonna make your Mom a little jealous with how much fun we’re gonna have.”

Sasha tenses but she immediately relaxes when for the first time that evening, Skye cracks a tiny laugh. She follows the two through the open door and sighs quietly before she’s reaching out to grab Becky’s arm. “Becky,” she calls out before quickly glancing over Becky’s shoulder to make sure Skye is out of earshot. When she turns back, she makes it a point to look Becky dead in the face while she shakes her head. “Please…don’t make promises to her you can’t keep.”

For what is definitely the nth time that night, Becky loses her words. She glances down at the hand on her arm before she’s looking back up to meet the pleading stare of her ex-wife. “I’m gonna keep ‘em…” she murmurs quietly.

Sasha removes her hand and steps back into the doorway. She quietly watches the two as they make their way down the pathway towards Becky’s car. About a little more than halfway down the sidewalk, she watches as Becky takes Skye’s backpack and crouches down, allowing the young girl to climb onto her back and she opts to carry her the rest of the way. Sasha’s lips twitch but she doesn’t smile. Even those don’t seem to last long these days.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This isn't necessarily a 'multi-chapter' just a...three to four parter maybe. We'll see. Thank you for reading.


	2. Chapter 2

******

The blaring sound of an alarm startles the living shit out of her and she’s left scrambling almost violently beneath the sheets. She jolts up and presses a hand to her chest as the blaring continues. Leaning over, she snatched the offending object off the nights and silences it before she’s resting back against the headboard.

Her phone lands on the bed with a soft thump and she’s left to drag a rather shaky hand through her hair while her heart is still racing. She grimaces when she realizes just how damp her hair is, no doubt from the thin layer of cold sweat that covers the rest of her body. For a moment, she takes the time to dig into her eyes with her palms in an attempt to try and will herself even more awake.

Eventually, she rubs her eyes while trying to recall her dreams from the night before. A full pain manifested itself when she can just vaguely recall what she was dreaming about. Happier times. Times of smiling and laughing. Dancing. Kissing. Lovemaking. She doesn’t quite have a clear picture of what she was dreaming about, but she knows it was lightyears away from the reality she feels she’s unjustly existed in for far too long.

Dragging her hands down her face, she glances to her right and sighs quietly at its vacancy. Almost as if no one had been there to begin with. Another quick glance around the room reminds her that no one has. The walls aren’t empty, but they’re definitely muted compared to the once remembered warm feeling of home.

Grunting, she swings her legs over the edge of the bed, cursing when the action causes her phone to slide from her lap and land on the carpet. She bends over and retrieves, finding the screen lit displaying the time and date. She frowns and it’s only seconds later that she’s groaning when she realizes she had no reason to set her alarm prior seeing as she has no obligations to be anywhere for the day.

“Brilliant...” Becky tosses her phone back onto the bed and heads towards the conjoining bathroom where she at least plans on taking the hopefully relaxing shower.

A shower that doesn’t prove to be relaxing in the slightest as even under the warm stream of water, she’s unable to ease the tension away from her shoulders. Seconds start to resembles years and too tired of getting lost in her own thoughts, she’s quickly jumping from the shower and dressing, all the while muttering to herself about somehow forgetting about her day off.

Her hair is still damn as it hangs over her shoulder. As she’s making her way down the hall, she pauses by a door that’s left open just a crack. She feels herself become nervous as she pushes the door open, but they immediately subside when they fall on the sleeping child in the bed across the room. A small smile finds her lips as she finds humor in the fact that her daughter has managed to kick all of the blankets off and positioned herself to be sprawled starfish in the very center of the bed.

Creeping forward, Becky bends over as she approaches the bed and carefully grasps the ends of the blanket before she’s pulling them up. She gently tucks her fingers under Skye’s chin to close her mouth from where she’s drooling on her pillow. Becky’s smile widens a bit when she sarcastically asks herself where Skye must’ve gotten that from.

The rest of her journey is slow and her descent of the stairs is hesitant. Still, she’s exhausted and it shows from the loud yawn that escapes as she eventually meanders her way into the kitchen. Immediately, she atmosphere turns a little shift as she briefly makes eye contact with her wife who is standing on the opposite side of the island. There’s a mug next to her as she’s leaning against the counter and scrolling through her phone.

Becky’s eyes roam over her nicely pressed black suit and the attaché resting on the counter. Her jaw works for several moments before she’s trying to settle on something to say. “Mornin...”

Sasha only hums while continuing to scroll through her phone. Becky notices this and sighs audibly. Her eyes wander down to one of the mugs left on the island before she’s inching one towards her.

“Any coffee left?”

This time, Sasha pauses. She glances at Becky out of the corner of her eye and sets her phone down before she’s retrieving her own coffee mug and heading over to the pot. She pours the very last of the coffee into her mug and takes a sip before she’s returning to her spot over by the counter. This time she’s looking directly at Becky as she speaks.

“Nope. Ran out...”

Becky’s hand falls from around the handle of the mug and closes into a loose fist. She lowers her head and takes a heavy deep breath. “We gonna do this every single morning?”

“No one’s doing anything.”

“Sasha, c’mon...”

“What Becky?”

Becky holds her hands out before they’re falling limply onto the counter. When her eyes meet Sasha’s she finds the similar look of resentment she’s grown all too familiar with for she doesn’t even know how long. The look is enough to make her feel about two feet tall.

“Do you have court today?” Is what she finally settles on asking.

“Sort of. They just hired a new attorney, I’m just there to observe him,” Sasha shrugs nonchalantly. “Is Skye awake?”

“No, she’s ah...still sleeping.”

“I see.”

A silence falls over them and Becky feels her heart beginning to speed up just a bit. Clearing her throat, she’s taking her cup and heading over to the coffee pot where she sets to replace the filter and start a fresh pot. “It’s my off day, so I can put breakfast on? Maybe make some eggs and bacon? Then we can wake her up—”

“I don’t have time today.”

Becky huffs. “When do you have time...” she mumbles under her breath.

It’s meant to be unheard, but Sasha hears it loud and clear and she’s quickly placing her phone down and straightening up. “Excuse me? You of all people really wanna get into it with me about time right now?”

Becky groans. “No, I...I don’t I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it like that. I just meant...” she sighs irritably as she tries to reign in her own fuck up. “Sash, it feels like we aren’t even living in the same house anymore. I mean Christ, I don’t even know how long I’ve been in the guest room and all this just feels...it feels like I’ve lost, and I don’t know how to fight anymore. I...I need you to help me.”

For a brief moment if looking closely, one could see Sasha worrying her bottom lip, a telltale sign of her own nerves and conflicting emotions threatening to manifest into something of a visual giveaway. Instead, she shakes her head and manages to keep herself level.

“I don’t know.”

That’s all she says. That’s all she _can_ say and to what exactly she’s saying it to, she has no idea. What she does know is that she’s tired. She’s tired of the eggshells, the arguments, the tears, the doors slamming, the yelling, the endless days, and sleepless nights. She’s tired of all of it.

Becky is only left to watch as her wife appears to be having some sort of internal battle. A battle that she can’t even begin to engage or assist with, because they’re been so detached for so long. It seems like every time one of them even tries to reach, the other takes a full step back, well out of arm’s length. It’s only served to make her feel helpless and confused.

Feeling a small sense of boldness, she sighs before she rounds the silent and slowly approaches the counter. She places her hands on the countertop on either side of Sasha all the while gazing at her deeply, searching for something, _anything_ , to give her guidance on what to do. It scares her when she finds herself completely unable to read Sasha’s thoughts; something that she’s always prided herself in being able to successfully do.

“Baby…”

Sasha’s jaw clicks slightly at the pet name and her gaze falls down to the slim amount of space between the two of them. They haven’t been this close to one another in…she doesn’t know. When trying to recall, she can’t pinpoint the last time they’ve been intimate with one another. The sudden closeness feels foreign as she finds herself shifting a little further back into the edge of the counter.

“I have court…” she mumbles, ducking her head to the side just a fraction just as Becky leans in a bit closer.

Becky freezes and immediately hangs her head. She doesn’t much move, but she doesn’t protest as Sasha is practically slithering from in front of her. She keeps her now tensed hands braced on the counter while she listens to the sound of heels clicking out of the kitchen. The noise transitions into light thumps ascending the stairs and she has no doubt Sasha is headed to check in on their daughter one last time before she’s gone for the day.

Eventually, she transitions to the entryway of the kitchen and leans against the doorframe as she watches her wife descend the stairs and head towards the door. “Have a good day…”

Sasha’s hand pauses on the door nod and her smile is tight as she doesn’t look up. She doesn’t say anything before she’s slipping through the door and closing it with a soft sense of finality. The silence leaves Becky uncomfortable even as she releases a breath she hadn’t even realized she had been holding. It’s almost as if her own home suddenly feels foreign and she’s left without a sense of belonging.

For a long time, she has no idea what to do with herself. It takes her about twenty minutes to find a tin that holds enough coffee to brew. A small grimace finds her face when she’s disposing of the container and she finds an alarming stack of coffee filters in the trash. She’s sure it’s not going to do much for her mood, but at least it’s something to get her day started.

While the coffee brews, she’s left to meandering around her own house. Much like the kitchen, each room feels foreign, other than the guest room she’s been occupying as of recent. A quiet sigh escapes her as she finds herself inside the master bedroom when she realizes she should probably just grab some more of her clothes to move down the hall.

On her way to the closet, she pauses by the bed and a tiny smile finds her lips as she passes by the bed and she’s hit with a sense of familiarity. The covers look as if they haven’t been slept on, but she can see a faint indention in the pillows in the very center of the bed. On top of the duvet, sits a legal pad and a stack of manila folders both opened and closed and in varying states of highlight. She’s not trying to read any of the files, but one lone stack of papers sitting separated from the manila folders catches her eye.

Frowning, Becky angles her head slightly as she steps closer to the bed. The paper atop the stack doesn’t resemble anything of a case file, she’s seen plenty enough of those to know. Her frown deepens as a lot of the first paid is scrawled in Sasha’s handwriting. It’s when she actually reads one of the first few lines towards the top of the page does her blood run cold.

_I am the Petitioner…_

Becky quickly snatches the papers of the bed. Her eyes blink rapidly several times as she tries to process the words on the page. Her throat feels like sandpaper and the act of swallowing with such dryness proves almost painful.

_The name of my spouse is…_

The pages begin to flutter as Becky finds her hands involuntarily shaking. 

_My spouse and I do have children together under the age of 18…_

Her gaze is becoming unfocused as she continues to flip through the pages filled with scrawling information.

_I ask the court to change my name…_

Becky can’t even bring herself to even read the next sentence that follows, but her gaze does land on Sasha’s full signature at the very bottom of that last page. A cold sweat runs down the back of her neck and she sways a little on her feet as she’s sure the room spins a little. She brain tries to convince her to read things over and over, but she can’t seem to take her eyes off the signature.

“Mama?”

Becky physically jumps as she had been so lost inside the hurricane of her mind. Her eyes look up towards the open door where she finds Skye lingering in the doorway. One hand is tightly clutching a small blanket while the other is tiredly rubbing at her eyes. She yawns before sniffling and pouting slightly.

“Mama, I’m hungry…”

Becky’s mouth open, but the noise that escapes her sounds almost strangled. She glances down at the papers in her hands, then back at her daughter and immediately her eyes begin to water. “Hey kiddo,” she forces herself to smile around the unshed tears and uneasiness. She lets the papers fall back into the bed before she’s crossing the room. She laughs quietly when Skye immediately extends her arms and she makes a show of groaning as she lifts Skye from the floor and easily transitions her to her back. “You know, I’m getting a bit too old to be carrying you around like this.”

“Hungry…” Skye mumbles sleepily with her cheek pressed into Becky’s shoulder.

“Yeah kiddo, let’s…” her voice gets caught as she’s walking down the hall as she vividly recalls everything that’s happened in her morning. Hearing Skye sigh quietly behind her brings her out of her reverie and she shakes her head before forcing a smile to her face.

“Let’s get some food in you.”

******

* * *

This isn’t the first time she’s startled awake, and it definitely won’t be the last. The action is shocking and immediately her heart dips as she nearly tumbles over the edge of the couch. It takes her brain only a second to recall where she is, and immediately she’s left sighing harshly against the light peeking in through the blinds.

Sitting up on the couch, Becky rests her head into her hands while rubbing at her eyes. Her muscles ache slightly from combined effort of the brutal day she had before and the awkward positioning she’s slept in on the couch. A loud yawn escapes her as her body screams at her to let her know she somehow managed to sleep but didn’t rest.

She blindly reaches for her phone on the coffee table and she’s unsurprised to find an early morning text from Bayley asking her if she wants to hit the gym later. She groggily types out a response to decline due to the fact she has other responsibilities for the day.

Speaking of other responsibilities.

Becky can hear faint noise coming from her bedroom. She stands from the couch and stretches out her tired muscles before she’s carefully making her way down the hall of her single bedroom apartment. The door to her bedroom is left cracked open just as she left it and she’s a little surprised when she opens the door a little further to find her daughter fully awake.

Skye sits up against the pillows in the very center of the bed. She’s sitting cross legged underneath the blankets while she holds the remote from the television in both hands. Her face contorts into a small frown when the door opens, but she doesn’t say anything.

Taking a deep breath, Becky slowly pads over to the bed before she’s sitting on the edge. “You’re up kinda early.”

“Couldn’t sleep…” Skye mumbles while not turning away from the television.

Chewing her lip, Becky shifts further onto the bed before she’s stretching out completely while propping herself up on an elbow. She watches as Skye’s small frown doesn’t change and she can’t help but think about how much it reminds her of Sasha. She allows more silence while her gaze shifts the cartoon playing out on the tv.

“What show is this?”

“I dunno…”

Becky sighs quietly through her nose. “Well, are you hungry? I can make us somethin’ to eat. Maybe pancakes? I know those are your favorite and we always have fun when we make ‘em.”

Skye slowly shakes her head. “Mommy got pancakes yesterday.”

“Oh…” Becky doesn’t know why something so small stings as much as it does. “Well, how about French toast?”

“I guess…” Skye shrugs her shoulders. “Can I use your phone? I wanna call Mommy…”

Becky never really thought she’d find herself stumped by a seven year old, but that’s exactly where she is. For a solid ten seconds her mouth is left slightly ajar as words struggle to escape. “I…yeah, sure,” she lays her phone gently on the mattress before she’s sitting up and pressing a kiss to the side of Skye’s head. “When you’re done, brush your teeth and come on out for breakfast, okay?”

Becky stands from the bed and makes her way back over towards the door. She leaves it open about halfway and drags her feet down the hall towards the kitchen. She opts out of lingering anywhere near the door to listen, because she’s not exactly sure it’s anything she wants to hear. A heavy sigh escapes her as she roots through her fridge for breakfast ingredients, all the while trying to think of ways to salvage the weekend.

* * *

Sasha downs the last of her mimosa and sets it on the table. She blinks slowly at the wide eyed and raised eyebrow look she’s receiving from her best friend. “What? Is there something on my face?”

Charlotte only blinks again. “No…just the fact you’ve inhaled that second one like it’s water…” she pauses. “And our food hasn’t even got here yet.”

“Well…they’re half price for a reason,” Sasha shrugs while absently tracing the rim of the glass with her finger. “At least it’s not coffee.”

“True, but at least with coffee I know you’ll be able to drive home.”

Sasha snorts quietly at the smug comment. “We’ve known each other since college, Char…”

Charlotte seems to mull this over in her mind before she’s nodding in agreement. “You’re absolutely right. I seem to remember you drinking every frat house under the table at one point or any other.”

“And you were there to help,” Sasha laughs. Even though it’s a laugh, it’s still laced underneath a film of exhaustion and anxiety. This is definitely something that doesn’t go unnoticed and Sasha knows that.

Even though their table is the only one out on the patio, Charlotte still finds herself shifting forward as she speaks. “Are you okay?”

Sasha opens and closes her mouth several times before she laughs again, and this time, it’s a little mirthless. “Define okay,” her gaze briefly shifts down to her phone where she checks for any notifications before she’s looking back up at her best friend. “I woke up this morning and didn’t have to go to work. I would say I’m pretty okay with that.”

Charlotte finds herself fending off an eye roll. “Can you really say you ‘woke up’ this morning when you look like you haven’t slept?”

Sasha ducks her head a little. “I…might’ve tossed and turned for a few hours…or most of the night…” she admits quietly before huffing. “I was just thinking about too much, I guess. Worrying after Becky came and picked up Skye last night.”

“Ah,” Charlotte nods before sitting back in her chair. She seems to recall sitting up an extra hour waiting for some kind of emergency text from Sasha just in case her services were needed. When she hadn’t heard anything, she assumed her friend probably just needed to decompress from everything that had gone on in the day. “If you don’t mind me asking, how’d that go?”

“It went as…it went. Skye barely said three words after I picked her up from school. Char she was just…” Sasha shakes her head sadly recalling the muted demeanor of her daughter who is usually so bright, brilliant, and full of energy. “She was so disappointed and I’m worried Becky just…opens up for even more of that.”

Humming, Charlotte nods again while taking a thoughtful sip of her drink. She sets her glass down and clicks her tongue while mentally trying to choose her words carefully. “I don’t know, Sash…”

Sasha snorts again while her gaze falls to the table. “Yes, you do. You just don’t wanna say it.”

Charlotte is briefly caught off guard and she immediately knows one of her tells gave her away. “I don’t think it’s my place.”

“That’s never stopped you before. Char just…tell me whatever you’re thinking so I don’t have to guess. I don’t have the energy to guess.”

“I think…” Charlotte pauses to sigh. “Based on everything…and an outsider’s perspective, I’m not sure Becky being around this much is good for both you and Skye. I’m not saying she shouldn’t be in Skye’s life but…Christ, Sasha, she left the kid at school for two hours.”

Sasha groans and covers her face. “I know…I know.”

“And while it’s the first time she’s done something like _that_ , it’s not the first time she’s fucked up…and it probably isn’t going to be the last. I guess I’m just…wondering how many chances you’re willing to give her….because I truly think that’s where a lot of your energy is going.”

Sasha clasps her hands together and rests her chin on the bridge. Charlotte is right and she knows it. It’s a question she’s asked herself many times, long before she even filed for divorce. It’s also a question even two years later she somehow hasn’t found a way to answer.

“I guess I’m just…” she immediately hates herself for what she’s about to say and somehow, she can’t seem to stop the words as they have already begun to roll out. “I guess there’s a part of me that’s left to think that maybe she can still change.”

“I figured, but Sash…if you keep going off that base alone…Skye isn’t the only one going to be left disappointed.”

Sasha nods and nearly bites her lip so hard it hurts. It pains her, feeling so helpless in a situation she knows she can’t control, but she’s still scrambling to grasp the reigns on it anyway. She’s quickly startled out of her own mental warfare by the sound of her phone buzzing on the table. Sitting up, straighter, she frowns when she sees Becky is calling her and she’s answering the phone with urgency.

“Hey. Did something happen?”

“Mommy?”

Sasha frowns immediately and shifts in her chair, while subconsciously reaching for her keys. “Hey Baby…you’re up kinda early.”

“I know…I couldn’t sleep.”

“I’m sorry. Is your Ma there with you?”

“Yeah, she’s in the kitchen making breakfast…”

There’s a pause so long that Sasha nearly thinks the call has been dropped. Before she can bring it away from her ear to check, Skye starts speaking again.

“When can I come home?”

Sasha’s throat catches at the question and she finds herself slumping in her chair. “Do you want me to come get you?”

“I don’t know…”

Tapping her fingers against the table, Sasha leans forward and sighs while resting her forehead on her hand. “How about this; eat some breakfast and if you still feel a little later that you me to come and get you, I will. Okay?”

“Okay…”

“I love you, Baby…”

“I love you too…”

When the call disconnects Sasha all but flings her phone on the table and it’s left skidding across the surface. Her jaw is clenched tight and her lips tremble before she’s quickly bringing her hands to cover her face. Charlotte’s eyebrows furrow together and she’s quickly dragging her chair around the table to where they are close enough to be side by side.

“Hey…” she doesn’t even have to ask. The subtle shaking it Sasha’s shoulders is enough to tell her. She reaches over and gently pulls her friend closer while squeezing her tightly. “It’s okay. She’s gonna be okay…”

Sasha nods even though there is loud question ringing in her mind.

_‘But will I be okay…’_

Another thing she has yet to be able to answer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you guys for the reception on this. As always, thoughts always welcome.


	3. Chapter 3

******

It’s mid-morning on a quiet Sunday that finds Skye seated in the middle of the floor in the living room. Her legs are crossed while she leans over a large white poster board continuing to trace over a large number 1 with a blue marker. Next to her sits a big bottle of glue and a large jar filled to the brim with pennies. Her tongue pokes just out of the corner of her mouth as her slightly unsteady hand connects the lines on her tracing.

Noise from the stairs grabs her attention and she’s quickly looking up before beaming brightly as her mother descends the stairs. “Mama!”

Becky’s gaze darts towards the center of the living room and she smiles tiredly. “Hey kiddo, mornin’,” her voice is tired and almost grim as she sets her duffel bag down and heads over to where Skye is how standing in the center of the room. She squats down and lifts her daughter into her arms before ruffling her hair, smiling as the action causes Skye to break into squeaking giggles. “What’re you doin’ up so early, huh?”

Skye giggles again and shakes her head. “It’s not early. You just sleep long,” she reaches out and begins to trace her fingers over the badge that’s pinned to Becky’s chest. “How come you’ve got on work clothes?”

For a brief moment, Becky’s eyebrows furrow together and her smile fades, but she quickly recovers. “Ah, I’ve gotta go into work for a bit kiddo.”

This time, Skye’s grin falls completely, and her face immediately contorts into a pout. “You said you’d help me today...” her voice has gone small. “I’ve got my hundred day of school poster...and you said you’d help me.”

Blinking dumbly, Becky finally notices the craft materials scattered around the living room floor. When she looks back up, she finds Skye watching her with that same pout only now her eyes have begun to water. She immediately begins cursing herself in the back of her mind.

“Baby I’m sorry I...I’ve gotta go to work,” her words are spoken softly and she’s unsurprised to find Skye’s lip beginning to quiver as she starts pushing against her shoulders to be put down. “Hey, but I can try to help you with it in the morning? How’s that?”

Skye is quickly shaking her head while she continues to push against Becky. “I gotta finish _today_...” she sniffles while continuing to shake her head.

“I’m sorry...maybe your mom will be able to help you fin—“

“I wanted you to help me!”

Becky relaxes her grip enough for Skye to scramble completely out of her arms. Her words seem to die out before they can even form properly as she watches Skye rub at her eyes while running towards the stairs. “Skye!” She tries calling out, wincing at the sudden slamming of a door somewhere upstairs. When she spins around, she flinches when she finds her wife glaring at her from the kitchen. Immediately, her shoulders slump. “Christ...”

Sasha’s arms are folded tight over her chest and her glare is ice cold while she continues to lean against the entryway. For a long time, she doesn’t even say anything. She only continues to stare unmoving while Becky shifts awkwardly from foot to foot across the room.

Cracking first, Becky sighs audibly. “Babe I know...”

“Do you?” Sasha asks, this time raising her eyebrows though she still doesn’t move. “Do you seriously have to go into work _today_?”

Becky holds her hands out in defeat. “I got called in. They need stripes on B shift, and I was the only one available.”

“This is the first day you’ve had off since last Sunday,” Sasha shakes her head in disbelief before she’s gesturing to the art supplies on the floor. “She woke up early and pulled everything out because you said you’d help her. Now you’re just gonna take all that back?”

“Sasha, I got called in!”

“Then why didn’t you tell them something else? How come everyone else got to be unavailable except for you? You’re available because you told them you were,” Sasha moves from her spot by the kitchen and minimizes the space between the two of them. She pauses to gaze into Becky’s eyes for a long moment before she’s slowly shaking her head. “You wanted to go in.”

They’re close enough for Sasha to see Becky’s jaw clench tightly and it’s Becky looks away does she find herself laughing bitterly. “You _wanted_ to go in. You’d rather be there than spending time with your family...with your own kid.”

Becky shakes her head. “That’s not true. You know I wouldn’t be doing this if I didn’t absolutely have to.”

Sasha worries her bottom lip and for a good while it looks like she wants to argue. Only she doesn’t. Instead, she only shakes her head before she’s sighing tiredly. “What time will you be home?”

“I should be back around ten or so. I’ll try to call when I can and...” Becky pauses and looks towards the stairs. “Maybe try to talk to her a little later.”

Stepping forward, Becky loosely wraps her arms around Sasha’s waist while pulling her closer. “I’ll make it up to you, I promise. Okay?”

Nodding, Sasha accepts the kiss placed to her cheek and the gentle one placed on her lips. “Okay...” she murmurs quietly, watching as Becky steps back to retrieve her duffle bag. “Be careful...”

“I will. Love you...” Becky offers Sasha another small smile before she’s heading towards the door.

As the door closes, Sasha once again sighs audibly. She bends down and slowly begins to clean up the supplies left abandoned on the floor. A bitter laugh escapes her as she never once thought she’d be able to identify with a bunch of inanimate objects, but here she is, nonetheless. When she’s done cleaning, she finds herself slowly heading towards to stairs to do some damage control.

Pausing outside of Skye’s room, she cracks the door open just a little. Her eyebrows furrow together when she peers inside to find her daughter having flung herself onto her bed while she sobs into a pillow. She’s careful as she fully enters the room and kneels down next to the bed.

“Baby girl...” she says quietly while gently resting her hand on Skye’s back. Her frown only deepens when the sniffles and sobs continue. Sighing, she gently wraps her arms around Skye’s much smaller frame and left her from the bed, transitioning her to her shoulder. She sits back onto the floor and crosses her legs while Skye clings to her tightly.

“Mommy...” Skye barely manages to whimper while dissolving into quiet hiccups.

Sasha swears she can feel her own heart crack just a little more than it already has. She gently rubs Skye’s back while nodding her head. “I know...we’ll finish it okay? I promise we’ll finish it.”

“But...but...”

“I know, Baby. I...” Sasha finds her voice catching in her throat.

She’s thankful Skye is practically buried into her neck so she can’t see Sasha as she wipes at her own tears that have managed to make their way down her cheeks against her permission. Her breath shudders when she inhales and the action of wiping her tears only causes more to fall.

“You’re okay. We...we’ll be okay...”

******

* * *

The sudden burn to her hand startles her something terrible and she jerks back to find herself having well over poured her cup of coffee. “Shit...” the word comes out in a hiss as she slams the pot down and immediately tries to scramble for a rag to clean up the mess.

Getting lost in daydreams and nightmares has become something of a norm for Becky. Usually she finds herself launched into visions of past and present and when she’s jolted out of it, she’s left wondering how and why she let things get to where they are. How she could’ve been so foolish and selfish to think that time was simply a construct and she had a limitless amount of it. To say she was wrong would probably be the understatement of the millennia.

Her hand is tense around her mug as she lifts it to take a sip, not even wincing against the bitter burn that reaches her tongue. There’s a small amount of shuffling behind her and when she turns around, she finds Skye taking a seat at the small table just outside the kitchen. For a split second Becky’s eyes dart to her phone Skye places on the table before she’s blinking quickly and managing a smile.

“Hey, you want anything with your French toast? I’ve got bacon, sausage, eggs—”

“Bacon please.”

Becky nods and roots through the fridge for a brief moment before she’s dropping a few strips of bacon into a pan. For a long time, the only noise heard in the kitchen is the loud sizzling and the occasional pop as the bacon continues to cook. Becky glances over her shoulder only to find Skye still sitting at the table with her cheek resting on her hand while she absently draws patterns into the tabletop with her finger.

She has no idea how or why she’s nervous, but Becky finds herself releasing a shaky breath as she speaks. “How’s school been?”

Skye frowns at the question but doesn’t immediately say anything. Eventually, she’s left shrugging her shoulders. “It’s fine. Mrs. M says I have the highest grade and the best attendance in the class.”

“Oh! That’s awesome! Highest grade, huh? Look at you, showing off in front of all those other kids.”

Skye actually smiles and blushes a little before she shrugs her shoulders again. “Mommy helps me a lot. We spend a lotta time on math ‘cause that’s what’s hardest. She makes it easy though.”

Becky’s heart does a small leap at the subtle mention of her ex-wife. “Oh, that’s good,” she turns back to the stove and flips the bacon before awkwardly clearing her throat. “And how is she doing? Your mom?”

For a brief moment Skye looks incredibly sad, but it goes unnoticed as the look is gone when Becky briefly turns around to place a glass of orange juice on the table. Taking the glass, Skye takes several big gulps before setting it down and wiping her mouth with the back of her hand.

“Skye?”

“Huh?”

“How’s your mom?”

“Oh...” Skye’s fingers tap against the tabletop before she shrugs. “She’s good. She talks to Aunt Charlie a lot.”

Becky’s flinch startles even her as she drops the spatula into the pan where it lands with a clatter. “Oh. She does?”

Skye nods quickly. “Uh huh. Aunt Charlie comes over a lot too and they talk a lot. Sometimes Mommy seems angry, but she told me it’s rude to listen when adults are talking.”

Swallowing thickly, Becky can only nod. “Oh. I see...” her voice has gone quiet while she focuses on transferring the bacon to their plates. She grabs both plates and her coffee cup before heading over to the table where she sets them down and takes a seat of her own. “When she’s not angry, how is she? Does she seem happy?”

Skye shrugs again while picking up a piece of bacon that she all but stuffs into her mouth. “I guess. There’s this lady that comes over sometimes and they laugh and stuff.”

“Lady? What lady?”

“I dunno. I’ve only seen her a little bit.”

“Well, what’s she look like?”

“Tall? I dunno...”

“Has she said anything to you? Has your mom said anything about her? C’mon, you’ve gotta know more than just that.”

“I said I don’t know!”

Becky’s hand closes tightly around her coffee cup and she hangs her head. She sits back in her chair before she’s sighing heavily and looking at Skye with her eyes full of apology. “I’m sorry, kiddo. I shouldn’t be...you don’t have to answer any of that.”

Skye ducks her head and begins pushing her toast around the plate with her fork. “Can I ask you something?” She mumbles after a long stint of silence.

“Yeah, of course. Anything.”

“How come you don’t live with us anymore?”

Becky’s mouth falls open, but the words don’t come. Of all the things she assumed she would be asked; this definitely didn’t make the list. The curiosity swirling in Skye’s eyes does absolutely nothing for her resolve and she finds herself needing to look away before she can even think about coming up with a response.

“I...” _‘didn’t want to leave’_ “When two people fight a lot, sometimes they decide it’s best to not live together anymore. We decided we didn’t want you to see us fight anymore. But...we both still love you, very much and we always will.”

For Skye, she still doesn’t understand, but she’s left nodding anyway. “I miss you...” she mumbles around her food and the words are so jumbled Becky misses them.

Sighing, Becky turns back to her own breakfast while occasionally sneaking glances at Skye who has slowed considerably on eating. They stay like that as the minutes pass and she’s just about to ask Skye what she wants to do for the rest of the day when there’s a quick series of knocks on her front door.

Frowning as she wasn’t expecting anyone, Becky excuses herself from the table and heads towards the door. Upon looking through the peephole, her frown only deepens in confusion and soon she’s hastily unlocking the door. “Sasha?”

Sasha doesn’t say much as she all but quickly sweeps into the apartment. She takes note of the blanket and pillow halfway off the couch and the overall less than tidy makeup of the living room. She frowns and rounds on Becky quickly.

“Where’s Skye?”

Startled by the sudden intrusion, Becky blinks owlishly. “She’s...we’re having breakfast. Is something wrong?”

“Is there? Why was she calling me this morning?” When Becky doesn’t answer, Sasha rolls her eyes and heads off towards the kitchen, only to be surprised when Skye meets her halfway. “Hey you, are you feeling okay?”

Skye nods and returns the hug she’s given. “I’m okay. Mama made French toast for us this morning. Want some?”

“No Baby, that’s okay. I just needed to make sure you’re alright.”

Becky, who has been worrying her lip as the scene unfolds, finally clears her throat. “Hey Kiddo, how about you go finish up your breakfast with the tv?”

Skye’s eyes widen in a moment of excitement before she nods quickly and grabs her plate. Becky waits patiently for the sound of her bedroom door closing before she’s turning back to Sasha full force. “Sasha, what are you doing here?”

“I already told you, she called me this morning and I had to make sure nothing was wrong,” Sasha responds as if it’s the most obvious thing in the world. Soon, she’s folding her arms tightly as her look begins to harden.

“Everything’s fine. It was a bit of a bumpy morning but...we’re enjoying breakfast. So...what’s the real reason you’re here?”

“I already told you—”

“Because she called yeah, but why? It’s because you don’t trust me, isn’t it?” Sasha scoffs and looks away, but Becky is pressing on before she can say anything. “That’s it, right? You don’t trust me.”

Sasha shrugs and squares her jaw. “After you abandoned her yesterday, and she’s calling me asking when she can come home today, yeah I find it a little hard to trust you,” she scoffs again and shakes her head. “I think I should just take her home.”

Becky’s eyes widen and her face falls. “You...you can’t do that. This is...it’s supposed to be my time with her.”

“Well I don’t feel comfortable with her being with you after yesterday.”

“Sash, I...fuck, I’m trying! Okay?! I’m trying so fucking hard, but how can I when you won’t even give me the chance!? I only get two days out of the whole week with her. Two! You can’t just barge in here and take that away!”

“I very damn well can, and you know I can!” Sasha’s tone goes firm as her voice begins to raise. “You know good and damn well I am the _only_ reason you even get to see her at all! Yeah, it’s two days but you can barely even handle that! Maybe we should’ve just stuck to holidays and her birthday like I originally wanted.”

“You can’t do that!” When Sasha tries to head off towards the bedroom, Becky reaches out and grabs hold of her arm before pulling her back. “Did Charlotte put you up to this?”

Sasha’s face darkens before she’s snatching out of the hold. “Oh my god don’t even start...”

“I’m serious! Did she? Because we both know how she feels about me. You don’t think I know it was her that taught my kid the word ‘deadbeat’!? Get real Sasha.”

“You are insane. Charlotte’s got _nothing_ to do with this.“

“And what’s this about you having someone over???”

Sasha freezes and her mouth works several times before she’s quickly shaking her head. “What are you talking about?”

This time, it’s Becky who scoffs and throws her hands up towards the bedroom. “Skye told me about some chick you’ve had over. You didn’t even think to maybe discuss that with me?”

Sasha rolls her eyes. “Oh my god, you are insane. It’s not even anything and even if it was, it’s not any of your business.”

“It damn well is my business when you’re bringing someone around my kid that I don’t know about!”

“Is that why you’re bothered? Are you bothered because of that? Or just at the idea that maybe I could be seeing someone else?”

Becky’s mouth closes with a click and she stands up straighter. Her jaw is tight, and she finds herself now engaged in a staring match with the wall as she feels a familiar and unpleasant stinging behind her eyes. She doesn’t say anything. She _can’t_ say anything because she knows she won’t have control over anything if she does.

These are all subtle ticks that Sasha picks up on and she’s left shaking her head as a mirthless laugh escapes her. “You can’t be serious...”

“You never gave me a chance...” Becky responds through grit teeth.

“I...I tried to.” _‘I’m still trying...’_

Silence befalls between the two and it almost feels foreign given the state of their relationship both during and after their marriage. It’s so quiet that they can almost hear one another’s inner thoughts. Sasha’s finding it difficult to see past the muddy layers while Becky finds it impossible to get over the impenetrable walls that have been built miles high.

Her shoulders visibly deflate, and Becky is left to shake her head as her tears settle just underneath her eyelids. “Please. Don’t take her away from me...”

Sasha’s mouth trembles and her eyes fall downcast. She opens her mouth to respond but promptly closes it as she shakes her head and briskly heads off in the direction of the bedroom. Becky is left to hear the sound of the door opening and closing and she limply falls back onto the couch before dropping her head into her hands.

Who knows how long she sits there. How long she’s left to fight and claw and lose the familiar raging battle with her own internal emotions that mock her both day and night. How long she sits there waiting for the inevitable while wondering just how much more she’s physically able to take.

It feels like hours before the door is opening again and Becky is quickly shooting to her feet. She’s ready to try and plead her case for all she has left, when the words die out quickly upon seeing Sasha re-entering the living room alone. Becky’s mouth falls open as her head quickly snaps towards the hallway.

Sasha is tense as she approaches Becky, moving in closer while keeping a respectable amount of distance between the two of them. Her words her low when she speaks and if they weren’t standing so close, Becky is positive she would have missed them.

“I’ll see you tomorrow night when you come to drop her off. Please make sure you’re on time.”

Becky nods slowly, still frozen to the slot even as Sasha makes her way over to the door. As it opens, she manages to find her voice enough to call out. “Sasha? I...” She takes a deep breath. “Thank you...”

Sasha doesn’t much respond except for a small nod before she’s slipping through the door and closing it behind her with an all too familiar sense of finality. The sound of the door closing echoes louder than it should, reflecting an emptiness she’s found herself unable to escape.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This...was supposed to be shorter than it is but those of you who know me knew from jump I was probably incapable of that hahaha. Anyhow, thanks for reading. Thoughts always welcome.


	4. Chapter 4

******

Her eyes blink slowly and soon the ceiling fixture focuses itself into existence. A soft sigh escapes through her nose as she slowly tries to pull herself out of the suddenly deep realm of sleep. Sitting up slightly, but rather unsteadily, she groans when she realizes she has papers scattered across her lap and the movement causes some of them to shift and flutter to the floor. The crick in her neck lets her know she had dozed off in anything but a comfortable position, and it’s everything she can do but to groggily glare at the mess she’s made of her bed.

Risking a glance to the clock on her nightstand, she closes her eyes and groans again before slowly flopping onto her back. Another sigh escapes her when her head meets the pillow and for a split second the only thing she can think about is the need for sleep and not the necessity of completing the mountain of paperwork that now lays collapsed across the floor. If anyone were to say she’s simply tired, Sasha would immediately rebuke the claim as the biggest understatement of the century. She’s so far past exhausted, she would probably have to take about three naps just to simply make it to ‘tired’.

For a moment she’s content to sit and listen to the sound of her own even breathing mixing in with the light storm happening outside. On instinct, her hand reaches out towards her right, and she’s unsurprised if still a little disappointed to find the sheets are still cold. A tiny, almost mirthless smile tugs at the very corner of her lips when she finds that any warmth she might have tricked herself into feeling on that side of the bed night after night tends to stem from her paperwork. Such is a rational that she finds darkly comical.

If anyone were to ask, without the aid of her watch or phone, she wouldn’t know what day or night it is, seeing as they’ve all tended to fall into this new routine pattern of redundancy. Each day is beginning to look like the last what with her waking up in the morning and going through the motions of the day, all the way down to her falling asleep in an empty bed at night. It’s gotten to the point where she doesn’t ask very many questions anymore, but that still doesn’t stop the growing anvil that only increases in weight in the very pit of her stomach.

Her eyes have just slipped closed and her breathing evens out when a harsh boom of thunder hits. The dimly lit room illuminates, and she finds herself quickly sitting up to lean against her headboard. With a hand placed to her chest while she calms herself from the startle, she can feel just how heavy her heart is pounding against her hand. A frown creases her features when she hears a small thud coming from somewhere in the house, and she’s quickly rising to her feet.

Sasha doesn’t pay much attention to the papers she may have trampled over on her way to the door. The storm chooses this moment to pick up as she moves through the darkened hallways of her own upstairs. Her eyes roll when she thinks about the irony of the situation and how she swears she’s seen this very same movie somewhere before. Thankfully, her journey is short and she comes to a stop just beyond a closed door where she listens intently for a moment before cracking the door open.

The lighting in the room is rather dim due to the only source being the small lamp near the bedside corner. It’s still light enough for Sasha to see, and her frown only deepens when she glances around the room only to find it appearing to be completely empty. She opts to leave the door open as she moves inside and glances around quickly. Nothing appears to be out of place or out of the ordinary, and it’s in that moment she begins to panic a little.

She soon finds her panic doesn’t last long, however, as she swears she hears a faint sniffle coming from somewhere down by her feet. Sasha moves closer to the bed and sinks to her knees before she’s slowly lifting the bed skirt. She sighs in relief, and the sigh morphs into a soft laugh as she’s met with wide eyes from underneath the bed. 

“Baby girl…whatcha doin’ down here?”

Skye sniffles again while rubbing at her eyes. “Scary…”

Sasha’s eyebrows furrow again. “The thunder scare you?” even though it’s rather dark, she’s still able to make out Skye’s tiny nod. Humming quietly, she bends over enough to extend an arm underneath the bed. “It’s alright, Baby. I’ve got you.”

Skye latches onto her mother’s hand and upon crawling out from underneath her bed, she’s immediately scrambling into Sasha’s lap to hold onto her tightly. She flinches again and squeezes even tighter when another round of thunder hits. “Mommy…”

“I’ve got you…” Sasha murmurs quietly while gently rubbing her back. She carefully maneuvers herself into a standing position to make the short trip to sit on the edge of Skye’s bed. Still rubbing her back, she settles Skye into her lap to look at her full on. “Did the thunder wake you up?”

Skye shakes her head. “I was ‘wake…”

Sasha’s inquisitive frown returns as she shifts on the bed and there’s a slight crinkle. Looking down, she realizes she’s halfway sitting on a scattered mess of papers and markers. For a brief moment, she’s actually amused as she finds this to be the elementary version of the mess she’s made in her own room.

Reaching down, she brings one of the papers closer to her while she tries to decipher the blending colors and scribbles. “It’s late. What were you doing up?”

“Drawing!” Skye exclaims excitedly as if it’s the most obvious thing in the world. She reaches out and takes the paper in Sasha’s hand while grinning widely at it. “Drawing superheroes!”

“Superheroes?”

“Ah huh! Look!”

Sasha squints staring at the paper before her eyes widen just a fraction. It’s messy, but a decipherable duo of stick figures that appear to be holding hands. Both have wiggly smiles drawn across their faces while one appears to be considerably shorter than the other. The larger stick figure is decorated in a series of blue colored rectangles with a yellow triangle in the corner of their chest. It’s when Sasha’s eyes adjust to the wavy orange squiggles does she actually realize exactly who and what the picture is of.

“Is…is this your Mama?”

Skye nods quickly while pointing at the picture. “Ah huh! Thas me and thas Mama. Superhero!”

Sasha finds herself smiling sadly at the picture. “Yeah…she is, isn’t she?”

The next clap of thunder feels like it rattles the whole house and it leaves Skye shrieking before she’s once again clinging tightly to her mother. Sasha carefully shifts the papers and markers to the nightstand before she’s gently guiding Skye onto the bed. She then carefully climbs over her and takes up position against the wall, unsurprised when Skye begins to closely burry herself into her. She’s gently combing her fingers through Skye’s hair while she continues to whisper calming words to hopefully help her doze off peacefully.

* * *

In a twist of irony, Sasha finds that she’s the one that ends up dozing off. When she wakes up this time, she’s even more groggy than the first, but there’s a massive weight off her shoulders when she looks down to find Skye peacefully resting against her pillows. She smiles tiredly and for a brief moment she considers just spending the rest of the night here. Soon, just as her eyes have started to fall closed again, there’s a gentle brush to her forehead.

Eyes flying open, it takes Sasha’s eyes a second to adjust as she’s blinking quickly to make out the outline leaning over both her and Skye. “Becky?”

Becky nods silently before holding a finger to her lips. She reaches down and gently gathers Skye into her arms long enough for Sasha to slide out of the bed. She pulls back the blankets and places Skye back onto the mattress before she’s tucking the blankets around her tightly. She then drops a quick kiss to Skye’s forehead before quietly slipping out of the room to meet Sasha in the hallway.

Sasha takes in the full state of her wife. The way her ponytail falls limp and damp over her shoulder. The rumples in her uniform. The darkened circles underneath her eyes. It’s all enough for Sasha to find her own eyebrows knitting together for more reasons than one while her lips pull into a sad thin line.

“Becky, what time is it?”

“Ah, just a little past one…”

For a split second, Sasha’s gaze falls. “Oh…I thought you’d be home around ten.”

“That was the plan I…I’m sorry,” Becky grimaces and rubs at the back of her neck. “I should’ve called.”

The tightness in Sasha’s lips returns before she nods quickly. “Yeah, you should’ve…”

Becky is left to sigh quietly as Sasha heads off in the direction of their bedroom. She stares at the vacant spot for a moment before she opts to follow, all the while feeling the heaviness from the weight of her day and then some. She lingers by the doorway for a moment as she watches Sasha move around the room collecting and organizing the mass amount of papers that have been scattered every which way. It’s definitely not a sight she’s unfamiliar with.

“Are you mad?” She asks as she carefully moves further into the room.

Sasha’s movements pause and she’s left staring down at the files in her hands. She worries her bottom lip for a good moment before she’s shaking her head. “No, I’m not mad. I was just…worried, really.”

Setting her bag down, Becky moves in behind her wife before taking her in her arms. “M’sorry…” she mumbles lowly while pressing a kiss into Sasha’s shoulder. “I really did mean to call, and I should’ve. I really should’ve. Did Skye go down okay?”

“Think the storm might’ve scared her awake. That’s how I ended up in there,” Sasha hums as her eyes fall shut to the hands that have now moved to massage her shoulders. For a moment she allows herself just _be_. For just a _second_ , she feels like she’s allowed to relax and stop her mind from worrying about things that often ten to be three steps ahead and five steps back.

“Baby I’m sorry…”

Sasha doesn’t even realize that they’ve shifted until she feels Becky’s forehead pressed against her own and she opens her eyes only to be met with an apologetic hazel gaze. She keeps her hand firm as she reaches up and cups Becky’s face while gently stroking her cheek with her thumb. For a split second, her gaze drops but she manages an almost fleeting smile when she looks up once again.

She angles her head up just enough to place a chaste kiss against Becky’s lips. “I’m just glad I got to see you tonight.”

Becky winces and hesitates for a moment before she’s taking a deep breath. “Sash, this…this isn’t gonna be a normal thing.”

“Seems like it’s been a normal thing…” Huffing quietly, Sasha takes a few steps back to put a respectable distance between the two of them. She shakes her head before opting to move around the room to properly get ready for bed. For the longest of times, she doesn’t say anything else. She simply moves about reorganizing her paperwork and shoving it into her briefcase before moving on to pull out her pajamas. When she looks up again, she finds that Becky hasn’t much moved but is instead rooting to the same spot across the room. “What Becky?”

“Nothing, I—” Becky cuts herself off as her voice catches. “Sash, I know right now it seems like that, but it won’t be. Once I get this promotion, I’ll—”

“You’ll what?” Sasha cuts her off, looking up with a newfound heat in her eyes. “It’ll just be different after that?”

“It will! I’ll have more time and more flexibility in my schedule. Look, I promise it’s not always gonna be like this. I promise.”

When Sasha scoffs it comes out a little more bitter than even she intended it to while she’s left shaking her head. “How can you promise that when we aren’t even there yet? You’re charging ahead to take on even more responsibility and you’re making promises when you don’t even have the base to stand on?”

Huffing, Becky tilts her head back in a bout of frustration. “Sasha, I just need you to trust me. I know how to handle it.”

“Do you?”

“I do! I just…Baby, I really just need you to trust me.”

When Sasha falls silent again, Becky takes this as the opportunity to move across the room before pulling her into an embrace once again. “Do you trust me?”

“I…” Sasha’s voice catches and she nods her affirmation before she manages to find her voice to speak again. “I trust you. Listen I don’t want to fight, tonight. Can we maybe just…get ready for bed?”

“I-yeah, yeah we can do that,” when Sasha moves towards their bathroom, Becky reaches out and grabs her hand. “Hey. I love you.”

Smiling lightly, Sasha moves in closer and places a much firmer and weighted kiss to Becky’s lips. “I love you too…” she whispers against her lips before heading off towards the bathroom.

As the door closes, Becky takes a seat on the very edge of the bed. She drags a tired hand through her hair as an exhausted sigh escapes her. As she glances up towards the closed bathroom door, her sigh morphs into a tired groan as the weight of her day settles heavily on her shoulders.

******

* * *

“God bless America and it’s many paid holidays.”

“You’re just saying that so you can rationalize drinking on a Sunday.”

“Your point?”

Sasha rolls her eyes and leans forward towards her coffee table to top off her wineglass. When she sits back against the sofa, a content hum slips past her lips upon tasting the rich liquid. “You know what, you’re right.”

Charlotte scoffs and flips her hair. “Of course, I’m me. I’m always right.”

“Well…”

“I am. You know I am. Name something I’ve been wrong about.”

Sasha snorts and raises an eyebrow. “How much time do you have?” she sasses back before taking a long sip of her wine. For a moment, her nails tap against the side of the glass while she appears to ponder deep in thought. Eventually a mischievous grin splits her features as she turns to look at Charlotte head on. “Remember our freshman year and we both thought it would be this super amazing idea to dye my hair?”

Charlotte’s eyes widen momentarily before she barks out a laugh. “Oh my god, wait. I’ll never forget this. It was three in the morning and we were on our second bottle of what was it…”

“It was Grey Goose. We spent like fifty dollars on that shit and we weren’t about to waste it either, but I distinctly remember us, or more so, _you_ , thinking you were a professional beautician after we found the cheapest box of pink hair dye somewhere in your room

“In fairness, I was so drunk that night I probably honestly thought I was a professional beautician. If anyone had asked me at the time, I _absolutely_ knew what I was doing.”

Sasha snorts and shakes her head, laughing openly as she recalls the memory. “I looked like one of those Troll dolls! And I had a speech to give the Monday after!”

“At least your speech was memorable!” Charlotte cackles while recalling the hangover and utter shock they had both been forced to endure the following day. Taking another sip from her glass, she quickly perks up again. “Wait, wait, remember how shitty the cell service was in our dorm? And that time you got up at midnight to make a phone call—”

“And I left my fucking key upstairs,” Sasha lets her head thump against the back of the couch as she groans loudly. “I was supposed to have a date that night and I got stood up! I couldn’t sleep and I needed answers!”

“Answers you apparently needed at 12AM in the middle of winter.”

“It was like fifteen degrees and you weren’t answering! I was out there for two hours before anyone even walked into the building!”

“Well I didn’t tell you to leave your key!” Charlotte turns up her nose. “Besides, who took care of you for the next two weeks when you had that cold?”

“You mean when I had pneumonia!?”

“Same thing. I still took care of you. Best nurse ever.”

There’s a small silence between the two of them before they burst into laughter once again. Sasha finds herself laughing so hard her sides hurt and eventually she’s left to reach up and wipe a few stray tears from her eyes. When their joint laughter begins to die down, Sasha looks up to find Charlotte grinning and watching her closely.

“Why’re you looking at me like that?”

Charlotte angles her head. “Like what?”

“Like that. You’ve got your ‘mom’ smile going on,” Sasha gestures before taking another sip of her wine.

Charlotte rolls her eyes and shakes her head. “First of all, I don’t have a ‘mom smile’. You made that up. Second…I don’t know. It’s just nice to see you laughing again. It’s been a while since I’ve seen you smile like this and I know most times you try to feed me that ‘I’m just tired’ line, but we both know that’s bullshit.”

Sasha bites her bottom lip and for a moment she gets lost in the deep red liquid in her glass. She once again begins to repeatedly tap the sides of the glass, creating small rippling waves on the inside. She hadn’t even realized that this was perhaps the most relaxed she’s felt in…well, she can’t exactly pinpoint how long it’s been since she’s been so relaxed.

“Most times I feel like it’s a lot of work…” even though her voice trails off, her mind doesn’t. _‘What’s a lot of work? Smiling? Trying to be happy? Wanting to move forward? Pretending I have?’_

Even though she so badly wants to ask, she doesn’t. Instead, Charlotte only hums into her wineglass. “You’ve got too much weight on you…”

Sasha scoffs. “Wow Char. Way to make a girl feel confident about her looks.” 

Charlotte rolls her eyes so hard the action nearly hurts. “Shut up, you know what I meant.”

“No, I know. I’m divorced. I have a daughter. It’s not a surprise that things in my life aren’t exactly light right now.”

“I’m not saying they’re supposed to be any other way right now, I just think you need to take a step back and evaluate you for _you_. Maybe take some vacation time. I can keep Skye for a little bit and you can just have some time to focus on you.”

Pausing, Charlotte then brings her glass to her lips, largely concealing her next set of words. “Maybe help you figure out how to put your foot down with Becky.”

Sasha winces and she’s unsurprised by the venom faintly laced in her best friend’s words. Something she’s been all to familiar with for a while, but especially as of lately with everything that has and is continuing to go on. “I’m trying Char…”

“I know you are. You’ve been seeing someone right? How’s that going?”

Sasha winces once again. “Not exactly seeing someone. I’ve had someone over once…maybe twice, but it hasn’t really been anything. I really don’t think I’m ready.”

“And you don’t have to be, not for that, but…honey you can’t just sit here angry and stressed all the time. You’ve gotta start looking for things that make you happy too.”

“I’m trying! I want to! But just with everything and with work and with Skye, it’s…fuck Char, it’s tough.

“I know, and you know I’ll do everything I can to help you, right?”

“Thanks I know I—” Sasha is cut off by the doorbell sounding a few times. She glances at the time on her phone before setting her glance down to head towards the door. Looking through the peephole, she smiles and swings the door open. Immediately her eyes fall on Skye who is poised and ready to ring the doorbell rapidly once more. “Can I help you?”

Skye pouts and huffs. “I like ringing it,” she mumbles. She peers past Sasha into the house and immediately her eyes light up. “Aunt Charlie!”

Sasha playfully rolls her eyes as she watches Skye squeal, drop all of her belongings, and take a running leap towards the woman on the couch. For a moment she watches the exchange with fondness before a soft clearing of a throat reminds her why she still has her front door open. Turning around, she finds Becky still awkwardly lingering up on the porch.

“You’re early,” Sasha points out, not knowing what else to say.

“Heh, yeah. Better than the alternative I guess,” Becky laughs awkwardly before lifting the backpack and shopping bags she’s carrying in both hands. “Is it okay if I bring these inside?”

Becky releases a breath she hadn’t even realized she had been holding when Sasha eventually nods and moves to the side to let her in. She sets the bags down on the inside of the living room. “Thanks.”

“What is all this?” Sasha asks, motioning to all the bags.

“Oh! We ah, kinda had a busy weekend. We went to the mall and I let her pick out some stuff she wanted,” Becky’s gaze shifts across the room to the couch where Skye appears to be attempting to wrestle Charlotte into a headlock. The second their eyes meet though, Becky feels like the room drops about fifty degrees and she’s left snapping her gaze towards the ground. 

“Hey Charlotte.”

Charlotte’s gaze only seems to harden. “Hi.” her tone is flat, but Sasha sends over a glare of her own and subtle shakes her head. Rolling her eyes, Charlotte clears her throat and rises from the couch, taking note of the small girl who is still practically hanging from her shoulders. “How about you and I take some of your stuff upstairs and you can tell me all about your weekend, huh?”

Skye nods quickly. “Yeah! We had so much fun! I even got to build a teddy and she has glasses just like Mommy!”

“Does she have your mom’s angry eyes??? Oh this I gotta see.”

Becky can only look on as the two disappear up the stairs while bickering back and forth. Her gaze shifts down to Sasha who is also watching with a small fond smile tugging at the corner of her lips. Becky feels herself needing to swallow thickly as she shoves her hands into her pockets.

“I wanted to say thank you, again…for letting her spend the weekend with me,” she pauses to clear her throat. “After my fuck up you didn’t have to, but you did and I just…I really appreciate it.”

Sasha inhales quietly while nodding her head. “It wouldn’t have been fair to her if I did that. She was a little hurt at first, but she really does love spending that time with you. Sometimes it’s all she can talk about is the weekend.”

Becky smiles but it doesn’t stay for very long. “Weekends I don’t find a way to screw things up, right?” she shifts and once again clears her throat. “I should apologize for some of the stuff I said yesterday.”

“Don’t. It’s fine. I shouldn’t have come at you like that…”

“But you should’ve because I…I messed up. Sasha I’ve messed up _a lot_ , you of all people would know that and I just,” Becky interrupts herself to take a much needed deep breath. “I never got to properly…I want to make up for that. Anyway I can, _if_ I can. I just really miss Skye and I miss you and I-I,” Becky finds herself losing her own train of thought as she realizes what she’s just said. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have…”

Sasha quickly shakes her head. “No, it’s okay. Um…” she pauses and glances towards the stairs. “Maybe right here isn’t the best place to talk about this.”

Becky blinks owlishly. “Where is?”

Sasha pauses as if trying to work something out in her mind. It’s like she’s suddenly finding herself having about ten thousand questions and all of them have about ten thousand answers each.

_‘Figure out how to put your foot down with Becky.’_

Sasha knows that she has decisions she needs to make. Important once. Important ones that will impact not only her life but the life of the ones closest to her. The life of the ones she loves and holds dear. Decisions that she knows will ultimately be final once she makes them. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you guys again. Thoughts always welcome.


	5. Chapter 5

******

Becky huffs irritably as her fingers fumble for what feels like the hundredth time. Her gaze snaps away from the reflection in the mirror down to the offending article of clothing that seems to have nothing more to do than set out and embarrass her. Well, so far it’s achieving its goal because she has absolutely no idea how long she’s been at war with it. So far, it’s done absolutely nothing but make a fool of her.

“Goddamn it...” she hisses in irritation as her hands eventually fall limply at her sides while the collar of her shirt remains upward and the aforementioned tie from hell hangs loosely and untied from around her neck.

Sighing again, Becky’s gaze refocuses on herself in the mirror as the corners of her lips tug downward. It’s a look she’s become rather familiar with and for reasons even unbeknownst herself, she’s annoyed. Every time she locks gazes with her reflection, she finds herself longing to reach inside the parallel world in search for something she doesn’t even know she’s looking for. Verbalizing it doesn’t seem to make much sense and even Becky knows that’s why she’s opted to keep such words locked away.

“Babe, are you about ready to go?”

The click of heels on tile transitions to padded staccato thumps against the carpet of their bedroom. Still standing in front of the mirror, Becky finds herself joined as her wife appears behind her. Their gazes meet and Becky only finds herself halfway shrugging her shoulders.

An amused smile tugs at the corner of Sasha’s lips as she steps in front of her wife and looks her up and down. “This doesn’t exactly look like you’re ready to go.”

Becky laughs lightly before ducking her head. “I know, I’m sorry. I was kinda having a little bit of trouble,” she mumbles as a light dusting of pink appears at her cheeks.

“I can see that,” she steps closer into Becky’s arms and places her hands on her shoulders. She tilts her head before grasping the tie between her fingers and sliding it from around Becky’s neck. She holds it in her grasp for a moment before she’s looking back at Becky and shaking her head. “I don’t think you need this.”

Becky’s eyebrows raise. “I thought you said it was a formal kinda thing...”

“I mean kind of, but you don’t have to wear a tie,” Sasha carelessly tosses the tie to the side before she’s reaching up to smooth out Becky’s collar. She hums quietly to herself and carefully undoes the top two buttons of her shirt before she’s grinning and nodding with finality. “It’s not that kinda party. Just this and your jacket will be just fine. You’re very handsome regardless.”

Becky rolls her eyes and takes a moment to look between the two of them. Her breath hitches as she takes in the dark blue satin dress that covers her wife’s body. It hugs her figure tightly while casting a faint shimmer in the lighting. The neckline is teasing enough just to be shy of dangerous and she swears that the slit in the flowing skirt is a warcrime somewhere. It’s almost enough to have Becky asking if they can just throw caution to the wind, skip the party, and stay home to get closely acquainted under the sheets.

She finds herself broken out of her teenage boy reverie when there’s a tap underneath her chin and she finds her gaze lifted. When she looks up again she finds Sasha watching her rather smugly with a glint in her eye. A glint that nearly breaks Becky’s entire resolve.

“My eyes are up here.”

“Who said I’m interested in looking at your eyes?”

Sasha scoffs and gives Becky a swat to the shoulder before she’s crossing the room to retrieve the black suit jacket that’s carefully folded over the edge of the bed. She picks it up before carrying it over to where Becky’s still unapologetically checking her out. She shakes her head before tossing the jacket into Becky’s chest. “You’re so gross.”

Becky just barely matches to get a hold on her jacket as she shrugs her shoulders. “Can’t help it. When your wife looks this good...it just does things to a gal.”

“Now you’re just trying to flatter me for no reason,” Sasha shakes her head as she moves to check herself out in the mirror. “I’m surprised I was even able to get this to fit. Literally nothing has fit right since the baby weight.”

Shaking her head, Becky carefully wraps her arms around Sasha from behind before resting her chin on her shoulder. For a moment, she finds that this is the most relaxed she’s probably felt all day.

“Yeah, the baby weight that’s nonexistent on you at this point,” she clicks her tongue. “Sash, you’re literally tiny.”

“You’re just saying that because you have to.”

“No, I’m saying it because it’s true. Although, your boobs did get kinda bigger and I’m not really complaining about that.”

Sasha squeaks when hands suddenly come up to squeeze her breasts and she’s left trying to wiggle away but Becky clutches her tightly and spins her around again. Careful to be mindful of her own makeup, Sasha lifts her chin just a little to place a meaningful and warm kiss against Becky’s lips. She hums into the kiss when the hands that had loosely been wrapped around her waist come around to firmly hold her hips.

“You know,” Becky mumbles into the kiss. “We’ve got a sitter for Skye. We have the evening to ourselves. Really I can think of better things to do than spend it with your coworkers.”

“Perhaps, but...I’ve already said I’d be there. So we’re going.”

When there’s one last kiss placed to her lips and Sasha quickly moves away, Becky sighs heavily. She manages to keep her grin in place and her hands steady as Sasha takes her hands and eventually leads her out of their bedroom.

* * *

Her hand is wrapped so tightly around the champagne flute it’s probably seconds away from chattering right there in her grasp. The veins in her right hand are popping out almost painfully while her left hand is tucked deeply into the pocket of her slacks. Occasionally, she finds herself shifting from foot to foot as her feeling of restlessness doesn’t seem to want to evaporate for even a fraction of a second.

For the most part, Becky has found herself held up in a corner that’s well out of the way, but still provides her enough vantage to see the entirety of the room. She’s spent the better part of the evening taking periodic sips from her glass while she watches her wife bounce between varying groups of individuals. Every now and then she’ll find herself smiling and nodding as Sasha will prance up to her to drag her over to one of the groups. They’ll all make pleasantries; Becky will smile and nod as conversation flows into realms unbeknownst to her. Then she’ll politely excuse herself from the conversation only for the cycle to rinse and repeat.

If Sasha has noticed anything, she hasn’t said it and for that Becky is pretty thankful. The last thing she wants is to ruin what could be considered to be a pretty nice evening even if she’s having a mediocre time herself. So far, she’s been fairly comfortable with staying out of the way and the less eyes on her the better.

It’s not the crowd that’s throwing her off. She’s dealt with crowds plenty in her lifetime. Hell, the academy was one big crowd and the get-togethers and parties she’s been to in her time turn out to be a little more rambunctious than this, but perhaps that’s where lies the source of the problem. Becky recognizes a few familiar faces from the times she’s been to Sasha’s office, but the vibe...the energy here all just seems different. It’s a foreign feeling she’s not used to and she can’t exactly say it’s left a good lasting impression.

“Hey.”

Becky finds herself blinking out of her own daydream to find herself in another one of those moments where Sasha has wandered over to perhaps lure her out of the corner. She risks a quick glance down at her watch and takes note that this interval is much quicker than the last. When she looks up again, she finds Sasha watching her closely with her eyebrows furrowed together in worry.

“Hi,” Becky smiles back even though she does feel that it’s a bit forced.

Sasha’s eyes have narrowed slightly as she studies her eyes even closer than before. “Is everything okay? You’ve been over here a while.”

For a moment, Becky feels herself internally panic, but she immediately extinguishes it and manages to keep a calm outward demeanor, at least for the time being. “Yeah, yeah I’m good. Just, taking in the room I guess.”

“Taking in the room?” Sasha echoes while slightly angling her head to the side. “We’ve been here for about an hour. Not to mention, it’s a room full of attorneys,” she pauses to laugh lightly. “I can’t imagine that there’s really anything you’d be looking for.”

“Well, ah, I mean. You never know I guess.”

Sasha hums as she doesn’t seem convinced. She glances over her shoulder before grabbing Becky’s hand and dragging her further off to the side. “Hey…do you want to leave? You’re obviously uncomfortable and we don’t have to stay.”

This is exactly what she didn’t want to happen. It had been clear since they arrived that Sasha had been actually having a good time as she interacted with pretty much everyone at the party. Becky had tried her best to keep up, but she found herself getting overwhelmed on occasion and she knew she needed to take a few steps back to recollect because she didn’t want to ruin Sasha’s good time. Seems like she still somehow managed to do that anyway.

“We don’t have to leave. I’m having a good time. I promise. I’ll be over in a sec. I just…needed a minute.”

Sasha wants to argue. She so badly wants to argue, but instead she only nods her head. She leans up just enough to gently peck Becky’s cheek. She gives her hand a soft squeeze while sending her a knowing look before she’s heading back over to her small little group.

Becky swallows thickly and shuffles her feet a little. When she looks up, she finds that Sasha has effortlessly merged herself back into the group while she laughs vibrantly with everyone else. Taking several deep breaths to ease her nerves, Becky nods to herself before slowly making her way over.

******

* * *

Her thumb absently traces over the two rings currently in the palm of her hand. One is a simple polished gold band, while the other is actually two separate pieces; a single cut diamond nestled in the center surrounded by tinier jewels marched together with a thin band of matching diamonds. The ridges from the jewels almost feel rough underneath her fingers as she continues to trace over the two pieces of jewelry.

A bottle is suddenly set down in front of her and she’s soon closing the rings in her fist before she’s tucking the silver chain they hang from back into the inside of her shirt. She smiles a tired thanks to her best friend before pulling the beer closer to her and taking a long gulp before setting it back down on the table. She sighs quietly as she hadn’t even realized how much she needed that.

“Guess we might have to start another round sooner rather than later with how that’s going,” Bayley laughs quietly while nodding at the glass. When Becky doesn’t seem to initially react, she sighs openly. It’s been like this since they’ve left work, much less even arrived at the bar. “Becks, talk to me. What’s going on?” when Becky goes to open her mouth, she’s quick to interrupt. “And don’t lie. Just…spare both of us the ‘nothing, it’s fine’ bullshit.”

Becky actually laughs openly even though its curt and quick. She begins to absently peel the label off the bottle while watching the condensation drip down the neck. “Things have been kinda tense lately I guess.”

“Stuff with Skye?”

“Stuff with Sasha which…is actually one in the same as stuff with Skye.”

Bayley hums quietly while taking a thoughtful sip of her own beer. Her fingers quickly dance against the sides of the bottle as she appears to be in thought for a moment. Eventually, she’s left shaking her head while blowing out a quick puff of air. “Damn, dude. Anything I can do? I mean, I know physically there’s not much I can do, but I’m definitely right here if you want to talk about it.”

Becky hesitates for a moment before she’s groaning quietly and dropping her head into her hands. “Seems like each time I think I’m doing something right I turn around and manage to fuck things up,” she slowly shakes her head. “She’s been mulling over the idea of just giving me holidays and birthdays…supervised.”

Bayley’s eyes widen and her mouth falls open. “Becky…I…shit, I’m so sorry,” she slowly shakes her head. “Can…can she do that?”

“She can. She has full custody of Skye and…she can do that.”

“I mean, you don’t have to take it though, right? You can still fight her on it.”

Raking her fingers through her hair, Becky laughs bitterly before tightly gripping at her roots. “You honestly think I’m gonna win anything against one of the best lawyers in the damn state? She shredded me in court the first time and I’m pretty sure her attorney was the one taking legal advice from _her_!” she shakes her head. “Especially not with how much of a fuck up I am. You know I forgot to pick Skye up from school?”

Bayley winces at the otherwise rhetorical question. “Yeah, I remember you told me…but hey, what we do is stressful. I’m not saying that’s any kind of an excuse or anything, but Sasha should know that mistakes are gonna happen. It’s not like you did it on purpose.”

“Bay, it doesn’t matter! It matters that it happened and…Sasha just doesn’t trust me anymore,” Becky pauses to tightly grip her beer bottle as she brings it to her lips once again. She all but roughly places it back down on the table before she’s once again laughing mirthlessly. “Then I go and do something stupid like tell her I miss her and if things weren’t weird and tense before they certainly are now. One more thing I managed to fuck up.”

Whistling quietly, Bayley only nods her head for a moment. She remembers when this had all first started. Becky showing up on her doorstep one evening looking lost and broken as she asked if she could stay for a bit. That same lost and broken look translating to her overall demeanor as she sat and explained everything that was going on. Asking if she could stay just long enough for her to find a new place. Bayley had sat and watched and wondered if it would ever get better and over those couple of years she can pretty much say it hasn’t exactly gotten better per say, but just…something that Becky has learned how to live with.

At least so she thought.

“When you said it did you mean it?” Bayley treads carefully after a moment of thoughtful silence.

For a moment, Becky doesn’t speak. She only continues to stare absently forward before nodding her head. “Yeah…I mean, I definitely shouldn’t have said it but…” she remembers the rings sitting on a chain around her neck. “I don’t know. You’ve had an ex-something before right? It’s normal to miss them.”

“Yeah, but she wasn’t my wife and we don’t have kids,” Bayley shakes her head. “I guess the best piece of advice I can offer is work stuff out in your head before you try to talk to her. We both know Sasha pretty well and...well…I’m not even gonna sugarcoat it for you, that conversation has the potential to go really bad really fast. I just...don’t want things to end up worse for you, I guess.”

“No, yeah, I know. I don’t want that either. I guess I just can’t help but think about how I want us to be a family again and how I want her to…” she trails off and nervously chews her lower lip. “I can do it Bay, I know I can. Before things got blurry and I got scared and I…” she shakes her head quickly. “I want to be able to do it right this time.”

It’s a conversation she’s had with herself on and off for several months now, this is just the first time she’s actually spoken it into existence. For so long she’s sat and told herself that she can be better. That she _needs_ to be better. Anything less than better would be unfair to Skye…it would be unfair to Sasha.

Bayley takes a moment to examine her friend before she’s nodding with finality. “You and I have been friends for a long time, so you know I’ve got your back whatever you decide to do. Every step of the way, no matter what. Just…please be careful, okay? Not ‘cause of anything you might do, but…this was kinda messy the first time, Becks and…Skye’s a good kid who doesn’t need to see the two people she loves most in this world badly hurt a second time.”

“I don’t want to lose her, Bay…” Becky’s voice has gone so quiet that the words spoken are nearly missed. Her eyes have become red and glassy as she focuses intently on the wood of their table. “I have to show her that I can do it and…I have to try.”


	6. Chapter 6

******

“She’s beautiful…”

Becky is surprised by the whispered words. She looks away from the tiny bundle sleeping to meet her wife’s tired eyes. She hadn’t even realized how long she must have been sitting here and she also hadn’t even picked up on the fact that Sasha was now awake. This is probably the first time they’ve actually had the quiet and alone time to speak to one another properly.

“Yeah…” Becky murmurs back before looking back down at their newborn daughter. “She’s really something, isn’t she? Just like her Mom.”

Sasha snorts quietly, but even that comes off as tired as she rolls her eyes while shuffling closer to Becky in the bed. “Stop it. _Especially_ not with how I must look right now,” she yawns quietly before resting her head on Becky’s shoulder.

Becky chuckles quietly and watches as Sasha reaches over and gently strokes the side of the baby’s cheek. “Well, whether you want to accept it or not, you’re still beautiful. That’s not gonna change,” she pauses and reaches a hand up to gently brush some of the unruly strands of Sasha’s hair down. “Messy hair and all. You’re still the most beautiful woman in the world.”

“Hmm, maybe. You know, flattery will always get you everywhere,” Sasha mumbles while lifting her head just enough to place a gentle, but lingering kiss to Becky’s lips. The kiss could go on a bit longer, but she finds herself unable to hold back a yawn.

“Baby, I think you should probably get some rest. You absolutely more than deserve it,” Becky tries to interject.

“’M Fine…” Sasha mumbles and she is once again interrupted by another deep yawn. She sighs quietly and falls even laxer into Becky’s side. “I just wanna look at her a little bit longer. She’s so pretty…”

Becky can only nod while gazing at their daughter. “I can already tell she’s gonna have your worry crease right about here,” she mutters jokingly while gently brushing the center of the baby’s forehead.

“Stop it. I do not have a crease.”

“Oh, you absolutely have a crease. You’re wearing it right now.”

“Am not!”

“Nope. I’m not gonna argue with a lawyer. Even though I know I’m right.”

Sasha rolls her eyes heavily and gives Becky a pinch in the side. When she looks down again, she gasps quietly. “Becky, look.”

Becky nods again, following Sasha’s eyes to where the baby is still asleep but she’s subconsciously reached out and grabbed onto Becky’s finger. The hold is tiny and light, but definitely noticeable to the two women stretched across the hospital bed. For a moment, Becky feels her throat going a little dry.

“I think she’s already decided she likes you,” Sasha mumbles, her voice having become much drowsier than it had been only minutes prior.

“Well, she better. Seems like that me and her are gonna be kinda stuck with each other for a long time.”

When there’s no immediate response, but even breathing, Becky knows that Sasha has once again succumbed to her exhaustion. As she should have. Becky hadn’t been joking when she said that Sasha more than deserved the rest, and she can only thank the forces of nature for luring her stubborn wife back into the arms of Morpheus.

She has no idea how long it’s been seeing as she’s lost track quite some time ago but judging by the light orange glow being cast into the room, she knows that it’s been a while. Occasionally, the silence in the room is broken by a soft snore coming from the bed that will draw her attention. She’ll look up and smile tiredly for a brief moment before she turns her attention back to her own quiet pacing.

“Seems like you’ve tired her out, huh?” Becky laughs quietly to the tiny sleeping bundle in her arms. There’s a swelling in her chest when she’s rewarded with a tiny yawn in response.

It had been an exhausting forty eight hours. Forty eight hours of high anxiety, rushing around, crying, and several occasions where Becky had felt like she was only a second away from passing out. Thirty six of those hours Sasha had spent in labor giving birth to what Becky has found to be the brightest light of their lives.

Skye Jane Lynch. Born at a healthy six and a half pounds only just a week before her expected due date, Skye had made her grand debut to the world making her parents two of the happiest, and most exhausted, individuals currently walking the planet. They wouldn’t change any of it though. It’s all been apart of the journey.

“You know what they say about babies, right?” Becky chuckles lowly at her own question. “Course you wouldn’t know what they say. Not yet anyway. Heh, guess you don’t know what anybody says.”

As Skye yawns and begins to squirm a bit, Becky continues talking.

“We’ve been really excited to meet you, you know that? Gosh, it was like…the closer we got the longer days seemed to get. It seemed like that for me at least. Heh, it probably seemed like that for your Mom too more than anything. I think she was getting tired of me bringing home the wrong flavor of ice cream at three in the morning. Or something else like that.”

Becky pauses her pacing and from she’s gently bouncing Skye in her arms to where she’s now gazing at Sasha who’s sleeping soundly. Even through such a deep sleep, Becky can see the extent of the exhaustion worn on the face of her wife. It eases her mind to know that after everything that Sasha now finally has a moment to rest. She needs it.

“Can I let you in on a little secret?” Becky whispers while turning to look back down at Skye. “I’m…pretty scared right now. Not of you. Well, maybe a little bit because I have a feeling you might grow up like your Mom and she can be a bit scary sometimes, haha. But I guess…I’m a little scared for myself? I’m your Mama now, and I guess…that’s not something I ever thought was gonna happen. But I’m glad it did. I’m so glad it did because now we’ve got you and…you’re really gonna be something when you grow up. I know you are. Gosh, I can’t wait for you to be old enough to understand how proud I am, because I a am already. You and your Mom? You two are the best things that have ever happened to me and I’m gonna make a promise to you right now and early. I promise I’m gonna make sure you know how much I’ll always love you, okay? You’re never gonna have to doubt that.”

“Staking your claim as the favorite parent kinda early, aren’t we?”

Becky looks up and rolls her eyes to find Sasha once again lying awake in the bed. Her grin is playful even as she shakes her head in disapproval. “You’re so stubborn even in your sleep.”

Sasha clicks her tongue. “We’re married, you know this already,” she shakes her head before lifting her arms a bit. “C’mere. I wanna hold her…and I want you to hold me.”

“Yes Ma’am,” Becky chuckles before making her way back over to the bed where she gently rests Skye in Sasha’s arms. She returns to her position in the bed and gets comfortable against the pillows before she’s pulling Sasha into an embrace where she can watch over her and the baby. It’s not long before Sasha falls asleep once again and Becky isn’t too far behind her.

******

* * *

“Okay, so her bedtime is at 9:00, but most nights she ends up actually falling asleep around 9:30 or 10:00...”

“Sash...”

“And she’s allergic to bananas. I don’t keep any in the house, but it’s something to remember just in case...”

“Sasha...”

“She doesn’t have school this week because they’re on break so there’s really no need for her to be up early, but usually I try not to let her sleep in past 11:00...”

“Sasha!”

Sasha jumps at the sudden explanation of her name. She looks up to find Charlotte standing up from her spot with her hands on her hips. Blinking owlishly, she eventually angles her head in response. “Yeah?”

Charlotte laughs quietly while shaking her head. “Honey you need to relax. I totally understand that you’re nervous, but Skye is gonna be fine. We’ll have a great time.”

Sighing, Sasha ducks her head a little, feeling just a tiny bit embarrassed at her own amounts of overreaction. “I know, I’m sorry I just,” she pauses to take a deep breath before laughing nervously. “I’m just a little on edge, you know?”

“I know, and that’s totally okay,” Charlotte crosses the room and gently rests her hands on her best friend’s shoulders. She waits for Sasha to look up at her before she smiles easily. “I know Skye isn’t the only reason that you’re so nervous. Do you wanna talk about it?”

“I don’t know...” Sasha steps away slightly as she feels her cheeks begin to warm. “I’ve never been fishing before.”

“It’s about...fishing?”

“Yes, kind of? I mean! It’s not about the fishing specially, but...you don’t think it’s too soon is it? To be going away together?”

Charlotte raises an eyebrow in interest. “Does it feel like it’s too soon? I know you said you’ve been seeing each other for a bit now and so...maybe this will help kind of tilt the tides a little bit?”

“I guess...she’s already met Skye and they seem to get along pretty well for the most part...”

“So see? That’s already a plus. You can use this trip to get an idea on where stuff stands while also getting to know each other a little bit better.”

Sasha seems to mull this over in her mind for a moment. The look in her face is one of usual calculation as if she’s revisiting a thought she’s had for some time now. Her eyes flit back and forth before she nods in what looks like finality and satisfaction.

“You’re right. I honestly really think I need this. You know how things have been picking up at work and I’ve only just now managed to clear out my caseload for the time being,” she pauses to sigh heavily and for a split second, she almost looks incredibly sad as she glances towards the stairs. The look is soon gone, but not before it was already picked up on. Sasha ducks her head again when she catches Charlotte’s gaze. “I’m worried about her.”

Lifting her eyebrows slowly, Charlotte glances towards the stairs as well before looking back to Sasha. “Is everything okay? She seemed fine when I got here.”

“No yeah, it...it’s something that’s definitely coming and going. She’s just had a bit of an attitude lately. Being a little more snarky than usual. Her teacher called me last week because she had been acting out in class,” Sasha frowns a little. “I know it’s all apart of growing up and that’s what kids do, you know? Just for Skye...I don’t know. It’s all been a little odd.”

Odd is probably a bit of an understatement. Sasha has always been pretty in tune with her daughter’s moods and overall demeanor. Lately things have just tended to shift. There’s almost a tension that seems to come and go at random and despite having asked on multiple occasions Sasha’s having a hard time pinpointing what it is. It actually frustrates her that she doesn’t know.

Charlotte hums quietly. “Do you know about when it started?”

“Not really? Like I said, it definitely comes and goes, more so lately than anything else. She got grounded last week because she told me to shut up,” Sasha rolls her eyes and shakes her head, glaring when Charlotte snorts and quickly tries to cover her laugh with a cough. “I don’t know what’s gotten into her.”

There’s a brief moment of silence where Charlotte is left narrowing her eyes. Her mouth opens quickly as she appears to have a response, but nothing ever comes as she decides against anything she might have thought about saying. Instead, she shrugs seemingly nonchalantly and changes the subject. “Well I’ll let you know if I notice anything different. Like you said, she’s just growing up. Kids are...kids, Sash. Nothing you can really do about that. Just try to focus on relaxing.”

Sasha takes a deep breath and when she exhales, her shoulders seem to lax. “I know. I think I really need this.”

“I _know_ you really need this. You’ll have a good time,” Charlotte grins smugly and winks. “Just try to make sure you enjoy yourself.”

“Stop. There won’t be any of _that_.”

“Hey! You never know. Cabin get away. Middle of nowhere. No one around to hear. Could make for some fun, uninterrupted adult entertainment.”

Sasha narrows her eyes and opens her mouth to reprimand Charlotte when there’s a knock on the door. She quickly glances between the clock, then the door, the Charlotte before she’s spinning around with widened eyes. “She’s early.”

Charlotte’s smug grin only seems to widen. “Great. You know I’ve been looking forward to meeting her.”

“Do _not_ embarrass me,” Sasha hisses was she makes her way over to the front door. She hesitates for a brief moment before she’s swinging the door open. As she does so, the small smile that was previously in place, immediately falls.

“Becky?”

“Hi,” Becky gives a half smile while shifting a bit awkwardly on the other side of the door. “Sorry, I hope I’m not bothering you or anything.”

Sasha blinks dumbly for several seconds and she realized her mouth is still slightly hanging open. “No, uh, you’re not. What’re you doing here?”

It’s then that Becky remembers the backpack she has in hand and lifts it. “Oh...Skye, left some stuff at my place this past weekend and I figured I’d bring it by. I was in the area so...”

“You were in the area...?”

“Yeah...” when Sasha reaches for the backpack, Becky‘s blatant hesitation seems to shock the both of them. “I was wondering if I could come in for a bit? Just so I can give it to her?”

Sasha casts a look over her shoulder towards her friend who is no doubt listening but trying (and failing miserably) to appear nonchalant about it. She turns her attention back to Becky before slowly shaking her head. “I’m not sure that’s a good idea.”

Becky’s eyebrows furrow together. “Please? I know it’s not my day or anything. I just wanna give it to her.”

Once again, Sasha finds herself hesitating. Her grip tightens involuntarily around the edge of the door before she’s closing her eyes and sighing quietly through her nose. “She’s upstairs in her room.”

The shock on Becky’s face is covered in favor of relief as Sasha steps back inside and opens the door a little wider. She’s gripping the backpack tightly in both hands as she steps inside and she’s immediately hit wi an unpleasant wave of deja vu to see Charlotte not even hiding her glare from the couch. She doesn’t say anything though. Instead she only nods her silent thanks to Sasha as she’s heading for the stairs.

With each ascension, the top step only appears to get further and further away. I her, it feels like hours before she’s actually able to reach the top. Her heart seizes quite a bit as she’s standing in the upper hallway, realizing that this is the farthest she’s been in this house in two years. The vice in her chest squeezes tighter as she looks around to find that not much has changed.

Her feet carry her on their own down the hall until she’s stopping in front of a familiar room. She raises her hand to knock, but pauses, smiling slightly as she listens to noises on the other side of the door. She chuckles quietly before she’s gently knocking and turning the doorknob.

When she pokes her head inside, Becky feels like she’s been smashed in the face with more familiarity. The warmth of the room. The posters and drawing on the walls. Toys neatly compiled in the corner. Her eyes fall to the girl sitting in the very center of the room with her face screwed up in concentration as she appears to be working on a rather complicated LEGO rendition of the Eiffel Tower.

“Hey Kiddo.”

Skye quickly looks up from her project with wide eyes but she’s soon smiling. “Mama???”

“Hey,” Becky says, grinning as she steps a little bit further into the room. “You forgot something of your stuff from this weekend so I figured I’d bring it to you. What’re you workin’ on?”

Skye’s concentrated look returns as she looks back down at her LEGO set. “Building the tower. This one’s kinda hard though.”

Becky chews her lip for a moment before she speaks again. “Would you like some help?”

Skye opens her mouth in what looks like surprise before she’s quickly nodding her head. She quickly shuffles over a bitch to make space as Becky joins on the floor. Reaching down, she moves some of the pieces between them using both hands. “I was looking for the next piece, but it’s been hard to find.”

Becky hums quietly while examining the pieces and the reference picture. “You’re still working on the base, so you’re looking for more than just one piece,” she does a bit of shuffling in the pile before isolating a handful of pieces. “Seems like we need to keep working with the ones that look the same until we get closer to the top.”

Skye nods and grins when the piece she’s picked up clicks into place. “Thanks,” she beams brightly.

They spend some time alternating and taking turns as to which piece goes where. Occasionally they’ll laugh when one of them places the wrong one or something does fit right. For Becky, she’s found herself watching Skye closely more than anything else and her eyebrows eventually furrow once again.

“You been doing okay?” She asks carefully.

Skye bites her bottom lip and glances down at the small brick held between her fingers. “I think so...” she responds quietly, but Becky seems largely unconvinced.

“Hey, c’mon, talk to me...” she says quietly as she gently prices the brick from Skye’s grasp. She knows she’s taking a chance, but she knows her instincts are picking up on _something_ , however small it may or may not be.

Skye’s shoulders shrug slightly. “I dunno...” she trails off before whispering quietly. “Mommy seems happy.”

Becky frowns slightly and that unpleasant feeling returns to her chest, but she doesn’t let it show. She can’t. Not right now. “That...that’s a good thing right?”

“Yeah...” Skye whispers back.

“Have the two of you got any plans for your break? You and your Mom?” Becky asks, needing to change the subject.

This time, Skye shrugs again but it’s much more prominent. “Mommy’s got a trip and I’m gonna hang out here with Aunt Charlie.”

Becky’s frown returns but this time it’s much deeper in display of her confusion. “Wait, what?”

“Yeah, she and her friend are going on a trip I think. Aunt Charlie’s gonna be here.”

Closing her mouth, Becky finds her jaw tensing involuntarily. She takes a quiet deep breath as she’s lost in that for a moment before she’s shaking her head. “Hang right, kiddo. I gotta go talk to your Mom.”

If Skye notices a change in her mother, she doesn’t say anything. Instead, she’s left shrugging while her attention is turned back to her LEGOs. For a moment, her eyes lift towards her door that’s been left slightly open before she sighing quietly to herself.

Meanwhile, descending the stares proves to be a much quicker task than ascending them. Becky finds her heart beating a little faster in her chest as her feet loudly thump against the stairs. When she gets to the bottom, she’s not the least bit surprised when she finds Charlotte and Sasha having a hushed but animated exchange.

“Sasha, can we talk for a second?”

The hushed conversation cease and Sasha looks up with her own from of confusion. “What happened?”

“Can _we_ talk?” Becky repeats before subtly gesturing between the two of them. “Just us.”

Sasha’s eyebrows lift at the implications and her gaze briefly looks between her best friend and her ex wife who have no engaged in some sort of silent stare down. “Becky I don’t think...”

“Please?”

“Okay, seriously?” Charlotte cuts in. “If she doesn’t want to talk to you she—”

Becky groans loudly and tilts her head back. “Charlotte for once in your life, can you maybe just mind your own goddamn business!?”

Charlotte’s mouth falls open. “Excuse you—“

“No! Excuse _you_! You hate me, I fucking get that! The world gets that, but right now I really need to talk to my wife so can you maybe just fuck off!?”

There’s almost an echo left behind from Becky’s loud exclamation and Sasha is left tense by how heated things have become so quickly. Her hands clinch and unclinch several times before she’s huffing loudly, a telltale sight of her own irritation.

“Char, would you excuse us...” she grumbles through clenched teeth.

Charlotte goes into a moment of shock and disbelief. She wants to question, protest, or both but once again she snaps her mouth shut. She sends one last glare towards Becky before she’s making herself scarce through the front door.

When the door closes, Sasha closes her eyes for a moment and when she’s opening them again, they’re full of fire and intensity. “You’ve got a lot of nerve showing up here unannounced and then yelling like that.”

“Yeah well, I meant it. She’s always sticking her nose where it doesn’t belong and I’m tired of it,” Becky haphazardly gestures towards the door. “Why don’t you tell me why she’s even here in the first place?”

“What business of yours is it why she’s here? This is my house, Becky. I can have whoever I want over.”

Becky snorts, almost bitterly as she shakes her head. “So she’s just here? She’s not here watching the house and Skye while you go on some trip with some stranger?” When Sasha doesn’t immediately have a response, Becky presses on while pointing upstairs. “Skye told me. She told me that you’d be gone for the week and she’ll be here with Charlotte.”

Sasha blinks in disbelief at the bitter accusation radiating off of Becky. Her own frown only deepen while she squares her jaw. “Okay? So what does any of that matter. Skye would have been here for you to pick her up this weekend when it’s your turn to—”

“I could’ve watched her! For this week! Not...” Becky huffs irritably. “I could’ve watched her.”

Sasha scoffs. “No you couldn’t have.”

“Yes I could have! I’m her mother too and if you’re going away for a fucking week you should at least think that maybe she could stay with me while you’re gone instead of automatically defaulting to Charlotte! I can do it Sasha, but you won’t let me!”

“Except you can’t! You’ve shown me time and time again that you can’t and I’m not going to sit here and take a gamble that _maybe_ you’ll actually have time for her! I won’t be just a phone call away to clean up any of your messes!”

Becky balls her fists so tight she feels the slight sting from her own nails digging on the inside of her hand. “How is it ever supposed to get better when you won’t let me? I’m trying so hard for Skye, Sasha. I’m trying so hard for _you_ because I...” she trails off, having caught the words before they could leave her mouth. “I...don’t want to just be deleted and erased.”

Sasha feels her throat tighten and her eyes begin to water against her consent. It’s frustrating. It’s infuriating. It’s been much too long and she’s spent far too much time moving on with her life to warranty any sort of reaction now. She’s stronger than that. She’s _better_ than that.

“I can’t have you hurting her the way that you hurt me,” Sasha whispers, though it holds an underlying coldness that nearly drops the overall temperature of the room. “She’s so young and I...I can’t trust you not to do that.”

Swallowing thickly, Becky risks taking a step closer. “Please let me prove it to you. I know I don’t have the right to ask, but please. Please just let me prove it. You and Skye...you’re the only family I have. I know it was my fault and I know we won’t ever be exactly where we were but Sasha I...”

Sasha knows she has to interrupt because in the very back of her mind she can see that this train has long since left the station and it already rolling and well on its way. What it’s heading towards it’s rather unknown end or beginning.

“Sasha...”

When did they get so close?

“Sasha please...”

Sasha opens her eyes to find that they’re nearly face to face. She can see the glossiness of Becky’s reddened eyes and the wetness on her cheeks. The dark circles displaying an exhaustion that Sasha knows all too well. The worry lines.

The brokenness.

She feels hands reach out and come to rest on her arms. She nearly jumps at the touch. She looks back up and is met with that same pleasing whispers.

“... _please_...”

Sasha’s breath is shuddering as she’s quick to pull away as if she’s been burned. She wraps her arms tightly around herself to prevent the oncoming shaking and she’s hitting down so hard on her bottom lip it nearly bleeds. When you’re having an internal argument with yourself over and over again, does it really make sense for you to win or lose?

Opening her eyes, Sasha is almost disgusted to feel a pair of tears rolling down her cheeks. She takes a shaky deep breath as she quickly angles herself away to wipe them. She swallows heavily before clearing her throat enough to speak.

“If I have Charlotte drop her off tomorrow morning...will you be at home?”

Becky’s eyes go wide. “I-I what?”

“If I have Charlotte drop her off tomorrow morning...” Sasha starts off forcefully before her voice drops down to a whisper. “Will you be at home?”

Becky is sure she’s doing her best impression of a lost fish with the way her mouth is repeatedly opening and closing. “I-I...yes. Yes, I’ll be home.”

Sasha nods. “Then...I’ll come by and pick her up when I get back...”

She’s so used to having to argue. Arguing and leaving empty handed with nothing more than the necessity to find something new to do or say. She’s almost afraid to blink lest everything turn out to be another dream just waiting for the cruelty of her alarm to rip her back into the real world.

“I’ll be there.”

Nodding again, Sasha keeps herself angled away, almost in a protective manner. _‘I’ll be there’_. She keeps saying the words over and over again in her mind in an attempt to cement them as truth despite everything else she’s known as fact for so long. When you’ve gotten so used to something becoming routine...how can you expect anything else?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Man...the closer I get to the end of this one...the deeper the knife feels in the chest.  
> Thoughts always welcome :3


	7. Chapter 7

******

She’s not yet conscious enough to know why she’s now awake in this exact moment. What she does know is she doesn’t need to be and she’s left doing virtually everything she can to fight herself back into the peaceful, relaxing dreamland. It’s early and she’s barely conscious, but deep in the back of her mind she knows for a fact that she doesn’t have to be a wake. Today, her off day comes as a sort of sixth sense.

Her eyes remain closed and her breathing begins to even out when she becomes just barely aware of shifting somewhere close by. Soon, she swears there’s the light tickling breath against her neck but it’s so light it could be constructed as a mere figment of her subconscious.

Only it isn’t. Not completely at least. The light breathing is soon replaced by lips gently pressing against her neck just on the underside of chin. The kisses are chaste was they are evenly spaced out, gently exploring the expanse of her skin. The action is almost soothing enough to have her lulling back to sleep.

Until said kisses transitioned to be a little more heated and exploratory. She inhaled and exhales rather quietly as those same lips move to retrace the steps of their precious journey, only this time, they’re accompanied by tongue and teeth that begin to alternate between assaulting and soothing. It’s becoming a little warmer as she realizes all attempts at sleeping are getting further and further out of arms reach.

Her breath is shuddering when there’s a sudden nip to her pulse point. Though she still doesn’t have much energy to open her eyes, she’s fully conscious and has to take another shuddering deep breath before she can bring herself to say anything.

“Sash...?”

“Hmmm?”

Becky opens her mouth to say something else, but the words are almost ripped from her when she feels a hand sneak underneath her tank top where nails lightly scratch at her abdomen. Her eyes fly open as said hand begins to move higher, leaving a trail of heat behind that could no way be mistaken for a dream. Initially, she’s met with the ceiling of her bedroom, but soon her wife’s smug face comes into view as she soon finds her hips straddled.

Instinctively, Becky’s hands come to rest on Sasha’s thighs. “You uh...had clothes on when we went to sleep, I think.”

Humming again, Sasha nods absently while moving her other hand to join its twin in lazily exploring underneath Becky’s tank top. “Mhm. I did.”

“So...what happened?”

“I got kinda hot,” Sasha shifts backwards before she leans down and purposely presses her bare chest against Becky’s abs she’s taken her time to expose. “I slept a lot more comfortable this way.”

By now, Becky’s eyes have gone a little wide. “Well, I always wanted you to uh, be comfortable...” she clears her throat when Sasha continues to shift further down the length of her body, before pausing to send her a rather sly smirk. “So...anything in particular on your agenda today?”

“Maybe. Kinda. You.”

Sasha only continues to hum nonchalantly as she angles her head down and traces her tongue along Becky’s abs. She smirks and laughs quietly as her actions draw out a nearly muted gasp. She goes just a fraction further by briefly dipping her tongue around her wife’s bellybutton before continuing her descent.

“S-Sash?” Becky is shocked even even manages to get her voice to work what with that torturous tongue teasing just above the waistband of her shorts.

“Hm?”

“C’mere.”

It takes all of a second for them to be level with one another and Becky is eager to tangle her hands into dark hair while she all but crashes their lips together. It’s wet, hot, and heavy as she allows her hands to do some exploring of their own. She reaches down and squeezes a breast, causing Sasha to gasp into their kiss. This allows Becky to momentarily gain enough leverage to flip them over to where she now has Sasha pinned and panting beneath her.

Sasha actually has the audacity to pout. “That’s not fair.”

“You waking me up like this isn’t fair,” this time, it’s Becky who has the smug grin as she leans down and presses their foreheads together. “I’m definitely not complaining though.”

Sasha doesn’t get much time to even come up with a response much less get one out as Becky connects their lips once more. This time, the kiss is much deeper than the first as she opens her mouth up just enough to allow Becky the exploration she all but demanded. A soft moan escapes her as her hands grasp tightly onto Becky’s shoulders as if the action would keep her from floating directly off of the mattress.

Becky has just traced a trail of hot kisses down to Sasha’s neck before she bites down hard enough to know she’s going to leave a mark behind. She smirks against Sasha’s skin when she’s rewarded with a soft whine in response. Just as she’s about to do it again, she feels a harsh pushing on her shoulders. At first, she thinks she imagines the action until the pushes become harder and a bit more frantic. She pulls back quickly with a friend just to notice Sasha, who has gone rather pale, looking up at her with wide eyes.

“Sasha what—” she doesn’t get to finish as Sasha is practically shoving off and scrambling from the bed.

Becky is left in a moment of confusion as she watches Sasha dash off towards their bathroom and slam the door behind her. Her friend of confusion soon contorts into a grimace as she is soon met with the rather unpleasant sounds of Sasha emptying any contents of her stomach into the toilet.

“Damn...didn’t know I had _that_ effect on women...” she laughs dryly to herself as she drags a hand through her hair. She winces again as the vomiting hasn’t seemed to taper off any as she gets closer to the bathroom door. She’s unsurprised to find it locked and she’s left knocking gently. “Babe?”

“Hold...hold on...”

Becky furrows her eyebrows and looks around the room for a moment before heading off in the direction of the closet. She grabs one of Sasha’s robes drapes it over her arm as she turns to the door and waits patiently. After about five more minutes, the toilet flushes followed by sounds of the sink running and Sasha brushing her teeth.

When the lock clicks and the door swings open, Becky immediately holds the robe open and wraps it around her wife’s body’s before she’s guiding her back towards the bed. “You okay?”

“Yeah. Just...sorry,” Sasha sighs and closes her eyes as she leans against the headboard.

Becky watches her for a moment before she’s quickly getting out of bed. “I’ll be back.”

Sasha can only nod and groan queerly. Thankfully the nausea has seemed to fade, but now her throat hurts and she has a tiny bit of a headache following the horrendous action. If anyone were to ask, she could absolutely do without violently emptying her intestines at random.

It’s some ten minutes later that Becky returns to the room with a plate of toast and glass of water in hand. She gently sets the items on the nightstand nearest Sasha before she’s crawling back into bed and pulling her wife into her arms. She smiles slightly as Sasha immediately relaxes back into her.

“I know you’ll be glad when this part is over,” she mumbles quietly while resting her chin on Sasha’s shoulder.

“This part couldn’t be over soon enough,” Sasha groans. “I feel like it’s only going downhill from here. I already feel like I’m as big as a whale.”

Becky opens her eyes and immediately frowns. “Sasha, you’re not even showing yet.”

Sasha whines and throws her head back, nearly catching Becky in the mouth. “I _know_ , but I feel like I’ve gotten bigger. I feel heavier.”

“Hormones,” Becky snorts quietly. “The same things that had you taking your clothes off in the middle of the night.”

“I didn’t hear you complaining.”

“I already told you I wasn’t.”

The two fall into a comfortable silence. Becky is holding Sasha tightly while Sasha absently plays with the hands the have come to casually rest on her stomach in an almost protective manner. The subtle action causes Sasha to smile just a bit.

“Are you excited?” Sasha asks out of nowhere.

Becky initially hums lowly as a response. “Excited. Scared outta my wits.”

This makes Sasha’s eyebrows furrow slightly. “What’re you afraid of?”

Becky chews the inside of her lip, deep in thought and contemplating for a long time before she sighs. “I dunno. I mean...this is about to be such a big change for us. I can’t wait. I’m also just...I’ve never done this before.”

Sasha snorts openly. “And I have?”

“No, no. That’s not what I meant I just...” Becky sighs heavily once again. “I guess I’m just worried about messing it all up. I know it’s too soon to be thinking about that. Way too soon.”

“Hm. It’s scary, because it’s new.”

“Yeah, I...I guess that’s it.”

Sasha shifts just enough to where she turns around and they’re now face to face. Her concerned frown only deepens when she’s met with the deeply worried look on Becky’s face. “You’re gonna be a great mom...” she murmurs quietly while gently stroking the side of Becky’s cheek.

Becky’s eyes seem to light up as a heavy blush finds her cheek and she ducks her head a little. “I wanna be. I wanna be great for you and for them.”

“Hmm. I would say you’re already great enough for me,” Sasha hums as she leans forward and places a gentle kiss to the corner of Becky’s mouth before she’s resting her head on her shoulder.

What she doesn’t see is the faint smile on Becky’s face that just doesn’t seem to stick. The crease between her eyes as her eyebrows are practically knitted together. The overall look of unease that just can’t be translated into words.

******

* * *

It’s the third day into Skye’s school break that finds the two of them spending the afternoon at the aquarium. The conclusion came after a laughable back and forth of ‘what do you wanna do today’ and the subsequent answer of ‘I dunno’. Becky chuckles to herself as she remembers how she told Skye she was going to roll and take a nap until she comes up with something fun for them to do. She also remembers how Skye had sighed loudly and made it a point to sit directly on her chest until Becky paid attention to her. She was laughing too hard at the time to remember who came up with the aquarium idea.

“Skye, try to stay where I can see you, k?” Becky calls out to Skye who is several paces ahead of her peering inquisitively into the glass archway that holds thousands of colorful marine life.

Skye makes a face but she doesn’t say anything as she slows to a stop long enough for Becky to catch up. She sticks close to Becky’s wide as she looks up above them. “Look! The jellyfishes!”

“Yeah, they’re pretty cool right?” Becky screws up her face just a bit. “They look kinda gross though. What do you think it’d feel like if we got to touch ‘em?”

“Like jelly,” Skye snorts as if it’s the most obvious thing in the world. “Do you have a favorite animal?”

Becky raises her eyebrows. “Like, in general? Or something from the sea?”

Skye huffs and puts her hands on her hips and for a split second, it unsettles Becky how much she looks like Sasha. “We’re at the aquarium, aren’t we?” Skye’s voice is laced with just a hint of sass that Becky _knows_ she didn’t get from her. There’s no way.

“Alright, bossy,” Becky makes a show of tapping her chin. “I think my favorite has gotta be the pufferfish.”

“The…pufferfish?”

“Mhmmm. The pufferfish. ‘Cause they look like this,” Becky then proceeds to puff out her cheeks while crossing her eyes. When Skye giggles but quickly slaps a hand over her mouth, she returns back to normal and frowns. “What? What’s funny?” 

Skye quickly shakes her head but is unable to suppress the giggles that keep somehow slipping past. She squeals when she suddenly finds herself lifted off her feel and directly into Becky’s arm. This time, she doesn’t try to fight it as she laughs openly right in her mother’s face.

“What? It’s funny when I do this?” Becky puffs her cheeks and crosses her eyes again. She soon finds herself blinking rapidly and raising her eyebrows when Skye’s laughter causing spit to land directly in her eyes. “Hey! Eugh…you’re gross kid.”

“No, you are!” Skye exclaims, still laughing as she reaches out and squeezes both of Becky’s cheeks together with her hands. “You’re weird.”

“So are you.”

Skye scoffs and turns up her nose in a way that is far to grown for Becky’s liking. For a seven year old at least. “Well, you’re bigger than me. So _obviously_ , you’re weird first.”

If it were possible, Becky’s eyebrows shoot up even higher. “Well now you’re just being mean.”

“I got it from you,” Skye grins before she’s wiggling enough for Becky to put her down. She sticks her tongue out at Becky before she says something about wanting to see the sharks and is taking off rather quickly.

Becky watches for a moment before shaking her head. “No,” she laughs while following in Skye’s footsteps. “You definitely got that from your Mom.”

The room housing the sharks is a lot bigger than she anticipated. It’s pretty dark for the most part, but pretty busy seeing as this is probably one of the most popular attractions in the aquarium. Becky does a quick once over of the room before she finds a bench off to the side that’s somewhat out of the way and they still have enough space to look around and take everything in.

“Hey, I’m gonna be right over there, okay?” Becky gestures over towards the small bench. “Remember what I told you?”

“Yeah, stay where you can see me,” Skye repeats with a quick nod. “Can I go look now?”

“Yeah. Yeah, go on.”

Becky stakes a seat while Skye runs off to look peer into the large glass wall only a few meters away. She sighs quietly and sits back on her hands while she gets lost in watching how happy and carefree Skye seems to be. Something it definitely took them some time getting to, but she couldn’t be happier that they’ve gotten to this point of ease.

For a moment, she gets lost in her thoughts thinking about the exchange she had with Sasha back at the house a few days ago. How there had been so many things she had wanted to say in that moment, but there was a disconnect between her mind and her brain that stopped her every single time. Thinking about it in hindsight, perhaps it was better that she didn’t say anything at all. Surely that wouldn’t have done her any favors.

But god had she wanted to. How she so badly wanted to throw caution to the wind and lay herself bare in the middle of the living room consequences be damned. How she wanted to take the chance to put everything out in the open with even the slightest chance of getting anything back. But she hadn’t. It’s probably a good thing she hadn’t, because she can’t even begin to imagine how Sasha would’ve taken that.

She had taken away that she was proud to have had the time to spend with her daughter. It almost caught her off guard with this being the third day and she wasn’t on any sort of time crunch to get Skye back home and then rush off to work. It’s like for the first time in so long, she’s been able to breathe easy.

A quick series of buzzes in her jacket startle her out of her reverie. Sighing quietly, she pulls her phone from her pocket and her heart sinks when she reads the two messages across the screen. The messages have been sent from her lieutenant, inquiring if she is able to come in and cover the night shift. She sighs heavily and slowly shakes her head as she types out a quick response that in short says she’s occupied. She would think that submitting vacation time would be enough of a hint, but apparently not.

Stuffing her phone back into her pocket, she looks up ad immediately her heart skips a beat when Skye isn’t where she last saw her. Standing up from the bench, she quickly looks around and expanse of the room. “What the fuck…Skye!?”

She begins moving hastily and with each passing second her search becomes a bit more frantic. Her heart begins to speed up as she’s maneuvering her way through the crowds of family and people stopping to admire the attractions or take photos. For Becky, everything seems to be moving in a blur as with each turn, her search comes up empty.

“Excuse me…sorry, sorry…” she mumbles in response to the dirty looks she’s received from those she’s had to physically out of the way. “Fuck. Skye!”

“Skye!”

No response. Sure it’s probably only been a minute, but to Becky, it feels like it’s been hours. Her heart is pounding so hard she feels like it’s about to leap right out of her chest. It’s become damn near painful.

“Skye!”

Her feet take her into the next exhibit and she’s searching this one a lot more frantically than she was searching the last. It’s an exhibit that’s much lighter than the last, as it’s a room filled with vibrant color from the reflective coral reefs. It’s a beautiful sight, and if Becky weren’t on the verge of hysteria, it would definitely be something to take it.

“Skye!” Becky spins around to find the girl in question peering into the fish tank on the farthest end up the room. Becky all but sprints across the room before she’s grabbing Skye by both of her shoulders to spin around. “Hey! What did I tell you!?”

Skye’s eyes are wide at Becky’s sudden and rather loud exclamation. “I…I…”

“You what!? What did I tell you!?” Becky drops to her knees to where they’re eye level. “I told you to stay where I can see you, right!?”

“But I wanted to—”

“Hey! Look at me when I’m speaking to you!”

Skye closes her mouth and nods slowly. “Yes Ma’am…”

Becky shakes her head. “I told you to stay where I can see you because I don’t want you running off. If you want to go somewhere else, you _tell me_. You don’t just do it, alright? You can’t be out here wandering around by yourself.”

“I’m sorry…” Skye whispers quietly, dropping her head as tears spring behind her eyes. “I didn’t mean to…”

Becky exhales, suddenly feeling really exhausted from her momentary panic. She takes in how Skye has somewhat deflated, and she realizes now just how much she might have been yelling a few seconds ago. “Hey…look at me,” she gently reaches out and lifts Skye’s chin with her fingers. “I’m not mad at you. You just scared me a bit when I looked up and you were gone. I was…”

_‘I should have been watching…’_

Becky shakes her head quickly. “I was worried. Next time come get me. Okay?”

Skye nods, but her voice is quiet when she speaks. “Yes Ma’am…”

As she’s straightening up, Becky drops a quick kiss to the top of Skye’s head before she pulls her into her side. “How about we get some lunch, yeah?”

Feeling Skye nod, Becky focuses on calming her heartrate. In the back of her mind, she’s left kicking herself for multiple reasons. She knows she probably shouldn’t have lashed out so quickly, but it was her fault in the first place. She should have been watching. She took her eyes away for only a second. 

_‘Look at you. You can’t even keep track of her in public.’_

That particular voice in her head leaves a chill down Becky’s spine. Not because of the words spoke. But because it’s a voice that doesn’t sound anything like her own. A voice that’s been telling her over and over again that she can’t do it. She’s beginning to wonder if that voice is right.


	8. Chapter 8

******

“Why are you awake right now?”

“I dunno. I just…got kinda restless. Couldn’t sleep.”

“Well I actually wanna sleep.”

“You don’t wanna stay up with me? Maybe for some adult entertainment?”

“As much as I would love to…really, because you know how much I love that thing you do with your tongue—”

“It’s the best!”

“It is…but it’s four am…and I really need to go to bed.”

…

“Hey Sash?”

“Yeah?”

“What if…what if it works? And you’re pregnant?”

“…then nine months from now we’ll be in a hospital and I’ll be regretting your existence, much less why I even married you in the first place.”

“Hey!”

“It’ll be the pain…and the hormones. Pain and the hormones.”

“God, I can’t believe I want to raise a baby with you. What if he turns out like you!? How am I gonna teach him how to play football when he’ll be too busy sassing me about which Chanel bag will go with his shoes???”

“A) I do not do that. B) ‘He’? You mean, She.”

“How do you know? We don’t even know if you’re pregnant.”

“Trust me. It’ll be a girl.”

“You know, I wouldn’t mind a girl actually. A little girl who’s as beautiful as you are.”

“And as devious as you. She would definitely be something, wouldn’t she?”

“Yeah, she would. She absolutely would. Is it bad that I already want to cry? Just laying here thinking about it? How we’re gonna be parents.”

“It’s pretty crazy…I kinda can’t wait.”

“Me neither. She...or _he_ willbe incredible.”

“I already told you, it’ll be a girl. I don’t know how I know I just…I have this feeling.”

“Hm…feeling. You know…I am pretty good at that…feeling.”

“Becky Lynch! Take your hands right back to your side of the bed!”

“Are you sure? I mean…do you really want me to?”

“…no. C’mere…”

******

* * *

It was 7:00 PM and with each check of the time, Becky found herself wishing that it would come to a stop, if not start moving backwards all together. That’s how it’s been for the past however long she’s been perched on the edge of her couch, jittery and tense all at the same time as if the slightest sound would be enough to startle her and send her flying twelve feet in the air. Her knees bounce while she sporadically alternates between rubbing her hands together and then rubbing them on her jeans. Each time she does so, she’s alerted to just how clammy she’s started to feel.

A quick glance around her living room has her heart sinking just a bit. Sitting just by the door are most of Skye’s things that had been packed and brought with her. It had been more than her usual haul, seeing as she had spent the entire week at Becky’s place as opposed to the usual, less than three full days span. They’re a reminder that for Becky, the week had gone by far to quickly and despite their small speedbump they had had at the aquarium, she can honestly say that this was probably the best week she’s had in a very long time.

Which is largely the reason why Becky is left feeling incredibly disappointed and extremely on edge all at the same time. It’s left what feels like a gaping hole in her chest that she’s tried her hardest to forget about, but it seems like every single time she gets still and has time to think, she’s reminded of just what she doesn’t have. She’s reminded of everything she at once took for granted and she’s finding herself in these loud internal screaming interrogations on how she let everything get so wrong.

Becky has just dropped her head into her hands when she’s startled by rhythmic knocking on her front door. A cold chill runs down her spine as she’s left staring at the door almost as if it’s the one at fault for the knocking. Hadn’t she pleaded with time enough? She had begged relentlessly for things to go back. Turn back faster than today, or the past week, or the past two years. Turn back to the exact moment where she’s allowed one last chance to fix it.

_‘I thought I had more time.’_

The knocking, this time a little more insistent, draws her further back into reality. Taking a deep breath, she slowly rises from the couch and makes her way towards the door. Her hand hesitates for a long time on the knob even though it nearly feels like a cube of dry ice placed in the direct center of her hand. She takes another deep breath and manages a small smile before she’s swinging the door open.

“Hey.”

Sasha is standing on the other side of the door looking poised and together as always. “Did you fall asleep?” She questions with a slightly raised eyebrow as she moves inside without bothering to wait for Becky to invite her inside. “Took you a while.”

Sighing quietly through her nose, Becky closes the door once Sasha has made her way inside. “No, sorry. I was just…in the kitchen putting some stuff away,” she shrugs. She takes note of how Sasha is in the center of the living room, looking around as if she is taking everything in, but also looking for something specific at the same time. Becky is unsure why the actions leave her feeling incredibly exposed, but she’s soon shoving her hands into her pockets to combat any outward showing nerves. “So…can I get you anything? Like a drink or something?”

If possible, Sasha’s eyebrow creeps even higher as she angles her head just to look at Becky out of the side of her eye. “I…didn’t exactly plan on staying,” her words start out clipped, but eventually relax just a bit. The transition momentarily takes her off guard and she mentally shakes herself before returning to her usual demeanor. “Where’s Skye? Is she ready to go?”

“Oh. Yeah, she’s in the room. She fell asleep about an hour ago. Kid was pretty tired out I think, and I didn’t have the heart to wake her so I just…let her sleep I guess.”

“She had a good week then?”

Becky blinks owlishly for a moment before nodding. “Yeah, I think so. We went to see a movie and went to the park and the aquarium. We, ah, had a tiny bit up a hiccup at the aquarium but—”

“Hiccup?” Sasha interrupts, with a frown of confusion firmly set into place. “What do you mean you ‘had a hiccup’? What does that mean? What kind of hiccup?”

“It wasn’t anything bad! She was just trying to be independent and she wandered off to far. I caught up to her and told her that’s not something she needs to do ever again.”

“So, you mean you lost her?”

“No I-Sasha I didn’t lose her! She just wandered off and-“

“—And what if someone had grabbed her? You and I both know very well how short that window is for someone to come up and grab her. Anything could have happened, Becky!”

“But it didn’t!” Becky groans while raking her hands through her hair. This isn’t what she wanted. In fact, this is the exact opposite of what she wanted. “I knew I shouldn’t have brought it up…”

Sasha’s eyes go impossibly wide and are now light with a familiar flame. “You were going to hide this from me!?”

Becky huffs and frantically shakes her head. “No, no that’s not what I meant! Sasha god I—" _‘How does this keep happening???'_ “I mean I just…I didn’t want you to worry about something that didn’t happen, because you do that. Skye’s fine and I had a talk with her about it, but it’s fine. These things happen. Kids _do_ things like this Sasha. It happens.”

Sasha is quick to open her mouth, but any words that she might have had at the ready appear to die out on her lips. She purses her lips into a thin line and studies Becky for a long, intense moment before she’s sighing heavily. “As long as she’s fine…” she eventually mumbles. 

Becky had honestly been prepared for another attack, seeing as that’s how these things are usually subject to go. “She is…”

There’s a silence where they’re left not looking at one another. It’s not for Becky’s lack of trying as she’s left studying her ex-wife wondering what she can say. If there’s anything she can say that will somehow evaporate the iciness that has presently made itself quite at home in her living room. Swallowing thickly, she glances down at her feet before shuffling slightly.

“How was your trip?”

Sasha looks up, clearly surprised at having been asked such a question. She blinks rapidly for several seconds as her hardened look begins to slip. “Oh, it was um…it was really nice actually. It’s been a while since I’ve been able to just kind of break away like that,” she interrupts herself with an almost shy laugh. “I caught my first fish.”

Becky’s eyebrows raise slowly. “You? You actually caught a fish?” she asks, her own laugh of disbelief slipping past her lips.

Sasha grins. “Yeah, I know. It was a little one and was barely enough to be a fish stick, but I still think it counts.”

“No, it counts. It definitely counts,” Becky is also left grinning as their laughter dies down. She nervously chews her bottom lip before probing further. “I know it’s not really any of my business but…I don’t know. Skye mentioned you were happy and I just…wanted to make sure you’re being treated right. That… _she’s_ okay and stuff…”

Sasha once again falls silent, her face full of contemplation and if one were to examination, they would see just a sprinkle of uncertainty. It’s not enough to be noticed unless someone were to be analyzing her under a microscope. A small smile tugs at the corner of her lips before she gives a tiny half shrug. “It’s still kind of soon to tell, but it’s been nice so far.”

“Oh…that’s good then. What’s ah…what’s she do?”

“She’s a fire marshal. Spent two years with the department before moving up. I…we met through work.”

“Oh, heh, seems like you’ve got a type then…” Becky tries to laugh it off, but when she catches Sasha’s quick change in demeanor, she’s immediately backtracking. “I didn’t mean anything by that! I was just…I don’t know what I meant actually…”

Sasha’s lips are pursed tightly, and she hums quietly before dropping her head. “What is this, Becky?” she whispers quietly while shaking her head. “What are you doing?”

Becky feels her own breathing falter as if she’s just been made a child who got caught in the cookie jar. Had she been that transparent and exposed the entire time? Where did she let go of the last bit of resolve she had left? Or maybe…maybe it’s just because Sasha just knows? Or maybe it’s something else entirely.

 _'No.’_ She interrupts that thought before it has even the potential to snowball into a monster she won’t be able to reel in later. Instead, she opens her mouth to force a verbal response that she hopes won’t somehow make things worse. “I told you, I’m trying because…I don’t want you to take Skye away from me, but also…I want to try to fix it.”

“Becky…”

“No, no I know, and even I’m not sure what exactly all that means,” _'I know exactly what it means.’_ “But I want to fix it. I’m still…I-I still think about you, and I don’t want you to look at me like I disgust you anymore. Like I’m…like I’m the person that ruined your life.”

Against her consent, Sasha’s jaw trembles ever so slightly before she clamps it shut. She bites down hard on her bottom lip and looks away, taking a long series of breaths before she can force her words out as strong as she wants them to appear. “I don’t know what you want, Becky. I already told you before…my trust in you it’s…it’s…”

“But I can do it!” Becky is quick to cut in. “I’m proving that I can do it. She’s been here with me the whole week and honestly this has been the best week of my life because for once things felt normal for me. I know I’ve screwed up so much in the past, but I’ve proven to you how hard I’ve been trying, and I can do it! Even with all of that, you still don’t trust me with her???”

“I don’t trust you with me!”

Becky blinks at the ultrarare display of vulnerability radiating off of the other woman. It’s not something she’s seen in…in fact now that she thinks about it, she can’t exactly pinpoint if she’s ever seen it at all. “Sasha…”

Sasha is quick to shake her head and the action proves to self-inflict a wound as a stray tear slips past her barriers. “I gave you so many chances to fix it. I _wanted_ to fix it right when I realized how bad everything was going, but to you everything was fine. You were so busy chasing this brass ring that doesn’t exist and you shelved me Becky. Then when Skye was old enough, you shelved her too.”

“I-I didn’t. I wasn’t trying to. I just wanted to be better.”

“I didn’t _ask_ you to be better! I just wanted you, _all_ of you. Instead you chose to break yourself off into these little separate sections and it took you away,” Sasha pauses to scoff bitterly as her voice cracked on the trail end of her phrase. “You broke our family…and you broke my heart.”

“Sash, I…babe…”

“Don’t! _Don’t!_ ”

Becky shakes her head, not having realized once again that they’re a lot closer than where they started. She reaches out and gently grabs hold of Sasha’s wrists. “Let me fix it…” her words are quiet as she speaks.

Sasha, who now has more tears falling, is quick to vigorously shake her head. “Let me go!”

“I can’t…please let me fix it.”

“Becky, stop!”

“Sasha, please!”

The momentary lapse between the two of them allows for a soft sniffle to break through their exchanged. With widened eyes, their joint gaze snaps towards the hallway where Skye is standing with wide red eyes and tears pouring down her face. Her eyes shift between her parents with a look of fear and disbelief.

Sasha recovers quickly, freeing her arm from Becky’s hold before wiping at her eyes. “Hey, are you ready to go?” when Skye doesn’t respond, Sasha begins to move quickly, gathering some of her things that had been left by the door. “Grab the rest of your things. It’s time to go home.”

“But…but I wanna stay…” Skye’s voice is so quiet it’s nearly missed.

Sasha falters momentarily but she keeps her pace while continuing to gather everything together. “You can’t. You’ve got school and it’s time to get you home, so go grab the rest of your things,” when Skye doesn’t move, Sasha’s voice raises. “Now Skye!”

Once again, Skye doesn’t move. She only stands in place and begins to cry more openly. Any words she attempts to say are all coming out as jumbled and indecipherable.

Before Sasha can drop everything to try and fix it, Becky is crossing the room and dropping to her knees in front of Skye. She begins speaking quietly, far too quiet for Sasha to hear anything that she’s saying over Skye’s sobs. All she can do is stand off to the side and watch as if she were the one intruding on a private moment.

“Hey kiddo, don’t cry, okay? Don’t do that,” Becky murmurs while wiping at both of her daughter’s cheeks with her thumbs. “We had a really good week and that’s all I want you to think about right now.”

“But-but I-I wanna stay…” Skye heaves as speaking only seems to make her cry even harder. “I want us to stay…”

Becky nods and continues to speak even against the sudden tightness in her own throat. “I know, but you’ve gotta get ready to go back to school. This week will be over before you even realize it and then it’ll be the weekend again. Here’s what I want you to do; I want you to spend this week thinking extra hard about what you wanna do this weekend. Anything at all. Then when the weekend comes, we’ll make it happen okay?”

When Skye’s sobs doe down into quiet hiccups Becky smiles. “There we go. Like I said, it’ll go by super fast,” she’s a bit surprised when Skye launches herself into her arms and squeezes her neck tightly, but it doesn’t take much for her to return the hug. “I love you so much, okay? We’ll do it again this weekend, but right now you’ve gotta get home so you have to go get your things, okay? C’mon, I’ll help you.”

Sasha has picked a spot on the floor to stare at as she listens to two pairs of feet shuffle down the hallway. Something in the back of her mind keeps her from following where instead, she stays rooted to the floor as is she had been purposely planted there. Her entire body feels cold and it’s like she’s been sat across the room watching herself for any sort of a reaction and all she’s left is with a statuesque shell.

When she comes to, Skye is standing directly in front of her, looking up at her almost expectantly. “Are you ready?” she asks carefully, her voice having lost some of its initial bite. When she looks up, she finds that Becky is already watching her. “I’ll…see you Friday.”

“Yeah…I’ll see you Friday…”

Becky can only watch feeling incredibly helpless. As the door shuts behind them, she drops back down onto her couch, while dropping her head into her hands. This is the quietest her apartment has ever been since she moved out some two years ago.

And she hates that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We are literally firing on all cylinders and all systems go with this one. I hope you guys are enjoying :) thoughts always welcome


	9. Chapter 9

******

Becky is incredibly thankful she’s been stuck somewhere in the fourth row, because if she hadn’t been, she’s a hundred percent sure she would have been caught and called out for day dreaming. Perhaps she can’t _exactly_ call it ‘daydreaming’. Daydreaming, in its simplest definition, implies detachment from reality in replace of visionary fantasy. The overall feeling is like taking one’s self out of the real world and instead, becoming placed into a fantastical one. Whether that new world is a direct replication of the real world or a vividly reconstructed world, that remains to be scene as it truly depends on the person, situation, and overall life circumstances.

For Becky, there’s not exactly anything fantastic about where she’s going, because she feels like she’s not going anywhere at all. While yes, she’s completed the first step of detaching from the real world, but she doesn’t exactly feel herself thinking about anything beyond that. She’s been left in what feels like a bit of a limbo between reality and fantasy. The feeling is traveling the River Styx between the world of mortality and the underworld, only for your choice of vessel to become immobile and you’re left abandoned and drifting aimlessly between two separate realities. Both realities that are so vivid in their existence, the absence of one over the other is greatly noticed when caught in between.

Needless to say, Becky hasn’t been paying very much attention for the entire duration of the ceremony. The most focus she had been able to put in was when attention was directly on her. When her name had been announced and she had walked across the stage. Shaking hands with the chief before having to smile for a photo in which the flash had felt much too hot and much too bright. Standing in front of several hundred pairs of eyes who don’t give a damn about another name and a face because she’s not who they showed up. Returning to her seat for the mundane task of clapping on and off when necessary and expected.

The invasive intrusion of sudden applause startles her back into reality. She sits up straighter in her chair and fidgets while she joins in and applauds with the rest of her class and their guest attendees. She doesn’t know what’s been said or why they’re all clapping, but it’s been too long. She’s been sitting here _way_ too long.

The sun had been rather unforgiving as everyone had been situated for the class photo. When everyone was finally dismissed, Becky was left lingering a tad bit behind, awkwardly tugging at the tie around her neck though that didn’t do much to alleviate the tightness in her throat. She watches as her classmates split off towards their guests, stepping into hugs and huddled while being congratulated on their greatest accomplishment. To watch feels a bit more bitter than it does sweet.

“Lynch! Hey!”

Becky blinks and subconsciously turns towards the direction of her name. She sports a tiny smile as she catches a familiar face weaving through the crowd towards her. The first time today she’s really been put at ease, even if it’s just a tiny bit.

“Hey.”

It’s Martinez. Well, Bayley. Virtually the only person Becky had taken the time to get to know over the past twelve months of their training. They had fallen in together as workout accountability partners due to them always ending up next to each other due to alphabetization. At first, Becky had been a little off put by the other woman’s chill laid back attitude while simultaneously being extroverted enough to talk virtually anyone under the table. Becky hadn’t exactly shown up to make any friends, and it took a while for her to give and as she was getting with Bayley, but eventually they settled into a friendship she’s actually quite glad she has.

Bayley’s grin is nearly blinding as she comes to a stop in front of Becky. Her smile only falters just a tiny fraction as she is finally close enough to see her friend. “Jeez, are you okay? You look like you just came out of a funeral.”

Becky opens her mouth quickly but settles on chuckling quietly as she collects her thoughts. “No, no. I think I’m just finally taking everything in, I guess. It’s kinda crazy, you know? Being here when it’s all over.”

“Yeah! Haha, it kinda reminds you of high school graduation, right? The moment before you take that next big step into the world or whatever,” Bayley pauses briefly before she laughs again. “I guess the only difference is we weren’t given guns after high school.”

“I’m glad for that. You should’ve seen some of the people I graduated with,” Becky snorts.

The two of them share a laugh at the dryness of the joke. It’s only a few moments later that leave Becky shifting almost uncomfortably. Her mouth opens and closes several times before she sighs quietly. “Hey, for what it’s worth. I just wanna thank you.”

Bayley immediately frowns in confusion. “Dude, for what?”

“Being here? I mean, I didn’t come into this looking for friends or anything. I just knew that there was a job and I was determined to do it and I want worried about anything else. Then you kinda decided ‘fuck all that, that lonely bitch needs a friend’ and I don’t know man, I really appreciate it. You sticking around and all.”

Bayley’s expression softens as she takes in the sincerity of Becky’s words. If there’s one thing she’s gathered about Becky over the course of their friendship, it’s that opening up isn’t exactly her forte. “Hey, friendship is one thing you’re never gonna have to thank me for. I don’t know if you noticed, but I’m pretty hard to get rid of.”

Becky snorts again. “Trust me, I’ve noticed...”

“ _Anyway_ , what I’m saying is, I’m gonna have your back. Whether that’s when we’re cut loose in the streets or anywhere else. I’m here dude.”

The hug the subsequently follows definitely takes Becky off guard but she finds herself at ease when returning it. “Thanks...”

Bayley shakes her head before stepping back. “Again, no thanks ever needed,” she pauses and briefly glances over her shoulder before turning back. “Hey, my parents are in town for this and we’re actually about to head off and grab lunch. Do you wanna join? Of course, only if you want to! If you’ve got something planned with someone that’s totally cool too.”

Becky’s shoulders deflate. “Oh, no my uh...I don’t wanna intrude on your time with your folks...”

“What? No c’mon, I wouldn’t have offered if it was gonna be a big deal.”

“No, it’s okay. I’ll be good.”

Bayley doesn’t appear convinced, but she also knows there’s no use in arguing Becky’s protests. “If you’re sure. Lemme know if you change your mind and if not, then we’ll have to grab a drink later. Celebrate coming of age or whatever.”

Becky chuckles and waves as Bayley eventually walks off. “Yeah, something like that...” she mumbles before her shoulders drop completely.

The area outside the auditorium is packed with families. You can’t move more than five feet without seeing a huddle of people surrounding their new graduates, congratulating them. The tightness in her throat returns, more daunting and suffocating than before.

Her feet are all but dragging as she’s maneuvering her way through the ground towards the direction of the parking lot. Deciding that she doesn’t much want to feel any more out of place than she is, she decides that maybe it’s best to end the day by going home and ordering a pizza or something. Just something to take her mind off the vice gripping her throat and the weights pressing down on her shoulders.

She checks both directions before she’s stepping off into the parking lot, but her foot never leaves the curb. Her gaze gets caught as she looks to her left and her heart immediately does a small leap. The finely pressed blazer, skirt and high heels look incredibly out of place against the white concrete. Almost like a magazine photo had been shopped into a less than worthy environment. Becky has to remind herself how to talk as she slowly heads off towards what she hopes isn’t an illusion.

“Sash?”

She takes in Sasha, who had been alternating between standing on her tip toes and manually moving through the crowd. Becky blinks several times as if staring for too long would bring her out of yet another fantasy limbo. Perhaps she had daydreamed to hard after all.

Except it’s no dream. She figures that out when Sasha quickly closes the distance between the two of them and is beaming up at her with that smile that could light cities. Becky doesn’t know why she’s been holding her breath, but she’s soon reminded up the life necessity to breathe.

“Sasha, what’re you...I thought you had mediation?”

“I did, but I managed to sneak out a little early so I could make it,” Sasha says as she holds up the program in her hand.

Becky eyes the program before looking back to Sasha with widened eyes. “I...you made it?”

Sasha grins and nods excitedly. “Yeah. When they called your name, I made sure to clap extra loud for you,” she lightly bites down on her bottom lip before stepping closer into her girlfriend’s space. She hums quietly as she traces her fingers over the badge and nameplate pinned to Becky’s chest before she’s looking up again. “Besides, I didn’t wanna miss the chance seeing you in your uniform for the first time. You look pretty good with a badge, Officer.”

Becky blushes and ducks her head. “Heh, it only took me three years, right?”

“Hey...” Sasha shakes her head before she’s cupping Becky’s face and bringing her head up so their eyes meet. “It doesn’t matter how long it took you. You wanted it, and you did it, okay? Whose cares how long it took? You wanted this Becky and you chased it. You did that...and I couldn’t be any more proud of you.” 

Becky feels her eyes beginning to water. Unable to find words, she instead ducks her head and presses her lips against Sasha’s. Public be damned, she wants nothing more than to kiss her girl right now and show her all the things she’s unable to say. The only way she can, because right now a simple ‘thank you’ just doesn’t seem like it would be enough.

Breaking the kiss, Becky doesn’t pull away as she rests their foreheads together while her hands remain resting at Sasha’s hips. “You don’t have to go back to work, do you?”

“No. I took the rest of the day and forwarded all my calls...” Sasha’s grin morphs into a sly smirk. “I really came here with the intention of wanting to get you home afterwards.”

Becky’s eyebrows lift slowly as she catches that glint in Sasha’s eyes. “I didn’t know a thing like this would really get you going.”

Sasha hums again. “Well I guess I must have a thing for women in uniform...” she leans in closer and drops her voice down to a whisper. “And out of it.”

Becky’s eyebrows shoot up even more and her eyes go wide to the size of saucers. She doesn’t say anything else as she grabs Sasha’s hand and quickly heads off to the parking lot. She literally couldn’t think about getting them home fast enough.

* * *

The late evening finds the couple sitting on a bench at the edge of the lake not too far from their apartment. The afternoon/evening had been filled with modeling of the uniform, other more intimate activities, and finally a late dinner when they had both managed to finally crawl out of bed.

Sasha had implored on what restaurant Becky would want to go to celebrate her graduation, but Becky had declined the offer of going out. She was quite content with where they were and ordering takeout still would’ve made the night special enough. Sasha had rolled her eyes and come up with the compromise that she would cook something.

When Becky had finally made her way out of the bedroom, she was a incredibly surprised to find the furniture had been move and in the floor, a blanket and a candle lit dinner had been set up. It was immediately in her nature to protest, saying that Sasha hadn’t had to go through such lengths just to cook dinner, but her protests had fallen on deaf hers. She had been grabbed by the hand and dragged over to the set up.

After a dinner full of stories, kisses, and everything in between they had decided to go for a short walk seeing as it has been such a nice night. That’s how they found themselves cozy in the bench, looking out over the lake. Sasha has her arm looped through Becky’s while resting comfortably on her shoulder.

“I need you to promise me one thing...”

“What’s that?”

“Promise me you’ll always come home at night?”

Becky’s eyes look up from where Sasha has been absently playing with her fingers. She’s a little confused as she shifts to look at Sasha full on. “Baby?”

Sasha sits up and sighs. “I know I’m probably being paranoid, but I’ve just really been thinking about this. You out there...look, I know you’ll be careful. I just...I just want you to promise me you’re gonna come home.”

Seeing the vulnerability in her girlfriend’s eyes, Becky feels a tingling feeling in her heart. She reaches out and gently cups Sasha’s face before nodding. “I promise...” she whispers before leaning forward to initiate a gentle kiss. Like before, it’s much easier for her to show Sasha what she means than tell her and show she does.

Pulling away, she nervously bites down on her bottom lip before she’s reaching a hand into the pocket of her hoodie. “I um, I actually...there’s something I wanted to bring up. Something I wanted to ask you.”

This time, it’s Sasha who frowns in confusion as she takes in Becky’s sudden change in demeanor. “What’s wrong?”

Quick to shake her head, Becky takes a deep breath. “No, nothing’s wrong. I just want to...” another deep breath and she’s removing her hand from her pocket. In her hand is a tiny velvet box and only after a mere second of silence she opens the lid. She feels her face go warm as she takes in how wide her girl’s eyes have gotten.

“I um...Sasha, will you marry me?”

Sasha’s eyes rapidly flip between Becky and the ring being presented to her. It’s no questions asked as she’s immediately nodding her head while struggling to find her own voice. “Yes I...absolutely.”

“Y-you will?”

“Yes...I’ll absolutely marry you.”

Becky has to consciously remind herself to keep her hands steady as she removes the ring to slip it on Sasha’s finger. “I...I know it’s...really not much. This was just all I could afford right now, but I really wanted you to have one. I definitely want to get you a better one when I—“

“Becky?” Sasha interrupts, examining the ring on her finger. The diamond is small and the band a little thin, but she shakes her head as her smile doesn’t dim, not even a fraction. “It’s perfect.”

“It is?”

“It is. I love it,” Sasha leans over and presses their lips together in a firm, passion filled kiss. When she pulls away, they’re both a little short for breath, and she laughs lowly. “And I love you.”

Becky interlaces their fingers and lets out the breath she had been holding for the longest as Sasha rests her head on her shoulder again. She drops a kiss to Sasha’s head before closing her eyes and sighing quietly. The most relaxed she’s ever been this entire day, is now.

“I love you too...”

******

* * *

The District Attorney's office is pretty much exactly how Becky remembers it. It’s not very often she’s ever called or needed to actually go up to the office. Usually anything she needs can be handled via simple phone call, fax, or email. This was one of those days she found herself having to personally deliver an evidence file necessary for a case she’s made a recent arrest on.

Having dropped off the file, she should be well on the way to finish out the rest of her day. Instead, she finds herself waiting in the elevator as it ascends from the third floor to the fourth. She glances down to the white paper bag she has in hand just as the elevator dings, signaling her arrival.

The fourth floor is a bit quieter even with the few people that are bustling about. Becky can’t exactly pinpoint the last time she had been on this particular floor. If anyone were to ask, she’s really had no reason to, much less any business. Today...today she had sat in her car before making a split second decision. Hopefully one she wouldn’t wound up regretting in the near future.

Her feet follow the familiar route on their own. Off the elevator. Through the glass doors. Four doors down. Make a right. First door on the left.

‘S. Banks’

Becky’s fingers trace the gold name plate before she’s raising her fist to knock on the door before she loses her nerve. She nearly does and would’ve turned around to leave if not for the curt ‘come in’ that soon follows her knock. Her hand hesitates on the doorknob before she’s poking cautiously poking her head inside.

“Hey. Are you um...are you busy?”

Sasha, who has been in the middle of scribbling notes on her legal pad, quirks an eyebrow as she looks towards the door out of the corner of her eye. “Kind of.”

Becky winces at the cold response. “Oh. I won’t be long. Just a couple minutes.”

There’s a long stretch of silence where Sasha doesn’t say anything. She eventually clicks her pen and sets it down before sitting up a little straighter in her chair. “What can I do for you, Sergeant?”

“Heh, it’s just the two of us here. We don’t have to be overly professional or anything,” Becky answers back after having slipped into the room and closed the door behind her. When her attempt at a lighthearted lit does nothing to change Sasha’s stoic demeanor, she finds herself deflating a bit.

Sasha’s hands are folded together atop her desk as she continues to stare Becky down. Surprisingly, her resolve is the one that cracks, but it’s into exhaustion as she releases a tired sigh. “What do you want, Becky?”

“I wanted to make sure you were alright. I had to drop off some paperwork and I just...” Becky trails off as she remembers the paper bag. She eyes it for a moment before she carefully reaches across to set it in front of Sasha. “I wanted to make sure you were okay.”

Sasha wants to protest against the bag, but when her nose catches the scent of warm food, her stomach immediately silences any oncoming arguments. “What is this?” She asks, eyeing the bag.

Becky shrugs. “Guess you gotta open it to find out.”

“You didn’t need to do this,” Sasha sighs again as she pulls the bag closer to her. Her stomach rumbles quietly as she opens it and finds a tightly wrapped sandwich and a warm cup of soup from her favorite deli. “Really you didn’t—”

“I know I didn’t, but I wanted to. I was in the area and I knew you hadn’t eaten.”

“And how did you know that?” Sasha is quick to shoot back in challenge, but she relents when Becky just raises an eyebrow in her direction. She knows she’s been caught. Sighing, she grabs the bag and stands up from her desk before she’s heading across the room to the small seating area.

Becky lingers idle for a moment as Sasha silently moving across the room is akin to someone leaving a door open without telling you to come in even though they’ve just walked away. It’s up to you to decide if you want to follow them or not. Shuffling her feet, she soon follows Sasha over time the table and takes a seat in the opposite chair.

Sasha snorts quietly and shakes her head as she unwraps her sandwich. “Of course you remembered...” she mumbles when she notices it’s her usual with all her favorite toppings.

Catching a hint of a smirk, Becky smiles as well as she nods. “I’d be kinda stupid not to,” she responds, trailing off when for a split second Sasha’s mask slips and Becky knows. She _knows_.

_‘You can remember my favorite sandwich order, but not Skye’s projects? Her class productions? Our anniversary? What you promised me?’_

It doesn’t have to be said for Becky to know. It’s a laundry list. It’s something she’s realized a long time ago, even though by the time she did it was just far too late to go back.

“You didn’t come, just to bring me food,” Sasha says, breaking the silence where she was allotted to take a few decent bites of her sandwich. She wipes her mouth and eyes Becky closely. “You want to talk.”

“Seems like we never really have the chance,” Becky shrugs, knowing she’s been figured out the moment she walked through the door.

Worrying her bottom lip, Sasha momentarily glances down at her hands that fidget in her lap. “Mostly because I don’t know what to say,” it’s spoken so quiet even she’s unsure if it’s something she’s admitting to Becky or herself.

Becky takes a deep breath. “I’m...not expecting you to just drop everything or uproot or do a complete 180. I’m not asking for that. I guess I just want to know if there’s a chance. Even a small one?”

“A chance at what?”

“A chance to fix it? To try again? I-I listen, I know I keep saying this, how much I miss Skye and I do. I miss her so much, but Sasha I also miss you. I know I have no right to say, but it was the worst day of my life when you told me you were leaving me. I still have nightmares because of that, not because you left but because I let it happen. I know I don’t deserve it, I know, but if there’s even the chance that you could still feel it too...”

Sasha has found herself able to look at everything in her office except for the woman in front of her. What’s terrifying is this is a conversation she’s imagined already. She’s drawn it up and would even go as far as to say she had hoped for it. But that was then. That was in the first few months, probably even the entire first year after they had separated that she had.

But that was then.

That was before she found herself sleeping at night. Before she found herself focusing more on her daughter. Before she found that maybe she could step out on a ledge and try something else with someone else. That was before she changed.

_‘I’m still in love with you.’_

The words Sasha knows are lingering somewhere nearby, threatening to break the surface. She knows. Perhaps she’s always known. Even with the bare minimum of interaction, she’s always felt the words floating nearby like a haunt. She doesn’t want to think about what would and could happen if she hears them.

“I don’t know...” Sasha is surprised by the softness in her own voice. “And I’m not saying that as a way to deflect, I’m saying that because I genuinely don’t know. We’re very different from where we were. So much has changed. _We’ve_ changed.”

_'Or maybe we haven’t and that’s what I’m afraid of.’_

“I keep having this dream...” Becky says out of nowhere. “It’s the same as the day we were in court for Skye. Only it’s like...no one can see me or hear me. I know what I need to do and change and fix it, but it’s like in that world I don’t exist. No matter how hard I try it’s like...the both of you just keep getting farther and farther away. Then I wake up and I realize...I’m living that same dream every single day and I don’t want to. Not anymore. I want to fight while you can still hear me.”

When Becky finishes, she realizes Sasha is looking at her, but not entirely. Becky falls Sasha’s gaze and her eyes drop to the insignia stitched to her arms, just below the shoulder. The three chevron stripes glare back, almost as if they were openly mocking her.

“I need to think about it. Really think about it...”

“That’s...” Becky exhales and some of her tension evaporates. “That’s all I ask for.”

It is and honestly that’s more than she’s gotten up to this point. She tries to stop it but she can’t help that her heart does a jump. It’s small, but a giant leap compared to the tiny steps that have only previously served to knock her backwards.

“I‘ll let you finish your lunch. I’ve gotta log back on pretty soon. Make sure my deputies haven’t gone rogue or something while I’ve been offline.”

Sasha chuckles quietly as she stands from her chair. “I had to witness prep your favorite pain in the ass not too long ago for a case. You two’s friendship still seems to haunt me to this day apparently.”

Becky barks out a loud, genuine laugh as she pauses by the door. “Yeah, she’s definitely a lot, but...I wouldn’t trade her. She’s been there for me a lot.”

“I’m glad...” Sasha murmurs with a small smile of her own.

“Listen I was uh, just thinking. Would it be okay if I called sometime? To check in on Skye but to also...check on you too?” Becky licks her lips that have suddenly gone dry. “If it’s not okay then that’s totally fine. I was just wondering...if it would be.”

“I...” Sasha blinks owlishly as if she had just been tasked with solving the world’s most difficult math problem. It takes her usually sharp kind a few extra second time catch up with her words. “Yeah...yeah you can call.”

Becky’s shoulders lax as she exhales and nods. “Great. I’ll...I’ll do that. I’ll, um, let you finish your lunch.”

Sasha nods and watches as Becky slips through her open door. She groans to herself before stepping halfway into the hall and calling out. “Becky?” She calls out just as Becky was about to round the corner. “Thank you. For lunch.”

“No problem...” Becky grins warmly, sending a small wave as Sasha retreats back into her office.

Becky returns the way she came. Make a left. Four doors down. Through the glass doors. Back to the elevator.

When the elevator arrives, she’s pleased to find that it’s empty. As she steps inside, she lets her head thump against the wall as it begins its slow descent, the feeling of weightlessness acting a bit unsettling.

There had been so much. So fucking much she had wanted to say, but she knows if she had opened her mouth, it very much would have been like a waterfall she wouldn’t have be unable to control. A small part of her can’t help but wonder, if Sasha is in the exact same boat.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Everything just ever seem to go right one way or another? That's this chapter I think. I can't explain it but I really liked this one and I hope you guys did too :3 thoughts always welcome!


	10. Chapter 10

******

“That should be the last one,” Becky lets out a tired breath as she sets the rather heavy cardboard box down at her feet.

She straightens up and places her hands on her hips as she glances around the once empty space that is now piled high with boxes. Laughing quietly, she shakes her head in the direction of her girlfriend who is sitting cross legged atop of the stacks. She appears to be grinning at something on her phone and occasionally pointing it in several different directions of the room before Becky will hear the telltale sound of a camera snapping. The action eventually causes her to roll her eyes.

“You know…this process would probably go a whole lot faster if someone managed to stay off her phone for more than five seconds,” Becky’s tone is as playful as it is sarcastic as she raises an eyebrow.

Sasha only scoffs and wafts a hand in Becky’s direction while she still doesn’t look away from the scree in front of her. “Stop it. What I’m doing is actually just as important as what you guys are doing.”

“Oh yeah? And what exactly _are_ you doing?”

“I'm documenting. I gotta make sure I capture all these moments so when we’re old and gray we can look back on them and smile and tell all our grandkids what it was like when we moved. It’s memories Becky.”

Becky’s eyes roll again and she’s soon navigating her way across the room while being careful not to stumble over the maze of boxes. Having crossed the room, she places her arms on either side of Sasha, successfully trapping her on the box she’s currently perched on. Becky can only tilt her head as she looks down with an amused look of incredulity. 

“And who says I’m gonna want grandkids with you, huh?”

Sasha clicks her tongue. “Out of everything I said, that’s what you picked up on?” she asks while smugly grinning up at Becky. “If you’re gonna be this unfun then I’m totally changing my mind about this whole thing.”

Becky chuckles while keeping her own smug look in place. “Oh, Miss Banks. I think it might be a bit too late for you to change your mind.”

Turning up her nose, Sasha folds her arms before sniffing haughtily. She has absolutely noticed how Becky has made it a point to start leaning into her, but still she keeps the game up. “And why is that?”

“Because,” Becky makes it a point to draw out the word as she continues leaning forward, stopping just shy of Sasha’s lips. “We’ve already both signed the lease. You really gonna go through all that trouble, just to unsign it?”

Sasha’s lips purse into a thin line and she tries to hold her serious look before she’s left snorting into a brief fit of giggles. “Why are you like this? ‘Unsign’ isn’t even a word, Becky. Not to mention you can’t ‘unsign’ something.”

Becky briefly tilts her head back and laughs openly. “Well it’s a word if I want it to be a word,” she laughs for another moment before she’s once again leaning in close enough to press their foreheads together. “You’d really change your mind about livin’ with me?”

“Hmm, I don’t know,” Sasha hums while bringing a hand up to gently stroke Becky’s cheek with her fingers. “Give me some time to think about it then we’ll see if I change my mind.”

“You’re a very difficult woman, you know that? Very difficult.”

“It’s one of my finer qualities.”

It’s Becky who only hums in response as she leans in just enough to capture Sasha’s lips. The kiss is warm and gentle, and she can’t help but smile into it as this is quite literally one of her favorite things in the world. As cheesy as she knows it makes her sound, she can’t ever get enough of kissing her girl. Whether it’s a quick peck in the mornings, or a deep connection when they’re making love, every single one always seems like the first and it never fails to fill her with warmth and excitement.

She deduces that the same could be said for Sasha as well who has shifted to tangle both of her hands into Becky’s hair while pulling her closer. Becky is a little taken off guard by the quiet moan that seems to settle itself in the base of Sasha’s throat. The action causes her own hands to react on their own as she shifts her hands to grasp firmly at Sasha’s hips. What was once a chaste kiss has slowly started to evolve into the realms of something more passionate. At least for the time being.

“Ew. That’s probably one of the last things I think I needed to walk into right now.”

The third voice in the room causes an end to their kiss as they’re both left pulling away. Sasha rolls her eyes and sends a look over Becky’s shoulder towards her best friend who is lingering somewhat idly in the very center of the living room. “Well maybe knock before you just come right in next time.”

Charlotte raises her eyebrows and looks down at the pile of garment bags stacked in her arms before she looks back up at Sasha with widened eyes. “Knock!? With what hands, Sasha!?”

Sasha shares a look with Becky who only shrugs before she’s sliding off of her perch. “Don’t you even dare think about sitting those down on the floor either. Give them here.”

“Gladly,” Charlotte passes the clothing over. She just barely casts an acknowledging glance at Becky out of the corner of her eye before she’s turning her full attention to Sasha. “That should be everything, right?”

“Yeah for the easy part,” Sasha shrugs dismissively.

Behind her, Becky blinks rapidly several times. “The easy part?”

Not aware that she even had an echo, Sasha shakes her head and glances back at her girlfriend. “Babe, you didn’t think we were going to stop here, right? I’m not living a box jungle for the next week.”

“Yeah, but I at least though we could take a break to I don’t know…eat…” Becky mumbles to herself while sighing heavily as she leans against a stack of boxes.

Sasha shakes her head once again. “It’ll go faster if we start now,” she says firmly before holding up her clothes. “These are important, so I’ll put these away first. You two can go ahead and get started on the kitchen. That’ll probably be easiest.”

“You do know I have other stuff to do right?” Charlotte calls after Sasha.

“Too bad! You should’ve thought of that before you volunteered to help!”

Becky, who was quite content to leave the two friends to their exchange, ducks her way into the kitchen. Much like the living room, boxes are scattered around the area in a much smaller and condensed fashion. The kitchen is nice. Really nice. Probably one of the selling points for this apartment as opposed to the other ones they had looked at was most definitely the kitchen. Sasha had immediately fallen in love with it and Becky knew that there was very little anyone could do to change her girl’s mind once it was made up.

This is their first place that is just theirs and while Becky is incredibly excited, she can’t help but feel nerves poking at her internally. This will be the first time that they’re sharing a space outside of the extended times she would stay over at Sasha’s place or feeling kind of iffy about frequently inviting Sasha over because her own living situation had involved roommates. This was something she was longing for and hadn’t even realized she was doing so until Sasha had brought up the prospect of them living together. From there, things just seemingly fell into place and they were moving forward into what she feels like is a new chapter in her relationship. Perhaps that’s the part that’s making her nervous.

Becky doesn’t much realize that she’s gotten lost in her own thoughts until noise in the kitchen brings her out of her head. She glances up, she finds Charlotte a few paces away, her attention turned to a set of boxes lined against the wall, all labeled by Sasha’s familiar scrawling script. Judging by the small frown, on her face, Becky can only guess that she’s trying to decipher the hieroglyphics that is Sasha’s handwriting.

“Thanks for uh, helping us move and stuff,” Becky says, breaking the usual awkward and heavy silence that typically falls between the two of them on ever the off chance that they’re left alone together. “If you’ve got other stuff to do, it’s okay if you want to take off. Sash and I can handle all the unpacking.”

Charlotte hums and doesn’t look up from her task as she speaks. “I was just giving Sasha a hard time. It’s probably better if I stay anyway. She could use the help.”

Becky opens her mouth, but she realizes that she doesn’t even have anything moderately related to a response at the ready. This happens a lot. More times than she would actually like to admit to. Not knowing what to say, she drops her head back down to the box she’s just opened containing some dishware.

“So what are your plans, Becky?” Charlotte speaks up after they work in a brief moment of silence.

Once again, Becky finds herself blinking in confusion as she looks up again. This time, she finds Charlotte actually looking at her, only Becky feels like she’s looking _through_ her. It’s a gaze that’s icy and heated at the same time, and frankly, not all that unfamiliar. Still though, she’s a bit confused by the question.

“Huh?”

“I mean the plan. You’ve moved in with her. Congrats, that’s marked off the list. Now what?”

The matter-of-fact tone in Charlotte’s voice makes Becky incredibly uncomfortable. “I don’t know what you mean by that. This is about Sasha, just as it is about me.”

Charlotte’s eyes narrow before she’s slowly angling her head to the side. “Is it? About Sasha? Because the way I see it, it’s just one more thing she’s doing for you. You don’t even have a job—”

“I’m looking right now—”

“—never mind the fact that she was paying for you to go to school—”

“—it wasn’t like—”

“—and then failing that police thing or whatever.”

Becky, who had been turning incredibly red from the onslaught, suddenly goes extremely pale. Her jaw works several times as she tries to work the words out of her mouth, but her throat has gone incredibly dry. She swallows thickly to gain some moisture back, but the action proves futile.

Charlotte raises an eyebrow before scoffing. “What, that wasn’t something you were gonna tell anybody? Tell Sasha?” she snorts and shakes her head. “Well I’m not gonna be the one to tell her. Even though I very damn well should.”

To an extent, Charlotte is absolutely right. It hadn’t been something she had wanted to bring up. It wasn’t that she was deliberately hiding it, but more so the reality that she had been so fucking embarrassed, she hadn’t wanted to say anything. Not yet at least.

Becky had never particularly been a good test taker which is the whole reason that school just hadn’t ever really worked out for her. She had given a shot a few times, but eventually settled that she didn’t exactly need it at the moment with what she wanted to do. What she hadn’t exactly banked on was the entry written exam for the force was a bit more difficult than she thought it would be and she had a bit of trouble with it. It’ll be another year before she’ll be able to apply again.

She hadn’t told Sasha about it, because she just wasn’t ready to see the disappointment. Sasha was her biggest, and actually her only supporter through literally everything. She couldn’t stand the idea of looking at Sasha and telling her that all of that had basically been for nothing.

“Don’t…I wanna be the one to tell her,” Becky mumbles quietly while staring down at her hands. Even though she’s not looking, she can still feel Charlotte’s gaze boring into her. “Look, I’m not trying to take advantage of her or anything.”

“Could’ve fooled me…” Charlotte snorts bitterly.

“I’m not!” Becky exclaims, looking up with a frown. “I’m really not. She really means a lot to me and I would never do something like that. It’s just…taking me a little longer to figure some stuff out, but I’m trying to get there. I love her so much I’m not gonna…I wouldn’t do that.”

Charlotte’s eyes narrow once again as she exams the other woman silently. For so long, she just stares without saying anything, almost as if she’s writing up an unknown manuscript in her mind that isn’t meant to be shared. Not right this moment anyway. Eventually, she clicks her tongue and shakes her head.

“It literally shocks me at how much she’s done for you,” she mutters lowly. “And for what?”

Becky feels herself physically deflate because she doesn’t have the answer. She can’t even lie and pretend to say that it’s something she hasn’t thought about. In fact, it’s something she thinks about damn near every morning when she wakes up and every night when she goes to sleep.

_“Babe, can you come help me move something?”_

Hearing Sasha call out to her from another room leaves her straightening up. She ducks her head and doesn’t so much as look at Charlotte before she’s quickly slinking out of the kitchen. The same question is repeated over and over again in her mind as she makes her way towards the bedroom.

_‘For what?’_

She doesn’t know.

******

* * *

Becky is largely thankful that it’s a bit darker towards the back of the school auditorium. The darkness had allowed her to slip in unseen as she had taken a seat on the end of the very back down. She had gotten a few looks here and there which she wasn’t exactly surprised about, but mostly she was focused on everything that was playing out on the stage.

It had been a long day for her. Definitely longer than it should have been as calls seemed to be in high demand on this particular day. Sure she’s well used to it by now because it comes with the job, but this was almost like the world knew she had made other plans for the night so it opted to through everything it could in her direction to make sure she was too exhausted to continue on.

On and off she did find herself having to fight against her own consciousness on the few times her eyes began to roll and her head began to lull to the side. On more than one occasion, she did find herself quietly gasping as she scared herself awake. Those times she sent apologetic smiles to the heads that turned in her direction.

The production has been cute for the most part. Becky has occasionally found herself snickering quietly to herself as stereotypical ‘hover-moms’ will make their way into the aisle ways armed with their giant tablets to record every two point five seconds their kid is anywhere near the front of the stage. It’s a comedic sight as she imagines them trying to clamber over one another trying to see who can get the best angle.

Becky’s eyes travel to the little girl on the very end. Prime and proper as ever while her face will occasionally screw up in what looks to be concentration. She can’t help but smile warmly and be amused all at the same time as she’s all too familiar with that specific look.

Becky suddenly feels a slight sting in her chest. She’s left wondering just how many times an empty seat has been left behind. It had to have been far too many. Way too many for her to even have an idea and that realization somehow hits her like a freight train.

She’s startled out of her thoughts by a torrent of clapping. She sits up straighter and joins in as the ten little girls on stage all join hands and take a bow. She’s almost immediately ducking out the back as soon as the doors are opened.

The sun has set along time ago and Becky feels incredibly crowded by the sea of parents milling about the courtyard area. She skirts around out of the way for the most part as her heart begins to beat just a bit faster for reasons unknown to even her. She shouldn’t be nervous. She doesn’t have reason to be.

When she realizes the kids have been released to their parents, Becky finds her feet slowly carrying her through the crowds. Families are scattered in chunks here and there and her stomach gradually tightens into knots. With each turn it seems as if everyone only multiplies and it’s nearly suffocating her.

She just barley avoids being ran into by a rather rowdy bunch of children when she looks up and her heart skips a beat. Just a few paces away, Skye seems to be talking a mile a minute to Sasha as she nods expectantly. Next to Sasha, stands Charlotte wearing a similar look of soft amusement. Becky slows her pace to an almost hesitant crawl as she’s not quite close enough to be noticed yet.

As she nears closer, Becky can just barely make out something in Skye’s rambles. The fast pace in her words and the octave lift in her voice and Becky immediately knows that tone. The corner of her lil curls upward as she just catches the exhausted take on some other girl in her dance group who is apparently “lazy” and “doesn’t do it right”. Becky can’t help but shake her head at the fact that Skye and Sasha are identically matching each other’s looks of disapproval.

Charlotte sees her first. Her eyes widen momentarily in surprise as she softly nudges Sasha who follows her gaze. Becky offers a tiny smile as best she can while lifting her hand in a small wave.

“Mama!”

“Hey-oof!” Becky soon finds that she suddenly has an armful as Skye all but takes a running leap at her. She gives Skye a firm squeeze as she lifts her into her arms and laughs. “You’re getting a bit too big to be doing that.”

“Or you’re old...” Skye mumbles into Becky’s shoulder, giggling quietly at Becky’s exaggerated gasp.

Even with Skye currently in her arms, Becky’s attention does shift to the two women a few paces away. Sasha’s look is unreadable as she nods absently to whatever Charlotte is whispering. Eventually, she looks up at Charlotte and nods with a more firm finality before accept the reassuring squeeze to her arm. Charlotte goes to walk off, but not before sending a glare that Becky feels is the equivalent of a heated dagger being thrown in her direction. She just barely managed to fight off the urge to roll her eyes. Shaking her head, Becky sets Skye back down on her feet just as Sasha approaches the two of them.

“What are you doing here?” Sasha’s voice isn’t full of its usual conviction, but instead replaced by genuine curiosity.

Becky shrugs and looks down at Skye and then at the recital program she has in hand. “I ah, I was able to get away from work and I knew she had this tonight so I wanted to...I hope it’s okay I...”

“You saw me dance!?” Skye interrupts, her eyes brightening with excitement. “What’d you think? Did you like it? Did you like my costume? Mommy helped me with it.”

Becky chuckles quietly at the barrage of questions. “I loved every part. Especially the part where you got to dance at the front because you’re just that awesome.”

Skye grins before looking up at Sasha. “I’m awesome.”

Sasha rolls her eyes and playfully pulls Skye into her having wrapped her arms around Skye’s shoulders. “Awesome and for some reason very spicy tonight,” she laughs quietly before looking back to Becky with a slightly softer expression. “You could’ve told me you were planning on coming. I...could’ve saved a spot for you.”

Becky laughs nervously as she feels her face warm just a bit. “No it’s no big deal. I didn’t wanna say, you know, just in case something came up and it was a nice surprise and...I don’t know. You were with Charlotte and...yeah.”

“Oh...” Sasha worries her bottom lip for a moment. She glances down at Skye who is occasionally looking between the two of them and she closes her eyes for a second as if she’s making up her mind. She takes a quiet deep breath and opens her eyes. “Skye and I...I promised her I’d take her out to eat after this. Would you maybe...like to join us?”

Of all the things she had expected to be asked tonight, this definitely wasn’t on the list. She has to mentally play everything back in her mind just to triple check that she had heard correctly. Her eyes dart down to Skye who is watching her with genuine innocents and expectations. Almost as if she’s silently pleading. How could she answer anything else?

“I would love to.”

* * *

Dinner has left her feeling the most relaxed she’s felt in a long time. The evening has been mostly filled with Skye filling them in on the latest having to do with school, dance, and wanting to try soccer next. Becky had been left laughing almost hysterically as Sasha had to remind Skye multiple times that she didn’t like being outside and a back and forth soon ensued between the two.

Eventually, the day had apparently caught up with Skye as she’s been left dozing off in the booth. She was about three quarters of the way through with her food when sleep finally won over and she was slumping against the inside wall. Sasha could only shake her head.

“This is absolutely your child,” she snorts while carefully boxing Skye’s leftovers. “She has the ability to fall asleep literally anywhere.”

“I think it’s a pretty valuable skill to have,” Becky grins cheekily. “Makes for some pretty decent naps on the go. Although, I don’t think you can judge very much Miss ‘I keep a spare suit in my office just in case I end up going to bed at my desk’.”

Sasha arches an eyebrow in challenge. “Okay, but I also have a couch in my office. A couch is normal for a person to sleep on. Unlike some people who fall asleep standing up.”

Becky’s cheeks immediately go red. “Okay, that was one time!”

“You were pouring coffee too. You ended up getting it _everywhere_.”

“Okay yeah...kitchen counter. Definitely the strangest place to take a nap.”

They two share a laugh. Probably the most genuine at ease laugh they’ve shared in years. The nostalgia of it hits Sasha harder than it should and she finds her smile fading just a fraction as she ducks her head in an uncharacterized action of vulnerability. She tucks a strand of hair behind her ear and clears her throat before reading for one of the two checks just recently placed on their table. She’s surprised when Becky moves in and grabs the both of them.

“What’re you doing? What, Becky no, come on.”

“Sash, it’s fine,” Becky waves her off and is quick to place her card in the billfold before flagging down their waitress. Again, she’s rolling her eyes and waving off Sasha’s disapproval. “Seriously, it’s fine. Before you say it, I know I don’t have to, but just let me, okay?”

She’s surprised when Sasha doesn’t argue, but she can see the discomfort playing out over the other woman’s face. Instead, Becky directs her attention to Skye with a gentle nod. “How’s she holding up?”

Sasha appears to evaluate her words for a moment before she’s sighing quietly. “She’s growing up...and I think she’s just going through a bit of an adjustment period. Getting used to some changes at school and at home. Stuff like that...”

“I’ve noticed,” Becky nods while taking a breath. “I mean when she’s with me and stuff. She seems a little more...I don’t know. It’s like she’s gotten this little bit of fire from somewhere.”

“You could almost say she’s gotten combative,” Sasha snorts while reaching over to brush Skye’s forehead. “This child loves to argue.”

“Just like her Mom...” Becky is taken off guard by the softness in her own voice. Thankfully, the check is returned and she’s scrambling to change the subject while moving to sign the receipts. “How’s work and everything?”

Sasha sighs tiredly and for a moment, Becky can see past the mask. She can see the overwhelming exhaustion of someone who pours every ounce of herself into anything. She recognizes it so well because it’s something she sees in her own mirror every single day. The only difference between them is Sasha is much better at hiding it.

“My caseload is pretty heavy right now. Not anything too difficult, but we’re a bit short-staffed right now in my unit and I’m just managing a lot. Just trying to stay on top of things, you know?”

Becky nods solemnly, because she knows. She absolutely knows. She just wishes it was something she figured out a long time ago because maybe then they wouldn’t be sitting on opposite ends with the table in between them feeling like an entire ocean.

“You know you can let me know if you need anything, right? Seriously, if it’s just to pick up Skye from school one day or something that’ll help. I can...I wanna help.”

Sasha hesitates before only responding with a small nod. “Thanks...” she says quietly before turning her attention back to the little girl starting to snore quietly on her shoulder. “I should probably get her home. She’s pretty wiped from today.”

Nodding, Becky slides out of the booth. “I bet. Here, if you wanna grab her food, I’ll take her.”

Sasha shuffles out of the booth just enough for Becky to lift Skye into her arms. She grabs her purse and the rest of her belongings before leading the way out of the restaurant. It’s when they’re out in the parking lot and away from all these noise that she can actually hear just how sleep Skye really is.

Becky follows Sasha out to her car where she opens the door and gently unclamps Skye’s arms from around her neck before placing her down in the backseat. She gently combs her fingers through Skye’s hair and brushes her forehead before stepping back enough to close the door. When she turns, she surprised to find Sasha watching her closely.

“Thanks...for inviting me tonight. I really,” she takes a breath to regather her words. “It’s been a while and I don’t know...it was nice.”

“It was...” Sasha echos quietly. She goes to head around to the driver’s side of her car before she turns around. “Can I just say, I’m glad you showed up for her tonight. It was a nice surprise seeing her light up like that. Thank you...for doing that.”

Becky shrugs and shoves her hands in her pockets. “I wanted to. I needed to, I guess. I really wanted to see her and...I didn’t just show up for her, you know?”

Sasha feels her throat go slightly dry and her heart takes matters into its own hands by beating just a bit faster than normal. It’s in rare occasion she feels herself becoming this nervous and on instinct she wraps her arms around herself despite the warm night air.

“I...thanks. Goodnight Becky...”

“Night...”

Becky steps back and leans against her jeep as she watches Sasha her situated in her car. She lifts her hand and waves as the car drives off, leaving her behind to sigh with her hands still stuffed deep in her pockets. She knows she probably shouldn’t have said that but she _had_ to. She couldn’t stop herself and she knows she wouldn’t ever take it back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know if i say this enough, but thank you guys for supporting this story. This is probably the most hard hitting close to home thing i've ever written and it's just...the reception has been amazing. seriously i can't thank you guys enough :)


	11. Chapter 11

******

“So…Becky and I are probably gonna move in together…”

There’s a silence where the only thing that fills the air is the canned noises coming from the movie playing out on the television. Charlotte blinks, once, twice, then three times as if she’s trying to mentally process through each set of words as they were said. She a hundred percent _heard_ what was said to her, but now she’s having trouble with the actual cognitive part of listening.

“…huh?”

Definitely not the most eloquent thing she could’ve responded with, but it’s quite literally the first and only thing she could come up with.

Sasha hesitates for a moment before she tries to shrug nonchalantly. Even though she hasn’t turned away from the television, she knows she doesn’t have to. She can practically feel it with the way Charlotte is suddenly looking at her. It’s the single look that leaves her almost immediately regretting that she had even said anything at all.

Biting the corner of her lip, she shrugs again as if that will be enough to rationalize what she just said. She knows she’s only wishfully thinking. In all their years of friendship she knows damn well that she’s not going to get away with saying virtually anything without some sort of a follow explanation. Especially not something of this magnitude. It’s definitely not something that she’s just going to be allowed to skip over. Not with ease at least.

Charlotte, whose eyes have narrowed considerably at this point, takes it upon herself to give her friend a bit of a nudge to continue on. “…so…what all does that mean exactly?” one of her eyebrows slowly creeps up as she’s waiting for a response that she once again doesn’t immediately get. “Like…she’s gonna be moving in here?”

Sasha still doesn’t look at Charlotte. Instead, she looks down at her hands where she begins to absently play with her fingers. “Not exactly. We’ve been looking for places together. I think we’ve found one we both really like, so now we’re just looking to set it all into motion, I guess.”

The way Charlotte continues to stay rather silent makes Sasha a bit uncomfortable. She sighs quietly and sits up enough to reach for the remote and pause the movie. She sits up further and pulls her legs closer to her from where they’ve been stretched across Charlotte’s lap. “Go ahead…”

“Go ahead what?” Charlotte responds. Now, it’s her turn to not look away from the television, despite the fact the movie has been paused.

“Say whatever it is you’re trying not to…” Sasha waits for a moment before she sighs quietly and hugs her knees to her chest. “Charlie, I know you don’t like her very much—”

“I don’t like her at all,” Charlotte cuts in quickly.

Sasha snaps her mouth closed and sighs heavily through her nose. She tilts her head back for a moment and closes her eyes. They’ve been here before. Hell, they’re here probably every other week it seems. Sasha bringing Becky up or around, Charlotte turning icy, Sasha rationalizing and looking for reasons for her to come around.

Eventually, it’s Charlotte who sighs heavily, breaking the silence. “Look I’m not trying to sound like…I just…Sash, are you sure?”

Sasha frowns and opens her eyes. She looks back up to face Charlotte full on. “Why wouldn’t I be?”

Charlotte shrugs. “I don’t know. Becky just seems…like she’s coasting or something.”

“Coasting?” Sasha echoes as her frown contorts into a deeper confusion. “What does that even mean?”

“It means that it doesn’t seem like she has any sort of direction. That doesn’t bother you at all? That she’s just kinda moving through everything, moving through _life_ , like she’s just playing it by ear?”

Sasha worries her bottom lip as a sign of her usual discomfort when broaching this particular topic. “She has a plan for what she wants to do, Char…”

“And what is that?”

“I already told you this. She wants to apply for the police department.”

“Yeah and the last time we talked about it she was still ‘wanting to’, she hadn’t actually _done_ it.”

“Charlie—”

“And don’t you need a degree for that anyway?” 

“Actually, you don’t and she’s still deciding if that’s something she wants to do or not…”

Charlotte snorts bitterly while reaching for her wine glass. “Yeah, she’s free to fuck around with the decision while you’re still paying for it.”

Whether it was meant to be heard or not, Sasha doesn’t know, but she definitely heard it. Her entire posture goes rigid and her hands involuntarily clench in her lap. “She didn’t _ask_ me for it. I offered because I figured it’s something that’ll actually be good for her and for _us_. Don’t make it seem like she’s taking something from me.”

“Well can you blame anyone for thinking that when that’s how it looks?” Charlotte shoots back quickly, nearly matches Sasha’s firm tone. “What’s one thing she’s done since the two of you have been together? From the very begin she’s done nothing but sit back and let you babysit her.”

Sasha scoffs and shakes her head. “That’s not true, and you know it’s not.”

“Then what, Sash!? Tell me one thing she’s actually gone out of her way to do whether you’ve asked for it or not, what has she done for you? What _can_ she do?”

“She loves me, Char. Shouldn’t that by itself just be enough of a reason and an explanation?” Sasha asks, her voice colored with disbelief.

This time, it’s Charlotte who’s tilting her head back as a mirthless laugh slips past her lips. “That is so not what this is about right now.”

“Then what is it about!? What else could it possibly be about!?” Sasha’s voice raises as she becomes more animated.

Charlotte groans. This isn’t where she wanted this to go and she wishes that she should’ve kept her mouth shut pretty early on in this conversation. It’s line of thoughts and questioning she’s held onto for quite some time now. The entire duration of her friend’s relationship if she’s being perfectly honestly. While she knew then just as she knows now that it’s not any of her business, she can’t help but feel incredibly unsettled with each passing moment that Sasha doesn’t seem to want to stop and take a look at how things are in their current reality.

Setting her glass down, Charlotte turns to fully face her friend. Her face immediately softens as she takes in the glassiness in Sasha’s eyes. She eventually sighs as her shoulders deflate. “Listen, I know it seems like I’m coming off kinda harsh, and I’m sorry for that. I just…Christ, Sash, I’m just trying to look out for you, okay? I’m not saying you don’t love her and yeah, maybe she loves you. I just don’t want anyone taking advantage of you, okay? You do so much for her Sasha. _So_ _much_. I just don’t want you to come of this like you’ve been taken advantage of. I want this to be something that helps you as much as it does her. I know you love her, but I can’t help but think the way I do when this is how it looks.”

Sasha sniffles, but she doesn’t reach up to wipe at her tears. She feels like if she acknowledges that they’re there, then they’ll fall and once they’re going, she’s not quite sure she’ll be able to stop them. “I know it seems like that and that’s how it looks, but…she really means a lot to me, Charlie. You’re always talking about how you just want me to be happy, right? Well, Becky makes me happy Charlotte. When I’m with her it’s like I’m able to just take a step back and live for a little bit. I know that’s not something that makes much sense, but it’s how I feel, and it would really mean a lot to me if you would at least recognize that she’s trying. She’s trying for _me_.”

Charlotte’s lips purse into a thin line and the two stare at each other for a long moment before she’s sighing heavily once again. “As long as you’re sure…”

Sasha knows that’s the closest they’re going to get for now. She wasn’t exactly expecting to change Charlotte’s mind in a day. She knows such an ambition is damn near impossible to achieve. Still though, it’s hopefully a step in the right direction, because she’s never been more sure of anything in her life.

******

* * *

Shifting the stack of files in her arms, Sasha hesitates for a brief moment before stepping into the doorway. She knocks lightly before leaning against the frame of the open door. “Hey, was wondering if you got a minute?”

“For you, I have several,” Charlotte looks up from where she had been typing away on her computer. She centers herself at her desk while Sasha closes the door and takes a seat in one of the chairs across from her. She examines her friend for a moment before angling her head to the side. “What’s up?”

Sasha shrugs before remembering the folders she has in hand. “Nothing, really I…wanted to get your opinion on these,” she hands them over and sits back in her chair while Charlotte begins to comb through the files. She watches silently before nervously biting her lip. “I also wanted to tell you that you don’t have to pick up Skye from her rehearsal on Thursday.”

Charlotte raises an eyebrow but doesn’t look up from the paperwork. “Oh? You got your hearing moved?”

“No, um, I didn’t…”

“So how is she getting home?”

Sasha sighs quietly and shrugs again as if the action will do anything to calm her nerves. “I, um…Becky’s gonna pick her up,” her voice trails off down to a quiet murmur as she continues. “She doesn’t have school the next day because it’s a teacher workday, and Friday is Becky’s day anyway, so I just figured…you know…since she was available.”

Charlotte is quick to look up from the file and she’s not at all to find that Sasha is looking anywhere but at her. Her lips purse for a moment before she’s flipping the folder closed and resting both hands on her desk. “You’re letting…what?”

“I mean, she has the time and it’s what makes the most sense. You don’t have to go out of your way, I’m not rushing straight from court, and it’ll all be easier for Skye.”

“Right…” Charlotte drags out of the word. She folds her heads in her lap and leans back a bit in her chair while studying Sasha closely. She’s seen that look before and she almost knows exactly where this is going, or at least has the potential to go. “So, she finally begged enough then?”

Sasha lets out a laugh, though it’s a bit tired and knowing. Almost as if she was waiting for the conversation to take this sort of turn as soon as she brought up the fact that Becky would be picking up their daughter. A part of her hadn’t even wanted to say anything at all, but she knew that in the event this was found out later…she just didn’t want to deal with that.

“She wasn’t begging…” Sasha frowns as she recollects her thoughts. “I mean she just…she’s been trying a lot lately, and it’s just been kind of nice to see. For Skye’s sake.”

“Only for Skye’s sake?” Charlotte challenges.

“Yes, only for Skye’s sake,” Sasha tries to match her tone, complete with an eye roll.

“…you’re lying…”

“I’m not!”

“You’re absolutely lying. Sasha, do you know what you’re doing?”

Sasha quickly opens her mouth to argue, but slowly closes it when she realizes she doesn’t have much to argue with. She sighs quietly and drops her head. “I’m not sure actually. I’ve been so busy I haven’t had the time to actually sit down and work through anything that’s going through my head…” a pause. “Would I be stupid, Charlie?”

Charlotte’s eyebrows furrow together at the initial question. There aren’t enough specifics for her to provide an acceptable answer, but at the very same time, she’s unsure if she even wants to know that much at the moment. Instead, she decides she can only answer the question with a question. “Stupid how?”

“I mean…for letting her in like this? I mean, it’s only just a little bit, but it’s still a change, you know? With everything going on here at work, and then Skye, not to mention my own personal life is changing. You know me, I usually plan for everything. Becky kind of working her way in like this wasn’t exactly the plan and I…I guess I’m kind of freaked out that I’m not complaining? Like I said, it’s really doing wonders for Skye and it’s nice to finally feel that, I guess…”

Charlotte hesitates before echoing Sasha’s earlier sigh. “Sash I…I mean you already know what I think, and you already know what I’m gonna say. So, I guess the only thing I can really say now is…be careful? Please?” she holds up a hand when Sasha tries to interrupt her. “I know you asking me that doesn’t just stop at Skye. I’ve just…I’ve seen you okay? You’ve been happy recently, it seems like you’ve found someone great, Skye is doing really well. Seeing all of this and where you are now, I really don’t want to see you hurt again.”

“I know…”

Sasha mumbles the word, while actually she doesn’t know at all. Lately her head has just been a mass mess of confusion and what if scenarios, all of which lead back to the same night some two years ago. The same night she had cried she couldn’t do it anymore. She couldn’t be the only one trying. She couldn’t carry that weight anymore. Little did she know at the time, her actions then would only serve to make that weight even heavier in the future.

* * *

“Mommy can I ask a question?”

Sasha is brought out of her own head by the sudden question from the back seat. She briefly glances in the review mirror to Skye who is casually gazing out her window. “Seems like you just asked a question,” she responds with a slightly smug grin.

Skye, however, doesn’t think it’s funny and she immediately glares at the back of her mother’s head before holding her arms. “That’s not funny. You’re not funny.”

“What? How come? I think I’m plenty funny. Wait until you hear my knock-knock jokes,” she can’t help but laugh when Skye makes a noise of disgust and covers her ears. Still laughing, Sasha shakes her head and presses on. “I’ll save those for later then. What’s your question?”

Carefully easing her hands off her ears, Skye’s expression softens before she folds her arms again. “Is there a chance Mama is gonna come live with us again?”

Sasha is thankful they’ve been caught by a red light because she involuntarily tenses at the question. She glances in the rearview mirror again to find Skye staring back at her expectantly. “What brought this on?”

Skye shrugs her shoulders before dropping her gaze down to where she’s playing with her fingers. “I dunno…I was just wondering,” she shrugs again before looking back up. “Is there?”

Sasha feels a familiar and unwanted tightness in her throat. She eases her foot back onto the accelerator and forces herself to focus on the road while she mulls the question over in her mind. Out of all the times Skye has ever asked the question since the divorce, she’s finding this particular one to be the most difficult to answer.

“Baby…you know that we both love you very much.”

“So there’s not…” Skye murmurs quietly, so quiet that it’s nearly missed.

Sasha feels that same tightness extend itself down to her stomach and around her heart. Her insides tense unpleasantly as she processes the sadly whispered words. “Skye, I know you miss her a lot.”

Skye nods before her face contorts into a tiny frown. “Do you? Miss her at all?”

Sasha takes a shuddering breath, thankful when she finally turns onto their street. “I do sometimes, but that’s because we’ve known each other for a very long time. When you’ve known someone for that long, it’s normal to kind of miss them.”

“I think she’s sad…” Skye whispers quietly. “There’s sometimes I’ve seen her cry. It’s only sometimes and she doesn’t know I’ve seen…I’m always really quiet.”

“I…” Sasha has to take a breath as her own voice catches in her throat. “I’m sorry you’ve seen that, Baby. I wish…I wish I knew.”

“I want her to come live with us again. Maybe she won’t be sad anymore, I think.”

Sasha manages to keep herself steady long enough to guide the car into the driveway before she cuts it off. She takes a few deep breaths before she unclicks her seatbelt and turns around to case Skye completely. Her eyebrows furrow when she notices the red tinge in her daughter’s cheeks and the red rimmed glassiness in her eyes.

“Is it ‘cause of me? Is that why she can’t come?”

The question nearly breaks Sasha right then and there and she’s quick to reach out and wipe at Skye’s tears with her thumb. “Hey, I _promise_ you that it’s not because of you, okay? It’s never because of you and I don’t want you to ever think that. I know it’s confusing and very hard to understand, but we love you so much and it’s because we love you that much that we can’t live together anymore. I know it’s confusing, Baby, and one day maybe it’ll make a lot more sense when you’re older but right now I…”

Sasha has no idea how it happens or why the forces of the unknown allow it to happen, especially right now, but it does. Her voice cracks and no matter how many breaths she takes, she’s unable to recover the sudden fumble. The tears that flow down her cheeks are hot against her skin and her jaw trembles as she bites down hard on her bottom lip to keep from becoming verbal. 

With her eyes squeezed shut, she’s slightly startled by the soft hand on her face. When she opens her eyes, she finds Skye looking back at her with wide eyes full of worry. The last thing she would ever want is for her daughter to see her like this, and here she is somehow making a mess of things.

Reaching up, Sasha gently grasps Skye’s hand in her own before placing a gentle kiss to the inside of her hand. “I love you, okay? So much…” her voice is hoarse from having been silently strained for a few moments.

Skye can only nod though her words don’t come. She’s never seen her mother in such a state of vulnerability, it leaves a weird feeling behind in her stomach. She doesn’t say anything else, but it actually scares her a lot.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A bit of a filler, but an important one I think. oh and yes...Charlotte kinda sucks xD  
> Hope you all enjoyed :)


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> massive oof

******

Becky has no idea how many times she’s worked her jaw in attempt to form words. Her hands are tucked into the pocket of her jacket while she stares out over the dark waters of the marina. Speckles of light can be seen in the foreground and in the distance as boats of varying sizes continues their slow crawl across the water. The wind does its job in creating a soft breeze that causes strands of her hair to tickle her face as it blows over her shoulders.

Her hands are still feeling a little clammy, possibly from having been tucked into her pockets for so long. She doesn’t even notice that she’s been shuffling her feet before an arm slips through her own and a head is coming to rest on her shoulder. She sports a tiny smile as she ducks her head down towards her shoes.

“Seems like your friends aren’t ever really gonna come around, huh?” she tries to keep her tone light, but she’s unable to keep the faintest traits of disappointment out of her voice. 

Sasha, whose eyes are currently closed, frowns at the seemingly out-of-nowhere comment. “What do you mean?”

Becky shrugs while being mindful of Sasha leaning against her. “I mean, that dinner. None of that seemed weird to you? Things never felt a little off?”

Sasha hums quietly as she appears to be thinking and she eventually shakes her head in response. “Not anything that. We were all having a good time. I mean sure Charlotte was a little…honestly, she was just being Charlotte. That’s not really something that has anything to do with you.”

Becky frowns and shifts enough to where she can look down at Sasha full on. “Sash, we’ve been together over two years now and it still seems like they don’t like me very much. Never mind the fact, I…I dunno. It kind of reminds me of secondary school and I’m still trying to find a seat at the table or something. A table I’m not exactly sure I’m welcome at.”

Blinking several times, Sasha tries to replay the evening in her mind. She tries her best to search for anything out of the ordinary and she’s having a hard time coming up with the “off” vibe Becky had mentioned earlier. They had been having dinner with a few of her friends from law school at a slightly upscale restaurant off the marina. It was upscale but relaxing and Sasha was no stranger to the place. To her, the vibe had been nice with everyone sharing stories and laughs and she hadn’t once thought anything could possibly be wrong.

Straightening up, she turns to face Becky who appears to be having a staring match with something far out in the distance. “Baby, what brought this on?”

Becky finds herself wishing she hadn’t said anything at all, because now she has to face the music of Sasha probing until she gets something that’s acceptable enough to pass as an answer. She hadn’t been thinking when she spoke out on it just a few short minutes ago and she’s already regretting the tiny hole she feels she’s started digging for herself. “Nothing, I just don’t want you to feel like you’re slumming it, you know? Because obviously it must look like it for them to think that. Who knows, maybe they’re right? I mean, I didn’t go to law school like everybody else at that table tonight. Christ, I’ve only been here three years in general and I’m still trying to figure all that out.”

“Is that what it is? You’re feeling left out?” Sasha waits patiently and sighs when Becky doesn’t turn or respond right away. She reaches out and gently brushes some of Becky’s hair away from her face before gently stroking her cheek. “Can you look at me? Please?”

There’s a moment of noticeable hesitation before Becky actually turns her head. When she does, Sasha regards her with a gentle but concerned look. “You know you don’t have to put any extra work in to try to fit into somebody else’s mold, right? That’s not something I’m expecting you to do…or really need you to do for the matter.”

Becky bites the inside of her cheek as she searches Sasha’s eyes for something she can’t quite identify. “Why’re you with me, Sasha?” she mumbles as her words trail off into a tired sigh. Her shoulders deflate and she tries to look away once again, only to be stopped by the hand, now resting more firmly, on her cheek.

“Why are you asking me something like that?” Sasha asks with a shake of her head that resembles something of disbelief.

“Because it’s something I wanna know, I guess. You’re here and you can literally have anyone anytime anywhere, and you’re here with me. I feel like…with where you are in your life I could just end up holding you back.”

“You’re not holding me bac—”

“I’m not!? Tell me then, tell me how there’s not even the prospect of me holding you back when I feel like we’re on two totally opposite ends of the world right now. We _come_ _from_ two opposite ends of the world!”

Sasha sighs quietly through her nose while she keeps her voice even in contrast to Becky’s that only appears to raise. “You’re not hold me back and sure, maybe I could have ‘anyone anytime anywhere’ but that couldn’t be further from what I want. I just want you.”

Becky laughs, but it’s anything but humorous as she feels a familiar tightness in her chest. It’s a tightness she’s worked the past two, really three, years to combat. When she had made the spontaneous decision to pack her things and leave the only home she’s ever known, she had no idea things would be this tough and the different. Things didn’t come even relatively close to easy and it seems like plans A through Z had all fallen through and fast. Even almost three years later she still finds herself feeling like she’s drowning.

“I just don’t get why…” she mutters mostly to herself.

“Because I love you. I know right now…and when you go to this place in your head, it might seem like that’s difficult, but it’s true,” Sasha manages to maneuver her way in between Becky and the dock barricade. With her back pressing into the railing, she brings both her hands up to cup Becky’s face to keep her from looking away anymore. “Do you love me?”

Becky is almost alarmed by the question and her eyes widen immediately. “How can you ask me that? Of course, of course I love you. More than anything.”

Sasha rolls her eyes. “The same way you can ask me why I’m with you. If I love you and you love me, then nothing else should really matter, right?”

“I wish it was that easy.”

“It _can_ be that easy and one day…I really hope that you’ll see that. I don’t care who I could or couldn’t have or what other people may or may not think. I really only want you, Becky.”

Tears sting behind Becky’s eyes as she leans forward and rests her forehead against Sasha’s. “I don’t deserve you…”

“No,” Sasha is quick to place her fingers over Becky’s lips. “I need you to stop saying that because you know it’s not true. Anything or anyone that makes you feel otherwise is lying to you. Okay? Promise me you understand that.”

“I understand…I promise.”

The words are spoken quietly, and Becky doesn’t protest as Sasha gently presses her lips against her own. She doesn’t protest because she knows any argument would be almost pointless. Despite the reassurances, she can’t help but feel like that hole she’s dug has gotten so much deeper and she’s worried it will only continue to do so.

******

* * *

“You’re not gonna rat on me and tell your Mom I let you stay up late and watch scary movies, right?” Becky quirks an eyebrow in her rearview mirror, only to frown when she spots Skye smugly grinning back at her. “Skye…”

Skye’s smirk pulls tighter at the corner of her mouth. “What’s in it for me?”

Becky’s mouth falls open and right before she begins sputtering for words. “I-what-excuse me!? What do you mean ‘what’s in it for you’? There’s nothing in it for you. I’m telling you; you better not say anything.”

“What if I do?” Skye slowly tilts her head to the side as she feigns innocence. “What if I tell her?”

“Then you’ll never get to pick the movie whenever you stay with me,” Becky responds in a matter-of-fact tone.

Skye makes a show of tapping her chin before she shrugs her shoulders. “Fine. I don’t care.”

Becky’s face goes blank and for a while she doesn’t say anything. Her eyes dart between the road and the rearview mirror where Skye is sitting in her back seat nonchalantly gazing out the window. Blinking several times, Becky finally clears her throat and has to clarify if she’s heard correctly.

“You don’t care?” She tries carefully.

“I don’t care,” Skye shrugs the shoulders. “About picking the movies. I’m still gonna tell on you.”

Becky groans tiredly and momentarily tilts her head back as she silently prays to the gods and whoever else might be listening. “Who did this to you…how did you end up like this?” she mumbles mostly to herself even though she knows exactly who and why. When she looks in the mirror again, she finds Skye once again grinning at her expectantly. “What do you want, kid?”

Skye perks up. “Whenever I stay over, I don’t have a bedtime,” she sits back in her seat and folds her arms again. “And also, twenty bucks.”

Scoffing, Becky immediately rolls her eyes. “Ten bucks and you’re in the bed by at least midnight.”

“Thirty or I tell Mommy about the scary movies _and_ how almost made a fire trying to make eggs.”

With her lips forming into a tight line, Becky slows to a stop by the curb in front of the house. She kills the engine and unclicks her seatbelt before turning around to face Skye head on. Skye only matches her stare with her eyebrows raised and her arms folder. Eventually, Becky sighs irritably and begins grumbling to herself as she lifts up in her seat enough to get to her wallet that’s in her pocket.

“…can’t believe this…this is what I get…seven years old and she’s already a fucking…yeah Sasha, and _I’m_ the one leaving impressions…gimme a break,” she mutters unintelligibly. She opens her wall and pulls out a twenty-dollar bill. Before Skye can grab hold of it, Becky pulls it back and raises an eyebrow. “Do we have a deal?”

“Deal!” Skye exclaims before excitedly grabbing the bill. She then grabs her backpack before opening the door and leaping out.

Becky has to take a moment to process the fact that yes, she was just blackmailed by her seven-year-old daughter and no, she absolutely did not see it coming. “You’re a real winner, aren’t you…” she mumbles to herself while exiting her jeep.

Subconsciously she finds herself double checking herself in her reflection. She drags her fingers through her hair a few times, taming it before taking a slightly anxious deep breath. When she looks up again, she finds Skye already more than halfway up the walkway and bounding her way towards the front door. Becky chuckles quietly to herself as she grabs the rest of Skye’s belongings and follows.

“Your Mom’s gonna bite your head off one day for that,” Becky shakes her head at the way Skye is repeatedly ringing the doorbell.

“I’ll tell her you told me to,” Skye sticks her tongue out as she continues to rapidly press the button.

Becky shakes her head once again. When the locks turn and the door opens, Becky produces her usual laidback smile. Instead, that smile is gone, and she immediately frowns. Instinctively, she reaches out and places both her hands on Skye’s shoulders, protectively bringing her closer as Becky eyeballs the stranger standing in the doorway.

“Who the f—”

“Hey Ronda.”

Once again in such a short amount of time, Becky’s entire mind goes blank. She blinks rapidly and looks down at Skye who is beaming back at the strange woman. She can only stare dumbly as Skye works herself free from her hold and proceeds into the house enough where she and the stranger do some sort of complicated fist bump handshake.

Everything seems to be suddenly happening in something of a hazy slow motion. She doesn’t even realize she’s being spoken to until she’s barely aware of what looks like a hand being waved in front of her face. The jolt back into reality causes her to physically flinch and in the back of her mind, she’s instantly thankful she’s not wearing her holster.

“Whoa! Hey, sorry. You look like you kinda spaced out for a sec. You must be Becky, right?” the stranger smiles and extends her hand. “I’m Ronda.”

“Becky…” Becky mumbles back, as if that wasn’t already obvious. She goes to return the handshake but is suddenly reminded of Skye’s other bag that she’s still tightly clutching in her hands. Thankful for the momentary obstruction, she lifts the bag and clears her throat. “Do you mind if I…”

“Oh! Yeah totally. C’mon in.”

Becky isn’t exactly aware of herself telling her own feet to move but she does. Still clutching Skye’s bag tightly, she makes her way into the house and her heart immediately tightens up. The place is lit and the ceiling fan in the living room is on. The television is going in the background. She swears she can smell the faint traces of food, but she can’t be a hundred percent sure. Overall, everything is so… _warm_ and it leaves her feeling a bit queasy.

“You’ve just got me right now, Sasha had to make a quick run to the store. She planned on being back before you got here, but I guess she got a little caught up. You’re more than welcome to hang out in the meantime.”

“Yeah…” Becky’s sounds foreign even on her own ears. Her eyes shift towards the stairs where Skye has no doubt disappeared up to her room to start on whatever evening activity she had planned for herself.

Ronda shifts at the tense atmosphere and the long bouts of silence. “Well, uh, do you want anything?”

Becky’s gaze hardens and she immediately turns her attention to the other woman. “What?” the word is slightly clipped at the end. 

Ronda frowns slightly. “Like a drink or something. While you wait for…”

 _‘Whatever it is you’re waiting for,’_ Becky finishes off the phrase on her own in her head. The list of her bothers feels suddenly endless and at the very top sits this woman’s level of comfort and ease in her house.

Well, what used to be.

“I’m good,” Becky shakes it off while she takes a moment to study Ronda before slightly lifting her chin. “So…I hear you’re a marshal, yeah?”

Ronda seems slightly surprised by the inquiry. “Yeah, few years now.”

“Oh…you like it?”

“I love it. Has everything I’m looking for in a job, you know? It’s also nice being nine to five. Weekends, holidays and all that stuff.”

Becky swallows thickly while nodding absently because she can’t exactly relate. “Ah, yeah,” she attempts to laugh it off. “I wish I knew what that was like. I’m stationed out of the 1-5. I usually work five tens with a hope and a prayer that I don’t get called in to cover.”

Ronda raises her eyebrows. “Sarge right? I remember Sasha mentioning that. Shit, I can’t exactly say I envy you. The streets can be unforgiving sometimes, I’m sure.”

“Yeah well, I’m sure you have a bit of an idea.”

“Maybe. I saw a lot more crazy shit when I was out on the truck than I do now. I still hop on and help sometimes just ‘cause I miss it so much. That’s how I met Sasha, actually.”

Becky hadn’t asked and she certainly doesn’t want to know. She finds herself clenching and unclenching her fists repeatedly as her hands are starting to become a bit restless. About a thousand and one things roll through her mind at once, leaving behind a mass web of confusion she’s unable to sort through.

She’s once again so caught in her own head that she doesn’t process the sound of the door opening and closing. It startles her causing her to jump once more. When she turns around, the sight of Sasha entering the living room, causes that tightness to return in full force. Seeing Ronda light up and cross the room is enough to leave her heart dropping into the deepest depths of her stomach.

Sasha had been confused the moment she had pulled into the driveway and saw Becky’s jeep parked out front, but she hadn’t given it too much thought. She had been so focused on making sure she got dinner started on time that it wasn’t until she was through the front door that she realizes where everything went wrong. The two women had appeared to be cordial, but Sasha had picked up Becky’s tension a mile away as soon as she stepped inside.

“Hey, um…where’s Skye?” Sasha asks though her eyes are screaming something else entirely. She doesn’t have much time to react to the kiss placed on her cheek or the arm that loosely wraps around her waist.

Becky’s jaw involuntarily clenches, and she shifts her gaze towards the floor. “She went up to her room…” she mumbles. “I got here, and you weren’t here and I didn’t wanna just…” she trails off quietly, not really having that much of an idea as to what she was planning on saying after that.

Ronda’s eyes shift between the two before she’s clearing her throat. “Well if you’ve got the time, you can stay for dinner if you’d want. Skye would probably enjoy that, and we’ll have plenty of food if it’s something you’d be up for.”

“She can’t.” Sasha finds herself cutting in before she can even stop herself. “She…has work.”

“Yeah I…” Becky licks her lips to rid some of the dryness. “I’m behind on some stuff I need to take care of and I wouldn’t wanna…listen, I’m just gonna head out. I’ll be around Friday to pick Skye up from school.”

Sasha tries not to feel some type of way at the sudden deflation in Becky’s eyes and her overall demeanor. She separates herself from Ronda to follow Becky to the door. “Great. Thank you for dropping her off.”

“Yeah, no problem. Tell her…tell her I said goodnight,” Becky’s voice is quiet and almost a whisper. 

For a moment it looks like there’s more she wants to say, but the words never come no matter how badly she tries to will the past her lips. Instead, she’s closing her mouth and shoving her hands deep into her pockets. She turns her back to the door and slowly makes her way down the pathway towards her jeep as the door finally clicks shut behind her.

Slipping into the driver’s seat, she doesn’t immediately start her car. Instead, she leans her forehead against her steeling wheel while gripping it almost painfully. She takes several quiet deep breaths as she tries to get the image of Sasha not even looking at her out of her mind. It had been the first time in so long where being inside that house actually felt like a home, and yet somehow, she both entered and left feeling like a complete stranger.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i...listen it goes to show that my skills are limited in the variety department T_T i cannot hide..author exposes author. anyway, i hope you guys enjoyed this one. more to come friends :3


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ahh lucky number 13...

******

Cursing quietly under her breath, Becky puts her car into park and lets her head rest against the steering wheel. She lay there for a moment before she begins repeatedly thumping her head, the dark parts of her mind wondering just how much force it would take to bash her head through the wheel entirely. Or maybe the windshield. Or maybe something that would be more definitive entirely that will silence the pain and embarrassment she’s been forced to endure all within the past week.

Before today, Becky would’ve chuckled and waved off anyone who was overly superstitious about asking “could this get any worse” when already placed into a bad situation. Now? Becky has learned that the superstition absolutely has weight behind it, and she wouldn’t exactly call herself nothing short of a believer. In fact, when she has bitterly murmured aloud “could this get any worse”, she didn’t even once expect life to hand her a big fat “absolutely it can” like it had and so quickly.

Today was the day she had officially been forced to move out of her apartment, and if that wasn’t already bad enough, her boss at the bar she worked at decided to no notice fire her via voicemail. She hadn’t even had any grounds to argue on because it was entirely her fault to begin with. Arguably, she hadn’t been able to show up on time over the past week and a half due to life being a giant clusterfuck and Becky honestly wasn’t surprised when she opened her phone up to the little red notification left behind in her inbox. Even as it was a tiny bit expected, today of all days definitely wasn’t the day that it needed to happen.

“Fuck my life,” she murmurs tiredly while momentarily squeezing her eyes shut as she slumps in her seat and lets her head thump against the headrest.

A thought crosses her mind. She could always try to sell her car and some of her things and use what little money she could get and just move back home to Ireland. The thought of having to slump back in with family who had chided her for her spontaneous decision to leave, leaves behind a rather gross gangly feeling in her stomach. Out of all of this, that had been the one thing she had wanted; to prove to every single person who turned up their nose and scoffed that she had the potential to really make something out of herself in life. That she _could_ make it. It all just seems like, ever since she stepped foot in the States, life has had it out to make that dream blow up in her face.

Reaching into her pocket, she retrieves her phone and hesitates before thumbing through to her banking app. If it were possible, her stomach drops even further when her eyes land on the negative red balance displayed on the main screen. Immediately, her eyes squeeze shut once again, and she groans in exhaustion and frustration.

“Fuck my life!” she repeats, much louder this time as she thumps her head against her head rest.

She lets out a huff of irritation and continues to sit idle in her car, wondering if this would just be the best option for her to sleep tonight. Perhaps she’ll get lucky and catch hypothermia or something and be the human rendition of an icicle if anyone were to find her come morning. She recognizes the thought is slightly on the morbid side, and it would probably take too long for her to freeze out here anyway.

There’s a sudden tapping on her window and it leaves her scrambling. Startled, her eyes fly open and she grips onto the only thing handy that can pass as a weapon; her phone. She stares at the object in hand before turning her attention towards the source of the noise. On the other side of the glass is a man holding a flashlight. He has a gold colored badge pinned to his dark navy coat, and upon further inspection she can see the word ‘SECURITY’ printed in white across his left pocket.

Taking a moment to calm down, Becky finally gathers herself enough to roll down her window. Immediately, she’s wincing as the cold air rushes into her car. “Yeah?”

“You know you can’t sleep out here, Miss,” the guard says before shining is light into her car while being careful to avoid her eyes. “Are you a resident here?”

“Oh, ah, no actually. I just know someone who lives here.”

“Alright. Make sure whoever it is gets you a visitor’s pass, so we don’t tow you. You should probably head on up soon too. Temp’s only gonna be dropping from this point on.”

Nodding, Becky offers him a small smile and a ‘thanks’ as he wishes her a goodnight. She’s quick to roll her window up to momentarily retain a sliver of warmth before she tasks herself to set out into the night air even only momentarily. She reaches into the backseat and grabs her duffle bag before she’s exiting her car. For a moment, she laughs bitterly to herself on if she should even bother locking it. Anyone who tried to take anything would probably end up slashing her tires out of disappointment for wasting their time.

Her feet carry her towards the familiar apartment building, the cold is enough to carry her through the front door and she does her best to keep her head down and at least look like she belongs there. She forgoes taking the elevator in favor of the stairs so she can use to time she ascends the building to get her thoughts sorted out in her head.

Becky still has a slight chill to her even as she finally reaches the sixth floor. With her hands tucked deep into her jacket pockets and her bag still slung over her should, her feet begin to drag as she makes her way down. She eventually slows to a stop in front of a familiar door and her hesitation returns in full force. On instinct, she glances down at her watch and hisses when she realizes for the first time just how late or technically early it is. Suddenly, a bad idea turns into an even worse idea and she’s left thinking that maybe she would be better off heading back down to her car and parking somewhere that’s out of sight and safe enough for her to catch a few hours of sleep before she tries to think up her next plan of action.

For reasons unknown to even her, she doesn’t turn around and walk away like she knows she should. Instead, she’s lifting her hand and gently knocking on the door. She almost instantly regrets it as she takes a half step back away and tightly clutches the strap of her bag to keep from fidgeting with her hands.

It feels like hours that she’s left to stand there, and she begins to silently confirm that this was in fact a bad idea. Just as she’s about to make up her mind and leave for good, there’s shuffling on the other side of the door. Following the shuffling, there’s a momentary pause before the faint clicks of the locks being turned right before the door slowly swings open.

“Becky…?”

Sasha’s eyes are barely open as she rubs them tiredly. Her hair is piled into a messy bun at the top of her head and her oversized sweatshirt hangs loose just off of one shoulder. Before she can say anything else, she’s unable to stop herself from yawning and she reaches up to cover her mouth.

Becky immediately ducks her head and shuffles her feet. “I’m…sorry to bother you,” she mumbles, not really knowing what else to say.

“Christ, what time is it?” Sasha mumbles before shaking some of the sleepy cobwebs from her mind. Soon, she’s frowning and reaching out to grab hold of Becky’s wrist. “Come on, you’re probably freezing.”

Becky doesn’t even realize how cold she actually was until she’s entering Sasha’s apartment. Immediately, her body begins to relax into the warmth, and a quiet sigh turns into a faint shiver. Everything happens on autopilot as she’s pulled over to the couch and is guided to take a seat.

“God Baby, your hands are freezing,” Sasha points out as she slowly becomes more situationally aware. “Here take your jacket off, I’ll be right back.”

Becky does as she’s told. Even still in her long sleeve shirt, she has to wrap her arms around herself to ward off the chill from the near subzero temperatures outside. Now suddenly the prospect of freezing in her car definitely seems more like a believable plausibility.

There’s a beep from the microwave and Sasha can be heard moving around her kitchen for a few moments. When she returns, she has a steaming mug in hand and a blanket thrown over her arm. She immediately wraps the blanket tightly around Becky before she’s passing off the mug.

“Thanks…” Becky offers quietly while settling her attention to the steam coming from the mug.

“No problem,” Sasha responds, her voice just as quiet as her eyebrows slowly knit together in concern. “What’re you doing here so late?”

“I’m sorry. I should’ve called first,” Becky winces before giving a slight shake of her head. “Actually, I shouldn’t have even showed up at all. It’s super late and you were obviously asleep and now here I am ruining all of that and—”

“Hey,” Sasha is quick to cut her off. She falls silent for a moment as she takes in her girlfriend’s rigid posture and coexisting nerves as her fingers tap anxiously around the sides of the cup. “You know you’re always welcome to show up whenever. What happened?”

Becky’s jaw tenses involuntarily as this would be the first time she would have to verbally acknowledge everything that happened. “I…got kicked out of my apartment,” she mumbles before heaving a sigh. “Then my boss fired me over the phone.”

Sasha’s eyes immediately widen in alarm and her mouth falls open in shock. “Oh Becky…I’m…god, I’m so sorry.”

“Ah, I mean, it’s my own fault, I guess. I sort of let things get out of control and I thought,” Becky trails off to laugh almost mirthlessly. “I really don’t know what I thought actually. Everything just kinda happened all at once and I really didn’t have any other place to go.”

Shuffling over on the couch, Sasha gently pries the mug from Becky’s grasp before she’s reaching out to grab one of her hands in her own. She heaves a mental sigh of relief when Becky’s overall body temperature doesn’t appear to be as cold as it was when she first made it inside. “What can I do?”

Becky’s mouth opens and she finds herself struggling with her words. She hadn’t wanted to ask. Hell, she hadn’t even wanted to show up at all and put herself in the position of asking because she feels like she doesn’t have a right to. Not after everything.

“Would it be okay if I stayed here? Just for like a week so I can figure things out?” She can’t even look at Sasha as she asks.

“You don’t even have to ask for that,” Sasha shakes her head slowly. “If it’s easier, you know, it doesn’t have to be just a week? It can be longer if you need it.”

Becky almost immediately shakes her head. “No, no, a week should be fine, I just…I just need to get it all figured out.

It’s in Sasha’s nature to argue, but in the time they’ve been dating, she’s learned that at times that isn’t the easiest or best way to get through to Becky. She sighs and brings both of her hands to gently cup Becky’s face, holding her in place so she can’t look away anymore. “Just let me know how I can help, okay?”

“Sash, you’ve already done more than enough. I mean with school and everything I just…I’ll get it all figured out. I just need like a week.”

Sasha only hums quietly before a yawn overtakes her and this time, she doesn’t even try to cover it. “Well we can talk some more about it in the morning. Maybe come up with a plan,” she barely fends off another yawn before she’s giving Becky’s hand a tug as she stands up from the couch. “C’mon so we can go to bed. Bring your tea in case you feel like you’re getting cold again.”

Becky furrows her eyebrows. “I don’t wanna barge in any more than I already have. I’m fine with taking the couch.”

Sasha, who had been mid yawn, blinks slowly before turning back to see if Becky is being serious. When she finds herself only met with a look of doe eyed innocence, she can’t help but raise an eyebrow in genuine confusion. Her mouth falls open and closes a few times before she can even formulate a response.

“Becky…why would it make sense for me to have you sleep on the couch when you’ve spent the night plenty of times before? When we literally have sex?”

Becky doesn’t know why, but she’s immediately blushing and she’s thankful that it’s a tad bit too dark for Sasha to see. “Well it makes less sense when you point all that out…”

Rolling her eyes, Sasha gives her hand another firm tug. “Stop trying to be a gentleman and come to bed. It’s late and you’ve seen me when I don’t get my full nine hours.”

Becky can only laugh quietly as she takes a second to reach down and grab her bag. She allows herself to be pulled the rest of way towards Sasha’s bedroom. In the back of her mind, she can’t help but kick herself even more for ending up here. For waking the other woman up in the unforgivable hours of the morning with her mess.

Much like before, she moves on autopilot as she pulls a pair of sleep clothes from her bag. She’s left nodding her head like a slightly scolded child when Sasha all but orders her to take a shower, stating that it will help her rid herself of the rest of her chill and overall make her sleep better. When she finally finds herself under the warm torrent of water, she can’t help but feel a moment of relaxation.

The shower is so relaxing that she doesn’t even realize how long she’s been under the water. Stepping back into Sasha’s bedroom, she’s not the least bit surprised to find Sasha already curled underneath the blankets sleeping soundly. A tiny smile tugs at the corner of her lips as she still feels a little bad that she had been responsible for interrupting Sasha’s sleep in the first place.

Slipping underneath the blankets, Becky sighs quietly as her muscles immediately relax on their own against the mattress. With her eyes having closed and she begins to drift off, she’s barely aware of the faint shuffling to her right until there’s the feeling of warm breath against her neck. She cracks an eye open and glances down to find that Sasha has turned over and tucked herself comfortably underneath her chin. She eventually relaxes even further and wraps her arms around her girlfriend, content with the comfortable sleep she’s able to get for the night.

******

* * *

“Becky…hey? Uh…Becky?” A pause. “Hey! Lynch!”

Becky physically jumps from the sudden jerk to her shoulder. She blinks several times and takes in her surroundings. The bar is busy and bustling, music playing underneath the low roar of people enjoying their evening. A large part of her envies them, for being able to come out and at least pretend enough to forget their problems and relax. _Relax_. It’s been so long that she’s unsure if she even knows the meaning of the word anymore.

“Hey…”

Becky looks up towards the soft voice to find Bayley watching her with a decent level of concern. “Huh?”

Bayley slowly raises her eyebrows before nodding her head. “It’s your shot.”

Blinking again, Becky is reminded of the cue stick she has in hand. Sighing quietly, she shifts around the billiards table and moves to line up her next shot. She readjusts herself once, twice, and then three times before she’s sighing again and shaking her head.

“Bay, I really don’t know…” she says out of nowhere. She straightens up and plans her cue stick on the floor before she’s leaning against it like a crutch. “I really don’t fucking know anymore.”

This time, it’s Bayley who’s blinking absently as she waits for a further explanation. When she doesn’t get one, she carefully presses on. “Okay…” she draws out the word. “What is it you don’t know?”

“I mean I don’t know what I’m doing!” Becky’s sudden exclamation is nearly loud enough to be heard over the music. She groans irritably while dragging a hand through her hair. “I’m trying everything. _Literally_ everything thing and it all just seems like…”

“Becky, I don’t…”

“It just all seems like none of that matters to the rest of the world! To _life_! I’m trying so fucking hard and it’s like at every turn there’s something else and I can never seem to catch any sort of a break!”

“I’m sorr—”

“When is it gonna be my time, huh? When can I finally just catch a fucking break so I can breathe for five damn seconds and I’m not left waiting for the next clusterfuck to happen!? Seems like the only thing this world has been good for is taking and taking and taking and for once I just…I just want to be able to wake up and not hate myself you know? I just want _one day_. Why can’t I ever get that? Is it because I don’t deserve it? Who gets to decide that? Why isn’t it ever enough?”

Bayley’s mouth opens and closes several times as she tries to work out what to say. She’s pretty much only seen her friend like this once before and she can pinpoint that moment so vividly, she doesn’t have to do much searching to kind of conclude what this all might be about. Still, she doesn’t want to infer or take away from anything that Becky might need to say.

Leaning her own stick against the table, she slowly makes her way around to stand next to Becky who has rigidly braced herself against the table’s edge. “Do you wanna tell me what’s going on.”

Becky hesitates with her hands involuntarily gripping the edge of the table. “I met Sasha’s…” she trails off and shakes her head. “I don’t even know what they are, but…they seem pretty close.”

“Sasha’s…?” Bayley echoes aloud before it dawns on her and her eyes widen momentarily. “Oh.”

“Yeah, ‘oh’…”

“Ah, I remember you mentioned she was dating, but I didn’t know how serious it was.”

Becky snorts almost bitterly. “It seems pretty serious. She’s over at the house, _comfortably_. Sasha trusts her enough to expect me to leave Skye there with her. Even…Skye seems to like her a lot and it looks like they get along great.”

Bayley winces as she can practically hear the hurt in the other woman’s voice. “Jesus, Beck…I’m sorry.”

“And the worst part is, I just had to meet her _right now_. Right now, when it seemed like I was starting to get everything on track,” Becky pushes off of the table and straightens up before turning to face Bayley full on. “Sasha and I…we’ve been talking, Bay.”

“Talking? Like… _talking_ , talking?”

“No, I mean like,” Becky huffs irritably as she tries to properly put together her words. “I mean like, talking more than we ever have been since we’ve split. She’ll let me call to say goodnight to Skye and then sometimes we’ll just get caught up talking, you know?” she pauses to laugh sadly. “One night we got carried away and it was almost two am before we got off the phone. It wasn’t even about anything heavy it was just work and stories about Skye. Stuff like that. It was all just…so easy, you know?”

Bayley only hums quietly. “It’s natural…” she doesn’t say it as a question, but more of a quiet statement of offering.

Becky only nods, because if any word could be used to describe everything she’s felt, it’s natural. Things aren’t forced and awkward like they had been for so long. She’s found herself wanting and willing to smile more. It’s less difficult for her to get out of bed in the morning. It’s all just been so _natural_ that for once she felt like it was all still worth it.

“I don’t know what I can do…” she whispers.

Biting her lip, Bayley hesitates for a moment before heaving a sigh. “I don’t know dude, I mean. I know this might not exactly be what you want to hear, but maybe the timing was right? Meeting the girlfriend and all. Maybe it was to catch you before you fall in too deep again. Could be a sign pointing you to try something new.”

Becky frowns as she tries to process the words. “Something new?” she repeats back. “What does that even mean?”

Bayley shrugs. “I mean, I don’t know. Maybe do what Sasha’s doing? I’m not telling you to rush into anything, but maybe it could do you some good to maybe start to…I don’t know, look at maybe moving on?”

“Moving on,” when Becky repeats the words, they hold a bitter connotation and she makes a face almost as if speaking the words had physically left a bad taste in her mouth. “Because it’s just that easy right? It’s just something I can wake up and decide to do? It’s just that fucking easy!”

Her anger isn’t directed at Bayley specifically, but more so the overall daunting situational circumstances that have served to do nothing but keep her awake at night. Above all else, she’s angry at herself. Angry for letting things get to this point and this bad. Angry for being too stupid to see the signs early on. Angry for letting the one thing that means the most to her in her life slip through her fingers. Angry for being an overall fuck up.

“It’s not like I can just take everything and wrap it all up and forget. It’s not like I can just sit back and let it all go when I—” she has to pause as her throat tightens and her voice cracks on its own volition. When she looks up at her friend, she suddenly has tears stinging harshly in her eyes and she doesn’t blink for fear of them falling, even though the sudden wavering in her voice speaks volumes.

“I can’t let it all go when I love them both so much. When I love _her_ so fucking much and I literally don’t even want to think about wanting somebody else. The both of them they…they’re my family. They’re all I have and I just really wanna fix it ‘cause I’ve hurt them both so bad. I did this. I put myself here and I know I don’t have the right to ask, but god, I just want the chance to fix it. I need to.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh man...not sure why this one was kinda tough but it was. anywho, until next chapter friends. thanks for reading :)


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahhh this one's a long one...

******

Becky is nearly biting through her lip as she stares at the paper slip in her hand. Her cheeks have turned a dark red and her stomach is doing a repetitive series of flips before sinking to the very depths. It’s something that reminds her of the short few times she’s had the unfortunate pleasure of being seasick or being strapped into a bad rollercoaster that’s never ending and no matter how hard she tries, she can’t seem to break the restraints to get off the ride. She’s only left idle to watch the exit platform pass by in a blur.

The paper is shaking slightly as her hands continue to tremble. The action is enough to make the words on the page nearly illegible, but she doesn’t need to read them to know exactly what it is. She knew exactly what it was as soon as the opened envelope had been dropped into her lap. Her eyes had immediately gone wide and her throat try as she had to almost mental will her hands to respond.

She hasn’t much moved from her spot on the couch. She’s still slightly hunched forward with her elbows propped on her knees. Her jaw is pulled tight while her teeth are clenched so tight for anyone else the action would be considerably painful.

The air in the room is about as tight as her jaw. From her burning gaze at the paper, she can still see her girlfriend standing in her peripheral and she can’t quite bring herself to look up. She honestly has no idea how long the both of them have been perfect renditions of statues, but if she had to guess she would think it’s been a good while.

“Sash, I…” Becky wets her lips. “I was gonna…”

“Tell me?” Sasha finishes off with her eyebrows raised high. “Were you really?”

“I-I was! I just…” Becky trails off and shakes her head before finally looking up. When she does, she can’t help but involuntarily flinch when she finds Sasha staring at her with a look, not of anger, but of disappointment. To Becky, the latter is somehow worse than the former. “I was gonna try to figure it out and then I just…I don’t know.”

Sasha sighs quietly as moves across the living room and there’s very little resistance as she takes the paper from Becky. She stares at it for a moment before she’s sighing again. “Beck, this is…a lot of money.”

Becky winces while forcefully rubbing at the side of her neck. “I know…”

“You really should’ve told me…”

“I _know_ …”

“Then why didn’t you?”

Becky can only shake her head. “I don’t know…” she mumbles back. It had actually been the exact same question she’s asked herself far too many times. In truth, a lot of those questions had started off with the word ‘how’ and she just had a hard time trying to move anywhere beyond that.

Feeling Sasha’s gaze on her leaves her feeling incredible small and her shoulders drop. She’s almost instinctively curling in on herself as if the action alone would be enough for her to retreat into the couch and disappear completely. Eventually she closes her eyes and takes a deep breath to speak, but for some reason she can’t get the words to manifest into something comprehensible.

It had been a hell of a ride this past month and a half and she hates nothing more than the fact that it’s gone by this fast. She honestly feels like the rug has been swept out from under her with zero warning. With everything having happened so fast, that also meant she had a lot less time to prep for anything.

“When did it happen?”

Becky gives a half shrug and shakes her head before shrugging again. “About a month ago…” she mumbles, once again finding herself unable to meet her girlfriend’s eyes.

This time, Sasha’s sigh is much heavier as she takes a seat on the opposite end of the sofa. “Why didn’t you tell me? Not just about this, but about all of it? Why didn’t you tell me you were struggling?”

“Because…” Becky drags out the word into a grown and covers her face as her cheeks flare red. “You’ve already got your own stuff and then there’s me, and I don’t…I thought I could do it.”

Sasha watches Becky in silence for a long time with her eyebrows knit together. It leaves her feeling incredibly uneasy that she can feel the tension and anxiety practically radiating off of the other woman in waves, and she silently curses at herself for not noticing sooner. Surely there could have been some sort of sign that should have tipped her off a lot sooner. Usually, she’s pretty privy to these kinds of things. Then again, there are a lot of times, especially recently, where she’s had a hard time getting a read on Becky at all.

“I think…” she momentarily bites her lip while trying to calculate what exactly it is she wants to say and how she wants to say it. “Baby, I really wish…I know you have it in your head that you have to do everything yourself, but you don’t. Becky, you don’t have to do that. I’m here to help you, you know that.”

“This was different, I guess. This was…I needed to do this; and I tried! God, I tried so fucking goddamn hard, but it all just…” Becky is having a hard time completing and continuing any of her thoughts as they all run through her head at lightning speed. Eventually, she finally unclenches her hands and slightly angles her head in Sasha’s direction. “I think I’m too stupid for this…”

Sasha’s eyes widen in alarm and she’s very quickly shaking her head. “Becky, you’re not stupid.”

Becky only snorts bitterly in response. “That’s what this is, right? This happened because I’m too stupid. I tried my damndest with everything, and I was just…I got so bogged down working extra shifts at the bar to keep up with my rent and it was super hard to do that and study, and I don’t know. Suddenly everything got extra hard and I tried to come back from it and for a while I thought I could and then midterms happened and there just wasn’t enough time!”

“Baby…”

“And it’s not like it’s gonna get any easier, you know? If anything, I’ve made everything here worse and just fucked it all up even more.”

“Beck…”

“And I’m not _you_ Sasha, okay? It’s not the same for me! I’m not smart like you to just get everything paid for, I didn’t come up with money or anything like that. Losing that scholarship was the only thing I had because at least that was helping! Now I literally don’t have anything!”

Though she wasn’t yelling, her voice still somehow hangs heavy in the room. It’s the first time she’s found herself actually looking at Sasha directly. Her shoulders quickly rise and fall with the way her chest is heaving. There’s a sharp stinging behind her eyes and she once again clenches her fists tightly. It isn’t until she’s able to read the traces of hurt left behind in Sasha’s eyes that she even realizes a fraction of what she’s just said.

“Sash I didn’t mean…”

“No I get it…” Sasha shakes it off, even though her expression is still a little hurt. “I know you’re trying and you’re doing everything you can. Sometimes, it’s okay to ask for help.”

Becky slowly shakes her head. ‘Ask for help’. She feels like that’s something she’s done an overabundance of since she got here. She doesn’t want to keep asking. She shouldn’t _need_ to. Look at everyone around her, she knows she should be a lot farther in life than she is. What she wouldn’t give to wake up worrying about what the fuck could come next.

“I’ll just withdraw. I’m probably gonna end up flunking out anyways, why prolong it and make stuff even harder for you?”

Sasha is quiet for a good moment before she says anything. “Do you think you could do it?”

Becky shrugs her shoulders and throws her hands up in defeat. “I thought I could, but I don’t know anymore!”

“Well, I think you can and…” she looks down at the paper in her hands and takes a deep breath. “I mean this is a lot, but I think we can make it work. I can pick up some extra hours, maybe a second job—”

“Sasha, no—” Becky tries to cut in after her eyes have immediately gone wide.

“No, no, listen…” Sasha scoots over on the couch and slowly reaches out to grab hold of one of Becky’s hands. She has to tighten her grip when Becky immediately tries to pull away. “Look, we can make this work okay? I’ll figure out a way to come up with the extra money, and you can keep focusing on school. I don’t think you’re stupid, I think that you just need help and we can look at studying together, maybe tutoring if we need to go that route, but…Becks I think you got this and I really want you to finish.”

While listening to Sasha’s words because has been shaking her head the entire time. This is the last thing she wanted. The exact opposite of what she wanted or even needed. Things somehow managed to get worse for her and here she is somehow making it even worse for Sasha as well. She shouldn’t even be surprised at herself anymore.

“I don’t want you to do that…” she mutters as her eyes once again fall downcast. “I don’t want you to…”

“Well, I’m going to,” Sasha’s voice is firm as she reaches out and cups the side of Becky’s face before turning her head so they’re finally making solid eye contact. “I love you, okay? You know that. You _know_ that, Becky. I’m going to help because I know you’d do the same for me.”

Becky would do more than that. She would give this girl the world in the palm of her hand if she had the means to do so. Hell, at the very least she wishes she could afford something nicer than a just a dinner. Maybe one of those nice necklaces directly from the display where the man behind the counter has to open it with a key and watch you closely while you marvel at it outside of the case. Something she’d be excited to purchase and proud to present.

Sasha can see that Becky is getting lost in her own head. Scooting over more on the sofa, they’re sitting close, side-by-side, as she wraps her arms around Becky’s mid, and rests her cheek against her shoulder. “How are you with your roommates and everything?”

Becky’s huff is almost as mirthless as it is self-deprecating. “I’m good on rent and stuff…” she mumbles, knowing for a fact that’s what Sasha was asking. It had to have been given everything that has just unfolded.

“You know, you can move in with me? Make it easier…”

“I can’t afford half the rent here…”

“Becky you wouldn’t have to…”

“But I would. Okay? I just…I would. I can’t keep taking stuff from you like this.”

Sasha can only sigh and shake her head. “It’s not taking…” 

Judging by the silence she receives in return she can’t be a hundred percent sure if her words have even gotten through. It’s all she can do but to sigh once again before resting her head back on Becky’s shoulders. She hesitates for a moment before she’s interlacing their fingers and she’s thankful this time when Becky doesn’t pull away. It’s not much but given the circumstances it’s about all she can do right now to try and ease the tension.

******

* * *

Her nerves are usually high and that’s because she knows for a fact she’s not supposed to be here. The fact that she’s even here at all should be a giant red flag. She already has really loud alarm bells going off in her head; the same alarm bells that have been going off since she up and made this spontaneous decision pretty early in the day.

The tie around her neck feels like it’s the equivalent of a noose and she’s sure there’s some level of dark humor in there somewhere. No matter how many times she exhales, each concurrent inhale proves to be exceedingly more difficult to muster. A few times on her way from the parking lot, she’s found herself nearly coughing as it feels like her throat is tightening against her will.

Huffing quietly, Becky finds herself hesitating just outside the venue. She knows this is a bad idea. There’s a voice in her mind that keeps chanting over and over again that this is probably one of the worst ideas she’s had in a long time if not ever. To her, that’s pretty fucking outstanding seeing as she chalks her entire life up into being one giant bad idea.

Before she can make the decision to turn on her heel and run away, she takes a calming breath of courage before she’s slipping through the glass double doors. In all honesty, she’s surprised that there isn’t someone stationed at the very front checking and even double checking in thorough detail who’s even welcomed in and out. She had brought her badge just in case she needed it, but the lone security guard holed up just a little bit inside the doorway only gives her a quick once over before nodding his head.

There are people milling about here in there, all dressed down in garb that she’s sure would nearly cost her an entire two week’s pay. Maybe even more. She’s thankful they don’t much as give her a second glance as she walks by. She overhears just a snippet of their conversation and can’t help but mentally roll her eyes at how canned and fake it all sounds.

Eventually, Becky comes to what looks like a ball room that’s bene converted into a gala space. There are white topped tables everywhere, men in tuxedo vests walking around with trays, and people are scattered everywhere talking and milling about while an orchestra plays softly in one of the far corners. She’s always tried her best to avoid stuff like this if not for the sheer atmosphere alone, and on this night she’s absolutely reminded why.

The district attorney election had happened earlier in the evening and when the results were announced, Becky just knew there had to be something akin to this scheduled for later. It only took a small amount of investigating for her to find out she was right and from there she didn’t give herself much time to contemplate the decision. She was thankful her suit was hanging pressed in her closet after last time she wore it and she was all but throwing herself into the shower to get ready.

She grabs a glass of champagne off the tray of one of the passing waiters before she causally works her way around the outer portions of the room. From where she is, she has a pretty decent view of everything and everyone, but still with the area being so packed, it’s kind of difficult to pick through everybody.

“Hey Sarge! Long time no see!”

The exclamation is jarring, and Becky finds herself slightly lifting her glass and nodding a forced smile to a group of people she doesn’t exactly recognize. She doesn’t take too much time to look at their faces good because she knows if she looks at them too long, they’ll start asking questions. They’ll start wondering what the hell she’s even doing here when she doesn’t have any connections much less any business being here in the first place.

For the most part, she remains unnoticed on the edge of the room. It’s nothing but a crowded room of empty people. From one person to the next, they all look like cardboard copies. Puppets with preprogramed responses that don’t at all feel genuine. She feels like she’s in one of those movies where everyone is a varying shade of grey and she’s the odd one that sticks out in a blaring neon.

As another waiter passes by, Becky deposits her recently emptied glass on the tray while simultaneously grabbing a new once. She takes a big gulp from the glass, nearly downing the contents in one go. Raising the glass to eye level, she can’t help but cast a glare at the bubbly liquid as she silently curses it for not being anywhere near strong enough.

Movement out of the corner of her eye catches her attention, and immediately her eyebrows are slowly threatening to lift right off her forehead. She slowly lowers her glass and just barely has enough wherewithal to not let the damn thing slip from her fingers. If it hadn’t felt like her tie was threatening to cut off her airways before, it certainly does now.

Becky would have absolutely remembered if she had ever seen _that_ dress before. It’s a flowing black number that fall off one shoulder and hugs tight in all the right places. Even in this lighting, she can tell from where she’s standing that the material is an expensive satin that transitions into an embroidered lace around the bare shoulder. A long train of satin falls over the other shoulder and merges elegantly with the rest of the dress.

Her own brain has to kick her and make her realize just how hard she’s staring. Doing a quick once over of the room, she’s honestly surprised she’s the only one staring this intently. Her eyes fall back on the woman in question and suddenly she’s transported back to so many years ago where she would’ve balked at anyone telling her she would ever have a chance.

The tightness in her throat is now accompanied by a sudden dryness when the object of her gaze laughs and Becky knows she doesn’t have to be any closer than she is to know exactly what it sounds like. Her heart sinks when Becky realizes she hasn’t heard that laugh and seen that smile in quite some time. She would know from anyone what it looks like and what it sounds like, but to experience it? To have that experience is something in a whole other universe.

Becky is brought out of her own reverie when she takes in everything in its entirety. It’s a small group of four or five, and Becky’s eyes are no longer on the woman who’s been occupying both her dreams and her nightmares. Instead, her eyes land on the woman she’s only met once and if anyone was asking, once was definitely enough.

Becky’s eyebrows furrow as she takes in how the other woman practically commands the attention of the group. They all appear to be listening and nodding with interest. She has an arm casually around the waist of the woman at her side while her other hand moves in animation to go along with whatever story she’s telling.

There are laughs here and there and Becky nearly finds herself needing to look away as everyone in the vicinity seems to be captivated. Including the exact woman she’s had her eyes on for the past several minutes. Her insides seize tightly as she continues to take in how close the duo is and the aura of relaxation between the two.

Just as her gaze is threatening to waver, she spots the exact moment the two exchange a brief word before Sasha breaks away. Becky’s eyes track her for a long moment, following her every move as she effortlessly moves through the crowd. Seeing her head towards a refreshment table, Becky knows that this is probably going to be her one and only chance.

Her nerves are bad and her hands otherwise clammy as she smooths her hands over her suit and drags her fingers through her hair as she cautiously approaches the table. She lingers idle for a moment, just taking in the other woman as she browses the dessert table. For a moment, Becky nearly forgets the English langue as she tries to come up with something to say that won’t leave her looking like a complete idiot.

“Hey…”

It’s not the most articulate thing in the world, but for Becky, anything that’s an actual word can be considered a complete win.

Sasha’s hand pauses about halfway towards the pastry she had been reaching for. A frown causes a crease in the center of her forehead and she blinks absently for several seconds as if she’s trying to process something in her mind. Her fingers slowly curl away from the pastry and she just barely angles her head to the side, frown only deepening when her eyes land on the woman standing just a few feet away.

“Becky…?”

Becky momentarily loses the words she had settled on her lips and she only manages to initially lift a hand in a hesitant and awkward wave. “Hey…” she repeats, subtly shaking her head when she realizes that’s something she’s already said.

Sasha straightens up, her eyes momentarily narrowing. “What are you doing here?” she asks with something of confusion mixed with conviction layered in her tone. Before she can receive an answer, her eyes are suddenly widening. “Wait, what are you doing here??? Where’s Skye!?”

Becky’s eyes also widen in alarm and she’s immediately holding out her hands. “No, it’s okay! Someone’s watching her—”

“What do you mean someone!? Who the hell do you have watching my kid—”

“Sash, it’s just Bayley!” Becky exclaims, quickly shaking her head as she realizes she’s losing control over a situation she’s not sure she had any stake in in the very first place. “She’s with Bayley, it’s okay. She loves Bayley.”

Sasha ponders this before she appears to relax, but it’s only a fraction. She’s still slightly coiled as she goes back to her original line of confusion. “Either way, why is she with Bayley? Why are _you here?_ ”

Becky’s hands fall to her sides as she realizes she doesn’t exactly have an answer. “I don’t know. I wanted to see you and I knew this was going on and I just…”

“Why would you even know that? Becky, you’re not even making any sense.”

“No! I know, I’m not and I get that this probably isn’t the best place, but I just…” Becky trails off and huffs as she becomes frustrated with herself. Anyone listening to her now would think she actually learned how to talk yesterday. “I wanted to see you, okay? I don’t have anything to say beyond that. We were talking a lot recently and then suddenly we just weren’t, and I just wanted to make sure everything was okay.”

Sasha’s eyes momentarily fall downcast. “I’ve been busy…” she murmurs quietly. She appears to be thinking, warring at herself internally against words she can’t and probably won’t ever say.

Instinctively, Becky nods and shoves her hands into her pockets. “Yeah, I noticed…” she mumbles under her breath.

Whether it was meant to be heard or not, it was. Sasha’s conflicted look instantly returns to her cold stare before she looks up to level Becky with a look of pure ice. “Sorry, just what do you mean by that exactly?”

“I don’t mean anything by it, I was just saying,” Becky shrugs with her hands still in her pockets as she nonchalantly nods her head in another direction of the room. “You look like you’ve been busy.”

Sasha rolls her eyes. “We aren’t doing this tonight. I don’t know why you’re here. From the looks of it _you_ don’t even know why you’re here. I’m not about to stand here and let you make me feel bad because you’re jealous.”

Becky mimics Sasha’s action by rolling her eyes. “I’m not trying to make you feel bad,” her face contorts into a frown. “And I’m definitely not jealous.”

“Oh? Then why are you acting so bothered by the fact I’ve been ‘busy’,” Sasha air quotes the words with her fingers before scoffing. “You know, for someone who’s been bugging me about spending more time with Skye, you’re really not seemingly like you’re taking that seriously.”

“Sasha, don’t…” Becky knows the words were intended to cut deep and to an extent they do, but she shakes it off. “I don’t want to fight tonight. I really did want to see you because I…”

“Because you what, Becky?”

“Because I miss you! God, I miss you, okay? So fucking much that I’m tired of sitting here acting like I don’t,” Becky roughly drags a hand through her hair. “I knew I took a chance by coming here. I didn’t know you’d be here with…look, I’m tired of doing this okay? I’m tired of acting like there isn’t something here anymore and deep down I think that you are too.”

Sasha’s jaw has pulled tight and her body language goes rigid. “You’re delusional…”

Becky sighs and tilts her head back. “Come on don’t…don’t tell me that, because I know. I _know_ , okay? I know that it’s not just because of Skye that we’ve started talking again. We’ve been split over two years now. It’s _always_ been about Skye. So I need you to tell me, what’s changed now?”

“Nothing’s changed, Becky…”

“Bullshit! It has and you _know_ it has. You just don’t wanna admit it!”

Sasha quickly looks around before glaring back at Becky who has gotten a lot closer than she had been only a few moments ago. “Can you not!? My entire office is here! My _boss_ is here!” she hisses through clenched teeth.

“I don’t care about where we are! This isn’t about imaging right now! This is about you not telling my why suddenly it’s all changed! Why you’ve let me again!”

“Becky, you need to stop! I’m telling you nothing has changed. I’ve been cordial with you because it’s been what’s best for Skye, but that’s _all_ it is!”

Becky reaches out and gently grabs hold of Sasha’s wrist as she tries to walk away. “What about you letting me call? All those times where that had absolutely nothing to do with Skye? Where we stayed up well past midnight with you telling me about what cases you’re working on or how much your boss rides your ass? When you told me you wish you could just take a step back sometimes and focus on being the best mom you can be? All that time you were opening up and you didn’t even realize it. What about all of that wasn’t different?”

Sasha had been staring hard at the fingers wrapped around her wrist while Becky’s rant filtered in and out of her ears. Her jaw had ticked in a brief bout where her mask had momentarily slipped. Admittedly, things _had_ been different, and that’s something that’s left her feeling nauseous and too terrified to explore.

“Let me go,” she whispers even as she makes no notion to move.

Becky relaxes her grip, but she doesn’t let go. Not this time. She’s spent far too much time being content with the mistake of letting go. “Not until you tell me…” she responds, her voice just as quiet.

For a while, it feels like they’re the only two people in the room. Everything around them fades away akin to the action of turning down a radio. Becky can only hold her gaze as she tries her best to decipher the emotions playing out behind Sasha’s eyes.

_‘I’m not letting go. I need you to tell me.’_

“Is…everything okay?”

Becky’s eyes slip closed and a near silent huff escapes through her nose. When she opens her eyes again, she finds that Ronda has joined them, cautiously and curiously looking between them both. Becky involuntarily finds herself clenching her jaw once again.

“Sasha…is everything okay?” Ronda repeats a bit more firmly, though her eyes haven’t left the way Becky is still holding on to Sasha’s wrist.

Sasha gives a small tug, freeing herself from Becky’s now nonexistent hold. “Everything’s fine we were just—”

“Talking,” Becky cuts in quickly as her eyes don’t leave Sasha. She straightens up a bit and turns her attention to Ronda who is watching her with a raised eyebrow, no doubt relating to the interruption. “Sasha and I were talking.”

Sasha can feel the tension between the two women, and she sighs quietly to herself because she knows no matter what she says, there’s very little she could do about it. She easily recognizes the way Becky has immediately gone rigid and a subtle brush of their arms easily reveals Ronda’s own tension.

“We were done talking,” Sasha shakes her head as she takes a small half step to try and leave and defuse the situation.

“No, we weren’t done talking,” even Becky is momentarily shocked by the firmness in her own voice, but she holds her ground. “We weren’t.”

By now, both of Ronda’s eyebrows are raised high as she slightly tilts her head in an action as if asking if she heard that right. “It really sounds like you were.”

Becky immediately frowns. “We weren’t. We were actually in the middle of a conversation. So, if you don’t mind—”

“Yeah, I do actually.”

Blinking, Becky shakes her head before snorting bitterly as she turns her attention back to her rather silent ex-wife. “Sasha, are you serious right now?”

“Hey,” Ronda’s voice has gone firmer as she steps in front of Sasha, cutting off Becky’s line of contact. She then motions a finger back and forth between herself and Becky. “Now? You and I are talking and now _I’m_ telling you that you and Sasha are done.”

Becky’s hands clench involuntarily, and she feels a fire start to burn in the depths of her stomach. “That’s not a decision you get to make.”

“Yeah well, you also don’t get to put your hands on her, but you did, so…” Ronda’s eyes narrow. “I think it would be best for everyone standing here right now, if you left.”

Her fists are balled so tight it’s painful. She knows people are probably watching and that’s the very last thing she gives a single damn about right now. She doesn’t even care about the woman directly in front of her who looks about three seconds from separating her head from her shoulders. The only thing she cares about is the love of her life and mother of her child who even now, still can’t look at her long enough to provide an answer. To Becky, that’s how she fucking knows.

“Sasha, please…” her voice is pleading as she tries to take another step forward only to be stopped by a firm hand at her shoulder. She stares at the hand before looking back up with a glare of her own. “Don’t you fucking touch me.”

“Don’t give me a reason to. You can either leave now, or I can help you leave.”

Becky runs through a series of scenarios in her mind and all of which end with some catastrophic result of her embarrassing Sasha, causing a scene, and probably even doing something that could cause her some trouble at her own job. The hairs on the back of her neck had already been standing up from the fact that she knows people are watching and stealing glances at the bare minimum.

Knocking Ronda’s arm away gives her a small amount of validation. She straightens her jacket and lifts her chin while continuing to stare the other woman down. “Only if _she_ tells me to leave.”

The words linger heavily in the air and suddenly Sasha is left wishing that the floor would open up and suck her beneath the earth’s surface. She had immediately felt the shift in atmosphere as soon as Ronda had joined them, and things only seemed to become even more volatile by the second. She was having a pretty decent evening before now.

It’s all too much. It’s way too fucking much with the amount of eyes on her and the weight pressing down so heavily onto her shoulders that she feels like she’s being crushed. She looks between the two women and eventually shakes her head as her mouth steps closed and she’s quickly removing herself. Her eyes are stinging almost painful as she quickly rushes off in the direction of what she hopes is a restroom.

Becky’s hardened gaze falls and she tries to react instantly. “Sash—” she tries to follow but growls when she’s once again grabbed, and this time held in place. She quickly spins around and gives Ronda a firm shove before getting directly in her face. “I’m not gonna tell you again not to fuckin’ touch me.”

Ronda scoffs and an almost bitter smile tugs at the corner of her lips. “I really dare you to try something right now. Give me a reason to kick your ass in front of everybody standing here,” the smile is suddenly gone. “You’ve done enough for tonight. Just leave Sasha alone, get out of here, and go home to your kid.”

Something about those words trigger something in Becky and while she doesn’t relax, she does find herself easing back just a bit. Her gaze softens and she looks to the floor while she mentally chastises herself for letting things get to this point. A voice in her head asks her what would happen if Skye saw her like this. The thought makes her a bit queasy.

Clenching and unclenching her fists several times, she risks a glance towards the direction Sasha had disappeared in. She so badly wants to follow. To open her mouth and her heart and pour out an apology of not only for her behavior to night, but for everything she’s let happen over the years. She wants to apologize for being the cause of them ending up here in the first place.

Her shoulders drop slightly as she takes a few steps back. She doesn’t even spare Ronda a second glance as she’s quickly brushing past and heading towards the exit while keeping a hand tangled tightly in her own hair. It’s the only thing she can do to keep herself from shaking and turning around and doing something she know will make things worse in both the short and long run.

The walk to her jeep leaves her alone with a hurricane of thoughts running through her mind. Once in her driver’s seat, she lets her head fall against the wheel while taking a series of deep breaths in an attempt to calm herself. Even though she’s alone the storm in her head doesn’t stop. No matter how hard she tries, it doesn’t ever seem to stop. The only thing she wants is an answer and, in her mind, she knows she can’t just let go. Not again. Not until she has one.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A bit of a loaded chapter here...thank you guys for your support on this story. Hope to see you along for the ride in the next chapter :)


	15. Chapter 15

******

It took Sasha a lot longer than she would have liked to find a parking spot. Well…it took her longer than she would have liked to find a _decent_ parking spot. She’s not incredibly familiar with this part of town. If she’s being honest, she can probably count on one hand the number of times she’s actually been over here.

The apartment building is much different from her own. There’s no lobby or elevator or anything like that. Hell, Sasha is still wondering in the back of her mind if it was a good idea for her to leave her car down in the parking lot. Sure, it was an actually parking lot and she _hopes_ that there are cameras, but there was something about the group that was hanging out a little too close to the cars in the lot. When she had gotten out of her car, she had tried to act like nonchalant to their presence while simultaneously triple checking to make sure she had actually locked her car.

Upon her arrival, the sun has just dipped below the horizon, painting the sky a dark navy with just barely visible light dusting of orange along the edges. Climbing the stairs proves to be a little more of an adventure than she would have anticipated. Around midway up the second flight of stairs she finds herself having to slip past another group who’s opting to use the stairwell as their hangout spot. Even while offering her quiet ‘excuse me’, Sasha’s nose is wrinkling at the stench of day-old alcohol mixed with cigarette smoke. Her eyes roll on their own accord when she’s gifted a set of whistles and catcalls as she passes by.

It isn’t until she’s going up the third and final stairwell that her foot catches and she’s nearly spilling out completely across the landing. She hisses as her knee catches the edge of the top step, but there’s no damage beyond that. She finds herself incredibly thankful she had closed her purse otherwise she’s sure it’s contents would have gone everywhere. The clowns just one floor down from her would’ve loved that, she’s sure of it.

Dusting herself off, she makes her way down the empty and rather eerie feeling open breezeway. The only sources of light aren’t all that reliable as they’re blinking something so terrible that Sasha momentarily wonders if they’re about to blink out on her all together. The thought of being left here in the dark makes her heart speed up just a bit.

Sasha is relying on her own memories from an old text thread as she comes to a stop in front of a door. From the other side of the door, rock music is blaring so loudly that she’s actually left wincing against the uncomfortable intrusion on her own ears. She lifts a hand and hesitantly knocks with what she hopes is enough force to be heard.

Apparently, it wasn’t enough because she’s left to idle out in the breeze way. Huffing quietly, she raises her fist and knocks once again, this time with a bit more force and for a longer extended period of time. She steps back once again as she can tell that the music is turned down just a hair even though that still doesn’t do much for her default look of distaste. When the door swings open, Sasha’s distasteful look immediately contorts into a frown of confusion as she’s met with a shirtless dude she’s never seen before.

“Um…”

The guy, who has a half crushed beer can in one hand and a lit cigarette in the other eyes her with the same matching confusion for a moment before he grins showing off a greasy set of teeth. “Well hey there…”

“Um…” Sasha says again as she reactively takes a half step back. “Sorry, I was…looking for someone, but I think I might actually have the wrong place,” she makes a quick move to turn around less she find herself passing out from the awful onset of smells protruding from the apartment.

“Nah nah wait,” the guy calls out before she can leave. “Who you lookin’ for? There’s…” he pauses to take a puff from what Sasha now realizes judging by the smell, isn’t even a cigarette. He holds the hit in for a moment before blowing out the smoke that travels a little too closely to her face. “A loootta fuckin’ people here right now.”

Sasha grimaces and still maintains her distance. “Is Becky here?”

“Becky…?” The guy repeats back. His eyes squint tightly for a moment before they halfway open in realization. “Ohhhh! Yeah, hang on!”

Frown still firmly in place, Sasha finds herself instinctively clutching her bag as the guy moves away from the threshold but leaves the door open. She has half a mind to peer inside, but for now she opts to keep her distance. She’s slightly startled when she hears a sudden booming voice coming from inside the apartment.

“Hey Lynch! Some hot chick’s here lookin’ for ya!”

Sasha is pretty thankful that the guy doesn’t return to the threshold. Even in his state, she had seen the way he was eyeing her up and down. An unpleasant shudder ripples through her as she starts to wonder if this was perhaps a bad idea. She really hadn’t thought that she’d run into stuff like this when she made the decision to drive over.

“Sasha?”

Releasing a breath she hadn’t realized she had been holding, Sasha is incredibly thankful to see her girlfriend standing just halfway outside the doorway. “Hey,” she tries to smile but ends up flinching again when there’s something of another loud noise coming from inside the apartment.

Becky blinks several times as she looks like she’s just had a run in with a ghost. “Why’re you…what’re you doing here?” she asks carefully.

“I hope it’s okay, me just dropping by like this,” Sasha shrugs. “I was hoping we could have just a little time to talk?”

Becky worries her bottom lip and quickly glances over her shoulder before she’s nodding and offering her hand for Sasha to take. She keeps her arm wrapped tightly around Sasha’s waist and keeps her pressed close into her side as she guides their way through the open living area of the apartment. There are people everywhere; some smoking, some playing drinking games while others are screaming at some sports nonsense on television.

Becky leads them to a door that’s at the very end of a hallway. She opens the door and quickly ushers Sasha inside before she’s closing the door and leaning against it with a heavy sigh. Thankfully her room is far enough away from the living room that the sound is somewhat muffled but given the state of company tonight, that doesn’t exactly mean much.

“Shit,” she hisses when she remembers the state of her bedroom. Compared to the rest of the apartment, her room is the next step to the Ritz-Carlton, but still she does have a few things scattered here and there, plus the massive pile of clothes in the very center of her bed where she had just opted to dump her clean laundry instead of fold it.

Sasha stands off to the side while Becky mumbles apologies while she sporadically moves around the room to tidy. She watches as Becky gathers the pile of clothing in her arms before heading off to the closet where she unceremoniously dumps it. Becky spins around quickly in several directions as she appears to be double checking to make sure nothing else is tastelessly in the way.

“Sorry…” Becky mumbles again as she takes Sasha’s hand and guides her over to the edge of the bed. She reaches back grabs hold of her laptop to mute it from where she had been in the middle of watching some mindless show on Netflix.

“No, it’s fine. You don’t have to apologize,” Sasha giggles quietly as she joins Becky on the edge of the bed. “I did kind of catch you off guard. I hope I’m not interrupting a party or anything. Your friends seem…”

“They’re not my friends,” Becky quickly cuts in as a light blush appears at her cheeks. “I mean…yeah, we’re not exactly friends. I was actually in here just on my computer anyway…”

Sasha nods and she momentarily allows herself to take in Becky’s room. In the time they’ve been dating, this is the first time she’s actually been inside the place Becky lives, much less inside her bedroom. Sasha’s a bit surprised that it’s pretty plain for the most part save for the handful of crooked posters displaying bands she doesn’t recognize.

“So…what brings you by?” Becky asks trying to sound a bit more chipper than she’s feeling.

If Sasha notices the unease, she doesn’t say anything. “Oh. I missed you at my dinner tonight and you weren’t answering texts. I just wanted to make sure everything was okay.”

“Oh…” Becky says quietly, ducking her head as she begins to rub at the back of her neck. “I’m sorry…I hope you’re not upset about it. I can make it up to you, I promise.”

Sasha is quick to shake her head. “No, you don’t have to make anything up to me I just…did something happen? I was kinda worried when you weren’t answering your phone.”

Becky can’t even look up. Instead, she’s stuck staring at her hands as they’re resting in her lap. “Nothing happened. I wasn’t feeling too well today, and I didn’t wanna ruin your birthday.”

“What?” Setting her purse to the side, Sasha quickly shuffles over and reaches out to rest the back of her hand against Becky’s forehead. “Are you feeling like you’re getting sick?”

“No…” Becky’s laugh is almost sad as she gently brushes Sasha’s hand away from her head in favor of interlacing their fingers. “I just…I wasn’t sure you wanted me there.”

Sasha’s frown returns and she’s staring at Becky as if she’s suddenly grown three heads. “Why wouldn’t I want you there?”

Becky sighs heavily. “I don’t know…I guess I just, kinda assumed you wouldn’t. With your friends there and everything, I just wasn’t sure where I’d be in all of that.”

For a moment, Sasha remains quiet while she tries to decipher everything that’s been given to her. She tries to recall somewhere in mind where she would’ve seen some of the signs before, but she finds herself coming up completely empty. “Babe I…I don’t know where this is coming from, but I’m sorry if anyone’s ever made you uncomfortable or anything.”

“No, no don’t apologize. It’s…” A sigh. “It’s not that anyone’s ever made me uncomfortable, I just wasn’t sure how to…fuck, I don’t know Sash. I don’t know how to explain it. I’m sorry. I really shouldn’t have just bailed like that. I should’ve called you. Fuck, I’m such a selfish…fuck!”

“Hey…” Sasha’s voice is quiet as her hand slides across Becky’s back. “I’m not mad or anything. I promise I’m not.”

“Don’t say that,” Becky’s groan is muffled from where her face is buried in her hands. “I don’t know what I was thinking. I wasn’t thinking at all. If you wanna break up with me or whatever I totally understand. I didn’t mean to hurt you and it’s totally not fair of me to just—”

“Hey!” This time when Sasha cuts in her voice is a lot firmer. She slides off the bed and sinks to her knees enough for her to be looking up where Becky is hunched over. She reaches up and pries Becky’s hands away from her face before she’s holding her hands tightly so they can’t move. “You’re right, it _is_ kind of unfair, but this isn’t about some silly dinner. It’s unfair because if you’re feeling any type of way, I can’t help you if I don’t know about it. I also know that you wouldn’t ever do anything on purpose to hurt me. I know that all of that might be kinda hard to understand because…well it’s just hard for anybody, but it’s okay for us to talk about these things.”

Becky’s lips purse into a thin line and she eventually nods hesitantly as she looks at where their hands are joined together. “I’ve never done this before. Had a girlfriend like you. I mean…I’ve dated before and stuff but it’s never…” she sighs. “Before you, my longest relationship was only three and a half months. I’ve just never done this before, Sash and I don’t wanna screw up and hurt you.”

Sasha, who had been nodding along with everything Becky had been saying drops her gaze down to their hands being held between them. “Would you believe me if I told you I’ve never done this either?”

“What?” Becky’s eyebrows lift in surprise.

Sasha’s subsequent shrug and laugh are almost bashful. “Yeah, I mean. My only actual ‘relationship’ was back in high school, and when you’re a freshman what business do you have claiming you’ve fallen in love when you don’t even know the meaning of the word?” she laughs again. “I guess once I grew up and graduated, I just had other things on my mind.”

“Why me? Why out of everyone did you decide to take a chance on me?”

“I…dunno. Life is all about chances and I guess when I met you, everything just felt right. I know that doesn’t make much sense, especially right now, but it was like I found something I didn’t know I was looking for.”

Sasha can see the uncertainty playing out behind Becky’s eyes and she makes the decision to reach up and gently take Becky’s face between her hands. “Stop trying to figure it out…” her voice has once again fallen to a whisper. “I wanna be with you. That’s all that matters.”

Becky has no choice but to accept the tender kiss that’s placed against her lips. She does her best to respond equally, hopefully getting across all the words she’s currently not confident enough to say. Her own hands come up to rest over Sasha’s as she breaks the kiss, leaving their forehead resting against one another as she waits for her breathing to catch up with her.

“I’ll make this up to you. I promise…” she murmurs quietly.

“I don’t need you to,” Sasha responds, leaning up to gently peck Becky’s lips against before she’s rising to her feet. “What are your plans for the rest of the evening?”

Becky blinks dumbly for several moments before she’s shrugging her shoulders. “Um…I mean I was just watching this new show I found. It’s pretty dumb so far but…”

“Great,” Sasha beams brightly as she returns to Becky’s bed, only this time she’s sitting further up towards the headboard in front of the laptop. She kicks off her shoes and curls her feet underneath her as she looks at Becky with an innocent expectancy. “We can maybe watch it together?”

As much as she wants to protest and question why Sasha would possibly even why to stay when she could easily go back to her own lavish apartment where it’s 100% less loud, she doesn’t. Becky can’t fend off her slight blush as she nods and joins Sasha up by her headboard. Her blush only deepens when Sasha scoots closer before resting her head on her shoulder.

While the show starts to play, Sasha sighs quietly to herself as she feels Becky relax against her. A small smile tugs at the corner of her lips when Becky leans over and rests her head atop her own. Despite their brief heart to heart, Sasha can’t help but feel like there’s more to unpack here, but for now, she’s content in the fact they’re both allowed to relax, even if just for a moment.

******

* * *

It’s a lot darker in her room when she opens her eyes. She hadn’t even realized she had fallen down for a nap. The last thing she actually remembers is watching television on the couch downstairs and she doesn’t really know anything that happened after that.

Yawing, Skye rubs her eyes before swinging her feet over the edge of her bed. She reaches over and flips on the lamp on her nightstand, casting her room in a soft orange glow. She glances around the room and sighs quietly before she stands and heads over towards the door.

Upon poking her head into the hallway, she turns her head down towards the end of the hall and she frowns slightly when the room at the end has the door open but is still dark. Huffing, she eventually heads the opposite direction towards the stairs where there’s still light coming up from downstairs. She hadn’t had much time to take a look at the time displayed off her digital clock, but if she had to guess she would think that it’s pretty well past her bedtime.

Voices coming from downstairs cause her to pause just a little before reaching the halfway point. For a moment, she frowns again, listening closely while leaning forward just a bit while her hands clutch the railings tightly. She makes sure to keep extra quiet while she tries to listen to the words being spoken quietly by the living room.

“No yeah, I definitely hear you and know what you mean but…shit, that stunt she pulled really wasn’t okay.”

“I know…I know. I just…she wasn’t gonna hurt me or anything.”

“Sorry, but I really didn’t know what to think when I come over and she’s grabbing you like that.”

“Ronda…” there’s a heavy sigh. “Becky’s harmless. She wouldn’t hurt me.”

Skye’s lower lip juts out slightly as she thinks about and wonders what that would mean. Had something happened? Had something _bad_ happened? Why would they be talking about her Ma hurting someone?

“Look Sasha…” there’s another sigh. “We’ve been doing this a while and I really care about you and I really care about Skye. I’m just worried that one day the wrong thing is gonna happen and she could snap or something.”

‘Snap’? What does that mean?

“You don’t know her yet…”

“You’re right, I don’t and maybe that’s why I’m kinda fuckin’ nervous about it? Have you even figured out what she wants yet?”

“Who says she wants something?”

There’s a laugh. “Sasha, she literally showed up at your job unannounced and caused a scene. She wouldn’t do that if she didn’t want something!”

Skye flinches. She hadn’t heard someone sound so mad before when talking about her Ma. Well, except maybe her Aunt Charlie, but that’s only because she had made her Mom sad before. Had that happened again?

“I…I don’t know what she wants.”

“Sasha, I don’t know. I really don’t know. If you say it’s fine, then it’s fine. You would know better than me, but I really don’t think—”

Skye doesn’t even realize how far down the steps she had been leading. She gasps quietly as she loses her footing and stumbles a good step or two down. She manages to keep herself from falling, but she’s definitely made enough noise to make her presence known.

“Skye?”

Hearing her name causes her to sigh audibly because she now knows she’s probably gonna get in trouble. Skye can recall the times she’s been lightly scolded for listening in on adults’ conversations. Most time she tries her best not to because she doesn’t want to make her mother angry. There have been a short handful of times, though, where she’s been able to get away with it. Clearly, this isn’t one of those times.

The corners of her lips tug downward when she sees her mother appear at the bottom of the stairs. “Yeah?” she answers back in her best attempt to sound innocent.

Sasha arches an eyebrow curiously while her hands rest at her hips. “What’re you doing up so late?”

“I uh…couldn’t sleep,” Skye mumbles back. “Wanted some water…”

Not at all convinced, Sasha nods her head and beckons Skye down the stairs. Skye opts to linger for a moment before she sighs again while definitely taking her time to follow. Upon entering the living room, she finds that her mom has returned to her spot back on the sofa. Skye offers a tiny wave to the two adults watching her as she slowly drags her feet to the couch.

“Sorry…” she mumbles, her voice even quieter than it had been on the stairs. She figures if she gets the apology out now than maybe her punishment won’t be that bad. 

For a brief moment there’s a silence where Ronda is left looking between both mother and daughter. She immediately picks up on the way Skye keeps glancing at her out of the corner of her eye before her gaze falls to the ground and she doesn’t even need to be looking at Sasha to pretty much feel her tension.

“Ah…” she says quietly as she makes a move to get up from the couch. “I think I’m gonna head up to bed…”

“’kay…” Sasha murmurs quietly as she accepts the kiss gently placed against her cheek. She sits back and watches as Ronda gets up from the couch, stopping briefly to gently rest her hand atop Skye’s head before disappearing up the stairs. Sasha waits for the distant sound of her bedroom door closing before she’s sighing quietly.

“Is she…staying?” Skye asks quietly, her eyes still on the empty stairs.

Sasha blinks a few times while conducting a silent analysis of Skye’s overall demeanor. “Yeah, she’s staying the night...” she responds, briefly casting a look towards the stairs before turning back to Skye. “Is that okay?”

Skye only shrugs before she’s shuffling towards the sofa where she climbs up and immediately settles against her mother. “Sorry I was listenin’...” she mumbles with her head resting against Sasha’s shoulder.

Sasha shakes her head while gently combing her fingers through Skye’s hair. “You’re not in trouble. I’m just worried about what’s got you up so late. Were we being too loud?”

“No…” Skye thinks back to what she heard on the stairs. “Are you sad again?”

“What?” Sasha is taken off guard by the question. “Baby, no...of course not, I’m not…”

“’Cause this is how you talked with Aunt Charlie. When you were mad and sad about Mama.”

Sasha can’t help the tired sigh that escapes her and for a moment she lets her head fall back against the couch. On one hand it’s almost bitterly comically that she’s able to be read like a book by her own child, especially when that child is at such a young age. She starts to think that everyone else may be on to something when they spend so much time informing her that Skye is her carbon copy.

“I’m not sad, Baby. There’s just…a lot of changes going on right now and with you being so busy with school and me with work, I guess I’m just a little bit tired. I’m sorry if I made you think anything else.”

“Is Ronda gonna be living here with us now?”

“She’s not living with us no, but she and I…we…” the words die out on Sasha’s lips as she realizes she hadn’t much thought about this in depth of an explanation. She knew in the forefront of her mind that this was inevitable, but she certainly hadn’t given herself enough to prepare.

She sighs again. “Is there something that bothers you? Do you not like her at all? Because if you don’t it’s more than okay for you to tell me. You matter here, baby girl…”

Skye quickly shakes her head. “No, I like her! She’s fun and cool and she said one day we’re gonna go camping but…” she has to pause as her lower lip starts to tremble just a bit. “She’s not my Mama…” 

Sasha catches the moment the waterworks start, and she wraps her arms around Skye before pulling her into her lap entirely. She holds her daughter tightly while doing her best to wipe away the pouring onslaught of tears down the girl’s cheeks.

“She’s not…”

It’s the only thing intelligible that Sasha is able to make out and it seems to be one of the only things Skye keeps repeating over and over again. She knows that there’s nothing she can say right now. There’s nothing she can say that will change everything and somehow make it all suddenly make sense. No matter what she does she feels like she can’t ever make it all okay again, and somehow, that terrifies her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you guys for standing by! Comments and kudos always welcome :)


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> aheh...aheheh....ahehehehhhhhh

******

The cold is biting on this particular day. It’s the kind of cold that leaves your breath hanging in the air for however many seconds as if to do nothing but serve as a reminder on how ridiculously cold it is. The same type of cold that leaves you shifting uncomfortably between your many layers, bargaining with deities that may or may not exist to bring you just a small sliver of warmth if for just a couple seconds. 

Becky is made painfully aware that apparently no higher powers want to bargain with her today. Her stream of quiet curses hangs heavily in the air as she reactively tucks her face a little deeper into her scarf. The snow continues to fall at a rather disrespectful rate, with a few flakes sticking to her lashes here and there. On one particular occasion, one manages to land right in her eye in a strange twist of dark humor, she’s already freezing so damn bad, it doesn’t have any of an effect on her.

“Fucking Christ!” she curses before slamming the hood of her car. She momentarily tucks her hands deep into the pockets of her coat as she makes the quick trudges back towards the driver’s side. She’s quickly flinging the door open where she throws herself into the seat before slamming the door with enough force to shake the car. “Shit!”

“Everything okay?”

The temperature in the car is still well off enough to be manageable and she wasn’t gonna ruin that by leaving the door opened longer than she needed to. “Well, it could definitely be worse…” she mumbles with a slightly mirthlessly laugh as she momentarily removes her beanie to dust away some of the lingering snowflakes. Even the momentary removal leaves her ears exposed for a bit too long for comfort. Once she does manage to get comfortable, she sighs heavily and slumps a bit in her seat before lulling her head over to look at the girl in her passenger seat. “My best guess could be something wrong with the transmission, but it’s so fucking cold out there I wasn’t able to take a look for very long,” she sighs. “Did you get ahold of a tow company?”

Sasha grimaces and glances down at her phone that’s sitting idle in her lap. “I did. The next truck they can send will probably be in the next three to four hours.”

“Three to four hours!?”

“Yeah. They said it’s possible it could be sooner, but with how bad the roads are and accidents happening everywhere, that’s the soonest estimate they could give me.”

Becky laughs, but it’s anything but humorous as she lets her head thump back against her headrest. “I would say what kind of idiot would be dumb enough to leave the house in something like this but…” she lifts her hands and lets them fall into her lap before she starts chuckling.

Sasha giggles while nodding along. “Yeah, well. You can absolutely say that we are those idiots,” she laughs while shifting a bit in her own seat to get comfortable. She turns towards the passenger window and wipes away some of the fog they’ve accumulated on the glass to peer on the outside. “Well…we could always try to walk? See if there’s some place nearby we could hold up for a while?”

Becky is immediately shaking her head. “I don’t think that’s a good idea. The few minutes I was out there while you were on the phone, I felt like I was gonna go into shock or something,” she chuckles quietly and reaches over to pull at the fur hood on Sasha’s coat. “Not to mention I’ve got on more layers than you. If I was that cold out there for five minutes, you’ll be a popsicle by the time we get somewhere.

Rolling her eyes, Sasha wears a small grin as she swats Becky’s hand away from her coat. “To be fair, I didn’t think we’d get stuck and this was the only coat I have that goes good with this outfit.”

“Babe…” Becky laughs before sighing heavily while shaking her head. “We definitely should’ve taken your car or called an uber or something.”

“My car is still at the dealership and that would’ve been an expensive uber. Who’s to say we wouldn’t have ended up here anyway?” Sasha shrugs before wrapping her arms around herself. “With how it’s coming down out there, if we were in an uber, we could’ve gotten stuck with some stranger.”

Becky seems to think this over in her mind for a moment before she’s eventually nodding in agreement. “Yeah, I guess you’re, right. It’s just…shit I hate that I got you into this.”

Sasha frowns. “You didn’t ‘get me into’ anything. This type of stuff just happens, and you can’t do anything about that. I mean, Jesus, the whole reason my car is at the dealership is because there’s something wrong with it. This literally could’ve happened whenever. Besides, if you think about it, this was kind of my idea in the first place.”

“Yeah well…” Becky grumbles, tucking into herself on her side of the car.

Sasha opens her mouth to say something else, but she’s cut off by the ringing of her phone in lap. She doesn’t bother to look at the number before she’s quickly bringing it to her ear to answer. “Hello?” A pause and a sigh. “Hey Char.”

Becky, who had perked up hoping that it was the tow truck people telling them the calvary was sooner than three fucking hours away, immediately deflates and returns to her spot resting against the door. Her eyes roll momentarily as she wraps her arms into her jacket and huffing quietly, her breath hanging behind in the air as the temperature in the car starts to drop.

“…no yeah, it’s…pretty bad out here. I don’t know if we’re gonna make it there any time soon, we kinda got stuck…yeah! We’re both okay, I mean other than the whole freezing thing we’re fine.”

Sasha laughs and shakes her head.

“That’s what I said, it’s coming down pretty heavy out here and according to Becky I didn’t exactly dress for the occasion,” she pauses to stick her tongue out at her girlfriend who’s trying and failing to act like she’s not paying attention to her phone conversation. “She’s right though. It’s pretty fucking cold…no! No don’t do that. I don’t want you to get stuck too, it’s bad. We’ve already called a tow truck it just might be a while because of the roads…no we definitely will, we’ll be okay. I’ll keep you updated…okay. Okay bye.”

Huffing, Sasha puts her phone down and laughs quietly. “So…Char said hi.”

Becky rolls her eyes again and shakes her head. “No she didn’t,” she mutters under her breath with a short laugh before sighing loudly. “Don’t suppose Flair can send one of her personal snowplows or something she probably has.”

“Becky…” Sasha’s tone is only slightly disapproving.

“Sorry…” Becky mumbles back. “What are we doing heading all the way out here anyways? I thought she lived somewhere not too far from you or whatever.”

“Yeah, she does. We were heading to her parents’ place. They have a ranch and she usually has big get-togethers and stuff out there.”

“Must be a hell of a party…”

“Yeah…” Sasha trails off quietly, taking note of how the other woman has gotten rather quiet since they’ve been stopped. Now that she thinks about it, the entire drive had been filled with mostly her talking and Becky nodding along with tacking on occasional input. She had been so caught up at the time, it wasn’t exactly something she noticed.

“Becky, are you alright?” 

Becky blinks rapidly before sitting up in her seat just a bit. “What? I’m fine. Why?”

Sasha shrugs. “I don’t know. You just seem kinda off I guess.”

Cursing mentally, Becky groans before she sits up fully and turns to where she’s facing Sasha head on. “Nothing’s wrong. Well, aside from the obvious. I’ve just been a little on edge, I guess. You know I usually don’t go to big parties like this. I never have been really.”

Sasha can’t say she hadn’t been a bit shocked when Becky had agreed to attend Charlotte’s Christmas party with her. “I…didn’t do anything to force you to, right?” she asks carefully. “Because that’s the last thing I wanna do. If you’re not comfortable or anything you don’t have to force yourself to…”

“Sash, it’s fine. You didn’t force more anything. I wanted to come. Well…” Becky cuts herself off and moves her head back and forth as she rearranges the thoughts in her head. “I wanted to try. Try for you, I mean. I…shit I don’t know how to explain.”

“No, no I get it. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make any assumptions or anything…”

“It’s fine…”

There’s a silence that falls between the two of them for a moment before they’re sharing a laugh. It’s a laugh that verbally displays just the right mixture of exhaustion, disbelief, and frustration. Not with one another, but just how fucked this particular situation had become and so quickly.

“Don’t suppose we could call the police,” Sasha halfheartedly suggests.

Becky scoffs and rolls her eyes. “Shit, the fucking tow truck would probably get here before they do,” she huffs. Her eyes narrow slightly when she takes note of just how tightly Sasha has her arms wrapped around herself. “You’re cold, aren’t you?” 

“What? No, I’m fine,” Sasha responds a bit too quickly right before she clamps her mouth shut to keep her teeth from shattering.

Raising an eyebrow, Becky shakes her head as she sees everything as clear as day. “Right now isn’t a time to be stubborn. Here, I have an idea.”

Sasha opens her mouth to protest and argue but she’s interrupted by the confusion brought by Becky suddenly shifting in her seat enough to climb over the center console and into the backseat. “What are you doing?”

“Making sure you don’t freeze,” Becky responds with a small grin as she’s unzipping her coat. “C’mon.”

Sasha doesn’t protest as she accepts the hand offered to help her into the backseat. She settles on the seat opposite of Becky and her eyes widen as Becky begins unbuttoning her thick flannel shirt after having removed her coat. “Um…I know that’s a good way to preserve heat but…”

Becky snorts and finds herself unable to hold back her laugh. “Relax, that’s not what I’m doing,” she smirks smugly and quirks an eyebrow. “Although…I don’t know why you’re suddenly acting so bashful considering what we did in your backseat on our third date.”

“Becky!” Sasha exclaims as she leans forward just enough to swat her girlfriend. She looks down at the shirt Becky is holding between the two of them. “Beck, no. I’m not gonna…”

“What about you?”

“I’m Irish,” Becky shrugs now left in only her thin black long sleeve as she slips her arms back into her coat, but she doesn’t zip it up right away. “I’ll be fine. C’mere.”

Having just donned Becky’s shirt, Sasha replaces her own jacket and rolls her eyes. “You can’t use that as an excuse for _everything_ ,” she huffs as she shuffles forward to where Becky is holding her coat open. She settles against Becky while wrapping her arms tightly around her torso. She sighs at the immediate warmth radiating from her girlfriend.

“You’re warm…” she murmurs contently.

“Good…” Becky mumbles back, shifting onto her back a bit so they can lay more comfortably.

She holds her coat tight around them and holds Sasha even closer. Eventually, Sasha’s breathing begins to even out. Becky leans up just enough to place a kiss to the side of her girl’s head before letting her head fall back against the door.

“I’ve got you…” she whispers, while her fingers gently draw lazy patterns on Sasha’s back. “I’ve got you.”

******

* * *

“Jesus Christ!” Becky just barely manages to reach out and grab onto her side mirror to keep from spilling out over the ice.

Bayley snorts and places her hands on her hips. “Don’t fall. You might fuck around and break a hip or something. You’re not as young as you used to be, you know.”

“Fuck you,” Becky hisses, huffing as her breath comes out in a visible puff hanging in the air. “This kinda fucking shit should really be illegal. Making us work out here in this shit.”

“It could be worse,” Bayley laughs while taking a sip from her coffee. “It could be hot, and I don’t know about you, but it’s easier to warm up than it is to cool off. I mean, you can always put clothes on. You can’t always take clothes off…” 

This time, it’s Becky who snorts. “I mean…you absolutely can, but I guess that’s something that people usually frown on.”

There’s a short pause before the two burst into a bout of hysteric laughter like a couple of teenagers. It’s probably the first time in a good while that Becky has felt herself at ease enough to laugh, even at the expense of a dumb joke. This is something that Bayley absolutely picks up on off the bat.

“How’ve you been holding up, dude? I’ve been worried about you and I wanted to make sure you’ve been alright, you know?”

“Ah…” Becky begins quietly while rubbing the back of her neck. She sort of knew something like this was coming seeing as she and Bayley haven’t spoken much since the last time she had Bayley look after Skye. She knew the line of questioning wasn’t going to be avoidable forever.

“Things are how you would expect them to be after what happened,” she awkwardly rubs at the back of her head while shrugging. “It’s like I took few steps forward to get taken back ten. I mean, I can’t have anybody to blame but myself here, but shit man. That doesn’t keep it from sucking.” 

Bayley winces at seeing the pain and resignation in her friend’s eyes. “I’m really sorry man. You guys were talking before right?”

Becky snorts almost bitterly. “Yeah, we were. Then I went and screwed that up,” she scoffs again. “Went to drop Skye off the other day and she didn’t even come to the door. Just told me to tell Skye to let herself in.”

“Shit…”

“I know. I really screwed things up, Bay and fuck, I just—”

She finds herself cut off listening to the hasty chattering in her earpiece. Her eyes snap over to Bayley who appears to be also be listening just as intently. Judging by the look on her face, Becky knows they’re getting the same call.

_‘—fleeing. All units, please respond.’_

“Fuck,” Becky hisses. It’s rare that a call goes out like that and when it does, it’s always something super serious. “You get that call?”

“Yup,” Bayley tosses her coffee in a nearby bin as she jogs off to her own car. “Following you, Sarge.”

Climbing into her SUV, Becky wastes no time in throwing on her lights and siren as she floors it out of the parking lot.

* * *

Even with having lived here for most of her life, Sasha still can’t get used to the cold that settles itself deep in your bones. It’s downright disrespectful, if anyone were to ask her. Those feelings certainly haven’t changed as she contemplates spending the rest of the evening in her coat, even after she has just stepped into her house.

“Cold! It’s really cold!” Skye exclaims, shivering in her own right as she trails after her mother.

“You’re telling me,” Sasha responds, lightly dusting off the young girl’s jacket from where it had been lightly dusted with the small flurry that’s just started. “Go change into some warm clothes and I’ll make you something hot to drink while I get dinner started, okay?”

Skye quickly nods and is soon racing up the stairs with her backpack. Sasha watches after her daughter and smiles softly before she sheds her own outerwear and heads off towards the kitchen. It had been a long day at work for her with two hearings, and as she makes a beeline for the coffee pot, she plans on finding relief from her day in the only way she knows how.

After putting her coffee on, she sets aside the items she needs to put together some hot chocolate for Skye as well. She spares a brief glance at the clock on the stove and she hadn’t even realized that they’re getting home much later than they normally would. No doubt from the delays because of the roads outside. It had taken her nearly an extra hour to get to Skye’s school. The journey of getting home had been something along similar lines.

Sighing tiredly, Sasha pours her own coffee before doing the same with Skye’s hot chocolate. She sets Skye’s mug on the counter and goes to take a sip from her own when the loud blaring of her phone in the dining room grabs her attention. The irritating noise leaves her huffing in irradiation as she sets her mug on the counter.

She quickly crosses into the dining room where her phone is ringing and nearly vibrating off the table where she had set it next to her purse. She stares at the screen for a while with a frown firmly in place before she picks it up and brings it to her ear.

“Hello?”

Sasha’s frown is still in place as she listens to the caller.

“Yes, this is she. Can I ask who’s calling?”

There’s a pause.

Sasha feels the equilibrium of her world shift.

“…what?”

She’s not even fully processing the words anymore.

She doesn’t even realized she’s being asked a question until it’s been asked three times.

“Y-yes. Yes I’m here…um…I can…um. Yes…yes I can.”

Another pause.

“Yes…thank you…”

The line clicks and Sasha still has her phone against her ear. Her grip is white hot as she holds on tightly to the back of one of the dining room chairs with her free hand. Her eyes are wide and empty as she adopts a thousand-yard stare.

“Mommy?” Skye’s voice is hesitant as she stands in the entrance of the dining room. A tiny frown creases her forehead when her mother doesn’t immediately respond. “Mommy…?”

It’s on the second address that Sasha even registers that Skye is standing in the room with her. “We…we have to…” her voice is a fleeting whisper as her phone finally slips from her grasp and lands on the floor with a resounding thud. With each passing second, she blinks owlishly several times and it’s everything she can do to find her voice.

“We have to go.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> O_O aheheh...thoughts always welcome?


	17. Chapter 17

******

Her arms are so full that Becky finds herself having to nudge the door shut with her foot. She just barely manages to keep her balance from tipping over, lest she end up on her ass with two arm full worth of groceries scattered around her. Thankfully, a higher power spare her from her usual clumsiness and she’s able to steady herself with ease.

Her shoulders drop and her eyes start to adjust into the dimness in the living room. The curtains have been drawn shut blocking any and all potential sunlight. The temperature has been no doubt turned up to near max and Becky immediately feels herself starting to sweat when she’s only been inside for a couple minutes. After a few more moments of observation, her eyes eventually land on the blanketed lump curled up in the very center of the couch.

Smiling softly, she shuffles further into the room and sets the grocery bags down on the coffee table before carefully taking a seat on the edge of the sofa. She listens carefully for a moment before lightly poking the blanket lump with her finger. “Babe, you up?”

The blanket groans and shifts. “Go ‘way…”

“Aw, come on. Don’t be like that.”

“’M serious…go ‘way.”

Becky has the nerve to pout. “You’re being serious?” she echoes even though she moves to recline comfortably back into the sofa. “Even though I come bearing gifts?”

“…What kinda gifts?”

“I dunno. Delicious ones? And also, ones that might actually help you breathe?”

The blanket shifts and moves before Sasha is poking her head out. Her hair is pulled into a messy ponytail with flyways sticking to her damp forehead. Her skin is pale, her eyes are puffy, and her nose is bright red as she sniffles.

Sher rubs her eyes and yawns as she sits up a bit. “What’d you bring?” she asks, while making sure to keep her blanket tightly wrapped around herself.

Becky grins and reaches over towards the bags she sat down on the coffee table. “I brought your favorite soup, ginger ale, strawberry flavored cough drops, popsicles, and those Vicks infused tissues you like so much.”

Sasha’s eyes widen and she’s immediately reaching for the box of tissues. “Oh my god…” she sighs happily while holding the box to her chest as if she’s cradling a newborn. She opens her mouth to say something else, but she’s interrupted by a sneeze she just barely manages to cover up.

Becky makes a show of grimacing. “Ew. You’ve still got _that_ problem, eh?”

“Shuddup…” Sasha sniffles while she tears into the tissue box. She pulls a few out and noisily blows her nose, before she’s left groaning and slumping back into the couch.

Chuckling quietly, Becky leans over and pulls the blanket tighter around Sasha’s shoulders and places a quick kiss to her forehead before she’s standing up from the couch to gather the rest of the groceries. Sasha is immediately spluttering and shaking her head. Once again, she’s attacked by a brief series of sneezes before she can even get a word out.

“Don’t do that! Do you wanna get sick too???” she exclaims.

“I’ve been here for the past three days, I think I’m pretty locked in already if I’m gonna get it,” Becky pauses and her eyebrows furrow when Sasha shivers and burrows deeper into the blanket. “You did feel kind of warm though. When’s the last time you checked your temperature?”

Sasha blinks tiredly and appears to be thinking for a short time before giving a half shrug. “I dunno…I’ve kinda been ‘sleep since you left.”

Sighing quietly, Becky disappears into the kitchen to put away some of the groceries. She checks a few drawers before she’s returning to the living room with a thermometer in hand. “Let’s check here,” she offers it up and immediately frowns when Sasha doesn’t comply. “What?”

“I don’t wanna…” Sasha all but whines before bringing the blanket up under her nose.

Becky blinks owlishly and for a few seconds she looks as if her brain has short-circuited. “What do you mean ‘you don’t wanna’? You better wanna! We need to make sure your fever isn’t high!”

Sasha quickly shakes her head and this time covers her head with the blanket. “No!”

“Sasha! C’mon don’t be five!”

“I am _not_ five!”

“Well you’re acting like it!” Becky begins tugging at the blanket. “Come on, I need to take your temp!”

Even though the blanket has been tugged from over her head, Sasha keeps her mouth clamped shut. “Mmm mmm…” her decline is muffed as she keeps her mouth clamped shut tight and shakes her head again.

Becky’s eyes narrow momentarily and if anyone were looking closely enough, they would be able to see the small vein popping out near her temple. “I’m not doing this with you. I’m not gonna pretend it’s an airplane or something and make buzzing noises and shit. Open your mouth Sasha!”

Sasha shakes her head. “Mmm!”

“Sasha! Open it!”

“Mmm!”

There’s a momentary pause before Becky is aggressively poking Sasha in her side which rewards her a series of squeaks. “Open it!” she continues her attack as Sasha tries to fend her off and squirm away.

“Becky—mmf!”

“Ha!” Becky is perhaps a bit too celebratory as she had taken the opportunity to shove the thermometer into Sasha’s mouth upon the exclamation. She grins proudly, completely disregarding Sasha’s look of total disdain. “Now…was that so hard?”

Sasha rolls her eyes and utters something unintelligible around the thermometer. She looks ever bit a scolded child as she sits with a scowl in place and her arms tightly folded over her chest. Becky can only roll her eyes as she waits for the beep and she snatches it from Sasha’s mouth before she even has a chance to react.

“100.1,” Becky sighs and shakes her head. “No wonder you’re freezing. Have you taken anything?”

“I’ve been ‘asleep,” Sasha enunciates for a second time. She sniffles and rolls her eyes, before she has to take the time to sneeze into the tissue once more.

Sighing heavily, Becky claps her hands on her knees before she’s rising from the couch. “I’ll get you some meds while I put some soup on for you.

Sasha groans and curls back into her blanket as she slumps into the couch. “You don’t have to. I’ll do it later.”

Becky pauses about halfway to the kitchen and looks back with a look of total confusion. “What do you mean you’ll ‘do it later’? Sash, you’re sick…you have a fever. There is no ‘later’!”

Sasha shakes her head. “Becky, seriously it’s fine. I don’t want you to get sick anyways. I’ll be fine if you wanna go home.”

It takes Becky a second to process the indirect request. The way Sasha had somewhat haphazardly mumbled her words before tucking back underneath her blanket. The way her entire demeanor had been adamant that Becky leave since this whole thing got started. She didn’t think much of it at the time, but even with now noticing something’s a bit off, she can’t seme to make it make sense.

Her movements are slow as she rounds the couch to find Sasha once again curled up. Her eyebrows furrow when she realizes her girlfriend has succeeded in looking as small as possible. “Babe…?”

Silence.

Becky sighs.

“Sash?”

“’M fine…” Sasha mumbles somewhere behind her blanket. “You can just go.”

Becky shakes her head as if it’s the most asinine request she’s ever heard. Well, she can’t even say it was a request, it was more like a soft demand guised under a simple suggestion. “Do you want me to leave?” she asks carefully.

Sasha is quiet for a moment before lifting her shoulders in a half shrug. “I just…I dunno. Don’t wanna get you sick or whatever…”

“I already told you, if it’s gonna happen it’s already gonna happen, with how long I’ve been here,” Becky carefully presses forward. “Baby, what’s this about?”

Sasha groans a bit. “It’s not about anything…” she huffs as if irritated with herself for letting the line of questioning get here. “I just don’t want you to feel like you _have_ to stay or something. I’ve been sick before, Beck. I know what to do.”

“It’s not about whether you know what to do or not…” Becky carefully takes a seat and leans over to where her arm is between Sasha and the back of the couch. “It’s about me taking care of you. “

In this moment Sasha finds herself thankful her face is already a bit flushed and Becky doesn’t seem to notice the intense blush that forms at her cheeks. The feeling has her trying to turn away, but she’s unable to do so when Becky’s arms tighten around her.

“Sash, c’mon…what’s this?” More silence. “Sasha?”

“Nobody’s ever done it…”

It’s mumbled so quietly that Becky honestly misses it. “What?”

“Nobody’s ever done it before,” Sasha says a bit louder as she shrugs. “I’m not used to having someone around who I don’t have to ask…I guess.”

Becky knows this. It’s something she picked up on pretty early on when they first started seeing one another. It was a conclusion anyone with eyes could draw based on the way Sasha carries herself.

“Well you don’t have to ask me,” she reaches up and gently brushes away a few stray strands of hair from Sasha’s forehead. “I’m gonna take care of you. You don’t gotta ask me for that, k?”

“’kay…” Sasha’s voice is quiet and a bit rough as she leans into Becky’s embrace. Even the affirmation doesn’t sound all that convincing.

Becky worries her lip as if there’s more she wants to say. She _knows_ there’s more she could say, but she’s having a hard time finding the connection between her brain and her mouth enough to form something intelligible.

“I’m gonna go make you some soup, okay?” Becky tries not to let her own unease show in her words.

“Kay…” is the barely audible mumbled replied.

Sighing quietly, Becky treks off towards the kitchen content to put herself to use with her hands, since her words seem to be so content on failing her.

******

* * *

Hospitals have never been the ideal place for Sasha, nor should they be. Even when she was pregnant with Skye all those years ago, she was quite content to give birth right in the middle of her living room if it meant saving a trip to the hospital. Obviously, things certainly hadn’t turned out like that, but Sasha certainly wasn’t above entertaining the idea. 

Her skin had been crawling as soon as they had stepped into the building. Everything felt so cold and sterile, and the smell was something that nearly left her wanting to claw out her own sense of smell. It was this sickening combination of cleaner and plastic and something else she couldn’t quite put a name to. It’s as if every hair on the back of her neck was standing up and with each step she takes, her jaw only pulls even tighter.

“Mommy? Where are we going?”

Even as they continue walking, Sasha has to close her eyes to momentarily gather herself. The car ride over had been filled with nothing but questions she hadn’t had a single answer to. Her mind was moving at a such a fast pace, there was very little she _could_ do, but to deflect and at times not even respond at all. She’s sure she broke a few traffic laws here and there to even get them here in the first place.

“Why are we here?”

“I’m not quite sure yet, Baby…” and god at least that’s the truth. “I got a phone call and we…we might have to check on your Mama, okay?”

Skye’s eyes momentarily go wide, but she doesn’t say anything. Instead, she sticks close to Sasha’s side while clutching her hand tightly. The place is a bit confusing to her because it’s noisy and quiet all at time same time. As they continue down the long hallway, she can’t help but glance up at her mother looking for any answers that might make sense.

Sasha’s heart is nearly in her throat by the time she makes it to a waiting area. It’s pretty for the most part, and her eyebrows immediately furrow when she spots the handful of officers scattered around the area. Some pacing, while others seem to be chatting in clumps here and there. She scans the area for a moment before spotting a familiar face sitting a little off to the side looking as tense and rigid as ever.

“Bayley…”

Hearing her name, Bayley’s eyes blink a few times and she breaks the staring contest she had been previously been having with the tiled floor. She’s quickly getting to her feet and she doesn’t have much time to prepare a response before she’s hit with a small weight that wraps tightly around her waist. She’s a bit unsurprised to see Skye having broken away to run over and cling to her tightly while looking up at her with an expectant worry that should never burden a kid her age.

“Hey Kid,” she tries her best to put on her most convincing and relaxed smile despite everything that’s flashed by over the last few whoever knows how long.

“What’s going on?”

Skye’s small voice nearly breaks Bayley’s resolve then and there. She sighs quietly and urges Skye into the chair she had previously been sitting in before crouching down to look up at the young girl. “Hey, I promise things are gonna be okay, alright? Right now, I just gotta talk to your Mom and tell her some stuff, but I promise I’ll give her right back to you, okay?”

Skye’s eyes flit from Bayley to Sasha and back to Bayley before she’s nodding shakily. She lightly bumps the fist Bayley offered with her own before she’s scooting back to sit comfortably in the chair. Even as she’s left alone for the time being, her gaze still doesn’t waiver from the adults across the waiting room.

Sasha has just finished mouthing to Skye something about being right back just as Bayley approaches her and gently takes her arm to pull her off to the side. The lump lodged in her throat doesn’t move as she takes in the way the other woman’s face had completely transitioned the moment they had both turned away from Skye. It takes her several attempts before she can even bring herself to say anything.

“What. Happened.”

“Shit Sash…” Bayley drags a hand through her own hair before settling on rubbing at the back of her neck. “It’s been a shit show. This place is a mess, and nobody’s been able to tell us a fucking thing and—”

“Bayley!” Sasha is quick to interrupt, silencing the impending ramble before it can even get rolling. “Why are we here, Bayley. Why are all of _you_ here? What. Happened.”

Bayley worries her bottom lip before sighing. “We got a call about some gas station hold up. Apparently, the guys thought it’d be a good idea to run and we got called to pursuit so…we did. Shit, it was a bad fucking idea and we all knew it, especially with how bad the roads are right now. I was behind Becky, so I didn’t see what fucking happened. Guess the guys tried to pull some turn around or whatever, but they ended up fishtailing and hitting her head on. She went spinning into the median and hit that pretty hard and _fuck_ there wasn’t anything I could’ve done about it.”

Sasha feels her heart slam to a halt, and she feels like all of the oxygen has been sucked out of the room. For a while, her mouth hangs open and the only sound that slips past is something of a breath that gets caught as a strangled gasp. The room does a sudden spin and she finds herself staggering forward a few steps.

“Whoa! Sasha, hey!”

“I’m fine. I’m fine...” Sasha recovers quickly and uses the offered stability to steady herself. She allows her eyes to slip closed for a moment as she forces herself to take a few calming deep breaths. “Is she…?”

“No, I…I feel like if she was, they would’ve at least told us that. But nobody’s been able to tell us anything because you’re the only one listed as her emergency contact.”

Sasha’s eyes fly open quickly. It hadn’t even clicked at the time that she had received the phone call, but now it makes sense. “I hadn’t realized she hadn’t changed it…” she mumbles while shaking her head. Her gaze involuntarily shifts over to her daughter who is still seated in the chair across the room nervously fiddling with her fingers while she casts uneasy gazes at others in the waiting room.

Noticing that Sasha’s gaze has drifted, Bayley momentarily follows it before turning back. “Sash, listen. I’ll sit here with Skye, if you wanna go try to get any information out of anybody. They’re only gonna talk to you.”

Sasha isn’t even aware of herself nodding. She doesn’t even hear much less process the next thing Bayley says before she finds herself being gently guided in the direction of the check in station. She watches as Bayley crosses the room and plops down in the chair next to Skye. It’s only a few seconds of Bayley talking and gesturing with her hands before Skye is cracking a tiny smile. This puts Sasha at ease a fraction as her feet operate on their own accord to finally get her moving.

With each step, the desk feels like it’s getting farther and farther away, and Sasha once again finds herself fighting for the sudden lack of oxygen in the room. Upon reaching the desk, her hands bracing firmly against the counter in a move to seek stability. The woman behind one of the first computers looks up at her and greets her with a small smile, but Sasha doesn’t hear anything she’s saying. It all sounds like white noise and it all starts to get a little blurry.

“Miss?”

Blinking, the woman behind the computer suddenly comes in focus. “Yes?” Sasha responds.

“Do you need to check in? Do you need a doctor?”

“No um…no…” Sasha jerkily shakes her head as she tries to gather her words. “I’m for…I’m here for…I got a call about—about Becky Lynch?”

“Oh!” the nurses eyes widen momentarily before she’s centering herself in front of her computer where she begins briskly typing. “Yes, I was the one that called. Mrs. Lynch, if you wouldn’t mind—”

“Banks.” Sasha doesn’t even realize how quickly and forcefully she’s cut in until she’s gotten it out. “We um…we’re not together. It’s been two years…”

The nurse’s eyes widen once more and she awkwardly squirms in her chair. “I’m sorry to hear…” she clears her throat. “Um…well, Miss Banks, there’s just some paperwork I need you to fill out and then I’m going to work on getting a doctor out for you.”

Sasha absentmindedly accepts the offered clipboard while shaking her head. “Is she alive?”

“Yes, Ma’am, she is. The doctor will be out for you shortly.”

Nodding, Sasha steps off to the side and quickly begins filling out the paperwork on the clipboard. An almost bitterly nostalgic smile tugs at the corner of her lips when she catches herself filling out the information on the forms without missing a single thing. It’s almost as if it something that’s come back naturally to her and that laves an unsettled feeling in her stomach.

She’s just gotten to the last page where she hastily scribbles her signature. Her hand faulters midway through as she has to embarrassingly remind herself how to sign her last name. She gazes at the final outcome for a moment before she’s shaking her head and heading back to hand over the paperwork.

“You’re Sasha?”

She’s greeted by a taller man wearing a white coat. Sasha eyes him carefully for a moment before she’s nodding her head. She contemplates calling Bayley over, but that would mean once again having to either leave Skye alone or having her learn alongside them just what’s going on. She ultimately decides that she’ll relay the doctor’s information shortly after to minimize any missteps.

“How…how is she?” When had her voice gone so small?

The doctor offers her a calming smile as if sensing her nerves. “She is stable and conscious. We’re trying to keep visitors to the bare minimum at the moment, but for now I can allow you to come back and see her.”

Sasha nods and turns to slightly wave to Bayley, gesturing where she’s going before she’s following the doctor through a set of double doors. This hallway is just as long as the last, only it’s a bit busier with nurses and doctors quickly moving from room to room. She doesn’t have much time to register any faces, everyone just comes and goes as quick blurs.

“—she’s very lucky,” like the nurse before, Sasha hadn’t even realized the doctor had been talking. “A majority of her injuries are internal. She’s cracked a few ribs and there was a bit of internal bleeding, but nothing too major. What I’m most concerned about is the concussion.”

Sasha’s eyebrows furrow together. “What does that mean?”

“From what I gathered, her head appears to have struck either her steering wheel or her driver’s side window. She’s been in and out of consciousness while we’ve had her for a good while, and we’ve given her something for it, but I won’t know the full extents until she’s conscious enough for me to run a few cognitive tests. The good news is—”

The doctor stops short as they round one last corner and stop in front of a door that has something of a commotion happening on the other side. Frowning, he quickly opens the door where her and Sasha are met with the sight of Becky trying her best to work her way out of bed while going at it with the only nurse in the room.

“I told you I don’t need no fuckin—”

“Sergeant _please_!”

“Get this shit off!”

Sasha is left to linger idly in the doorway as the doctor presses further into room. Her heart rate begins to speed up. The yelling, the discomfort, seeing Becky like this; it’s all _so much_.

“Sergeant, unfortunately I can’t have you leave just yet,” the doctor tries to speak calmly.

Becky grunts and still tries to sit up enough to get out of bed. “Like hell, I’m grown enough to…” her voice trails off as she catches the woman lingering in the doorway. “Um…”

Sasha swallows thickly and forces her feet to carry her further into the room. “Becky…” for now, it’s the only thing she can think to say at the moment.

As if breaking out of her momentary reverie, Becky tries to stand up again. “Seriously, I’m fuckin—” she grunts as she does manage to get her feet under her, but her legs seem to have a different idea as she’s immediately losing her balance. She groans loudly and her eyes squeeze shut as she only remains upright by sheer power of the nurse and she soon finds herself being eased back into bed.

“Sergeant, you have a concussion,” the doctor’s voice is much firmer as he speaks. “With that being said, we aren’t sure how serious it is yet, so I’m going to need conduct a few tests so we’ll know—”

“I don’t want no fucking—”

“Sergeant—”

“Becky…”

Sasha somehow outvoices everyone in the room, even with how quietly she speaks. There’s something in her voice where even the calmness somehow commands attention. Her eyes are still locked with Becky’s as she moves to the very edge of the bed.

“Let them help you.”

Any argument Becky has immediately dies out on her lips. She clamps her mouth shut and still looks incredibly pissed off as she drops her gaze down to her hand in her lap. Her eyes momentarily lift towards Sasha before they’re snapping back down again.

Sasha gives a small nod of affirmation for the doctor to proceed as she opts to stand off to the side and out of the way. She listens carefully to everything the doctor says and watches as he conducts his series of small tests. She’s left feeling incredibly unsettled when Becky appears to have trouble keeping her eyes focused and remembering mundane things like what the year is and even the spelling of her own last name.

The doctor checks Becky’s eyes one last time before giving a small shake of his head. “Well need to monitor you here for the rest of the night, possibly even tomorrow depending how you are in the morning. We’ll need to keep you on IV fluids and we’ll provide you with something to help ease the headaches as well.”

“Doc really I’m—”

“Becky, please just stop!” Sasha exclaims, once again shocking the room into silence. “You’re hurt and we just want to make sure you’re okay and don’t end up hurting yourself worse, okay? So please just listen to him and let them help you… _please_.”

“I…” the word gets caught in Becky’s throat and she’s eventually left sighing heavily as she slumps back into the bed.

“I’ll come back to check on you, okay?” Sasha offers, unsurprised when she’s only met with silence as a response. She follows the doctor back out into the hallway, and she waits for the door to click shut before she speaks. “I’m sorry…she’s usually…she doesn’t like to.”

He holds up a hand. “I understand. It’s quite normal for patients to exhibit this sort of behavior following a concussion. She’s confused and perhaps a bit afraid and the injury currently won’t allow her to figure out why. The frustration is warranted.”

Sasha nods, even though she only looks about halfway convinced. “Do you really think she’ll be okay by tomorrow?”

“It’s a projected guess, but only time will tell. If not tomorrow, then the next day for sure. Concussions, unfortunately, don’t just vanish after that. It’s not uncommon to still experience symptoms a few days out. From there, I would highly recommend she stay with someone to kind of help keep an eye on that.”

Instead of leaping into her throat, Sasha feels her heart drop just a tiny bit. “You mean, someone has to watch her?”

The doctor nods. “That would be the best case and honestly, the highly recommended scenario. With things that can come and go, it’s best not to risk anything that could possibly make it worse.”

“Okay…” Sasha responds quietly as she falls silent while trying to quickly work through something in her head. “Her um…I know you said you’re trying to keep visitors low, but our daughter is here, and she’d really like to see that Becky’s okay. If she’s up for it, do you think it would be okay if I bring her back to see her?”

“I don’t see why not. It could be something that could help as well.”

“Thank you…”

The walk back towards the waiting room is probably the longest walk Sasha has ever taken in her life. On a few short occasions she finds herself needing to stop and brace a hand against the wall and take a breath. On one occasion, a passing nurse stops and asks if she’s alright, but she waves the nurse off with a soft smile and a wave.

Once returning to the waiting room, she finds Bayley and Skye still sitting in their same corner where Skye has appeared to have commandeered Bayley’s phone to play some game. Sasha takes in the sight of purse innocence for as long as she can. It’s moments like this she wishes she could protect Skye from. She wishes she could just hide her away from all the horrible things because god knows she deserves better than that. So much better.

Crossing the room, Sasha lowers herself to her knees and places her hands on either side of the armrest of Skye’s chair. “Hey baby girl…” her own voice sounds foreign from how rough it’s gone.

“Mama?” Skye asks immediately as the game in her hand is now cast aside as not even a second thought. “Is Mama okay?”

Sasha shares a look with Bayley before she’s nodding. “Yeah, yeah. She’s okay. She just had a little accident…” she reaches up and combs her fingers through some of Skye’s hair when she immediately gasps. “But she’s okay and I talked to the doctor and he said it’s okay for you to see her. We just gotta wait a little bit, is that okay?”

Skye is quickly nodding her head as she scoots to the edge of her chair. “Did she wanna see me?” she asks excitedly.

“Yeah, Baby. She always wants to see you.”

Sasha is sure she’s never felt her heart swell and break at the exact same time when she sees the way Skye’s eyes immediately light up and the grin she’s sporting is so bright it could blind a whole city. It’s a smile that’s so familiar and not just from the face of her daughter and something akin to guilt settles itself in the very base of her stomach.

She makes sure that Skye is once again preoccupied by her game before Sasha is pulling Bayley off to the side. She shifts from foot to foot and nervously chews her lip before dropping her gaze to the floor. “It’s a lot of internal injuries,” she begins, getting straight to the point. “They’ve handled the internal bleeding and her ribs are gonna have to heal on their own but…she has a really bad concussion.”

“How bad is it?”

“She didn’t know the year or how to spell her name. She’s…very confused right now and that’s hard for her. I’m hoping if she sees Skye, she’ll kinda calm down a bit.”

“Christ…” Bayley sighs while tilting her head back just a bit. “What’d the doctor say? Are they gonna keep her?” 

Sasha nods. “For sure for the night, and maybe tomorrow too depending on how she is…” she trails off as she remembers the next part that left her a bit uneasy. “He um…he said once they release her she’s still going to need to be around someone…someone who can watch her and make sure she’s recovering properly.”

Bayley nods along before she stops and slowly tilts her head. Her eyes narrow briefly as she examines the way the other woman suddenly won’t look at her and how she’s become incredibly shifty over the past minute or so. Finally, it hits her and her face is morphing into one of realization. “Sasha…”

“Bayley I can’t!” Sasha doesn’t bother to defend herself or play dumb because she knows she’s been caught.

“Sasha, you have to…”

“I can’t and you know I can’t!”

Bayley quickly shakes her head. “No, I don’t know actually. Look I…” she huffs as she tries to gather her words. “I know what you’re thinking but just take a step back here. Take a step out of all of this and everything that’s happened and look at it plain and simple. She needs you right now, Sash.”

Sasha squeezes her eyes shut and her voice dissolves into something of a groan. “I know that, okay! I _know_ , but that doesn’t mean I _can_. I don’t know what she needs Bayley I can’t just…”

“You were married! If anyone is gonna know what she needs, it’s you! It’s not my business, okay? It’s never been my business but Becky is my best friend and I care about her a lot and I care about _you_. I wouldn’t say this if I didn’t think this was the best option,” Bayley holds her hands up defensively. “You know I would be there and I will be there, but they’re not just gonna let me off.”

“What, so your excuse is you can’t take off work? What about me!?”

“Sasha it’s not about…Christ, you’re telling me you can’t work from home!? Just for a bit!? Not to mention I know you and I _know_ you don’t take vacations! How much time do you have saved up!?”

“Bayley I can’t do this!”

“Why not!?”

“Because I just fucking can't okay!?” Sasha’s shout is loud enough to leave a bit of an echo and a few heads turning their direction. Huffing, she drags her hands roughly through her hair while shaking her head. “I can’t explain it and I know you want me to but _fuck_ I can’t do this.”

Bayley softens as she sees the moments those steel walls start to crack. She steps a bit closer and makes sure to keep her voice low. “Hey, listen. Maybe I’m about to step out of line here but I know it scares you,” seeing Sasha open her mouth to argue, she quickly holds a hand up. “Please just listen to me. I know it scares you because it scares the fuck out of Becky. God, if I could just tell you…and you know I can’t because it’s not my place, but god Sasha. If I could just tell you a little bit and hearing it, I think it wouldn’t be all that surprising to you because maybe…I think it’s not just Becky…and I think _that_ is what scares you.”

Sasha can only shake her head. The tears are at bay and they don’t fall, but that doesn’t stop to sob that threatens to slip out. Even as she tries to swallow it, it tries to rear its head as she speaks. “I don’t know what to do…”

“It’s not anything big just…just be there. She needs you, Sasha….and if not that then, please. Please do it for Skye.”

That’s the moment that Sasha knows she’s lost. Her eyes drift over Bayley’s shoulder back to her little girl who for the moment seems to be occupied without a care in the world. It’s like she’s successfully blotted out all of the pain and the anxiety and she’s succeeded in finding her own inner peace for the time being, even if she is a bit too young to fully understand everything that’s going on. It’s that innocence that will always have Sasha’s number to the very end.

Turning back to Bayley, the only thing she does is nod. It’s the only thing she can do because if she tries to speak, she knows that she won’t exactly have too much control on anything that slips out. She nods a few more times, but for herself as if mentally talking herself into walking a road that isn’t quite yet clear, and that? _That_ is what scares her above all else.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter for me was like...when you throw a curve ball that looks like it was gonna miss until it slowly curls itself back into the strike zone...  
> ...excuse my baseball reference. i hope you guys enjoyed this one! thoughts always welcome :)


	18. Chapter 18

******

Sasha stretches out her tired limbs and yawns greatly before settling back into the comfortable confines of her mattress. The blankets serve as something of a haven as she takes comfort in the soft material that brushes against her bare skin. For a moment, she contemplates not even sparing a glance at the time and resorting to tucking deeper into her blankets. It’s a weekend and she doesn’t have any plans, what better way to spend it than curled up in her bed, snoozing the day away?

A noise coming from somewhere in her apartment reminds her why she doesn’t fully commit to falling asleep. She smiles brightly as she glances over to the right side of her bed where the blankets are somewhat peeled back and the pillow has a small indention from where it had been slept on. Reaching over, her smile widens when her fingers catch the sheets and she finds that side of the bed is still more or less warm.

Sitting up, she stretches her arms above her head and swings her legs over the edge of her bed. Once she’s finally out of bed, she disappears into her walk-in closet for only a few moments before she’s reemerging clad in a thin robe. She pauses in front of her vanity mirror just long enough to tie her hair up into a semi neat ponytail before she’s deeming herself presentable enough to leave her bedroom. She doesn’t know what time it is, but it’s early enough for her to know that she’s not exactly needed to present for the time being.

The closer she gets to her living room, the more prominent the smell of food. Her stomach grumbles as the glorious scent of bacon wafts just past her nose and she feels like a starved kid with the way her mouth begins to water. She doesn’t head straight into the kitchen though. Instead, she’s pausing just inside her living room when she’s surprised to find her girlfriend sitting cross-legged on the floor in front of the coffee table.

Clad in a tank top and shorts, Becky sits slightly hunched over as she stares tiredly into the laptop sitting on the coffee table in front of her. Sasha stands and watches for a moment at how she’ll alternate between reaching for the coffee mug to her right and tiredly rubbing at both of her eyes beneath a pair of glasses. Judging by the other woman’s sluggish movements, Sasha knows she’s not the only one who’s been left wondering why she’s up so early.

“I smell food…” Sasha announces as she moves further into the living room. “I thought I banned you from my kitchen after the flour incident.”

Becky, who hadn’t even realized that Sasha had been standing there, jumps slightly. She halfway turns around and sends her girl a playful eyeroll. “If I remember correctly, I was minding my own business trying to make my cake in peace, and _you_ were the one who started throwing flour first. I was simply defending myself.”

Sasha tilts her head back and laughs. “Well, you defending yourself just about ruined my kitchen,” she hums quietly as she joins Becky on the floor and fully leans into her side. “What’re you working on?”

“Ah, core work bullshit,” Becky huffs and rubs her eyes again. “My eyes started crossing about an hour ago, so I don’t know if I’m supposed to be looking at chemistry or algebra.”

“Oof, tell me about it. I’ve got a test coming up at the end of the week and I think I’ve done everything just shy of literally soldering the material directly into my brain.”

Becky appears to be thinking for a moment before she taps her chin. “Hm…I didn’t think of that. You may be on to something, Babe.”

Sasha snorts. “Listen, if it turns out to be a million-dollar idea, we’ll be rich enough to move off to an island somewhere where we can retire at twenty-five and not have to find jobs.”

“God wouldn’t that be the dream…” Becky sighs and lets her head rest against the couch, taking a momentarily solace in the fingers that are running through her hair.

“It would…”

There’s a moment of silence between the two of them with Sasha keeping her fingers gently tangled in Becky’s hair and Becky’s eyes occasionally rolling closed as she’s nearly lulled right back to sleep. Sasha playfully rolls her eyes as she spots her girlfriend struggling to keep her eyes open. She laughs quietly when only a few seconds later, she hears what sounds like a soft snore.

Shaking her head, Sasha keeps a hand in Becky’s hair while casually leaning forward just enough to peer at Becky’s laptop. “Algebra,” she murmurs quietly to herself as she immediately recognizes the material. Her eyes drift to the notebook paper sitting next to the computer that’s about halfway filled with work problems. Her eyes dart between the paper and the laptop for a moment before she’s frowning slightly. “Huh…that’s not right.”

“What’s not right?” Becky mumbles groggily and only halfway paying attention.

“The first one,” Sasha removes her hand from Becky’s hair to grab the notebook and pull it closer to her. Her eyes flit over the page a few more times before she hums quietly. “The second one too because it’s working with the answer from the first one.”

Becky’s eyes blink open and she sits up slowly to find Sasha closely examining her homework. “Oh…uh…”

“Yeah, here. Do you have a pencil?”

“Oh um…sure…”

Taking the pencil, Sasha immediately begins erasing the page. “You forgot to distribute into your parentheses,” she begins as she starts scribbling on the page. “See, look. When there’s a number on the outside like that, you’re gonna wanna use the distributive property before you can solve for x. So here you have, 8(3x+7). Instead of 8(10x), it should be 24x+56. Now you can work on solving for x.”

Blinking a bit owlishly, Becky takes the pencil that’s offered to her. She hadn’t even realized she started blushing and she can’t exactly pinpoint why she’s even blushing in the first place. “Oh…I guess I just must’ve…forgot that part…I guess.”

Sasha frowns slightly. “I mean, it’s not a problem or anything. I can help if you want to—”

“No that’s okay,” Becky is quick to interrupt. “I think I’m ah, I’m gonna go get some food actually. You hungry? I made waffles a little bit ago.”

“I—” Sasha doesn’t even get to finish as Becky is quickly scrambling to her feet and heading for the kitchen. She’s left sitting alone, blinking in silent confusion as she tries to process what might’ve just happened.

When Becky doesn’t return, Sasha rises to her feet and follows suit towards the kitchen. She carefully peeks her head in the doorway and lingers for a moment as she watches Becky move around. Her movements are quick but stiff as she moves to scoop eggs onto a plate. The spatula scrapes against the pan, creating metallic noise that grates on the ears.

“Do you want anything on your eggs?”

“Babe…are you alright?”

Becky doesn’t turn around as she continues to set their plates. “Never better. I think I saw some cheese in there, and I can cut a green onion if you want.”

Sasha shakes her head and wraps her arms tighter around herself as she advances into the kitchen. “No, that’s okay. Um…what’s going on?”

Becky pauses for a split second and frowns. “What do you mean?”

“I mean you just kinda…” Sasha shakes her head unconvinced. “I didn’t mean anything by that, you know. I was just trying to…”

“No, no, you were just trying to help. I get that, it’s cool.”

Sasha lingers in the doorway for a moment longer before she’s carefully advancing into the kitchen. She can practically feel Becky’s tension radiating off her in waves, and it’s only amplified when she carefully places a hand on Becky’s shoulder.

“Baby, I wasn’t trying to…”

“Sash! I know! Okay!”

Becky’s voice leaves a bit of a lasting echo that startles the both of them. Working her jaw a few times, Becky eventually settles on sighing quietly through her nose as her shoulders drop. She shies away from Sasha’s touch as she shifts further down the counter, putting a respectable amount of distance between them.

With her hand still left lingering idle in the air from where it had been at Becky’s shoulder, Sasha’s fingers curl and her hand eventually drops dejectedly down to her side. She’s seen Becky get frustrated before. Hell, she’s sure they’ve been frustrated together on plenty of occasions, even in the comfortable time they’ve been together, but not once has she ever had such frustration directed towards her.

She knows what Becky needs, and she knows what she needs to do. That’s why it takes everything in her not to crowd and pry. She remains respectable of the distances set between them and she waits patiently while Becky appears to be working something out in her head.

For Sasha, it’s probably one of the most difficult things to do, because fixing things that’s just…that’s just what she _does_. That’s her thing. She’s goal-oriented and driven enough to the point that she just can’t all for even the smallest of problems to sit and potentially manifest into something larger and unmanageable. She’d rather just confront it upfront and be done with it.

Sasha has long since figured out that her girlfriend isn’t like that. She needs time to process and it’s often that Sasha has to remind herself to back off just a fraction and let Becky take the time she needs. It’s something that’s still a work in progress for the both of them, but Sasha is confident that with time, they’ll be able to meet in the middle.

“I didn’t mean to yell…” Becky mumbles quietly, almost too quietly to be heard. “Guess it’s just kinda…I really thought I was getting it.”

“Becky, it’s algebra,” Sasha shakes her head, inching closer. “That’s…it’s not easy on anybody.”

Becky chuckles, a little more bitter than she had intended. “It is for you…”

Sasha’s mouth opens quick with a response ready, but nothing comes out. Her teeth click slightly as her mouth snaps shut and her eyes dart down to the floor as she tries to remember the last time she actually took a math class. It might’ve actually been one of her early years in high school that she had been able to test out of mostly everything.

“Becky I’m…”

“Look, you don’t have to keep apologizing, okay? It’s my fault for overreacting anyway.”

Sasha’s frown returns. “Can you stop interrupting me and let me finish!?”

Becky’s eyes widen momentarily, and she eyes the full plate in her hand for a moment before she’s setting it down on the counter. “I think I should go…”

For the second time that morning, Sasha is left dumbfounded into silence as Becky walks away from her. This time, however, she doesn’t let her get far. Clenching her fists tightly, Sasha is hot on Becky’s heels and reaching out to grab her wrist before she can make a beeline for Sasha’s bedroom to presumedly grab her clothes from the night before.

“Why are you running from me right now!?”

“I’m not running! I just…fuck! I don’t wanna fight and we both seem to be in the mood for it and I just don’t wanna do it today!”

Sasha is quick to shake her head. “No one’s trying to— _I’m_ not trying to…” she huffs as she tries to regather her words. “I was just trying to help and I’m sorry if it came off any other way than that. I really just wanted to help.”

Becky huffs in frustration and her cheeks puff out from the action. Her face flushes and she looks everywhere but at the girl standing only a few inches away. “I’m sorry…” she mutters, taking in the full ramifications of her behavior just a few moments prior.

“Where did this come from?”

“I wanted to do it…”

It’s mumbled and quick and Sasha actually has to step closer ask she asks Becky to repeat. “What?”

Becky sighs loudly and tilts her head back. “It’s my work, I wanted to do it! And I thought I had. I thought I was getting it.”

Sasha bites her lower lip. “It’s okay if you don’t. It’s hard Becky, and that’s okay. We can study together and I can help—”

“I don’t _want_ you to help me, Sasha. I need to know how to do it.”

“But if you’re not understanding how can—”

“I’ll figure it out!”

Sasha immediately recoils. There’s more silence as she’s searching Becky’s eyes, her girlfriend almost silently pleading with her to let her have this. She drops Becky’s wrist and purses her lips together before she’s nodding.

Becky releases a sigh, that comes off as a breath she had been holding for a while. “Thank you…” she mumbles, before roughly dragging her fingers through her hair. “I still think I should go…”

“You don’t have to,” Sasha is quick to answer. “You made breakfast and we can…after that you can decide whatever, but right now I really would like it if you stayed.” She reaches out and interlaces their fingers. “Please.”

Becky looks down at their joined hands for a moment before she’s raising them to her lips and placing a gentle kiss on the back of Sasha’s. She nods silently and allows herself to be pulled off towards the kitchen. In front of her, Sasha is just as tired, her teeth still worrying her bottom lip as her jaw is pulled tight.

******

* * *

“Mommy?”

She doesn’t even realize she’s spaced out until she feels a series of tugs on her hand. Shaking her head, Sasha glances down to find her daughter looking back up at her expectantly. It isn’t until Skye gives her hand another tug, that she realizes the elevator has stopped and opened its doors.

“Sorry…” she mumbles, offering a small smile as she allows Skye to pull her off the elevator.

Sasha is thankful this floor is much calmer and quieter than the ER had been. They had been left to wait in the ER while they admitted Becky to a room, and she had felt her anxiety rising by the second every time something went loud over the PA system or if someone was brought in. On one occasion, Sasha had found herself protectively pulling Skye into her lap and covering her ears as a team of EMTs brought a woman into the ward. The woman’s blood curdling screams as she pulled against the restraints of the stretcher had turned Sasha’s blood to ice.

She’s actually lost count as to how long they’ve been at the hospital. She assumed that when she had asked if it was okay to let Skye back, that it would be an immediate thing. It was only about twenty or so minutes later that a nurse came out and informed her that since they needed to keep Becky for the night, it would probably be best until they have her situated in a room. Then it would be “more comfortable for everyone”. That’s what the nurse had said. Sasha had wanted to laugh in the woman’s face and demand to know who in their right mind would ever be legitimately comfortable in a place like this, but she hadn’t. She had only offered a tight-lipped smile and a quiet “thank you” in response.

“Skye, you can’t follow me if you’re in front of me, Baby.”

Skye, who had been just a bit overzealous, pouts slightly before returning to her mother’s side. “Sorry,” she says quietly as she takes Sasha’s hand once again.

“It’s alright. We’re almost there.”

They were nearing the room number they had been given by a nurse downstairs. With each step, Sasha finds her throat getting just a bit tighter. If it weren’t for Skye, she’s sure she would been trembling just from sheer nerves alone.

Bayley had been called out on another emergency call. Sasha totally understood. Hell, she had been married to Becky for years, she more than understood how things like this worked. If that weren’t enough, the ice storm was quite content to tie up all first responders and she wasn’t at all shocked to find Ronda in a similar situation; stuck clear across the city. Sasha understood, but she couldn’t help but bitterly laugh at her luck. By then, her finger hovered over Charlotte’s name in her phone, but she ultimately settled on sending a text message.

‘Lynch, Becky’

Sasha’s eyes dart over the information chart on the outside of the room. She carefully peers through the square window of the closed door before she takes a small step back and looks down at Skye. “We’re gonna go in, okay? But your Ma is a little hurt right now, so I need you to be kinda careful okay?”

Skye’s eyes are wide and nearly sparkling as she nods quickly. “Promise!”

Taking a deep breath, Sasha lightly knocks on the door before slowly pushing it open. Skye wiggles in front of her and pokes her head inside. Sasha shakes her head and laughs quietly.

The room is quiet for the most part, save for the minimal canned noise from the television and Becky’s mumbling as she quickly flips through the channels. Upon hearing the noise at the door, she sits up a bit straighter, ready to tell the doctor, or nurse, or whoever is sent to poke and prod at her to take a slow boat to hell. She doesn’t get the chance though. Her eyebrows immediately shoot up at the little girl inching her way into the room.

“Hey…” she croaks, her voice rough and raspy from being in and out of consciousness for hours.

“Mama!”

“Skye!”

The firmness in Sasha’s voice stops Skye from preparing to take a running leap on the bed. She winces when she looks up to see her mother glaring back at her in disapproval. “Oh…oops…”

Seeing Sasha about to reprimand the girl, Becky gently cuts in. “Hey, it’s okay. Here kiddo, c’mere,” she tries to hide her grimace as she pushes herself up and over on the bed to make room. The act proved to take a lot more strength out of her than she initially though as she’s left sighing tiredly, before she’s patting the empty space next to her. “C’mon.”

“Becky, I don’t know…” Sasha’s eyebrows have knit together rather uneasily.

“It’s okay. Really, I promise,” Becky leans over as much as her body will allow to assist as Skye crawls into bed next to her.

Sasha swallows thickly and clasps her hand tightly together in front of her as she watches the two settle on the bed. “How, um…how are you feeling?”

Becky snorts. “Like I got hit by a carload of idiots,” she tries to follow it up with a laugh, but her laugh dies out when she sees that the dry humor didn’t exactly land with Sasha. “I’m alright. Everything hurts still and I’m still dealing with some of the haziness…and Christ, don’t even get me going on the headaches. Whatever they’re giving me sure as fu—ah, it’s not enough.”

“But you’re okay, though???” Skye cuts in with wide innocent eyes.

Becky smiles tiredly and gently brushes her fingers through Skye’s hair. “Yeah, Kid. I’m alright,” she chuckles quietly. “If I wasn’t, I wouldn’t be able to do this.”

Before Skye can even ask what ‘this’ is, she finds a very obnoxious and sloppy series of kisses placed on her face. She shrieks and laughs trying to wiggle free as Becky holds her firmly in place. “Mama!” she shrieks as Becky blows a raspberry on her cheek. “You’re so weird!”

“Not as weird as you!”

“Nuh uh!”

“Yeah huh!”

From her spot over in one of the guest chairs, Sasha watches the two with a small smile. Their laughter fills the room with identical grins that can easily power the next two cities over. She’s hit with a warm feeling of what could be nostalgia, before it’s replaced by a sudden sinking sadness as reality doesn’t even allow her a moment’s delusion before settling back over her like a heavy weighted cloud.

It’s…nice though. That’s the word she comes up with as she sits off to the side and watches as Skye rambles about, telling Becky about this that and the other as if they hadn’t seen each other nearly a rough seven days ago. For someone as young as Skye, the whole world can happen in seven days and Sasha watches with pride and amazement as Skye lights up in excitement.

She also takes note of how Becky takes in everything Skye is saying. Even with the girl talking about a mile a minute, Becky doesn’t appear to even miss a beat. She’s nodding along, offering congratulations when Skye shares her school performance, and offering advice on what to do to make sure she stays on top of things.

Skye talks until she can’t talk anymore. Eventually her words are becoming garbled and her eyes are lulling closed. In true kid fashion, she tries her best to fight it, but sleep eventually wins out and she’s left slumping against Becky’s shoulder. Her mouth is left half open as she snores quietly.

“This…is your kid,” Becky chuckles quietly as she nudges Skye’s mouth closed to keep her from drooling everywhere.

“Stop,” Sasha playfully rolls her eyes before her tone turns a bit more serious. “How are you feeling? Really?”

Becky smiles, but this time it’s rather tight and almost pained. “You mean physically or everything else?”

“I dunno…” Sasha mumbles quietly before she shrugs. “All of it?”

Sighing quietly, Becky lets her head fall against the pillow she’s propped up. “Physically, everything hurts pretty fuckin’ bad. I kinda wish they’d give me something that’d knock me out completely, but with the concussion and everything, they said that’s not such a good idea. Guess my med tolerance is kinda high.”

Sasha laughs quietly. “Tell me about it. Being in labor with that one, I so badly just wanted them to knock me out and pull her out.”

“I remember. Heh, I also remember how you almost took my hand off too.”

“And how you almost passed out.”

“I…yeah, that definitely happened. More than once.”

The laugh they share is quiet and light, while being layered with a small veil of shyness. Sasha finds herself dropping her gaze down to her lap where she’s been unconsciously fiddling with her hands. It’s something Becky had noticed as soon as Sasha stepped into the room.

“Your nerves are showing,” Becky points out.

Sasha frowns and looks up quickly. “What?”

Becky grins and nods towards Sasha’s. “You always do that with your hands when your nerves are bad. Skye does it too.”

“Oh…” Sasha laughs bashfully, while tucking a strand of hair behind her ear. “It’s always been kind of a habit I guess.”

“Yeah…always…” Becky responds softly before clearing her throat. “Thanks for bringing Skye and…thanks for being here. You didn’t have to, and you are and I just…I really appreciate that.”

That same weighted feeling in her chest returns and only this time, it opts to linger. It lingers just like Becky’s gaze does and suddenly Sasha feels way too open and way too exposed. It’s almost as if Becky is looking directly through her to see her inner most thoughts and greatest fears.

“When I um…When I got that call, I thought they were telling me that you were…that you were…” Sasha has to pause as she can’t even push the words from her throat. “Even when I got here, and Bayley was here and they hadn’t even told her anything, so we literally didn’t’ know anything.”

“I don’t remember much about what happened,” Becky whispers. She glances down to where Skye has made herself more comfortable against her, tucked comfortably into her side with her head halfway on her chest. Her fingers lightly stroke the side of the girl’s cheek while she sleeps. “I remember we got the call and I thought it was stupid because the roads were so bad. I remember catching up to the guys and seeing them hit another car and then…nothing. I remember waking up here in so much pain, not knowing where I was. Everything was just…fuck, everything was so confusing, Sash. It felt like my head had been filled with murky water and someone was asking me to try and see through it. I wanted to go home and then I saw you walk in and for a second I thought…I thought we were still…”

Becky has to clear her throat to disguise the subtle crack. Her hand itches to move, itching to reach up to grasp the two familiar rings hanging from a chain tucked into her hospital gown. But she doesn’t. She keeps her motions still, while occasionally checking in on Skye next to her.

“Stuffs been going in and out,” Becky shakes her head, content with not taking the dangerous road less traveled. “It doesn’t matter. I’ll stick it out tomorrow and then they can let me out of here. My living room couch is about leagues more comfortable than this bed.”

“Ah, yeah. Um…” this is the part Sasha hadn’t been quite sure how she was going to approach or even plan for. “I’m sure the doctor told you, but after they release you, you can’t be by yourself yet.”

Becky rolls her eyes and shakes her head. “They just say that stuff ‘cause they have to. I’ll be good to go home.”

Sasha sets her jaw and huffs quietly through her nose. The stubbornness of this woman is truly legendary and it’s something she certainly hasn’t forgotten even with the couple of years they’ve been separated. “Yeah, that’s not gonna happen.”

“Sasha, don’t…”

“Look, I know you think you can do everything yourself. You’ve always thought that, and I’ve always let you win, but this time please just…this is your health Becky, and if something happened to you, I wouldn’t be able to…”

Sasha cuts herself off by biting down hard on her lower lip. Her eyes dart from Becky to their daughter who is sleeping so soundly. It’s probably the most comfortable Sasha has seen her sleep and she doesn’t know long. Before long, she finds herself needing to look away as she tilts her head back and sighs in resignation.

“Please…just this once let me help you.”

Becky hadn’t even realized she’d been nearly grinding her teeth with each word Sasha spoke. _‘I can do it’_ No matter how badly she wants to argue the offer back, the words won’t come. They had all come easy before, because she had felt that she needed to get them out. That they needed to be said in order for her to present herself as acceptable to the rest of the world. Now? Now it’s like they’re lodged deep within her throat, stuck and muddled beyond recognition.

The pleading in Sasha’s eyes is something she hasn’t seen in…she doesn’t remember. “I…” for the nth time, her voice gets caught in her throat, restricting her train of thoughts. When she looks up, she finds that Sasha hasn’t once looked away from her, and in that moment, the only thing she can do is nod and murmur quietly.

“Okay…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahhhh! Where do we go from here hmmm???? Thoughts always welcome :D!


	19. Chapter 19

******

It’s far too early. Well…she hasn’t exactly opened her eyes yet, but she knows it’s far too early to be awake for anything anyway. The room is settled with a slight chill from the changing weather outside, but this is probably the warmest she’s ever slept in her own bed, and for very good reason. Despite her unconscious attempts to pull herself back into the sleep she had been enjoying so much, a small smile pulls at her lips as she settles snuggly back into the comfortable embrace that served as her warm haven for the duration of the night.

It might’ve been the third or fourth night in a row, she’s not exactly sure. All she knows is it’s another one of the consecutive nights where she hasn’t fallen asleep alone. It had definitely taken some getting used to. The first night she was taken off guard when she had groggily gotten up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom. It had taken her a little more work to get out of bed than it should have, and it took a second for her to fight through her sleep induced haze to realize it was due to the arm wrapped tightly around her midsection. The realization that night had her biting her lip in a poor attempt to fend off a giddy smile.

They’ve only been seeing each other around a month or so and Sasha definitely hadn’t expected her to be the cuddling type. The overall ‘tough girl’ exterior was something Sasha had been able to see right through the moment they met, but something as far as _cuddling_ was most definitely the very last thing to appear even as the tiniest of blips on her radar. She can’t exactly say she’s complaining though, she finds it rather cute.

Sighing quietly through her nose, her eyes pop open when she has to resign that her attempts at chasing sleep have proved futile. Beneath her duvet, she stretches her legs before she turns over onto to her other side. There’s a quiet groan as the arm thrown over her waist had been momentarily displaced, but the grip returns once she’s settled back into the mattress. Sasha playfully rolls her eyes when she’s met with the nothing more than a face deep and content in sleep.

If there’s another thing she’s figured out it’s that Becky has the habit of sleeping like the dead. Sasha’s pretty sure she could set off fireworks in the other woman’s ears and she would have no problems sleeping straight through it. It amuses her to no end that Becky will not even be completely aware she’s pretty much keeping her hostage in the night. Sasha files it away with the reminder to tease Becky about it later.

“You’re ruinin’ it…”

Sasha raises an eyebrow and her grin forms into a curious smirk. “What am I ‘rooinin’?”

With her eyes still closed, Becky’s noise scrunches up at the butchering attempt to imitate her accent. “That was…pretty terrible,” she sniffs haughtily. She then proceeds to yawn loudly and exaggeratedly while being fully aware how close Sasha has gotten since she first turned over.

Sasha’s nose crinkles immediately following the yawn. “Ew, morning breath!”

“You’re the one that decided to get in my face,” Becky yawns again. Her other arm joins the one she has around Sasha’s waist and she gives a gentle squeeze before rolling onto her pack and successfully pulling Sasha on top of her. “You’re mean in the mornin’, y’know that?”

Sasha rolls her eyes. “I’m mean all the time. Besides, you’re the one that stayed. You knew what you were getting into.”

Becky hums quietly and falls silent. With her eyes still closed, she’s so quiet for such a time that Sasha begins to wonder if she’s dozed off again. She wouldn’t be surprised after all. It isn’t until she physically feels the rumble from the low laugh in Becky’s chest, does Sasha realize she’s still awake.

“I didn’t sign up for you wakin’ me up just to mock me though…that seems like it’s a bit unfair, yeah? Where was that in the contract agreement?”

“It’s a part of the default sign up package when you agree to stay the night.”

“Hmmm…some shady business you’re doin’ here ma’am. I don’t know if I like that.”

“Mmm….well you better like it.”

“Yeah? How you gonna convince me?” 

For such a lazy start to the morning, the kiss is still deep enough to have Sasha’s toes curling. If there’s another thing she’s picked up in just these few number of weeks, it’s the fact that she some how landed what she would argue is the finest kisser to ever walk this earth. She’s fully aware as to how storybook her prime explanation sounds, but it’s totally not uncommon for her brain to turn to mush the second their lips just barely brush together. Being reduced to such a mess that can only be closely described as an inexperienced schoolgirl is something that is completely out of her norm, but she can’t even begin to lie and say she doesn’t feel damn lucky for it. 

The intended laugh dissolves into a low moan as Becky reverses their position and she finds herself on her back. As their bodies are now flush together, she’s pressed further into her mattress while simultaneously arching up to keep Becky as close as possible. Her hands come up to grasp at Becky’s shoulders before moving to tangle into the thick strands of orange that curtain around them.

“I-I thought you were tired,” Sasha does her best to sound coy despite the fact she’s a bit breathless. A gasp, much more akin to a squeak, is pulled from her throat as Becky doesn’t relent and instead turns attention to the underside of her chin.

“Mmm…” Becky hums low and deep while teasingly nipping at the skin. “Guess I’m feeling pretty awake now…”

Sasha gasps and lifts her chin to allow the other woman better access. The noises coming from her are just downright embarrassing and even more so is the whine that escapes her when Becky pauses her actions all together. Instead, Becky chooses to hover over here, wearing the laziest, most devilish smirk that Sasha has yet to experience. Reaching up, she tangles a hand deeper into Becky’s hair before moving with the intent to pull her into a deeper kiss.

“Beck—”

Sasha’s eyes fly open as she’s interrupted by the sound of loud pounding echoing through her apartment. Still being kissed senseless, she blinks owlishly as her brain tries to process the noise. It isn’t until it happens again that she’s gasping and giving a quick shove to Becky’s shoulders.

“Oh my god!”

“Wha?” Becky groans, sounding almost a bit dissatisfied at the sudden interruption. “What’s wrong?”

“Shit! What time is it!” Sasha hisses while scrambling towards her phone on her nightstand. As soon as she opens the screen, her eyes get impossibly wider and she gasp. “Oh shit!”

Sasha doesn’t think twice as she scrambles from beneath Becky and out of bed. She does a momentarily panicked spin before grabbing the first shirt she sees, a black graphic tee haphazardly splayed halfway across the room. Not a few seconds later, she’s all but sprinting from her bedroom while simultaneously stuffing her head through the shirt.

The knocking hasn’t let up and only serves to get even louder the closer Sasha gets to the door. She doesn’t have to look through the peephole to know. Instead, she’s tilting her head back and saying a silent prayer before she’s swinging the door open. She’s totally unsurprised to find her rather fuming best friend standing on the other side and still Sasha does the best she can to offer the most casual smile she can muster. 

“Hey Char. Morning.”

Charlotte raises an eyebrow. “It’s almost noon…” she says flatly before moving to enter Sasha’s apartment.

Sasha worries her bottom lip and sends up another silent prayer before closing the door. When she turns around, she tries to keep a neutral expression as Charlotte is standing in the middle of her living room staring her down. Eventually, she sighs, and her shoulders drop.

“Sorry…I must’ve overslept.”

“Overslept?” Charlotte echoes with a frown still firmly in place. “We were supposed to meet almost two hours ago!”

Sasha winces as that’s the first time she’s been made fully aware of just what time it is. “I’m sorry! I must not have heard my phone!”

Charlotte rolls her eyes. “Didn’t you set an alarm?”

“Yes…”

No. It’s a complete lie and Sasha realizes it the moment it leaves her mouth. Thinking back to the night before, she recalls herself having been so busy with _other_ things, that it completely slipped her mind.

They had been meant to meet up and work on a school project. This was their third time trying and it just so happened that today was the day that their chaotic schedules just so happened to align. Sasha had absolutely written it on her calendar, but Becky had showed up in the evening with Chinese food and a grin she couldn’t say no to. From there, everything was just left up in the air.

“What are you wearing?”

Sasha blinks quickly, having been snapped out of her reverie. Her mouth opens and as she takes a quick glance down, she realizes that she must’ve grabbed Becky’s t-shirt in her haste to get to the door. For a split second she winces, and while she hopes she had time to recover, looking back up at Charlotte’s face lets her know otherwise.

Charlotte’s narrowed eyes widen quickly, and her mouth falls open just a fraction. “Sasha!” she exclaims before glancing around quickly and letting her voice drop down to a harsh whisper. “You’re still seeing her!?”

Wincing at the accusatory tone, Sasha quickly shakes her head. “Can you not right now!? She’s still here!”

“Well obviously!” Charlotte throws her hands up. “Sash, I thought…I thought you were done with it?”

“I…” Sasha’s voice gets caught in her throat as she recalls a previous conversation they had shared not all that long ago. She works her jaw several times and eventually settles on shrugging her shoulders before they fall. “We kept hanging out and stuff just kind of…I don’t know. I think…I could really like her. I think I do, actually. She’s been staying over a lot this week.”

Charlotte makes a face that can be closely described as one of disgust. It’s a face she’s found herself making quite often for the duration of the most recent month. She had tried. She really had, but it was the second time they hung out as a group that she felt the need to tell Sasha what was up. She wasn’t coming from a place of ill will, she just wanted to keep it honest with her best friend as they have the entire time they’ve known each other.

“I know she’s not…someone I would normally be with and at first I thought that too, but I don’t know. The more time we spend together, the more open I am. She’s really nice, Char.”

“And a bit of a loser…”

“Charlotte!”

Once again, Charlotte is quickly holding up her hands in defense. “I’m sorry! Look, if you want this, I can’t make that decision for you. I just…I don’t want to see you get hurt, okay? She’s a drifter and her type don’t usually…commit to stuff.”

Sasha nods and worries her bottom lip. If she’s being honest, that is a bit of what she had been afraid of and a thought she’s had on multiple occasions. Even as it’s still early on, there’s still a small point of hesitation, but she finds herself wanting more and more to just take the chance.

“Well…I think I wanna try and if it doesn’t work…” Sasha tries to make her shrug come off as convincing.

“If it doesn’t work, then at least I _know_ …and I can’t say I didn’t try.”

******

* * *

“Careful…careful!”

“Sash…” Becky holds up a hand, pausing mid movement from where she was about to stand up from the passenger seat of Sasha’s car. She tries to offer a smile through the sharp pain that had shot through her side at the twisting motion from trying to stand. “I’ve got it.”

Sasha closes her mouth and huffs. “Can you please stop being stubborn for five minutes and just…”

While Sasha had been talking, Becky had gotten enough of a grip onto the car itself for assistance. She raises her eyebrows slowly. “I’ve got it.”

Sasha had a prepared protest at the ready, but she opts to file it away for now. Instead, she only nods while making sure Becky keeps an even footing as they make their way into the house. She has her purse in her left hand while she has a duffel bag full of Becky’s belongings in her right. There had been a bit of a brief squabble when they first arrived in the garage when Sasha had opted to retrieve the bag against Becky’s insistence that she could carry her own things inside.

It is the day Becky had been discharged from the hospital and for Sasha it has been probably one of the most anxiety inducing days she’s experienced in quite some time. She had spent most of the day prior clearing it with her boss to work from home while simultaneously all her cases had been spear headed enough to hand off to other attorneys. Sasha had done everything she could to keep busy, until she finally got the call to pickup Becky.

From there, the car ride had been quiet for the most part. Sasha asking Becky how she was feeling and Becky responding with only hums and nods. “It could be worse. I could’ve gotten run over.” She had tried to laugh that off. Sasha hadn’t found that funny. 

Never before has she felt more out of place, more like a _stranger_ , just from stepping through the door of her own house. The air is heavy and the temperature cold as her hand lingers just on the knob of the open door. Next to her, Becky remains unmoving for the most part, her eyes wide as she takes in the cold familiarity of the kitchen.

“I’ve um…readied the guest room down here for you. So, you don’t have to worry about the stairs, and you’ll be closer to the kitchen.”

Becky nods her thanks quietly as she trails a few paces behind Sasha as she’s led to the guest room. Not led. She doesn’t need to be led anywhere here. She knows this house better than she knows any other place on earth. She’s moved from room to room both in reality and in her dreams. Those dreams are the ones she cherishes the most. The _dreams_. The ones where she’s been fooled just enough to think that everything is the way it should be. Like the past two years have been the consistent nightmare and finally, after having been punished enough, she’s allowed to wake up and carry on with life while working to not make the mistakes that turned everything on its head.

The guest room is perhaps what she’s most recently familiar with. It’s what had become _her_ room in all those months leading up to their split. She remembers all those nights she had spent in this very room, staring restlessly up at the ceiling. All those nights where she had tossed and turned because she just couldn’t get comfortable as everything had just felt foreign and wrong. 

“I brought some extra pillows and a blanket,” Sasha announces as she reenters the room with her arms full of the extra bedding. She pauses when she notices Becky seems to be spaced out and staring absently at the wall. “Becky…?”

Blinking herself back into existence, Becky hadn’t even much realized she had completely spaced out until Sasha called her name. “Oh…thanks. You didn’t have to do that.”

Shrugging, Sasha carefully sets the pillows on the bed. “It’s really as a just in case. It can get pretty cold here at night anyways, so I just wanted to make sure…”

“I remember…” Becky nods and whispers quietly as an almost sad smile finds her lips.

Sasha nervously shifts from foot to foot before averting eye contact. “I’ll let you get settled then. I’ll just…I’ll be in the living room getting some work done. Just yell if you need anything…or you could text me or just…whatever.”

Again, Becky falls silent as she nods while watching the other woman exit the room. She’s sure in the entire time they were together, even before they were married, Becky can most definitely count on one hand the number of times she’s seen Sasha like this. Hell, if she’s being honest, she’s pretty sure she has to dive into the deeper parts of her mind and double check to make sure she isn’t making anything up. The blatant display of nerves is such a rarity, and somehow it hits Becky with a wave of achy nostalgia that takes her back to all those years ago. She can’t exactly she blames Sasha for feelingly slightly uncomfortable.

The next hour passes by for her in a blur. After struggling through what she closely attests as the most painful shower she’s ever experienced in her life, she had opted to try and rest. The attempt proved disgustingly futile as she had simply ended up staring at the ceiling for close to thirty minutes. She almost wanted to laugh at the mirthless irony and the bitter déjà vu.

Feeling far too restless, she makes the split second decision to get out of bed. It takes her a little more work than typically necessary as her injured ribs loudly protest along side the aches and bruises of her limbs. She heaves a tired sigh before slowly shuffling towards the door.

As soon as she opens the door, she’s hit with warmth and the faintest scent of apples and cranberry. Her eyebrows furrow together at the slowly creeping ache that makes itself prevalent in her chest. It had always been Sasha’s favorite fusion scented candle. Becky remembers the first time Sasha had bought a whole stash of them. She had playfully given her girlfriend at the time so much shit for the obsession, but as years passed, it soon became the scent she can only associate with home.

“No, yeah. I got all my work stuff taken care of. I just got in somewhere around an hour ago.”

Becky pauses just off the living room, listening as Sasha appears to be on the phone.

“Yeah…she’s here. She’s doing okay, I think. She was moving around a bit earlier, but I think she might have fallen asleep.”

There’s a pause.

“I…I know. It’s just…there weren’t really any other options. No, don’t apologize! You haven’t…you’ve been fine. It’s totally understandable.”

Becky knows she shouldn’t be listening in while Sasha appears to be on the phone, but for whatever reason she can’t talk her feet into moving away.

“No, I know…and that’s okay. I…oh. That was this weekend. Oh my god…” 

Sasha sighs audibly. “Fuck. No, no…Skye’s been really looking forward to it and I don’t…fuck. You can still take her if you’re up for that? No…no, I _know_ it won’t be, but I can’t just…okay. We can talk about it, but I still think the two of you should go. I…okay…we’ll talk.”

Becky raises her eyebrows as she listens to the phone call end. She remains idle for a good moment while she continues to listen carefully. It isn’t until she hears the familiar sound of fingers flying over a keyboard that she slowly shuffles forward and into the living room. She immediately spots Sasha on the couch, feet curled underneath her as she types away on her computer.

“Hey…” Becky says quietly, immediately wincing when even her quiet greeting startles the other woman. “Sorry. Didn’t mean to scare you.”

“No, it’s alright. I just didn’t here you come in,” Sasha frowns and adjusts her glasses from where they had momentarily slipped down her nose. “What are you doing up? I thought you were sleeping.”

Becky tries to keep her shrug casual as best she can. “Couldn’t get comfortable, I guess. Is it okay I join you?”

She immediately picks up the way Sasha tenses up and the even more hesitant nod. Glancing around, Becky instead opts to take a seat in one of the plush chairs nearby so as to give Sasha her space on the couch. She sighs quietly as she allows her sore body to relax into the cushions.

“So…” she draws out the way one does when starting conversation. “Where’s Skye?”

“She’s still at school,” Sasha responds, without missing a beat as she resumes her typing. “Ronda should be picking her up in about an hour or so.”

Becky’s jaw clicks. “Oh…” she mumbles, her tongue pressed against the inside of her cheek while she mulls over what to say next. “Skye seems to like her then, huh?”

Sasha momentarily quirks an eyebrow, but she doesn’t look away from her computer screen. “They do get along great together, yes. She’s supposed to take Skye camping this weekend, but now I don’t know…”

“Oh…you were supposed to go too, right?”

This time, Sasha’s eyebrows shoot up and stay there as she tries to remember when she might have mentioned that. Becky quickly holds up her hands in an attempt to ease the sudden tension. “I caught the tail end when I came out of the room. I didn’t want to interrupt you or anything. I do have to ask though…” she bites her lip, thinking for a moment before she continues on. “Were you gonna tell me that? It seems like it was planned to happen over a weekend and that’s…”

“Your time with her, I know…” Sasha finishes off with a nod and a quiet sigh. “I was going to ask you about it. I figured you wouldn’t mind because Skye had been so excited about it and she doesn’t usually get to do stuff like that on the weekend. I was still going to ask and then…everything happened here and then with you and it just…never really came up again.”

“Oh…” Becky repeats. She’s not sure where to go from here as she can feel herself kind of playing dangerously close to the edge of a cliff that she’s not quite sure she wants to topple over. “How have things been?”

Sasha seems surprised at the question, but she immediately recovers with a shrug. “Fine. Skye is at the top of her class with the best grades and perfect attendance.”

Becky snorts and makes a face. “Sash, she’s seven. Do they even have a ‘top of your class’ when you’re in third grade?”

Sasha laughs quietly. “You know what I mean. She’s doing really well. She’s also decided she’s bored with dance and she wants to try something else,” she shakes her head and rolls her eyes. “She says she wants to try karate or something. I think might’ve actually been judo.”

“Judo!?” Becky blinks owlishly. “She’s seven! How does she even know what that is!?”

Sasha’s can’t help but laugh more openly at the exclamation. “I don’t know, but that’s what she says she wants. I’ve started looking at classes.”

Chucking, Becky shakes her head as she tries to imagine it. “Well, listen. Let me chat with some of the guys down at the station and see if they recommend any places that have good youth programs. Once I find one, I’ll take care of it.”

“Becky, you don’t have—”

“I want to, and…she’s my kid,” Becky shrugs and laughs almost nervously. “I wanna do it, and it’ll be one less thing off your plate. I’ll handle paying for it and getting her to practices and stuff. After this happened, I think I wanna cut back on work for a little bit.”

It’s true what they say that near death experiences are pretty much what it takes to pull even the most stubborn bulls’ heads out of their asses. She had ample time alone to herself in the hospital where she couldn’t help but think of all of the stuff she had missed out on and all the stuff she _would have_ missed out on if her accident had turned out any worse. The thought had scared her, and she certainly didn’t want to risk making that a reality.

“That’d be really great…” Sasha murmurs quietly. It’s in her nature to protest, but she lets this be the time she bites her tongue. “Thank you.”

“Don’t thank me. Not for stuff like that,” Becky quickly shakes her head before awkwardly rubbing at the back of her neck. “You shouldn’t have to try and pull stuff like that out of me…not anymore.”

Sasha opens her mouth, but eventually settles on simply swallowing her words. She offers a tiny smile, and it’s in that moment that it hits her this is probably the most cordial they have been in quite some time. The realization is immediately washed over with a small sense of worry and a small voice in the back of her mind that sounds like something oddly close to a warning. The same warning that perhaps she should have listened to the first time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sheesh, caught my own self slippin' in my feels here. Haha. Thanks for reading!


	20. Chapter 20

******

“You’re not driving me out somewhere to murder me in my own car, are you?”

Becky quirks an eyebrow in amusement. Though she doesn’t look away from the road, she angles her head just enough to regard the girl in the passenger seat with a tiny but knowing smirk. “That’d be a hell of a story, don’t you think? What do you think they’d say when I tell them you gave me the keys?”

Sasha scrunches up her nose. “Nobody’s gonna believe you. I mean think about it, if something happens to me and then you tell them ‘oh she just gave me the keys’, you’re still the last person to have seen me.”

“Well…it could be a set up,” Becky shrugs.

“It’s not like television,” Sasha giggles and shakes her head. “No one’s gonna believe I tried to set you up and frame you for my own killing. Besides, what stake would I have in that anyway? What’s in it for me? If I end up murdered, I don’t exactly think there’s much benefit I would reap from that.”

Becky tries her best to keep a straight face, but she’s unable to do so. She laughs openly and eventually shakes her head. “No sense in arguing with a law genius then, huh?”

Sasha rolls her eyes. “Please. It’s not even that. Just anybody would think to ask the right questions. You wouldn’t get away with it.”

“You might be putting a bit too much faith in the idea that the police are gonna ask the important questions.”

Seemingly sparked with interest, Sasha’s eyebrows raise as she sits up a bit in her seat. “Oh? You don’t think they’re gonna ask the right questions?”

Becky’s fingers tap against the steering wheel while she carefully manufactures a response. “I mean, I guess you could say that you have to get lucky with the right ones, you know? The ones who care enough.”

“Well, I’d like to think that they’re in that profession for the reason that they care enough,” the way Becky snorts and starts shaking her head has Sasha intrigued. Her frown is small, but her smile is still prominent as she slightly tilts her head as the other woman continues to laugh. “What?”

“Nothing,” Becky chuckles and shakes her head again. “Guess I just wish I had your same view on those kinds of things. On people. That people decide to do something for the lone reason that they care so much.”

“Oh, so you disagree?”

“I mean, kind of? Sometimes it seems like people do it ‘cause they feel like they don’t have a choice, or they think it’ll make them feel better, or they’re doing it to prove a point.”

Sasha hadn’t much thought of it like that. She’s always been someone who’s solid and sure on just what she wants. She knew pretty early on what her dream was going to be and why, but she hadn’t ever really considered that it might not be the same for everyone else. She didn’t need to. She had always liked to think that people made their decisions based on their own sense of self-purpose. That everyone had a direction.

“Why do you wanna be a lawyer?”

“Huh?”

Becky’s grin widens at having caught Sasha in her brief daydream. “You. You’re pretty set on becoming a lawyer, right? How come you wanna do that?”

Sasha opens her mouth quickly with a response ready, but for some reason her words don’t come. It’s strange. She’s been asked the question countless times through out her life. Hell, when she stood up to her parents at age seven and told them that’s what she wanted to do, she even had an answer ready then, no matter how childish the reason ‘they obviously make the most money’ had been at that time.

“I’ve always kind of thought that’s where I’ll best find my fit?” As she pauses, Sasha’s laugh is colored with a small hint of nostalgia. “I can’t exactly tell you how or when. My parents like to tell me I came out ready to argue at birth, which is kind of impossible when you really start to think about it. From there I just…I don’t know? It really is something that I just kind of grew into. I joined debate pretty early on and I enjoyed that so much, I think I knew then that I wanted to make a life out of it. I wanted to put that feeling of success to good use for other people, you know? I know the typical cheesecake response is ‘I wanna help people’, but I think that really is the root of it.”

This is the third time they’ve gone out together, and Becky would like to say she’s surprised by the selflessness of the response, but she can’t. That had been one of the things that had drawn her in immediately. She had never met another person who was so strictly driven and ambitious, but so incredibly selfless at the same time. Normally, people like that Becky tended not to trust as far as she could carry them, but something about Sasha was just different.

“I really wish more people thought like you…” _‘I wish I did.’_

As the drive falls silence, Sasha is left to quietly exam Becky as she focuses on the road. Well, it _appears_ that she’s focused on the road, but on further inspection, Sasha can clearly see that she’s getting lost in her own thoughts. She chews her lip for a moment as she contemplates the careful steps she can take to inquire just what those thoughts are.

“What about you?”

The corner of Becky’s mouth lifts momentarily. “What about me?”

Sasha shrugs, not knowing what else to say as she had assumed the simplicity of her question would have been enough. “I don’t know. Your thoughts on everything? The whole idea of doing something because you want to and not just because you have to.”

After a brief moment of thought, Becky mirrors the shrug. “I think I’ve been so focused on being there I haven’t really thought that far ahead yet. It’s still kinda new and _very_ different.”

“What made you want to move? When you first told me you’re still kind of new here, I wanted to ask you how long it took you to make that decision.”

Becky is taken off guard by her own laugh. “Would you believe me if I told you I just woke up one day and decided to do it?” when she receives nothing but silence in response, she turns to find Sasha staring back at her like she’s grown three heads. She barks out a laugh at the reaction. “I take it you wouldn’t.”

Sasha blinks owlishly for a few seconds before she closes her mouth from where it had promptly fallen open. “You can’t have…you seriously just did it? Just like that?”

“Just like that. I, ah….things just weren’t going for me at back home. I got into a little bit of trouble growing up and from there things just…I dunno. I felt like I was just kinda going through the motions. I didn’t know what I wanted to do or what I wanted to be, just that I wanted something different, you know? I didn’t have a plan, I just knew I wanted to get out of there. So…I sold all stuff and got as much as I could for it and here I am. Still trying to make something happen, I guess.”

“Wow that’s…pretty amazing actually.”

Becky huffs quietly through her nose before shaking her head. “You don’t have to put some sort of shining light on it. Most would think it’s a pretty dumb decision. I know the people back home sure do.”

Sasha’s eyebrows furrow together as this has probably been the first time she’s heard Becky mention anything closely related to her home life. “I…I don’t think it’s a dumb decision. Risky as all hell sure, but definitely not dumb. You wanted to make a change and you’re doing it and…I think that’s pretty amazing.”

“Well….we’ll see…”

They lapse into a silence that’s comfortable. Occasionally, Sasha will sneak over at Becky, admiring the way she can somewhat read the different emotions as they play out over her face. The subtle tensing in her jaw. The way her lashes flutter as her eyes occasionally narrow. The occasional movement of her tongue pressing against her cheek. In a world full of people who hide behind a manufactured front, it’s rare that she finds herself able to read someone. The natural genuine nature is something almost strange to Sasha.

As their third date, Becky had spent a lot of time in front of the drawing board. She was desperate to come up with something that was within reasonable reach to pull off, but at the same time, she didn’t want to come off as being boring and cliché. It had taken her a bit longer than she would have liked to come up with something. So much so, that when she called, she was fully expecting Sasha to tell her to take a hike.

“Becky, what’s this place?”

“It’s ah, it’s a drive in,” Becky awkwardly rubs at the back of her neck as she navigates into the line of cars waiting for admission. “It’s…one of the first things I kinda got into when I first moved here. I know it’s kinda far out, so if you’re really not into it we can head back into the city and hit up a restaurant or something.”

Never in her life had Sasha even much considered something like a drive in. She actually didn’t even know such things still existed. Her eyes glisten with excitement as she gazes outside of her window. A sea of cars is sectioned off and bunched in front of several. There’s a small line leading from what looks to be a concession stands. Off to the side, there’s a small playground, housing the excited screams of children as they tire themselves out. For a moment, Sasha wonders if she’s been placed in a time machine and transported back to where life would have been much simpler.

“I wanna stay…”

Sasha’s whispered words are enough to force Becky’s shoulders to relax. The nerves seem to wash away from her face and she lets out a quiet breath as she nods. That’s going to be the second time she’s been proven wrong, and she can’t exactly say she’s complaining about it.

The evening progresses rather slow and the sun has only just now completely disappeared beneath the horizon. The soft sounds of ‘Singin’ in the Rain’ is just barely audible through the radio system, as the two sit rather closely in Sasha’s backseat. Sasha has long since moved closer into Becky’s side. She’s looped her arm around Becky’s and has been casually playing with her fingers while the two of them share the snacks Becky had brought along at the start of the evening. 

Becky on the other hand has pretty much forgotten about the snacks a while ago. The moment Sasha had moved into her side and rested her head on her shoulder, her brain nearly short-circuited right then and there. She hasn’t been able to focus on the movie for the most part and as Sasha continues to play with her hand, she feels her face continue to warm considerably.

“I didn’t know you were into the oldies like this,” Sasha murmurs quietly.

“I…yeah. This place plays all the old stuff. I guess that’s kinda what drew me in so much.”

“Is that all it takes?” Sasha hums while shifting upwards enough to where she’s looking at Becky directly. “To draw you in?”

“I…” Becky’s words get lost on her as she realizes just how close Sasha really is. “I…heh…”

Sasha’s right slowly comes up and her fingers tremble slightly as she traces the sharp crease of Becky’s jawline. Her eyes had been flitting back and forth for a while, and as she locks eyes with Becky for that last time, a small smile momentarily flits across her lips. She inhales quietly as she angles her head up just enough, making sure to keep her movements slow to allow the both of them to commit.

They had kissed the last time they went out. It was a moment where Becky hadn’t been sure if the timing was right. She had been dropping Sasha off back at her apartment and she had insisted that she walk Sasha to her door. They’d had a quiet evening that stretched into a late night of just chatting and even though the vibe felt right, Becky wasn’t sure at the time if she should go for it. It wasn’t until the decision had been made for her when Sasha leaned in and gently captured her lips, that she realized the timing couldn’t have been more perfect.

Now? That doesn’t even hold a candle to that night. The snacks have been long since forgotten as Becky’s hands move to rest on Sasha’s sides. The slight tugging on her hair leads her to take charge as she shifts back into the seat just enough for Sasha to maneuver into her lap. She soon breaks the kiss in small favor of air.

“I…shit, “she huffs quietly, having been momentarily taken off guard by the deepness of the kiss. “Is this…is this okay?”

With her own chest heaving, Sasha can only shake her head as she tries to find words. “It’s fine.”

“’Cause I don’t want it to be too soon or—”

“Becky,” Sasha quickly cuts her off. She grins lazily and leans down to press their foreheads together. Following another brief chaste kiss, Sasha’s grin only widens as they share several breaths for several moments. “It’s fine.”

The next time their lips find one another, Becky finds herself relaxing into the intimacy as Sasha seems to settle in comfortably against her. With Sasha still straddling her, she shifts just enough to lay Sasha across the length of the backseat, never once breaking their kiss. She’s pretty sure they’ve done a decent job on fogging up the windows, and as hands come up to tangle tightly in her hair, she’s suddenly thankful she didn’t miss out on a third date.

******

* * *

“You looking for something?”

Sasha blinks and she hadn’t even realized she had completely spaced out. When she comes to, she finds that she had been spaced out in Becky’s general direction as the other woman works at the counter on the other side of the kitchen. She shakes her head and shrugs nonchalantly.

“I wanted to make sure you don’t take a finger off over there. That knife’s kinda big for you.”

Becky’s mouth falls open and she looks up to find Sasha having turned her attention back to laying out pasta in a pan. Upon further inspection, she swears she can see Sasha trying to hide a smirk. “Wow! Okay, I’m a big girl. I think I know how to handle cutting up a little lettuce.”

Sasha hums quietly. “Hm, you sure about that? I seem to remember a time where I thought we were going to have to go to the ER because _someone_ was trying to grate cheese.”

Becky blushes as she recalls the memory perfectly. “Okay, to be completely fair, the damn thing wasn’t working right anyway. Why the hell were the slots so big anyway!? That’s just like asking for anyone to lop off a limb much less a finger!”

“I think you just don’t know how to do it,” Sasha laughs openly as she moves back to her lasagna. She sneaks a glance at Becky and laughs to herself when she finds the other woman blushing and mumbling to herself as she continues to chop lettuce.

It hadn’t even been five minutes that Sasha was in the kitchen getting dinner started before Becky a little hesitantly meandered her way in. At the time, she claims to having just gotten up to get some water, but she had opted to linger a bit. Sasha had quickly shaken her head and tried to shoo her out of the kitchen when she insisted on helping, but after a while, she became too tired to argue. She had sighed loudly and looked around the kitchen for a moment before giving Becky the task of prepping the salad.

“I could’ve done it, you know. You don’t have to—”

“Sasha,” Becky’s voice is somewhat firm as she cuts in. “Stop telling me all the stuff I ‘don’t have to do’. You’re letting me stay here and you know _you_ don’t have to do that, but you are. I’m not just gonna sit around like some pampered princess while you do all the work. I wanna help.”

Sasha sighs again and shakes her head. “You’ve always been ridiculously stubborn.”

Becky snorts quietly. “And you haven’t?” she lifts an eyebrow as she smirks. “If they were handing out championships for it, I’m pretty sure you’d win one,” she laughs quietly while she continues to chop. Her laugh eventually dies down and as she speaks again, her voice has gone quiet. “That’s not necessarily a bad thing though. I think…you’re stubborn ‘cause you care so much. That’s kinda how it’s always been. I guess at the time, I just really didn’t see that.”

Sasha’s next breath is slightly shaky, and she does her best to keep a soft face of neutrality. “I’m not so sure I would call it a ‘good’ thing. It…could be argued that maybe I pushed a bit too hard.”

Before Sasha could even finish her sentence, Becky had been shaking her head. “No…you didn’t. Because you shouldn’t have even had to push at all. I shouldn’t have…” she trails off before taking a much needed deep breath to find the courage that has managed to elude her for the past couple of years. “I don’t think I ever apologized for it.”

“Becky—”

“No please. Let me…I never apologized for it. I guess a part of that is because I just hadn’t accepted it? Every day I would wake up was just one bad dream after another and…I have just never really felt more alone. For so long I would try to blame everything and everyone else. I tried to blame _you_ and then I just…it was me. It’s been me the whole time and I’m sorry. I made a promise to you and Skye and I just…I broke that promise. I went back on my word and I shouldn’t have put the both of you through that. Even with things being where they are now and what they’ll never be again, I just really need you to know, if I would go back and do it all again so I could fix it, I would give up everything in this world to do that.”

Sasha’s movements have since ceased the moment Becky had started talking. Her throat has tightened to a point that’s difficult for her to swallow and it’s nearly painful. Her eyes sting and almost burn as she does everything she can to keep from blinking because she knows if she does, there’s nothing she’ll be able to do to combat the tears that will spill out over her cheeks.

“I…” her voice sounds foreign on her own hears as her words crack as if they’re being dragged away.

She takes a shuddering breath as she finally regards Becky on the other side of the kitchen. The way her eyes are wide and red around the edges. There’s an innocence surrounding Becky’s gaze and for a split second, Sasha feels like they’re young and dumb again. They’re taking middle of the night drives across two in search of the best milkshake. They’re throwing flour in her kitchen. They’re watching movies in the living room with the movie having faded to nothing but background noise as they’re so focused on each other. They’re back to where they were.

“Sash…”

Looking up, Sasha is a bit surprised to find Becky is now considerably closer than she was. There’s still a respectable distance between the two of them, but she’s close enough to where Sasha knows she won’t have any success in hiding the emotions she knows are playing out over her face. As she takes another shuddering breath, she blinks and just as she thought, a pair of tears slip past her barrier and slowly slide down her cheeks.

“Thank you…”

Becky looks as if she releases the bated breath that she had been holding the entire time. She opens her mouth, but her words don’t come so she’s settling on nodding. Her nod is accompanied by a tiny smile. If before was the most cordial they have been with one another, this is by far the most relaxed and for Becky, that’s one of the few things she could ever ask for.

“Mama! Guess what!”

Their attention is snapped in the direction of the kitchen entry way. Skye streaks through the kitchen at lighting speed and runs directly into Becky’s legs where she wraps her arms around them tightly. Becky grimaces at the effect of the impact on her still sore body, but she quickly and subtly shakes her head when she sees that Sasha has a reprimand at the ready. She smiles widely just in time as Skye looks up at her.

“Hm…lemme guess. You weren’t actually taking a nap like your mother told you to?”

“No! I napped…sort of,” Skye rolls her eyes and pouts. “I was gonna say I got a new Lego set for us to try, but if you’re gonna be mean about it…”

Becky raises an eyebrow and laughs when Sasha simply rolls her eyes and goes back to prepping dinner. “Now I _definitely_ know you didn’t take a nap. You’re only grumpy like that when you’re tired.”

Skye scoffs. “I am _not_ grumpy! I don’t get grumpy.”

“Oh, you absolutely get grumpy. Only person grumpier than you is your mom.”

“Hey!” Sasha’s mouth falls open with her exclamation.

Becky and Skye share a look before simultaneously bursting into a fit of laughs. Sasha rolls her eyes again before she’s pointing her spatula at the two. “I’m not gonna stand for this abuse in my own kitchen. Go play with your Legos so I can finish up in peace.”

“Yes!” Skye does a small fist pump before she’s sprinting out of the kitchen.

Becky watches after her fondly before she turns back to Sasha with a much more serious expression. “Are you sure?”

Sasha waves her off. “I’ll finish up everything here. Go be with her. She’s…been really over the moon to have you here.”

She watches as Becky nods and heads out of the kitchen. Once she’s alone, she sighs quietly and braces her hands against the counter. She ducks her head for a moment before shaking it as she recalls their exchange from not even five minutes ago. She thinks back to that exact moment they had shared and the exact moment where she lapsed and almost uttered something else entirely.

_‘I forgive you.’_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh my god. Once upon a time I had planned to just make this a quick thing and do it in 3 chapters...now here we are 20 chapters later haha. Story of my life. Thanks for reading guys! 
> 
> If you've stuck around this long then I definitely thank you for indulging my heartache. If you're interested, head on over and check out my newest work. If you love a little bit of pain and a little bit of tension, then I think you're really gonna enjoy that one. 
> 
> Until next chapter friends!


	21. Chapter 21

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning:.......oops....

******

Sasha’s nerves are on full display as she continuously taps her fingernails against the side of her wineglass. The repeated action creates a small _clinking_ noise that only ceases on the short occasions she brings the glass up to her lips. She’s been nursing the same glass for probably the past hour or so. Given the level of her nerves right now, it’s quite literally taken everything within her not to jump to the opposite end of the spectrum and down the whole thing in its entirety. Given the nature of tonight’s even, chugging an expensive glass of merlot would look anything but sophisticated. It doesn’t take a genius to know she would probably stick out for that.

Letting out a quiet sigh, she opts to take yet another small sip from her glass, only to find that only a droplet finds her lips. She frowns and lifts the glass just a fraction, eyeing it carefully as if it were the one at fault for its own emptiness. The vacancy in the glass itself cues her in to just how long it’s been. This glass was one of the first things she had grabbed the moment she had first arrived, and she knows that was well over an hour ago.

This particular party is much like many of the ones she’s attended before. Ever since she got into law school, she found that the get togethers were all vastly different from what she had known in her undergrad years. Perhaps, that has to do with the demographic being just a bit different. Sasha had always considered herself to be pretty well off. Her family weren’t among the ‘elite’ as some would so pompously claim, but they were pretty well off for her to live a comfortable life.

Her academics had carried her well enough to where she needed to be, graduating undergrad within the top three percent and honors from her class. She was no stranger to full ride opportunities which left her only having to pay for any extra necessities she thought fit enough to carry her through her post-grad career. Comfortability had been something she’s known her entire life and she hadn’t quite realized the difference between ‘comfortable’ and ‘lavish’ until law school.

‘Pretentious’ is perhaps the word that is more fitting of this new life she’s been acclimated to. Gone are the raging kickbacks that consist of rambunctious young adults who live in the moment and thrive on the unknown, only to be replaced by ambitious individuals who have a step by step plan for the foreseeable future. She’s surrounded by people who have _goals_. Goals that are well thought out and attainable. Goals that align similarly with her own by the sheer nature of them being well thought out and carefully planned down to the most minute of details.

She hadn’t expected to fit in as well as she has, and she doesn’t find herself complaining in the slightest. If anyone were to ask her, she would say that she’s well past that age of feeling the anxieties of wanting to ‘fit in’. This truly was going to be an all or nothing thing for her. At the end of the day, she knows she’s here to do a job, and whether she makes connections along the way or not, she had been content to leave that up to chance. Fate had presumably saw something in her, and she found herself assimilating with ease. Almost like she had belonged in such a place the entire time and she hadn’t even much realized it.

She checks her watch and sighs quietly.

Lately though, things had been a little different. While she had been more than content with how she was living her life, fate seemed to have other things in mind. Other things that were incredibly new for Sasha and in a flash, she had found herself stepping out onto the unknown ledges that reminded her of her inaugural year in college.

“What’re you doing?”

Jumping, Sasha is slightly startled by the presence that appears at her side. “Christ…I thought you left,” she murmurs quietly, placing her hand to her chest in an effort to calm her rapidly beating heart.

Charlotte raises an eyebrow and suspiciously eyes her best friend up and down for a moment. “No. I’ve been bouncing around looking for you for the past fifteen minutes and here I find you hiding out be the drink table,” her look of suspicion slowly morphs into a grin. “Still stuck in your old college days, Sash?”

Sasha rolls her eyes and turns her attention to her phone screen. “Shut up, it’s not even like that and you know it,” she sighs quietly and though she checked her screen only a few moments ago, she finds herself thumbing through her phone rather quickly only to sigh moments later when she sees nothing’s changed.

It’s something Charlotte picks up on immediately. “There something you’re expecting? Think that’s about the four time you’ve checked your phone since I got over here. What’s going on?”

“Nothing.” Sasha knows her response was far too quick as soon as it leaves her mouth.

“Yeah okay, cool. So what’s going on with ‘nothing’?”

“Charlotte I’m serious it’s not—”

“Ooo! Is this about the mystery date you’ve been seeing? Did you invite her?” Charlotte interrupts herself and makes a face. “Or him. I know that it could go either way.”

Sasha rolls her eyes again. “I did and _she_ is just a little late that’s all,” she sighs again when for the nth time she checks the time. “Maybe a just a little over ‘a little’. She could’ve just decided this wasn’t for her, I guess?”

Charlotte’s eyebrows shoot up. “I can’t imagine this not being for anybody. Most people can’t get into a place like this unless they know somebody. So, to come in where there’s free food and alcohol? Anyone would be a damn fool to miss out,” almost to prove her point, she snags a glass of champagne. She takes a healthy sip from it, before regarding Sasha with a signature smugness. “So…you wanna tell me more about this mystery woman?”

“There’s not much to tell,” Sasha shakes her head. She knew the initial moment she let it slip that she was possibly seeing someone, Charlotte was going to be all over it. As much as she would like the leave it at that, the way she’s pretty much being pinned to the floor by her best friend’s intense stare is enough to nudge her into continuing.

“I’m serious! There really isn’t that much to tell. We’ve only been actually _out_ out once before, so this would count as the second, I guess? We’ve hung out a few times in between. We’ll meet up and get coffee or whatever.”

Charlotte’s eyes go wide and her grin is blinding. “This is good then! This is really good! I mean, it’s been a while, right? Okay, so tell me about her. What’s she like? What does she do? Does she go here?”

Sasha nervously bites down on her bottom lip before she’s laughing nervously. “Oh, ah…no she doesn’t go here. You know that place we went to? McLaren’s?”

“The one where that drunk guy tried to hit on anything that moved before he threw up all over the bar?”

“Yeah, ah…that’s the one. She’s, um…she’s a bartender there.”

Charlotte’s wide and expectant look immediately falls, and her eyebrows dip considerably. “A…bartender?” she repeats as if this is her first time every testing the word. She seems to mull it over in her mind, her eyes shifting as she trains in vain to recall anything significant that would serve as a memory trigger. Coming up empty, she shakes her head quickly. “Wait, wait…you’re dating a bartender? Who cleaned up vomit on one of the most boring nights we’ve had since we started grad? Sasha, seriously?”

Sasha sighs heavily. “When you put it like that…” she mumbles. “Look, it was…okay listen, remember how I sent him to get us drinks while we were at the bar? Well, I was the whole reason he was over there in the first place! I felt bad she had to do that. I…later I went back to apologize and I don’t know…we started talking. I know it’s weird! I _know_ it is, but she’s really sweet Char. I think you’d like her.”

“Well she’s definitely not winning any points so far for standing you up,” Charlotte grumbles into her glass before taking a sip.

Sasha’s shoulders fall. “She’s…” she trails off, doing a quick once over before her eyebrows slowly raise up. “She’s here.”

“Huh?”

“Hold on a sec.”

Without saying anything further, Sasha moves through the party, maneuvering around groups of students and alumni alike speckled about in expensive cliques of high-end entitlement. Her curious frown slowly morphs into a relieved smile as she approaches the confused looking redhead glancing every which way in an attempt to see over the crowd. She takes a moment to admire the other woman in her fitted suit. The top two buttons near the collar have been left undone, and Sasha finds herself biting her lip as she has never seen someone who can pull of handsome and beautiful at the same time.

“Hey,” she greets, having to snap herself out of her own premature stupor.

Becky’s eyes land on the woman directly in front of her and face immediately softens. “Hey!” she exclaims, perhaps a bit too loud before she nervously chuckles and rubs at the back of her neck. “Hey…I, Christ. Sorry. I’m late, aren’t I? Like…super fucking late. What time is it?”

“It’s…” Sasha shares her nervous laugh and shakes her head. “It doesn’t matter what time it is.”

“No, it does matter. Shit I…I was working a double today and I only just got off work an hour ago and I had to go home and shower and change and oh my god I should’ve called! I would have! I hadn’t realized my phone had died until I was on my way here and—”

“Becky…” Sasha cuts off the rambling but placing a pair of fingers against Becky’s lips. “It’s okay. Really. You’re here now, right?”

Becky’s thankful that the lights are a bit dim, but she’s unsure with how close Sasha is standing if her blush can be noticed or not. Laughing again, she takes a small deep breath and her shoulders momentarily relax. “Sorry,” she mumbles despite having already apologized profusely.

Sasha giggles despite herself and takes a small half-step back. “You look good, by the way. I love the suit.”

Becky blinks owlishly before quickly glancing down at herself. “Oh! Yeah, I, heh, just bought this actually. I had it fixed or whatever. I know you said it was kinda formal but ah…I was kinda having trouble with the tie, so I hope this is fine.”

“No, it’s perfect. I…I like it a lot.”

There’s a silence that falls between the two of them where they’re both left shifting, wondering where to go neck. For Sasha, she wonders if this is what the proverbial ‘butterflies’ feel like. The giddiness all swirling around with the anxious excitement of the unknown. She finds herself wondering if Becky is feeling the same.

“Here um…my friends are here? I’ve talked about you a bit and…they’d like to meet you, if that’s okay.”

Becky almost looks shocked at the fact that anyone from this world would actively want to meet here. She finds herself suddenly swallowing the thick lump of nerves that appeared in her throat, before she’s nodding slowly.

“Yeah, I—yeah. Yeah, that’s cool.”

* * *

It had only been an hour of bouncing from group to group before the couple had found themselves tucked away into a table in the corner chatting between themselves. Sasha found herself laughing nonstop at Becky’s matter of fact of speaking and the game she had invented of dubbing over other people’s conversations. She hadn’t laughed like that and she doesn’t know how long, and she was totally surprised at herself asking Becky if she wanted to ditch the whole thing all together.

Instead of being crowded in a stuffy and pompous party, the two are walking the sidewalk as the moon as just risen into the very center of the sky. There’s a visible glow cast on everything around them and the streets are surprisingly quiet and still for it being a Friday night. Sasha has both of her arms clutched tightly as Becky’s suit jacket is draped over her shoulders.

“Your friends are…nice,” Becky eventually says, breaking their comfortable silence.

Sasha laughs and shakes her head. “You think they’re all a bunch of stuck up assholes.”

“Well, yes, but they still seemed nice,” Becky grins before tilting her head. “Except…Charlotte, was it? I can tell she really didn’t like me that much.”

Sasha winces to herself as she had immediately seen the way Charlotte had closed off the moment she had introduced Becky. “She’s…Charlotte is my closest friend. We’ve been friends for I don’t know how long and she’s…kinda protective, but don’t worry about it! She’ll come around. She’s just gotta get used to the idea of me dating again.”

Becky lifts her eyebrows. “You don’t date very much?”

“It’s been a while. Getting towards the end of college, beginning of grad, stuff just got kinda intense. I was studying a lot for my LSAT and I took so many practice tests, I was sure I’d have the whole thing memorized by the time I got to the real thing. I guess I just kinda forgot about all the other stuff, you know?”

“I totally get it. When you get busy like that, it’s easy to kinda forget about the stuff that makes you a person,” Becky looks away and shrugs almost bashfully. “Well, for what it’s worth. I’m glad you we got to go out. I hope I don’t scare you off by saying this, but…you’re a really nice girl. I wouldn’t mind if we were able to do this again, sometime?”

This time, it’s Sasha who finds herself blushing. She reaches up and pulls Becky’s jacket tighter around herself before she offers the other woman a shy smile. “I’d really like that. It’s been a while since I’ve done this, but…I want to.”

The two continue to meander aimlessly, swapping stories, laughs and ideas until they come upon Sasha’s apartment. Sasha suddenly feels a small sinking feeling and she realizes it’s because she’s disappointed the night’s probably coming to an end. Things had been so relaxed and easy. Becky had been incredibly patient, listening as she ramble on about herself and offering her backstory when the time came. It was just so _nice_ , Sasha hadn’t wanted it to end.

“This is me…” Sasha says, but she makes no move to go into her building.

“It is…” Becky echoes, her own shoulders dropping from disappointment. “Is it okay if I walk you up?” when she sees Sasha’s eyes widen, she immediately back tracks. “Not like that! I-I, oh god no…no, I’m not expecting anything! Not that I wouldn’t want to because you’re…oh my god…” a sigh interrupts her rambling and she shakes her head at her own stupidity. “I didn’t mean it like that…”

Sasha is unable to hold back her laughter despite the hand she placed over her mouth. “No! No! It’s—” she interrupts herself with her own giggles. “No, it’s okay! I was gonna say it’s pretty late and I don’t know how far your place is if you plan on walking back. I can drive you.”

Becky quickly shakes her head. “No, it’s fine. I actually like to take walks at this time anyway. It’s quiet and you don’t gotta worry about people getting in the way,” she playfully puffs her chest. “Besides, I’m pretty tough. I can handle myself.”

“Yeah, the tough girl who admitted to me tonight she gets soft over cats.”

“…they’re cute okay! They purr when they love you and I dunno…it’s pretty awesome.”

They share a laugh together and their gazes linger before Becky ducks her head. “I really would like to walk you up though, if that’s alright? I know nothing’s gonna happen, but still…it’ll ive me some peace of mind I guess.”

Sasha eventually agrees and she wishes that the elevator ride up to her apartment was a lot longer than it actually ways. Each step closer to her door, the inexperienced part of her wants to ask Becky if she wants to come inside for a glass of wine. Her rational remainder reminds her that this was only their second date.

“Thank you, for this,” she says, hesitating as she slides Becky’s jacket from around her shoulders. Even once she’s handed it over, there’s a tingling in her toes as she’s still left behind with the icy evergreen scent of cologne. “You would think I would be smart enough to check the weather before picking an outfit.”

“Ah, don’t worry about it. Besides, it’s a really nice dress and…” Becky shrugs. “I’m sure you’ll get it right next time…”

“Next time.” Sasha repeats quietly.

The silence that had been following them for the duration of the night returns and Sasha is at an internal war with herself regarding her next move. She glances from Becky to her keys in her hand to her front door before she mentally says ‘fuck it’.

She steps forward into Becky’s space and angles her head up just enough to hesitantly press her lips against Becky’s. She can tell she caught Becky by surprise with the way she suddenly jerks, but it only takes a brief second for her to relax. She brings a hand up and gently cups Sasha’s face as she responds to the kiss more confidently.

It’s brief and chaste and over way too soon, and Sasha finds herself immediately missing the feeling of Becky’s lips against her own. They’re much softer than she imagined they would be, and though it was chaste and brief, there was a small hint of cinnamon left behind.

“I…heh, wow…” Becky huffs out quietly.

Sasha grins at the somewhat speechless response. “Goodnight Becky,” she whispers as she gives Becky’s arms a squeeze and steps towards her door. “Text me so I know you made it home?”

Becky nods before her brain mentally kicks itself to respond verbally. “Definitely! I…thanks for inviting me tonight. I hope you have a goodnight. I’ll see you?”

“See you…” Sasha grins. She watches as Becky walks backwards a few steps down the hall before offering a small wave.

Once she’s finally alone in her apartment, Sasha closes the door behind her and leans against it. She lets her head thump back against the door and she’s biting down on her bottom lip to contain the grin threatening to break. Not able to contain it any longer, she’s left giggling to herself. If she weren’t alone, she’s sure she would sound like a lovestruck schoolgirl, but she can’t exactly say she’s complaining.

******

* * *

Sasha sighs tiredly as she finally steps through the front door. She all but dumps her purse on the couch before she unceremoniously plops down next to it. She kicks off her heels and lets her head rest back against the sofa as her body relaxes into the softness of the cushions. For a moment, she allows her eyes to slip closed, but she knows she can’t stay that way for long, lest she end up falling asleep.

She wasn’t even supposed to be gone that long. She wasn’t even supposed to be gone at all considering she had gotten her leave approved by her boss a while ago. Yet somehow several phone calls and three incompetent junior attorneys later, Sasha found herself stuck in her office for an unforeseeable amount of time against her wishes. She’s been at home and gotten so comfortable with it, she had honestly forgotten what it was like to be this tired and she can’t exactly say she misses it.

Sighing again, she rubs at her closed eyes while trying to stave off the premature onslaught of a headache. Following a deep breath, her stomach rumbles aggressively, reminded her of the fact that in her midday frenzy, she had completely skipped lunch. Another deep breath, and she’s left frowning as the smell of food wafts across her food. Once again, her stomach rumbles.

Curious, she rises from the couch and heads into the kitchen. The kitchen is empty, but she immediately notices the pots on the stove and the light on in the oven. Being in the mere presence of food has her mouth near watering.

Her curiosity peaks as she exits the kitchen and heads off down the hall. It’s quiet, which as someone who lives with a hyper expressive seven year old, is something she’s not at all used to. Without much hesitation, she grasps pushes open the door of the guest room.

“Hey, did you—”

Sasha’s eyes widen and her words immediately die out. For a moment, her mouth is left slightly ajar and her gaze unmoving.

“Um…”

Across the room, Becky raises an eyebrow. Her t-shirt is in her hands as she’s left in her sports bra and pajama bottoms. She tilts her head slightly to the side as she regards the woman standing in the doorway.

“Hey. I didn’t hear you come in. Did you just get back?”

“I…yeah, yeah I just got in…” Sasha swallows as her eyes wander against her will. Her face immediately warms as she takes in the other woman’s physique. Yes, it’s been a while and yes, she knows she has to keep in shape for the job., and _yes_ , seen it before, but she doesn’t remember there being _that much_ definition before. Definitely _not_ like this.

Snapping herself out of her trance, Sasha feels like her whole face is on fire. “I just got in and I smelled food and I was wondering…”

Becky’s eyebrows raise and she nods, reacting as if it’s the most normal thing in the world to converse with someone while shirtless. “Oh! Yeah. You said you were only gonna be gone an hour and an hour turned into five and I got kinda bored so I thought I’d put some food on. I was just about to jump in the shower, but it should be ready soon.”

“Me too!” Sasha doesn’t understand why she’s gotten so jumpy. “I mean the shower. I’ll…I’m gonna head up and do that. Sorry to bother you.”

“It’s…fine?” Becky asks the question to no one in particular as Sasha practically bolts from the door before she could finish. She shakes her head again before grabbing the rest of her stuff and heading off to shower.

* * *

Two generous helpings of lemon pepper chicken later, Sasha finds herself curled up into the corner of the sofa with a glass of wine. She clicks her tongue and shakes her head as Becky reenters the living room. “You cooked. I would’ve done all the dishes and cleaning.”

“Again with that? Come on…you’re letting me stay here, Sasha. Let me at least do _something_ so it’s not like I’m mooching,” seeing Sasha’s unconvinced look, she rolls her eyes. “Fine. If it makes you feel better, then I’ll say I cooked for myself. I had to eat too, you know. I just happened to make enough that would be plenty for more than one person.”

Sasha echoes the eye roll before taking a sip from her glass. “Well…thank you,” her gaze drops as she absently taps her fingers on her knee. “Everything was delicious. It’s been a while since I’ve had that.”

Becky frowns slightly. “It’s Skye’s favorite. You don’t make it often?”

Sasha laughs openly. “Only because she won’t eat it when I make it. Guess it must be that secret touch you add to it.”

“Must be. She asks for it nonstop on the weekends,” Becky’s grin is somewhat wide as she takes in the easiness of Sasha’s open laugh.

As Sasha reaches for her wine glass, her phone buzzes on the coffee table. She brings it closer and thumbs through it for a moment before she’s chuckling lightly. “Gosh…” she chuckles again. “Skye caught a fish.”

Becky perks up immediately. “Can I see?”

Sasha holds her phone out between the two of them as Becky scoots a bit closer to peer at the screen. “It looks like she caught two, actually,” she rolls her eyes while scrolling through the pictures that had been sent to her phone. “She’s always trying to be the best at something. ‘I’m gonna catch more fish than you Mommy’, that’s what she said to me after my last trip.”

“Yeah, that competitive niche…she definitely got that from you.”

“Excuse you! Like you aren’t the least bit competitive?”

“I’m not saying I’m not, but…not as much as you,” Becky chuckles before turning back to the photo montage as Sasha continues to scroll through her phone. Her smile doesn’t fade, but the corners of her lips do tug downward just a fraction. “She looks like she’s having a great time.”

Sasha presses her tongue against the inside of her cheek as she sets her phone back on the coffee table. “Yeah. They called when I was on my way home and…she really seems like she’s having fun. I can only pray for Ronda when it’s her bedtime.”

Becky tilts her head back and laughs. “God knows that kid doesn’t go to bed when you tell her to. I hope you sent the Benadryl.”

“I packed it in Skye’s things, but…I kinda want Ronnie to figure it out on her own. It’s a little more fun that way.”

“You’re an evil woman, and you know it. Hope you’re ready for that 2 AM phone call.”

“Hah, I think I will be.”

Despite the light banter, Sasha had certainly noticed the way Becky’s body language had changed when she pulled her phone over. She had gone from being seemingly relaxed to almost sagging in the span of a few moments. Sasha is left to mentally fumble over her own words as she tries to figure out what to say. Eventually, she just settles with a sigh.

“Skye loves you, you know.” On the surface it may seem as if the statement came out of nowhere, but the way Becky’s breath hitches quietly lets Sasha know that they’re somehow on the same page. “The day you were supposed to get out of the hospital, she talked nonstop that morning and she kept trying to convince me to let her skip school so she could be here when you got here. I kept telling her you’re here because you need your rest. Listen, I know how this…how it might look, but Skye isn’t going to replace you; you know that.”

Becky hadn’t much realized how tight her jaw had pulled until she moves to speak. She lets out a huff of air and shakes her head while dragging a hand through her hair. “Ah, I mean…I know that. Well, most of me knows that. It just…it’s kinda hard, you know? When she’s like getting so big and doing all this stuff and I can’t help but think that I should’ve been doing that. Taking her camping and going to her practices and watching her grow up.”

Sasha bites down hard on her lower lip as she’s suddenly overridden with overwhelming guilt. Guilt for how cold she’s been and the decisions she’s made where at the time, she only had Skye’s best interests in mind. Now that she’s had the time to look back, perhaps she finds that she had acted spitefully.

“I’m sorry…” Sasha’s voice is a raspy whisper that pierces the silence.

Becky frowns immediately and snaps her head in the other woman’s direction. “What? You didn’t do anything.”

“I did. I took her from you,” Sasha heaves a shaky breath. “I had convinced myself I hated you. I was so _angry_ and I had convinced myself that I needed to take her to protect her and I…I wanted my attorney to push for sole custody, but he wouldn’t do it. He talked me out of it and for so long I had questioned myself if I had just gone along with it would she be better off, and the truth is…she wouldn’t have. She loves you so much and I think I…I think I only made it worse.”

Becky swallows thickly before she’s quickly shaking her head and she shifts on the couch to face Sasha full on. “Hey…you had to make those decisions because of the decisions that _I_ made. You weren’t only trying to protect Skye, because I didn’t just hurt Skye. I hurt you. I hurt you so badly, Sasha and I’m going to spend the rest of my life regretting that. You are the best thing to ever happen to me and knowing that I was the one who broke your heart tears me up every day.”

“Becky—”

“And I know you don’t want me to apologize anymore, but I can’t…it’s not just about Skye, Sash. It’s about you too and I don’t…Christ, I don’t want you to feel like you have to apologize for trying to protect what was left of your heart. I don’t want you to apologize for that.”

Sasha doesn’t realize she’s openly crying until a few of her tears fall into her lap. “You promised me you’d come home…” she whispers, her voice cracking towards the end.

Becky swallows again. “I-I know…”

“You promised me, Rebecca. I asked you and you _promised_. I just wanted you to keep it. I just wanted—”

Sasha finds herself interrupted by a sob she had been working so hard to swallow. Her hands are shaking as she reaches up frantically to try in vain to wipe away her tears. “You promised! You fucking promised!”

Becky’s own eyes are glassy as she scoots across the sofa towards the woman who is near hysterics. She hesitates as she reaches out and gently takes Sasha’s wrist in an attempt to sooth her. “Sash…” she whispers quietly as she’s met with no resistance while guiding the sobbing woman into her arms. “I promised and I’m sorry.”

“I hated you! I hated you so much because I didn’t want anything else. I just wanted you to keep your promise. I-I didn’t want to leave. I just wanted you to come home.”

“I should have come home.”

What’s only minutes feels like hours. The right shoulder of Becky’s shirt has been soaked through from Sasha’s tears while the left is rumpled from a grip so tight, it’s a wonder the material hadn’t been ripped clean through. Becky’s own tears have long since fallen as she had been so confused on murmuring words in an attempt to calm the woman in her arms.

All is silent when Sasha finally lifts her head. Her cheeks are wet and her grip is still tight. Her eyes are red and glasses as they flit back and forth over Becky’s face, as if she’s silently searching for something she can’t quite identify.

Becky’s hand is slightly shaking as she reaches up to gently wipe away a few fresh tears with her thumb.

“I’m so sorry…”

The next few seconds happen in both slow and fast motion simultaneously. It can’t be said who moved first or when. It can’t be said who made the decision, if there was even a decision made at all. It’s a sudden meeting of trembling lips as hands tangle tightly into hair, clutching on as if their sole purpose of existing truly depends on it.

For Becky, it’s the feeling of breathing after having been trapped underwater for so long.

For Sasha, it’s the familiar scent of icy evergreen and the faint taste of cinnamon she never let go.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Geez it's about damn time, huh? Sorry for my tardiness on this amongst other things. I've kinda lost myself recently, but I'm defintiely here and I feel like I can get back into things. Thank you guys for sticking around :D


	22. Chapter 22

******

Today is the worst type of headache and Becky fears that it's only going to get worse from here. It's the type of headache that never quite seems to go away no matter how many painkillers and home remedies you resort to. It is quite content with sitting right behind your eyes only to serve as an annoying reminder that you can't do a damn thing to get rid of it.

It's been so bad she's about contemplated smoking a cigarette. It's something she's proud to say she hasn't done since she was eighteen. She had started pretty early on, something only to parade around as a rebellious streak to show off to her parents. Becky's memory is crystal clear about the time her mom had done one of her random routine sweeps of her bedroom and found the pack of cigarettes she had tucked into her desk. She remembers rolling her eyes as her parents had given her decent lashing of the tongue and she chuckles when she feels like that might've been the first time she ever flipped them off. She certainly didn't care then.

Tangent aside, Becky is left contemplating the cigarettes she has tucked into the glove compartment in her car. It would certainly be her last ditch effort to stave off this headache and she has absolutely no idea how she would respond to the nicotine after so long, but _fuck_ it's almost worth the attempt. The very last option is something short of clawing her own eyes out right in the middle of the bad, but she's pretty well sure that nobody wants to see that.

She picks her head up from where she had let it thump against the top of the bar she had just previously cleaned. She squints and does a quick once over of the entire pub. It's still pretty early in the afternoon, so she's not exactly surprised to see it pretty empty for the most part. It's just the usual afternoon crowd, geezers here and there ordering their usual eggs over easy and morning Irish coffee. It's the hours before the bar usually picks up for the night crowd, so Becky truly does what she can to savor the peace and quiet while she has the opportunity to do so.

Her eyes widen momentarily as she spots a familiar face sitting in one of the farthest corners of the bar. If it were a cheesy movie or a corny novel, she's sure the director, narrator, or whomever else is in charge, would put such a high emphasis on the way her heart momentarily skips a beat. Her eyes would probably glaze over to accommodate the goofy grin that threatens to split her features. Thankfully, for Becky at least, this is real life, and the only person around to witness her momentary dazed reverie is herself.

Shaking herself back into reality, she gives another quick wipe to the bar before she disappears into the back towards the kitchen. Thankfully it's not too busy and the cooks in the back don't necessarily bat an eyelash as she rambles out an order instead of submitting an actual ticket. She's only left to linger idle for about ten minutes or so before a plate is being sat in front of her. She nods her thanks and snags the plate before she's heading back out front.

Instead of returning to the bar, she needs over to that far table in the corner where she had previously spotted familiar purple hair. Becky does her best to put in her best smirk as she approaches the table and for a moment she opts to watch as the other girl is buried far too deep into the books scattered across the table to notice her.

"Y'know, I wouldn't actually think this would be a prime spot for homework."

Becky snorts as the girl squeaks quietly, no doubt having been startled by Becky's sudden appearance. "Ahah, sorry. I didn't mean to scare you."

Sasha grins and shakes her head quickly. "It's fine. I just didn't hear you come over. How long have you been standing there?"

"Ah, not very long," Becky shrugs casually. "I looked up and saw you were here so I figured I'd come over and kinda offer a study break."

"I'm always down for a study break when it smells like that," Sasha laughs while nodding towards the plate Becky has in hand. She shifts her books over enough to make space on the table as Becky takes a seat in the booth across from her. "What's it this time?"

"Buttermilk waffles with a Greek yogurt spread. I remember last time you talked about how hard it is to find a good waffle. I'm not really a breakfast connoisseur or anything like that, but I think I know a pretty good waffle when I have it."

Sasha quirks an eyebrow in playful challenge as she moves the plate closer. "Well, we'll just have to see then, won't we?"

It's something of a shy friendship that's kind of blossomed between the two. Becky had been totally taken off guard the day Sasha had shown up, looking for her specifically. She had just barely fended off the loser in her that threatened to pinch herself at idea that the beautiful girl she had spent way too long gazing at just on that night before had shown up to her job. Sasha had come to apologize about the drunken idiot who left quite the mess for her to clean up, and Becky quickly shook it off, citing that she had dealt with much worse in the past. From there, it became a bit of a routine. Sasha would pop in, usually taking the booth in the farthest corner of the room where she'll spend time working on the week's assignments.

Becky can't exactly say she has very many friends since moving to the States, and she definitely doesn't want to get ahead of herself here, but she has quite quickly taken an interest in enjoying Sasha's company. On occasion, she would think that there's something of an underlying flirty banter to their interactions, but she's pretty sure that's something she's making up in her head. Still though...sometimes she can't help but wonder.

"Oh my god," Sasha mumbles around a mouth full of food. " _That_ , is a damn good waffle."

Becky grins proudly. "I haven't steered you wrong yet, have I?"

"That you haven't," Sasha chuckles before taking another fork full. "So...you've got a break?"

"Ah, not really a break or anything. It's pretty slow for right now, so I figured hey, best time to come and keep you company right? Heh, if you want it that is."

Sasha takes a small moment to study Becky before her face breaks into a genuine albeit shy smile. "It couldn't hurt."

Becky shifts a bit awkwardly, but she finds herself rather thankful her company is welcome. God, she doesn't want to read too much into it, but there's a small surge of _something_ with the way Sasha will occasionally send her glances in between the writings on her notepad.

Clearing her throat, she does her best to try and make conversation. "So...what're you working on?"

"Constitutional law..." Sasha shrugs before making a face at one of her textbooks. "It's...incredibly boring actually, but it's one of my core requirements so I'm stuck with it. I've only got," she pauses as she seems to count into her planner before signing. "Six more weeks."

"Well. It's only six weeks right? That's not too bad. Just think of it as...six more Monday's."

"I know, but god...that's way too many Monday's."

Becky shrugs casually before leaning back into the booth. "Well. You just gotta take it week by week right? You seem like you spend a lot of time working so maybe, I dunno, you could look at doing something fun to help pass the time?"

Sasha's writing stills and she looks up before slightly angling her head to the side. "You sound like you're speaking by from experience."

"Ah. A little bit. I just know what it's like to get caught up and then I'll look up and wonder where the hell time went. Maybe just a bit of a change of pace will kinda help out."

"Mmm...and did you have something in mind?"

Becky swallows nervously before shrugging again. "Ah, well. I might know of a few things. If you're interested."

This time, Sasha puts her own down completely and regards Becky with something of a smirk. "Is this your way of asking me out?"

Becky's eyes go wide and immediately her face flushes a crimson red. "I—I mean...well...if..." she pauses and lets out a puff of air as her shoulders sag. She makes the split second decision to lay everything out on the table. "If you're interested. I know we haven't known each other very long so it could just be, you know...two people hanging out."

Sasha's following silence is nearly enough to have Becky sprinting from the booth. She immediately begins kicking herself for maybe rushing things and making it weird. Just as she's about to apologize and slink away to give Sasha her space, she's surprised by the near blinding grin she's sent from across the table.

"And if I want you to ask me out?" She asks coyly.

Becky has to keep her eyes from bugging as she nearly chokes on her own air. She laughs nervously and rubs at the back of her neck while she does her best to recover. "Aheh, well...I guess I'm asking you out then. If you're interested."

"Well...I guess you could say I'm saying yes then. Since I'm interested."

This time, Becky is sure her eyes widen in surprise, but she still manages to put on her best smile. "Awesome! Great! That's great. Um, I'm pretty tied up here all day, but how about Friday? I'll pick you up at 7?"

Realistically, Sasha doesn't know why she said yes. If anyone had told her a year ago that she would be saying yes to a date with someone she's only known a few short weeks, she would've rolled her eyes at the idiocy of it all. But over the short time they've known each other, Sasha would be lying if she says she's not the least bit drawn in.

"Sounds perfect."

******

* * *

A slight chill in the air has Sasha tightening the sash of her robe as she steps out onto the back patio deck of her house. If the positioning of the sun is any sort of indicator, she knows that it's just past the evening and heading into an early dusk. The breeze is light and the air is calm, making it way too easy for her to spend time in her own head.

Sighing softly through her nose, she braces her hands against the patio railing as the breeze brushes her hair off her shoulders. Her eyes briefly glance across her hands, lingering just idly at the vacancy on her left ring finger. A vacancy she's been forced to be accustomed to for just over two years now, and it hasn't been until recent that she's found herself conflicted and questioning every past, present, and now future decision she's ever confronted.

Behind her eyes play out a series of quick scenes. Hands brushing against her skin. Lips against her neck. Fingers laced with her own. Her back arching into the touch of familiarity. Everything happened so fast and in such rapid succession, she hadn't much had time to allow any thoughts catch up with her.

She's so deep in her whirlpool of thoughts, she doesn't initially hear the patio door sliding open. She only hears it as it closes, but she doesn't make a move to turn away from her staring match the backyard. Her head ducks briefly as she feels a presence join her on the deck.

"Hey..."

"Hey." Sasha's voice is so quite even she nearly misses it as it gets carried away by the breeze.

Next to her, Becky hesitates, biting her bottom lip as her gaze doesn't waver from Sasha's side profile. "You've been out here a while. I wanted to make sure you're alright."

Sasha's smile is tight as she glances at Becky out of the corner of her eye. "I'm fine...." she murmurs softly before turning away once again. There's a short silence between the two of them that she opts to break impulsively. "Skye should be back home sometime tomorrow morning."

Becky nods. "That's good. She have a good time?"

"Yeah. It sounds like she's had fun."

"Oh...well that's good then."

"Yeah..."

Once again, the silence befalls, this time a bit heavier and a bit more tense. Becky continues to worry her bottom lip as she recognizes this as one of the moments where Sasha tries to retreat. She takes a deep breath as she braces a hand against the deck railing and takes a half step closer.

"Sash...can you look at me?" She implores hesitantly. "Please?"

Sasha's jaw ticks slightly before she ducks her head. Becky's eyebrows furrow together and she lets out a sigh of her own. The chuckle that escapes her lacks humor while she shakes her head.

"I...know I don't have the right to ask for anything, but I don't know what to do. I'm not sure if I should be apologizing to you or asking more questions or just...I don't want to be asking too much, but can we at least talk about what happened? Please?"

Sasha swallows thickly before she shakes her head. "I don't know what there is to talk about..." even as she says it, she doesn't sound convincing and she knows it.

Becky's eyebrows lift in disbelief. "I...what? Sash we can't. Okay, if it was nothing then just say it was nothing, but we aren't going to stand here and act like it didn't happen. We can't do that Sasha. We have... _fuck_ , we have to talk about it. If it was a mistake, then say it was a mistake, but...I think you and I both know that's not true."

Sasha's jaw has pulled tighter by the second as she listens to Becky's words. "I didn't want it to be..."

Becky frowns, having missed the quietly spoken words. "What?"

"I didn't want it to be!" Sasha exclaims, finally turning towards Becky for the first time as she reveals the tears in her eyes she has been trying to hide. "It was a mistake, but I-I didn't want it to be and now I'm just..." she laughs bitterly at herself as she shakes her head. "You want to talk about it, but I don't know what to say Becky. I _don't_ because I don't know what any of this means."

“I think you know...” Taking a deep breath, Becky knows she's about to risk pretty much everything she's ever worked for, but she has to try because she's tired. She's tired of sitting at home wondering about the what if's. She's tired of feeling sorry for herself because for whatever reason she had just become content with sitting and watching everything pass her by. She can't let it happen. Not anymore.

"Sasha..." she implores as she reaches out and gently gabs hold of Sasha's hand. She relaxes only a fraction when Sasha doesn't pull away. She gently brushes her thumb across Sasha's knuckles and she gives a small tug, relieved when Sasha'a eyes meet hers for the second time that evening.

"I love you, and I know after this long and after so many times I've fucked up that might sound empty, but I mean that. I'm not...I know I can't take anything away. I can't take back everything I've done, but what I can try to do is fix it, but I can only so that if you're honest with me about where we are. Wherever this goes I just...I just need you to know that I never stopped."

Hearing Becky say those words completely shatter Sasha's resolve. Her bottom lip trembles as she grips the railing tightly to keep from shaking. Her breath is shaky as she inhaled and a few tears finally fall from her eyes as Becky's words fully sink in.

"I tried so hard to move on and convince myself I was happy," she shakes her head sadly. "I didn't want this. All I ever wanted was our family and I...maybe there's a part of me that wants to risk it, but I need to be sure. I need to be sure that this time would be different."

"Sash, I...I can't promise I won't hurt you," Becky speaks honestly as she makes the decision to lay herself bare. "I can't promise that. I can't promise I won't piss you off and I can't promise that I won't make mistakes. But I can promise you is that I won't break your heart. Not like that...not again. I—I need you and I need Skye and I don't want to lose you both. Not a second time."

Sasha's gaze falls momentarily and her eyes flit back and forth as if she's silently at war within herself. Looking up, she steps closer into Becky's space, minimizing the distance between them. Their eyes are locked as she reaches up between the two of them and grasps at the chain that dips beneath Becky's t-shirt. Her fingers trace along the edge of the chain, before bringing the two rings entwined and nestle at the base to rest between her thumb and forefinger.

"Have you had these? This whole time?"

Becky glances down between the two of them before she reaches up and closes her hand around both Sasha's and their rings. "I've never taken them off."

Sasha looks down at their hands and maneuvers her hand to where their fingers are intertwined. She looks at their joined hands for a long moment before looking up to meet Becky's eyes. She worries her bottom lip and hesitates before speaking quietly.

"I've got a few...obvious things I need to work out. And it's...it's going to take time, Becky."

"I know," Becky respond quickly, hopefully not sounding too eager. "I know and you...take as much time as you feel like you need. Just let me know, okay?"

Nodding, Sasha keeps their fingers intertwined. It's hesitant at first, but she takes a few steps forward before she's unlacing hands in favor of wrapping her arms around Becky's torso and resting her head on her shoulder. She immediately feels Becky relax as she brings her arms up to hold Sasha close. The silence that follows this time isn't tense, but a quiet moment that's been at its most relaxed in years.

* * *

Sasha crosses and uncrosses her legs for what's probably the hundredth time since she sat down. In front of her, her drink has pretty much condensed down to water as she hasn't much touched it since it's been dropped off in front of her. She's been wringing her hands nervously in between the times she's been repeatedly checking her phone.

A soft sigh escapes her as she sits her phone down for the nth time before resorting to stirring the contents her her iced tea that sits atop the table. Over the past day and a half, she's found herself more on edge than normal. Her anxiety only serves to spike a bit more as she sees the woman lightly jogging in the distance. As she nears closer, Sasha does what she can to pull her lips into a smile.

"Hey! Sorry! I hope you weren't waiting too long."

"It's fine," Sasha smiles softly, angling her head to the side just enough so the kiss aimed at her lips connects with her cheek.

If she notices the slightly off notion, Ronda doesn't say anything as she takes a seat across the table. "Sorry, I forgot to grab this on my way out," she lifts what looks to be a stuffed wolf plushie. "Skye left it behind in my car and I took it inside to remind myself to bring it by. Guess I kept forgetting."

Sasha nods her head quietly before looking down at her hands wringing in her lap. "I'll make sure to give it to her."

Ronda's eyebrows lift in concern. "Hey...is everything okay? You seem kinda..."

Squeezing her eyes shut, Sasha takes a deep breath as she tries in vain to recall everything she had practiced in the car. "I'm...Christ," she hisses before laughing nervously. "You'd think with what I do I wouldn't be such an idiot with words but I just..." she pauses and takes a much needed deep breath. "I wanted to talk to you actually. About...well, about us."

"Us," Ronda repeats the word carefully with a nod of affirmation. She shifts slightly in her chair, her own nerves reflecting Sasha's uneasiness, which she had picked up the moment she sat down. "Okay. Is 'us' okay?" When she doesn't receive a response after a lengthy silence, she breathes a nervous sigh. "It's not...is it?"

Biting her lip, Sasha ducks her head. "Ronda I...you're amazing. You took a chance on...well someone who came with a lot of emotional baggage and then some. You're amazing with Skye and really there's not a lot more a woman in my position could ask for beyond that. You've been...really everything I could ever ask for and more and with a heart that big I can't help but think that you deserve so much more than..."

Once again, Sasha finds herself letting out another shaky breath. "You deserve more than someone who is still in someway committed to her past."

"Oh..." the word is spoken with a small amount of realization that has Ronda sitting back in her chair. Her gaze drops to the stuffed animal in her hands as her shoulders drop. "Wow...I...heh. I guess that makes things a little clearer then."

"I'm sorry," Sasha is quick to apologize. "I didn't mean...I wasn't trying to lead you on, I just—"

"No, no I get it. I totally get it. You don't have to apologize for how you feel. I...kinda figured actually, I just wasn't entirely sure how to bring it up I guess."

Sasha's eyes fall. "I guess it was more obvious than I thought. It just took time and circumstances for me to get everything sorted out."

Ronda nods before swallowing thickly. "I understand. I...on the trip Skye talked a lot about her. About Becky. It's pretty obvious that she's Skye's hero. That kid really looks up to her, you know? I...I don't wanna do anything that would take away from that. Not with how you guys are a family and..." she pauses to lick her lips as she collects her words. "You love her?"

"Yeah..." Sasha responds quietly, realizing that she doesn't even hesitate at answering the question. "Yeah...I do."

"That's the important thing then, right?"

Though she's trying to hide it, Sasha can see the hurt playing out in the other woman's eyes. She carefully reaches across and rests her hands atop Ronda's where it sits on the table. "I don't have any business asking this but...are you okay?"

Ronda seems a bit surprised at the question, but she's quickly shrugging. "Me? No yeah. I'll be fine. I mean, I definitely wish we would've worked, but your family needs you. That's where you belong." Her voice trails off as she slowly lifts Sasha's hand and placed a gentle kiss on the back of it. "You're a very special lady, Sasha. You really deserve the world when it comes to your happiness, and I can see it...that's where your heart is."

"I'm really sorry," Sasha's voice gets caught in her throat as she feels her eyes become damp. "I wish I could've—"

"Hey. We might not have worked out, but promise me you won't apologize for how you feel, okay? You're an amazing woman and a kick ass mom, remember that."

Despite the bittersweet emotions surging between the two of them, they managed to offer one another genuine smiles. Ronda remembers the plushie and she chuckles lowly before lifting it with a shrug.

"Ah, you can decide if you want to give this to Skye or not. I really wouldn't wanna make it weird or anything."

"It's not weird," Sasha is quick to reassure her. "It won't be weird and...I'm sure when things settle down, if you're okay with it, she wouldn't mind seeing her best bud every now and again."

Ronda beams despite herself and the two are soon exchanging quiet pleasantries to hopefully ease some relaxation into an initially tense moment. Standing from their chairs, the two meet about halfway as Ronda pulls Sasha in for a respectable hug.

"Let me know if you need anything?"

"Thank you," Sasha whispers quietly as she accepts a gentle kiss to her cheek.

As they part ways, Sasha glances at the plushie in her hands. For a moment, a small part of her wonders about the 'what could have been in another life'. Her heart weighs slightly heavy, but at the same time, she feels as if a giant weight has been lifted. A weight that has sat so heavy for so long and it only took her admitting the god honest truth out loud and to herself for it to feel lifted.

* * *

When she returns home, Sasha is a bit startled to find it silent. If there's anything she's learned over the years, it's that silence is perhaps the most suspicious thing on the planet. Well, maybe the most suspicious thing next to spontaneous _'Mommy I love you'_ s.

Setting her keys and purse down in the dining room, she makes her way towards the living room where she immediately comes to a halt. All of the curtains have been pulled closed and the television is playing quietly in the background, but that's not what draws her immediate attention.

What draws her immediate attention is the mountain of pillows and blankets fashioned into an intricate fort cast across the majority of the living room. Sasha's eyebrows lift in amusement as she maneuvers around to the front of the fort and immediately her eyes soften and what she finds.

Towards the very "entrance" of the fort amidst a plethora of snacks, Skye lay tucked comfortably underneath Becky's arm while she's about halfway laying on her chest. Becky has one arm tucked behind her head while the other holds Skye close just around her waist. Their eyes are closed and their breathing even as they sleep soundly with the television long forgotten in the background.

Sasha grins as she carefully commandeers one of the blankets from the fort before she's carefully draping it over the sleeping twosome. She crouches down and tucks the blanket in tightly around them before she leans in and gives Skye a quick peck on the forehead. She gently strokes the side of Becky's face with her thumb before she's dropping a gentle kiss to her cheek, lingering just a bit as she's over washed with a comforting wave of familiar.

As she stands once again, she spares the two once last glance before she's heading off to start dinner for the three of them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you guys for your continued support of this story. As I’m very close to closing this one out, I really don’t know how else I can express my thanks other than to keep emphasizing how much it means for you all to keep sticking buy. 
> 
> As always, thoughts always welcome :)


	23. Chapter 23

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Close attention that there's a little bit of a time skip here. I hope you all enjoy this one :)

“Where is it…shit, where is it!”

Becky continues to mumble aimlessly to herself as she continues to move around just shy of tearing her whole desk a part. Surface level, she’s pretty sure she’s opened and closed the same sequence of drawers about five or six times now, but that doesn’t stop her from opening, closing, and then reopening things like some sort of madwoman. If anyone were to walk by, they would have the luxury of peering in to see nothing short of a small tornado that’s made its way across her cubical.

“Shit…” she huffs irritably through her nose as she straightens up and places her hands on her hips. Something of a pout forms at her lips as she drags a hang through her hair and continues to gaze around as if the lone action in itself will be enough to jog her memory. After a short stint of standing in silence, she shakes her head and huffs out a laugh. “Christ, I’m getting old.”

“Mmm, I would say ‘getting old’ implies that you aren’t old already.”

Becky’s eyes roll automatically as the smugness filters into her office area. She looks up, unsurprised to find the source of the smartass comment leaning against the entryway of her cubical with a lackadaisical look to match. Rolling her eyes again, she sends the other woman the finger before briefly turning her attention back to her mess of a desk.

“Then if I’m old, then what does that make you, Grandma Moses?” she retorts back as a knowing smirk slowly tugs at the corner of her lips. “Between the two of us, you’re the one with a bedtime now, right?”

Bayley’s mouth falls open and she’s momentarily spluttering at the clapback. “Hey! Wait, I don’t—” she huffs and folds her arms. “Okay, it’s not even like that. It’s because I have to be up at the ass crack of down now like I’m some kinda crackhead.”

Becky laughs openly for a moment and when she’s done, her grin doesn’t fade. “Well Sergeant, what has someone as important as yourself gracing little ole me with your strapping presence?” her grin only widens considerably as she just barely catches the light dusting of pink across Bayley’s nose as she tightens her arms and looks away muttering something unintelligible. “Aw, Bay, you know I’m only foolin’. Seriously though, how’s it feel?”

“I dunno. Weird, I guess? I mean, it’s not a bad weird, just…I dunno. I’m still trying to get used to it, I guess? I mean…someone did leave me with some pretty big shoes to fill.” 

“Well, you deserve it. Really. I can’t think of anyone else who deserves those stripes more than you.”

“Ah Becks…”

“Nah, I’m serious! You deserve it man, and I dunno…I guess you could say I’m proud of you…or something.”

Bayley eyes her friend for a moment before her lax grin slowly creeps even wider. “You’re gonna cry.”

Becky turns away and begins blinking quickly. “Shut up. No, I’m not.”

“No, you’re totally gonna cry right now. I can see it. Your nose only gets all scrunched up like that when you’re about to cry,” Bayley playfully points a finger and makes a face. “Detective work make you go soft, Lynch?”

Becky rolls her eyes to the sky before shaking her head. “Soft isn’t exactly how I would put it,” she chuckles quietly.

There’s a comfortable silence between the two of them for a short moment as Becky once again gazes around the semi-organized space of her cubical. The place that she’s now called her workspace over the past several months. The decision to come off patrol had definitely been something she had thought long and hard about, but now that she looks back on it, she thinks that her mind had been made up long before she had even realized it.

It had definitely been something of an adjustment. Trading in her odd hours uniform for a wardrobe of 9 to 5 blazers was like doing a one eighty-degree U-turn in the middle of the highway. For starters, it had even taken her a bit of time to get her sleep schedule sorted out, because for _years_ she had been so used to leaving before the sun came up and returning long after it had disappeared from the sky. Now? She’s been introduced to a taste of normal consistency that she doesn’t at all want to give up.

“Hey…you okay?”

The softness of her friend’s voice brings Becky back to reality. “Yeah actually,” she nods with confidence. “I’ve really never been better actually. Just got a lot going on up here, I think—” she interrupts herself as her eyes catch something on her desk. She moves forward and shifts around a few papers before uncovering a laminated booklet; just the thing she had practically tore her desk apart looking for not even ten minutes ago.

“Finally!” she flips the booklet before lifting it triumphantly. When she looks up, she finds Bayley watching her with a questionable eyebrow raise. Shrugging, she chuckles again before raising the booklet. “My playbook. We’ve got a practice this morning and a game tomorrow. I thought it was at home, but I guess I left it up here.”

Bayley snorts and shakes her head. “I was wondering why you were even up here on your off day. Last I checked, you had taken the day off, yeah?”

Becky shrugs. “I did, but like I said, I needed this. You know a bunch of fourth graders aren’t gonna remember anything off the top without some sort of visual…” she snorts humorously. “Shit, _I’m_ not gonna remember anything off the top without some sort of visual.”

“Yeah, you’re _definitely_ getting old,” Bayley clicks her tongue and shakes her head. “But…for what it’s worth, you look really happy, dude. I’m really happy for you.”

“Yeah it’s been…thing’s have been great. Here and at home…and at home well…heh,” Becky pauses and begins rubbing at the back of her neck, a usual telltale sign of her nerves. “C’mere, I actually wanna show you something.”

Becky shuffles over to the other side of her desk where she crouches down and opens one of the bottom drawers. She moves a few things aground before she’s standing up once again, nudging the drawer closed with her shin as she holds out a black velvet box between the two of them. Her fingers run over the outside of the case before she’s carefully opening it to reveal a stunning piece of jewelry.

“Eee, shit!” Bayley hisses, her eyes widening as she takes in the beautiful ring nestled in red velvet. “I mean, Becky you really shouldn’t have. I had no idea you felt that way about me.”

For the nth time in such a short amount of time, which is something of a regularity when spending time with her best friend, Becky finds her eyes rolling hard. “Shut up,” she mumbles before giving Bayley a careful nudge with her shoulder. “Seriously though…what do you think about it?”

“Man…it’s gorgeous.”

“Yeah, I only got it in about a week or so ago?”

The ring is a thing of beauty. Small diamonds decorate intricately woven band of platinum that creates a vine-esque design around an impressive square cut diamond that acts as the center piece of the entire ensemble. No matter which way the light hits it, it casts something of a reflective glow that’s simply captivating as far as the eye can see.

“I ah, it’s custom. I had it made special and that one right there,” Becky pauses to point to one of the smaller diamond closer to the centerpiece. “That one’s the original one. I…I don’t know, I felt like it would only be right if it was part of the setting.”

Bayley whispers quietly. “Dude that’s…shit, that’s amazing actually,” she then turns and regards her friend with a look of seriousness. “You’re ready for it?”

Becky continues to admire the ring quietly before nodding her head. “More than ready. I think…you ever just know that it’s the right time for something? You don’t need to be told or shown a sign or anything, you just kind of wake up and you feel it? It’s taken some time. It _needed_ the time, but I—”

She cuts herself off, momentarily taking the time to swallow as she feels her emotions get caught in her throat.

“I really feel like this is it.”

* * *

With her playbook tucked under her arm, Becky’s eyebrows lift just above her sunglasses as she continues to make her way towards the practice field. There’s a small part of her that wants to be surprised when she spots roughly fifteen little girls running with balls at their feet up and down the field. Her eyes shift over to the sideline where she finds a very familiar face standing poised with her hands on her hips as she occasionally shouts out an instruction and points downfield. Becky can’t help but chuckle and shake her head.

“You trying to take my job?” she implores smugly as she gets closer to the sideline where she sets her playbook down on a nearby bench.

Sasha jumps, having been slightly startled by Becky’s sudden appearance, but her lips eventually pull into a smirk. “Why? You worried about a little bit of competition?”

Becky tilts her head back and laughs openly. “Honestly, I’m worried about having all the girls quit on me because you’re a lot bossier than I am.”

Sasha’s mouth falls open and she reaches over to give Becky a shove. “Jerk! I am _not_ bossy,” she haughtily huffs and folds her arms as she turns her attention back to the field. She watches the girls for a moment before she’s snorting and giving Becky a nudge. “If anything, it’s _your_ daughter, who is the bossy one. I’ve had to continuously remind her to quit being a ball hog and share so everyone will get a chance to play.”

Becky’s eyebrows lift as she watches Skye effortlessly dribble the soccer ball around one of her teammates before slotting it into the bottom left corner of the goal. The celebratory cheer and dance that follows has Becky shaking her head slowly.

“Nuh uh…that’s not on me. That is _your_ kid, right there. Spitting image of you and all. Right there making everyone else feel bad about themselves. That’s got nothing to do with me,” she pauses and tilts her head. “She does know this is just practice right?”

“Please. If you ask her, she’ll tell you she just scored the winning goal at the Olympics,” Sasha rolls her eyes. As she feels Becky’s arm slide around her waist, she slips closer and leans more into Becky’s side. “What took you so long, anyway? Everything okay at the office?”

“Oh! No, yeah, everything’s fine. I couldn’t remember where I put the stupid playbook and Bayley and I got caught up talking anyway. She says hi by the way.” Becky then shifts to where she now has both her arms wrapped around Sasha’s waist. She pulls her in closer before resting their foreheads together. “I missed you.”

Sasha playfully rolls her eyes and once again gives Becky a playful nudge, but not enough to move her away. “You saw me this morning.”

“So? Doesn’t mean I still didn’t miss you,” Becky’s grin is devilish as she leans in to playfully nip at Sasha’s ear. “Especially after last night.”

“Becky!” Sasha hisses, wiggling just a bit as her face suddenly becomes very warm. “Not in front of the kids!”

The action only serves to egg Becky on. “When’d you suddenly become the bashful type?” she leans in and wiggles her eyebrows. “Because let me tell you, you definitely weren’t bashful when you—”

“ _Becky!_ ”

“Ew!”

The two are interrupted by a painfully familiar exclamation and they separate just enough to find their daughter looking up at them with disgust. Skye has her arms folded and her face is pinched into something of a grossed-out frown. After a short stare down, she eventually just shakes her head at the two.

“Why you guys gotta be so gross all the time?” she huffs indignantly.

Becky raises an eyebrow. “Gross? I can show you—”

“Do not!” Sasha quickly interrupts, this time giving Becky a firmer shove before she regards Skye look with a firm look of her own. “And what did I tell you earlier? That doesn’t look like sharing out there.”

Skye’s eyes widen. “It’s not my fault! I’m faster than the rest of them. It’s not my fault they can’t catch me,” she tries to pout and make herself look as innocent as possible.

Sasha scoffs. “I invented that face. It doesn’t work on me.”

Skye’s shoulders drop. “Was worth a shot…” she mumbles to herself before absently kicking the ground. “I promise I’ll… _try_.”

“Skye Jane…”

Skye winces. “Fine. I promise I’ll share,” she huffs again before looking up at Becky. “Mama can we please practice for real, now? I got a new move I wanna try!”

Becky clicks her tongue and shakes her head. “See? Bossy.” She murmurs in Sasha’s direction before she’s blowing the whistle hanging around her neck to round up the rest of the kids for practice.

* * *

“Hey, thanks for this. I know it was super last minute.”

Sasha shakes her head and regards her best friend with a smile. “No problem. You know I’m always down for a shopping trip, impromptu or not. I just didn’t color you the type for interior decorating. I always thought you paid people to do that for you.”

Charlotte chuckles quietly. “Ideally yes, but I don’t know. Guess I’ve kind of wanted to try something new. What’s that those valley girls like to say before they do something stupid? ‘New year, new me’ or whatever the hell.”

Sasha grins. “Well you know I’m always down to help. Decorating is my forte.”

“I’ll say. Don’t think I’ve ever seen you get more excited about something like you do curtains,” Charlotte mentions. She falls silent for a moment and taps her fingers against the steering wheel before she’s glancing at Sasha out of the corner of her eye. “You’re happy.”

“Hmm?” Sasha hums absently, almost if she’s too busying lost within the realm of her own thoughts.

Charlotte chuckles again. “You. You’re happy. I don’t know how to explain it but lately you’ve just…had this soft glow about you. Kinda reminds me of when we were younger, you know? Like now,” she lifts a hand from the steering wheel to gesture in Sasha’s direction. “You’ve had the same grin on your face since I’ve picked up you.”

Sasha laughs lowly before she ducks her head a bit and shrugs. “I guess I have. It’s just…things have been going right at work and at home and it’s just…it’s been really nice.”

“They seem like it. It’s been a long time since I’ve seen you this happy, Sash. It’s really great to see.”

“Thanks. I think…recently I’ve been doing a lot of thinking and I’ve kinda figured out that my own happiness is something that has to be worked for, you know? Like, perfection is something that can’t be expected because…what if perfection doesn’t even exist at all? Expecting it is just…almost time wasting in the end.”

Charlotte once again, worrying the inside of her lip as her fingers tap against the steering wheel. “You know I love you, right? You’ve always been like a sister to me, Sash and I’ve only ever wanted what’s best for you and I…I guess I need to apologize how that kinda seemed like I was stepping on your life.”

Sasha scoffs and tries to wave off the apology. “Char c’mon—”

“No, I mean it. You…you know what you’re doing and you know what you want, and I can’t tell you what it means to me to see you smile again. _Legitimately_.”

Hearing the sincerity in the woman’s words, Sasha nods, unable to keep the almost childlike smile from splitting her features. “Thanks Charlie,” she whispers quietly.

The two share a light banter the rest of the way. It’s not before long until Charlotte is putting her car into park just at the curb outside Sasha’s house. “Thanks again, for this. I’m sorry I just kinda called you out of the blue with this.”

Sasha playfully rolls her eyes. “Please. You’ve called with stranger things. Besides, I could use a little girl time anyway. Becky and Skye were going at it on that damn PlayStation thing and it was bound to last for hours. I needed the getaway.”

At this, Charlotte laughs openly. “I’ll be sure to kidnap you every once in a while, then,” she watches momentarily as Sasha moves to exit her car before she’s calling out to her again. “Hey Sash?”

“Yeah?”

“You deserve it. You deserve to be happy.”

Sasha doesn’t need to ask. They’ve known each other far too long for her to even have to. She can see it through the sincerity and for once the overall lack of skepticism in the eyes of her best friend. Words don’t need to be exchanged. instead, she smiles sincerely and reaches across to give Charlotte’s hand a knowing screen before she nods her understanding.

Bidding Charlotte a goodnight, Sasha fishes for her housekeys as she makes her way up the walkway to the front door. As she inserts them and eventually pushes the door open, she’s slightly surprised to find the house enveloped with a serene warmth. At first glance, she notices the candles that have been lit to decorate the front of the living room. Her eyes immediately flit to the little girl standing proudly in front of her. She’s dressed in a pair of black slacks and a black long sleeve complete with a necklace that Sasha _knows_ is her own.

“Good evening, Ma’am! Welcome!” Skye announces proudly with a wide smile. “May I take your coat?”

Sasha blinks owlishly and momentarily glances around the living room as if searching for the hidden camera crew responsible for the joke. “Okay…” her voice drags out a bit skeptically as she removes her coat and hands it over to her daughter.

“Thank you! Wait one moment please,” Skye announces as she moves across the room towards their coat closet. She opens the closet and eyes the hangers for a moment before her face scrunches up. “Uh…wait one second.”

Still incredibly confused, Sasha watches as Skye dashes off towards the kitchen. For a moment, she contemplates following, but stops when she finds Skye soon returning with Becky in tow. Her eyes go wide at the sight up Becky dressed in finely pressed black on black suit, complete with a tie perfectly fashioned around the collar. She sends Sasha a small grin before she moves past to help Skye with the extra height needed to put Sasha’s coat in the closet.

“Thanks!” Skye whispers before clearing her throat and returning to her mother. “Dinner will be served shortly and all guests must be properly dressed before dining with us today!”

Sasha momentarily locks eyes with Becky who sends her a wink, before she smirks and turns her attention back to Skye. She furrows her eyebrows into a look of concern before looking down at herself. “What’s wrong with how I’m dressed now?”

Skye sighs exaggeratedly. “Mommy…” she groans, looking as if she’s about to stamp her foot in frustration. “Can you go put on your fancy clothes? _Please?_ ”

“I don’t know…I think I’m pretty comfortable how I am.”

“ _Mommy!_ ”

“Skye,” Becky interrupts with a quiet chuckle before the whining can really get started. “How about you go double check and make sure everything is all set up, yeah? Can you do that for me?”

At this, Skye seems to perk up immediately before she’s quickly nodding and rushing back into the kitchen. Becky is shaking her head with amusement as she watches the girl run off. When she turns back, she’s not the least bit surprised to find Sasha watching her with a look of curiosity.

“Hey,” she murmurs as she pulls Sasha into a warm hug. “Did you have shopping with Charlotte?”

“Mhm, I did,” Sasha returns the hug before pulling away while raising a skeptical eyebrow. “But you definitely weren’t wearing that when I left. What’s the occasion?”

Becky’s signature side grin appears and for a second, Sasha feels like a younger version of herself with the way her heart sputters.

“Well…” Becky draws out, her voice low as she pulls Sasha in closer. “I was kinda hoping you’d join me for a romantic dinner? Say in about…twenty minutes?”

“Ah I see. Hence the strict dress code requests,” Sasha laughs. “I only get twenty minutes?”

Becky echoes the laugh before shrugging. “Well you know. Management at this particular restaurant appears to be a bit particular about time.”

“I noticed,” Sasha hums as she leans in and places a gentle kiss to the corner of Becky’s lips before dropping her voice down to a whisper. “I guess I’ll see you in twenty minutes.”

* * *

Twenty minutes for Sasha to get ready for _anything_ is absolutely erring on the rushed side but seeing as she doesn’t appear to be going anywhere but the safe confines of her house, she supposes she can settle for the allotted amount of time. She has just finished applying her mascara when she glances at her phone to see that she’s just about finished with five minutes to spare. A short laugh escapes her when she makes the joke about how Skye will be pleased with her timeliness.

Speaking of Skye…

Sasha is once again surprised to find her daughter waiting for her at the bottom of the stairs. Her hands are clasped together in front of her as she casually sways from side to side. Her eyes then widen drastically when Sasha finally descends the stairs.

Sasha arches an eyebrow. “Why that face?” she implores skeptically. “What’s wrong.”

“Nothing!” Skye exclaims while quickly shaking her head. She continues to stare for a moment before she beams the world’s brightest smile. “You’re just really pretty, Mommy.”

“Thank you, Baby,” Sasha leans down and places a firm kiss to Skye’s cheek, purposely leaving behind a lipstick mark.

Skye knows this and she makes a face, but she doesn’t say anything. Instead, she takes Sasha’s hand and begins tugging her towards the back patio. “Right this way, Ma’am!”

Sasha chuckles quietly as she allows herself to be led out towards their backyard. Once they step through the sliding door, her eyes immediately widen as she finds that the patio deck has been decorated as well. There are fairy lights decorating the wooden railings and support beams, while candles are spread out amongst the surface. Her gaze immediately finds Becky who is sitting at a table, complete with a full place setting, candles and a white tablecloth.

“Becky…” Sasha breathes, completely in awe of all the decorating that had been accomplished in short time she had been out shopping. “What is all this?”

“Dinner,” Becky responds with an innocent grin as if it’s the most obvious thing in the world. “Care to join me?”

As Sasha moves towards the empty chair at the table, Skye pulls it out for her. “Thank you, Sweetheart,” Sasha murmurs her gratitude as she takes her seat. All this time she’s been wracking her brain for an occasion she might’ve missed out on, but she’s come up empty.

“You’re welcome,” Skye grins before she steps away from the table and clears her throat again. “On tonight’s menu is uh…wait,” her face scrunches up momentarily before it lights up again. “Oh yeah! On tonight’s menu, we have our chef’s special and it’s lemon pepper chicken with mashed potatoes and broccoli,” she pauses and leans closer to Sasha before whispering. “I made the potatoes.”

Sasha grins and whispers back. “I can’t wait to try them.”

Skye perks up. “Good! I’ll go get them. I’ll be right back.”

“Skye,” Becky calls out before the girl can take off back into the house. “Remember what I said?”

Skye nods quickly. “Yes Mama, I’ll bring them one at a time, so I don’t drop them.”

“That’s my girl,” Becky nods. Once their left alone, she reaches across the table for Sasha’s empty wineglass. “May I pour you a glass?”

“You may,” Sasha offers her glass while still eyeing everything around her with heightened interest and curiosity. “I’m still not quite sure the occasion?”

Becky shrugs as she pours their glasses. “There has to be an occasion? I was just thinking, you know…we both work hard. We deserve a quiet night out.”

“While also having a night in because we’re both old and don’t want to deal with the general public,” Sasha snorts.

Becky laughs openly. “Or you could say it’s that, yeah. But hey,” she lifts her wineglass. “Gives us an excuse to enjoy more of this then, right?”

Sasha raises her glass and clinks it with Becky’s. “I’ll definitely drink to that.”

Before their conversation can continue, Skye is returning to the patio with a plate in hand. She carefully places it on the table in front of Becky before she’s dashing back into the house. She’s quickly returning with a second one that she’s carefully placing on the table in front of Sasha. Standing back, she observes the table before nodding with satisfaction.

“Dinner is served! Enjoy!”

Sasha’s eyebrows raise as she watches daughter dash back into the house. “Okay, you’ve gotta tell me the secret. What’d you bribe her with to pull all this off?”

Becky gasps and places a hand over her chest. “You think that I would bribe my own daughter? Sasha that hurts!” she can’t even hold a straight face before she’s bursting into a fit of laughter. “Honestly it wasn’t so much a bribery as it was a ‘hey do this and I won’t tell mom about that time you did that one thing and got away with it’.”

“Oooh, so it was more of a threat,” Sasha’s grin widens almost mischievously as she slightly leans across the table. “Tell me…what _was_ this thing she did and got away with that you both don’t want Mom to know about?”

Becky’s eyes widen briefly. “Ahah…well…you know. Less you know the better and all that,” she rubs at the back of her neck. “So, ah…dinner?”

“Dinner…” Sasha echoes with a chuckle as she digs into her plate.

Banter is plentiful and the air is light as the two enjoy their meal. On more than one occasion, Sasha will find herself pleasantly laughing so hard that she’s nearly in tears. In being honest, she’s found herself more familiar with these type of moments over the last several months and it’s truly done wonders for how she feels when she wakes up in the morning. She no longer wakes up on the verge of exhaustion and anxiety for an unforeseeably packed day. Instead she can wake up relaxed, knowing that there isn’t necessarily any impending or pressing matters that she has to worry about.

“How is everything?” Becky asks curiously after a lull in conversation.

“Delicious,” Sasha hums around a mouthful of food. “Did she really make the potatoes?”

Becky lights up and nods her head vigorously. “Yeah! She did actually! I mean, I cut them up and everything, but everything else she did. I was actually kinda impressed because I have no idea where she got that from.”

Sasha hums delightfully as she takes the time to enjoy her last spoonful of potato. “God well, it must be a gift.”

“Among her many bucketful of things she’s good at right,” Becky playfully rolls her eyes.

“Right. Just one more thing for her to brag about,” Sasha hums before taking a sip of wine. She notices that Becky has gone quiet and instead has opted to watch her. She sets her glass down and tilts her head with her eyebrows furrowed in concern. “What’s wrong?”

Becky shakes her head dreamily before she realizes the question warrants an actual response. “Nothing I just…thank you.”

Sasha lifts her eyebrows curiously. “Okay…what for?”

“Nothing, well…no not nothing, I just…” Becky takes a deep breath to calm her sudden onslaught of nerves. “Skye she’s…amazing and seeing her grow up each and everything it’s been…it’s been amazing. Like, who knew this is what kids were like, right? I mean, gosh! They’re like their only little people in their own big world out there! She has so much personality and she’s only _eight_ , Sash! Not to mention she’s beautiful and I already know I’m going to have to fend off all the boys or girls when she grows up. She’s amazing, Sash and I really just wanna thank you for giving me the most beautiful and talented and wonderful kid that anyone could ask for.”

Sasha finds herself having to blink back tears. “Becky,” she ducks her head and laughs nervously as she tries to keep them at bay. “You know that’s not just all me, right? She’s…so much like you. It took some time for me to realize it, but just the way that she approaches things head on and when she does it’s like she’s all in or nothing. Not to mention she has your smile. God, I can be having the worst of days and all she has to do is smile and it’s like…it’s like she makes me forget what I was even upset about. Kinda like you. You’ve always done that for me.”

“Except when I didn’t…” Becky murmurs quietly as her eyes drop.

Sasha is quick to reach across the table and grab hold of Becky’s hand. “Hey, we’ve moved forward. Things aren’t perfect, but I think it would be kind of silly of us to think that they would be. Nothing’s perfect, Becky. I’m sure as hell not and neither are you. But…that’s kind of why we work. Two very imperfect people who love each other despite all that. And if I’m being honest…” Sasha ducks her head as she smiles bashfully. “I like you just how you are. I always have.”

Becky feels her face go warm and she turns her hand over just enough to interlace her fingers with Sasha’s. “I love you. _So much_. There will never be a time in my life where I will get tired of saying that and I pray that there will never be a time where you get tired of hearing it,” she pauses and shifts in her chair for a moment before taking another deep breath. “We’ve come…so far from where we were. From where I was that dumb kid who didn’t feel like I was worth a damn to even be standing next to you to the neglectful idiot that broke your heart to where we are now. You didn’t have to give me another chance. Most people wouldn’t have, but you did and I...I can’t thank you enough for that. I—”

Becky’s voice cracks and she tries her best to cover it up as she clears her throat. “I know we still have work to do. We will always have work to do, but it’s like you said. Nothing is perfect, and you’re right. It’s not but…I would like to think that I found my perfect person in you.”

Her fingers are shaking something terrible as she reaches into the pocket of her jacket and grabs hold of the small velvet box she’s had nestled in there all evening. She peeks at it in her lap before she takes one last breath and carefully opens the lid before placing it on the table. She turns it around and slides it across the table to where it is sitting directly in front of Sasha.

“If you ask me, I didn’t ask you properly the first time. Not that it needed to be some grandiose thing with fireworks and everything else, but you deserved something more than an impulsive idiot stumbling through her words.”

Slipping out of her chair, Becky reaches out and takes Sasha’s hand in her own before sinking down to one knee. “I didn’t think that I would get this opportunity again. I don’t think either of us did, but now that I have it I…I don’t want to spend another waking moment not being the partner that you deserve. You’re my perfect person and my perfect ending, Sasha and I…I would be honored if you would grant me the privilege of being your forever.”

By the time Becky finishes, Sasha is openly crying. Tears stream down her face and the hand that’s not held in Becky’s is slightly trembling as she holds it over her mouth. Her vision is blurred as she locks eyes with Becky’s and when she opens her mouth, a strangled sob beats the first word out.

“B-Beck…” she stammers, blinking wildly in an attempt to stop the tears. The action only proves usually as more begin to fall and in leu of finding words she doesn’t have, she nods her head. The movement is at first jerked, but she continues to vigorously nod as she squeezes Becky’s fingers with her own.

“Yes...” she whispers once finally finding her words. “A thousand times yes.”

Becky’s nerves are so bad that she nearly drops the ring as she removes it from the box and slips it onto Sasha’s finger. She brushes her thumb over Sasha’s knuckles and takes a moment to examine the ring. When she looks up again she finds Sasha’s eyes locked with her own and she can’t help the blinding smile that appears at her lips.

“Becky…” Sasha gasps quietly as she examines the ring in its entirety for the first time since it was presented. “Becky is this…it’s…it’s my ring.”

“Yeah, Baby. It’s yours,” Becky places a gentle kiss to the back of Sasha’s hand. “It’s all yours.”

In one fluid motion, Sasha is sliding from her chair and joining Becky who is still down on one knee. She reaches up and cups Becky’s face in both her hands before she’s kissing her square on the mouth. She kisses Becky with everything she has, pouring out every ounce of emotion that she’s kept bottled and contained for much too long.

The two are so engrossed in one another they don’t notice the sound of the patio door slowly sliding open. Skye pokes her head outside and gasps quietly when she finds her parents holding one another on the patio. She can tell that they’re both crying, but whether that’s a good thing or a bad thing, she’s not quite sure yet.

“Mama?” she asks carefully. Her mother had sat her down early and explained to her the plan for the night and for the most part she thinks she understands. “Mama did you ask her?”

A watery laugh escapes Becky. “Yeah Kiddo. I asked her.”

Skye’s eyes widen just a fraction. “What…what’d she say?”

“I said yes, Baby,” Sasha responds. “I said yes.”

Gasping again, Skye runs at her parents at full speed colliding with them full force as she does her best to wrap her much smaller arms around the both of them. “She said yes, Mama! She said yes!”

Becky, who is now crying openly, can only nod initially. She pulls both Skye and Sasha into her arms and hold them tightly. She holds them as tightly as she possibly can because she knows this time? This time she’s not going to let them sleep away. Not if she can help it.

* * *

******

She can’t remember the last time she’s actually slept properly. Her feet are killing her to the point where she wonders if she can just rid herself of the damn things all together. Each movement behind the bar sends pins and needles up her feet and god she just wants one fucking second where she doesn’t have to—

“Lynch! Where’s the fucking tanker for table eight!?”

Rolling her eyes, Becky turns her attention to filling up another pitcher for the drunken idiots occupying the booth across the bar. She might not have even filled it up with the right beer if she’s being honest. She doesn’t know and she sure as shit doesn’t care.

She’s about two seconds from giving her manager the finger and telling him where he can stick that tanker from table eight when she spots a patron who is incredibly out of place. Becky doesn’t remember much about the people who move in and out of this place, but she remembers _her_.

She remembers the group from the night before and how she had been instantly captivated by the lone girl with purple hair who stood out amongst her group of friends. Becky had been embarrassed how she had nearly broken two glasses and spilled a whole keg because she had been too busy staring. In a perfect world, Becky would’ve gone over and tried to talk to her, but this world was far from perfect and Becky knows exactly where she stands when it comes to girls like that.

Still to this very moment, that doesn’t stop her from staring as the girl continues to look around the bar. God, she looks so incredibly out of place here, that Becky just _knows_ she took a wrong turn somewhere and ended up in the wrong place. There’s no possible way a girl like that is meant to end up in a place like this. Not on purpose.

Surely a girl like that doesn’t end up in a place like this and is heading _straight_ towards the bar.

Not on purpose.

“Hey...”

Becky’s eyes go wide when she realizes the girl has approached the bar and is now standing directly in front of her. Becky takes the time to look around herself as if there’s someone else behind her that’s grabbed the girl’s attention. When she finds no one, she’s sure she looks like a shining star idiot when she turns around and points directly at herself for clarification.

The girl laughs.

“Hey, uh…hey,” Becky clears her throat. She works her jaw several times before jerking a thumb over her shoulder. “Are you here to order? I know it looks pretty busy right now, but I can take your order down and make sure it’s…”

The girl laughs again and shakes her head. “No…no. I’m not here to order,” she laughs again, almost shyly as she ducks her head and tucks a strand of purple air behind her ear. “I’m here looking for you actually.”

Becky’s eyes go wide. Oh god, surely she hadn’t done something stupid that she doesn’t remember. Sure she was running on fours of sleep total for the week, but even in her sleep deprived state she hadn’t done anything _that_ stupid.

“Oh my god, did I…did I say something?” she begins to wrack her brain for what might’ve happened. “I’m so sorry if I did. It’s been a long week and shit, I don’t remember much about who I’ve interacted with and—”

“No! It’s okay. You didn’t…we haven’t met actually. I was…I was actually here with my friends yesterday. Last night when you were working and there was this drunk guy…”

Becky laughs, a bit louder than she should due to her nerves. “Last night? Shit, there were a lot of drunk guys. You’ve gotta be more specific than that.”

The girl laughs herself, an angelic noise that sends Becky’s head for a spin. “Hah, I guess you’ve got a point there. The guy who puked all over the part,” she makes a face of disgust before quickly backtracking. “I didn’t know who he was! He wasn’t my boyfriend or anything. I just…I set him over here to get us drinks so he’d go away. You had to clean all that up and I really just wanted to apologize for putting you in that situation.”

Becky blinks owlishly and it takes her brain a few more seconds than she would like to kick in. “Oh…oh my god you don’t have to apologize for that!” she tries to laugh off her nerves. “Hey, listen. I’ve had to clean up far worse than what that idiot put out. If anything, you were just trying to have a good time with your friends without a jackass like that ruinin’ your night. You’re entitled to that.”

“Thank you. Still I guess…” she pauses and huffs before laughing besides herself. “I guess I just still wanted to apologize. Places like this…I’m sure you get a lot of assholes like that, so you shouldn’t have to deal with one I sent over.”

“Hey…if it wasn’t all over the bar it would probably be all over you. And for what it’s worth,” A sideways grin tugs at the corner of Becky’s lips. “I’m really glad it was the bar.”

The girl looks momentarily taken off guard before she laughs again. She bites her bottom lip and ducks her head, once again tucking a strand of hair behind her ear. Becky begins to wonder if that’s something of a nervous habit.

“I should…I should go,” the girl says, though she makes no move to leave. “I don’t wanna hold you up or whatever. You…look like you’re pretty busy here.”

Becky scoffs and quickly waves a hand. “Please. This place would probably fall apart with or without me anyway.”

This draws out yet another laugh that Becky swears she would never get tired of hearing. The girl shuffles on her feet for a moment before looking up as if she’s made up her mind about something only she knew the stakes of. Becky’s eyes widen once again as the girl suddenly sticks her hand across the bar.

“Sasha,” she says suddenly, giggling shyly as she backtracks. “I’m Sasha.”

Becky stares at the girl’s hand and for a moment, she wants to pinch herself as if she’s dreaming. Thankfully, she has enough wherewithal not to do that and make an even more embarrassing fool of herself.

“Sasha…” she repeats quietly, secretly loving how the girl’s name sounds. She quickly wipes her hands with the dry rag she had over her shoulder. As she returns the handshake, her face is overrun with warmth that instantly translates to the rest of her body. It’s like one of those cheesy romantic movies where she never wants to let go.

“Nice meeting you Sasha. I’m Becky.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really wanna thank you guys for sticking with me through this story. This one definitely erred on the edge of personal for me and it's crazy to think that I really did intend for this to be three chapters. Twenty chapters later and it turned into something that I'm more than proud of and words can't explain the thanks that I have for the support. As always, hope to see you all in some of my next projects I've got coming up :) thanks for reading!


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